So, rather than recap every little thing that happened on “America’s Next Top Model” tonight, I’d write a haiku — you know, the poem with 5 syllables, then 7, then 5 — about each of the players in the episode.

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(Enjoy it while it lasts, honey.)

If you listened real closely, at 1 minute ’til you could hear an eating disorder click back in.

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Well, that whole “one extra girl” thing sort of took care of itself, didn’t it?

Because one extra girl on “America’s Next Top Model” goes home tonight – of her own accord.

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Dear Tyra,

You know, we’ve been together for a few years now – OK, only four years, but it seems much longer because it’s NINE CYCLES of “America’s Next Top Model.” (I skipped the first one.)

I think it’s time you tried to spice up our relationship. (Also, don’t your breasts hurt after that photo shoot? I didn’t include the whole photo because apparently some photo editor kept hitting the “slim Tyra’s legs!” macro to the point where he shaved off a couple of inches … off your knees, to start.)

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No fair! It seems like I *just* got part of my Wednesday nights back!

The CW released the names of the 14 contestants in Cycle 10 of “America’s Next Top Model” — in case you thought that was the cast of some touring production of “Chicago” above. A look at each of the girls is after the jump. …

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As if Tyra Banks would pick someone besides a girl who’d attended her T-Zone camp win “America’s Next Top Model” … That wouldn’t be good advertising, now, would it?

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I might cry a few more days, but I’m gonna pull it together.

Because, seriously, that last episode of “America’s Next Top Model” will be even more excruciating thanks to tonight’s elimination of the last contestant I had any affinity for.

So, despite her ouster, I remain a devout member of Team Bianca, thanks to willful, blind determination. (Sort of like how Heather managed to nab Cover Girl of the Week again, even though she got eliminated two weeks ago.)

Chantal, of all people, called it early in the episode, while the girls are still packing up to go to Beijing. “America’s Next Top Model is standing in this room right now,” she says … while three girls are standing and Bianca is on her hands and knees, looking for something under the bed.

In Beijing, they are subjected to a history lesson from Twiggy and J Alexander – it involves the “four beauties” of China. We get to see them reading off big books into a hand-held microphone while one by one, Chinese women perform. One great beauty shamed the swans, another the flowers, blah blah blah. I, like Bianca, am thinking, “OK, is this over?” But of course it is not: When they get to their new pad, they find the four dresses and instructions to wear them tomorrow.

They arrive at The Place Shopping Centre, where they’re given cash and told to accessorize their outfits. There are many pairs of yellow shoes tried on, and I can’t believe that they flew all the way to China to shop at an Aldo store. Did they hit a Claire’s Accessories on the way out, and grab an Orange Julius?

Bianca wastes time in an area across the street and, never missing an opportunity to mess with someone, tells Jenah that part of the mall is great and she should run over there. Which Jenah, being an idiot, does. I should really dislike Bianca for this, but because I dislike Jenah so much more, Bianca actually goes up in my book instead. For that and for saying, “When in China, do as the Chinese do.” Romans, Chinese, they’re all overseas.

Then they walk down a giant runway to a giant audience of three spectators: Twiggy, J Alexander and Ann “cornier than a cornfield!” Shoket, editor-in-chief of Seventeen magazine.

Jenah somehow wins this challenge, even though she continues to confuse “wearing sunglasses” with cool and starts out her runway walk with her hands spread way out like an Elizabethan queen trying to keep a hand on her giant skirt. (She is, instead, holding a filmy coat.) She and a friend – Chantal – win a “couture dress,” which somehow morphs into a ready-made garment that’s already ready by the time they get to the store. Maybe there was some altering, but that Suzie Wong dress – more traditionally a cheongsam or qipao – was not couture. Both girls say the dresses are beautiful but they have no idea where they’re going to wear them. Because these aren’t just cheongsams – they’re like Evil Disney Villainess cheongsams with foot-high collars (in Jenah’s case).

Jenah also gets one-on-one walking tips with J Alexander. This does little to allay her homesickness. She, like Mary J. Blige, is tired of all this drama. She doesn’t want to play any more games. But she does want to go home. She wants to get this over with. “God, blond chicks,” Bianca says, making me miss her all the more.

They get to their shoot on the Great Wall and while I had hoped for this to be one of those extreme challenges like where the girls had to race up the stairs of a skyscraper and immediately do a photo shoot, this is instead more taxing: They will be photographed by Tyra.

In a change from every other season where Ansel Banks picks up a camera, these photos will not be in black and white and rely on runny eye makeup. They will portray warriors trying to get over the wall. She wants to see empowered strong women! Then she should go to an Oprah taping.

Chantal’s hairpieces make it look like she’s stuck her head in a deli roll wrapped in hair. Jenah’s got the same look. Tyra starts going into sensitive mode, asking Jenah what’s wrong, and Jenah replies that she wants to know “who she is” in this competition. You’re the cocky one with the bravado that comes with ignorant youth, dumbass. Has she not been there all along? Has she already forgotten her boasts about beer pong and rockin’ the shoots?

Bianca gets to skip the deli haircut and just has a blob of weave plopped atop her head. Jay Manuel, that little beeyotch, gets things started on a positive step by whispering in her ear, “No stiff poses today.” No white elephants. No sucking. No disappointing me like you do every week no matter how hard you try. Thanks, JAY.

Saleisha announces that she’s got to bring it-bring it, not just bring it-bring it. There are about three more bring-its in there somewhere. I hate her. The only place I want saccharine sweetness is in my diet soft drinks, thank you.

Then, the girls must be photographed together! They pose in a very tight shot. “Saleisha put her bun in front of my face,” Bianca complains. And, really, looking at the framing of that photo, it’s true. Considering all the “chin up just a millimeter” type of instructions, you’d think “get your giant-ass bun out of the bottom half of her face” might spring to mind.

Back home, Chantal says something about how “you always remember the top three.” I immediately flash back to last year, where it was Jaslene and Natasha and … Renee? I was mad Renee didn’t win. The year before that it was … who won? … CariDee. And Melrose. No. Danielle and Joni. Yeah, you “always remember” the “top three.” Your clock is now ticking, Chantal … make good use of it and find a Brady while you can.

Jenah is still talking. She feels like she’s losing herself. I propose this might not be a bad thing.

At judging, Jenah and Chantal are wearing their new dresses. J Alexander’s nod to Chinese garb is a satin sash used scarf-style. It has skulls on it. Ann Shoket is there, too. …

(As always, click on each thumbnail to be taken to a full-size photo in a new window.)

At the unveiling of the first photo, all we hear is Twiggy kissing ass: “Oh, Tyra, you’re SO GOOD!” Apparently she was unable to sell this with much feeling, since she will be replaced by Paulina Porizkova next cycle..

Tyra rags on Jenah for being unmemorable. “Do you want this?” she asks, and Jenah talks on and on about how she wants to be someone to look up to for her sisters. Being a master at beer pong, she’s already halfway there. Tyra, not at all being egotistical or self-important, announces: “This is the best experience of your life,” whether Jenah wins or loses. More infinite wisdom to come.

Bianca is told modeling isn’t something that comes naturally to her. She wisely points out she is new to the industry – what, 11 weeks and she’s not a pro? But they get a whopping 50 photos per shoot!

Chantal’s photo is good – “that’s what I’ve been waiting for,” Twiggy says. (That and early retirement, apparently.) But Saleisha’s photo is better – she is in full leaping lady mode.

In the group shot dissection, each judge champions one particular girl. Jenah’s eyes are “piercing blue jewels,” Saleisha is “holding the center” … by the time they get to poor Bianca, all Tyra can muster is “I like that your eye is hooded and slanted.” Like the ASIANS, see?

Deliberations: Saleisha has “never been this high fashion.” Ann says she has “more sparkle than Tinkerbell,” but that this photo “is literally evil fairy dust.” Evil fairy dust? Literally? I think Ann needs to stop smoking her evil fairy dust. I never thought I would miss Atoosa Rubenstein, but Ann managed to make that happen.

Chantal is called first and gets two photos – her individual and the group shot. “Spread those photos apart,” Tyra urges. “Yeah, take those photos. You like those photos, don’t you?” OK, maybe she didn’t say all of that, but it would have held my interest a little longer. Saleisha’s next.

Bianca, you’re from Queens and “way too urban” (which we all know is a nice way of saying “black”), but you haven’t performed without training wheels on. Except for winning last week’s challenge and all. Forget that happened.

Jenah sounds like a loser. And we love losers on “ANTM” – look at our past winners! – so she’s in.

“Let me tell you what you need,” Tyra says to Bianca, and sadly, Bianca does not reply, “To slap you across the face?” and do so. No, she allows Tyra to talk about how she needs to go home an find friends and relatives who are photographers and let them shoot simple snapshots of her while she learns to pose! pose! pose! Because that’s what’s going to make modeling agencies want to take her on.

Yeah, not that crappy photos she’s earned from week after week on this show, that’s for sure.

As Bianca walks toward her fade-out, I realize she’s got almost no luggage. Part of her stuff is in a plastic bag. “I might cry a few more days, but I’m gonna pull it together,” she says.

You and me both.

Finally, some other girl has a chance to win Cover Girl of the Week! For the moment I had feared might never happen … finally did.

It’s one thing to get a little mixed up trying to find your way in China. It’s another to get really mixed up even with a translator and a cab driver nearby … and another thing completely to manage to lose them, too. So even though this leaves me with none of my original picks remaining in the competition, I can’t argue when they finally realized Heather might not be cut out for this business.
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This article discusses how Paulina Porizkova will replace Twiggy as a judge on the next cycle of “America’s Next Top Model.” Sadly, no mention of Benny Ninja bumping off “Miss” J. Alexander. ..

Back at the house, there’s lots of jumping up and down and screaming about the trip to China. The girls begin to pack, but Lisa’s appearance in the bottom two has her all so depressed and distracted, she can’t even effectively put garments into a suitcase. She interviews: “I’ve been strong for so long … but the harder I try, the harder I fall.” If she doesn’t make it as a model – spoiler alert: she doesn’t – she’s got the potential to be America’s Next Top Lyricist for Diane Warren.

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