I think “Top Model” should cut a girl EVERY half-hour!

Maybe it was the two-for special, but this episode of “America’s Next Top Model” fairly flew by. My only complaint: I prefer my hissy-fit tantrums from girls, JEREMY SCOTT.

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When I was in high school, we planned a movie night for charity around Christmas time.

The local movie house (which was the Laurel Movie Haus, owing to Laurel’s high German population) let us rent the place and charge admission plus collect cans of food for the needy. This being a town of 8,000 and us being high school Honor Society members, we had a really tiny budget. So we decided that if we couldn’t really afford the first-run movies, we would go crazy and choose something awesome in its badness: “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.” (Would it surprise you to know that I spearheaded this plan?)

The movie made the Razzies list for being among the worst films of all time: Pia Zadora made her debut in this film playing a Martian child. The alien’s guns are Whammo Air Blasters.

The sci-fi effects in the 11th season-opener of “America’s Next Top Model” make “SCCtM” seem like “Star Wars.” There are “shocking” electrical bolts; J and Jay in platinum hair effects and ill-fitting (Jay has man-boobies?) silver tops; and Tyra (or, as they insist on calling her for the first hour, “Tyra-Bot”) in a variety of bad makeup.

And this girl can’t stop sniffing her “lucky panties,” which: gross.
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They’ve released the names and photos of the girls vying for Cycle 7500 of “America’s Next Top Model,” and one of them is transgender (born male, identifies female). Can you guess which one from the photos after the jump?

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Perhaps chastened by my previous post — yeah, right! — the powers that be behind “America’s Next Top Model” have posted their first session of model casting in the Valley.

The bad news: Before you can subject yourself to living approximately “one to one and a half months” with “with little or no privacy” and “approximately nine to fourteen other female strangers,” you must first travel … to Peoria.

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In other “reality”-show news, “America’s Next Top Model” is already casting for Cycle 12.

I find it eerily coincidental that in less than a week they are traveling to the only three cities I’ve lived in/near — Missoula, Montana (really, the Elks Club lodge? Classy, Tyra Banks!); Billings, Montana; and Grand Junction, Colorado — while skipping cities like, say, Denver or Phoenix or Scottsdale. Maybe they’re convinced all the Scottsdale girls have already tried out for Playboy or skeevy dating shows?

And bad news, Gov. Janet Napolitano: You may be taller than 5′7″, but according to “ANTM” eligibility requirements, women who are public officials are out of contention. But take heart: There are no such restrictions for this MTV show! Or this one!

ammit

WHAT SAM WORE: 6/25/08
The shirt: Four-button short-sleeved jersey shirt (American Apparel)
The pants: Relaxed khakis by Chip & Pepper (Last Chance)
The shoes: Leather sneakers by Puma (Nordstrom)
The scent: Helmut Lang eau de cologne
Listening to: “How Am I To Be” by The Watson Twins

sammit

As this cycle of “America’s Next Top Model” went on, I heard more (admittedly sourceless) rumors that this had been decreed the time that a plus-size girl would win the whole thing. So despite Anya’s constant winning of challenges and being called first, it turns out to be Whitney who’s named … well, you know.

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This week, we get two weeks’ worth of “previously” material. Important plot revealer, or time waster? You be the judge.

When the girls get home from saying goodbye to ka-TAR-zhe-na, the realize that some evil madman has vandalized their house, covering their walls with poster-size prints of – agh! – Saleisha. At one point one of the girls, I think it’s Whitney, asks, “She got to pose with Tyra?” which, duh, should get you kicked off the show at this point.

Dominique says when she first saw Saleisha during the previous cycle, she knew she would win. “I guess you could say I’m the Saleisha of this competition,” she adds. If by that she means both appeared on “America’s Next Top Model” and then never heard from again, she might be right! About that whole victory thing … not so much.

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In the “previouslies,” I notice that they’re still pronouncing it Ka-TAR-zhe-na, so when Tyra does that weird little shrug at the beginning of the musical intro, I know it’s actually her response every time Katarzyna tried to make her pronounce her name correctly: “Whatever, girl – the only name I care gets pronounced right is my OWN.”

And, after this week, the pronunciation doesn’t matter anyway, for the moral of this week’s episode is that models should not think. Or, we shouldn’t have to see them do it, anyway.

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Wow: This shows people take their TV way too seriously: TMZ.com reports that a 42-year-old woman got stabbed by a friend for talking too loudly during an episode of “America’s Next Top Model.”

I’ve shushed a few people in my time, but a knife? The bloody victim was found on the couch — messy! — amid clumps of hair.

Opening credits, and this, like every week, I’m struck by how much better Anya looked before La Tyra decided to superbleach her hair into flax.

And they’re already in Rome! We’ve been denied the annual Little Bouncing Jet footage? Whitney informs us that “Rome is a huge fashion capital,“ which leads me to believe she might be confusing it with Milan, since that’s a bit like saying that Phoenix is a huge fashion capital. Her and Anya’s interviews make me suspect the girls got touch-ups before they got on the plane, since they’re looking particularly blonde.

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