‘Top Model’ 10.5: Walking and water

September 24th, 2008, 9:41 pm · Post a Comment · posted by Sam Mittelsteadt

I think “Top Model” should cut a girl EVERY half-hour!

Maybe it was the two-for special, but this episode of “America’s Next Top Model” fairly flew by. My only complaint: I prefer my hissy-fit tantrums from girls, JEREMY SCOTT.

And now, the case against the defendant:
(a) In first appearance, rips off Madonna in “Open Your Heart” video.
(b) When blindfolded model puts her hands on her hips on runway, accuses of practically ripping off her dress on the runway.
(c) In appearance as guest judge, wears sleeveless vest apparently inspired by bowling alley shoes, with his hair now in greasy bangs last seen on bad ’80s Euro band members. (From episode notes: “Jeremy Scott looks like an idiot.”)
(d) Although challenge is about photo, demands head of model because of runway appearance. A very dumb girl from Alaska once said: I am over the pity party! (From episode notes, continued: “Jeremy Scott is a [verydirtyword] [otherdirtyword].”) He’s insulted? He’s disgusted? I’m disgusted by his freaking ugly appearance. THAT’S an insult.

Actually, the real insult is trying to take credit for McKey’s outfit, when it’s clearly ripped off from the “Gone With the Wind” parody from “The Carol Burnett Show.”

He should take some advice from Hannah, and get over the pity party! Well, he can’t, now, because Hannah is gone! After being named the worst walker, she had to pick up her beans and keep rolling. What the heck does that even mean? I visualize her with beans clutched tightly in her hands. Are these dry beans? Green beans? When does she get to put the beans down? Where does she pick them up from? Are they planted? Do beans grow in Alaska? To her credit, her final interview does not involve a pity party.

Good Lord, no.

This week’s photo shoot involves a heads-up: The girls will pose in a swimming pool, and the shoot is mostly about their eyes. For some reason this freaks Isis out — she’s tucked and taped and wearing multiple suits and keeps talking about making sure things are all covered up. This makes me wonder if she confused “eyes” with “fauxgina,” because seriously, did she notice where the camera was NOT pointed?

Analeigh does better both on the runway and in this shoot. She’s high on life, yo! In fact, she gets called second this week, behind only (ugh) sassafrassy Clark. Meanwhile, Elina goes from numerator to denominator and almost skids into the bottom two, thanks to a manufactured drama where this suddenly is no longer a good photo. The “control freak” edit begins!

Speaking of water, Tyra’s eye makeup at judging looks like she’s been in it all day — all her liner is on the bottom, smudgy. We hear her go on and on about how she came up with the theme for this week’s photo shoot, and it involved her on vacation with her friend, and how they were so creative and different taking photos in the pool. Which makes Tyra Banks the only person in America to never have seen Aka: No, I never saw that photo of Neve Campbell and Denise Richards in “Wild Things,” nor the straight-to-video follow-up!

I love that Paulina is tired of J Alexander’s schtick and stole the zero off his stupid necklace. I have trouble believing that Marjorie’s photo frightens her, but Lauren Brie’s does not. Scary eyes!

I also love that Isis had a tiara and messy hair in her exit interview. Nothing says quality transgender like someone who looks like someone who just woke up in the back seat of a car after her quinceañera. ¡Ay, dios mio!

ammit

WHAT SAM WORE: 9/25/08

The shirt: Cotton long-sleeved button-down by Robert Graham (hand-me-down from roommate, who was cleaning out his closet)
The pants: Cotton-blend trousers by Co-op, the house brand at Barney’s New York (Barney’s outlet store, Palm Springs, CA, 2005)
The shoes: Black leather “platypus shoes” by BCBG (Hand-me-down from my ex)
The scent: Eau Parfumee Au The Vert Extreme by Bulgari
Listening to: “Rich Girls” by The Virgins