You know how people usually don’t like the sound of their own voices? For example: I won’t listen to my outgoing message on my phone because it sounds so … not like what I’m used to hearing from the inside. And I wonder: When Kenley watches episodes of “Project Runway,” does she realize how awful her voice is?

I think my annoyance factor would drop by half if the things Kenley said were coming out of a different mouth. India Hicks on “Top Design” could accost me with the nastiest things ever, and the majority of my brain would still come away with: “Man, what a lovely plummy British accent she has! It sounded so velvety when she used all of those awful words.”

This week is an exercise in Kenley toleration, from start to finish.

The start: Kenley interviews how she feels like she’s one of the best designers there — a quote that totally sets her up for the “hubris” edit she receives in this episode — and how she’s ready to win. (Which is interesting, given that it’s Leanne who has won the past two challenges in a row.)

The end: When Blayne and Terri are eliminated, the last audio I remember is Kenley’s “Whyyyyyy?” Less time talking about great designs, more time making great designs, please.

This week the remaining designers are paired off with previously eliminated ones to create an avant-garde outfit. Jerell says that he can “pull something avant-garde out of my ass,” which brings up two issues for me. First, avant-garde, not Astroglide. And second, gross. (I was expecting dual “hubris” edits this week, actually.) The twist is that the look must be inspired by the astrological sign by one member of the team, which reminds me of one of the lamest “America’s Next Top Model” shoots. Lluvy with fish scales on her face being castigated for not being fierce … ah, the memories.

The teams are Korto/Kelly, Kenley/Wesley, Joe/Daniel, Leanne/Emily, Blayne/Stella, Terri/Keith, Jerell/Jennifer and Suede/Jerry.

The most drama comes from the Terri/Keith pairing, given how much they clashed in previous challenges. “I am, like, screwed,” Terri says.

Well, they’ve got two days, and I have to say: Two people, two days … remember the couture episode from last season when Christian and Chris were crazy productive? There was nothing like that here. Overall the outfits were pretty boring and standardized.

Does Joe mention seashells in his Aries design? That confused me. Anyway, Leanne chooses Emily’s Scorpio sign because she doesn’t want to do a Libra — she makes fun of the idea of a woman with arms and scales. Cut to: Blayne and Stella sketching a woman with arms and scales.

Terri and Keith clash from the beginning — she pretty much tells him to leave her alone, and he doesn’t seem particularly vested in helping, either. Depending on what part of the episode I’m watching, I’m either on Team Terri (Keith is not actually CONTRIBUTING anything, he’s just sitting there offering … nothing) or on Team Keith (it’s pretty clear Terri is not open to collaboration anyway).

Team Terri: Jesus, his interviews! “I just recently was sent home,” he says while the world’s smallest violin plays “Don’t Cry for Me.” He’s not even the latest designer evicted! Stop mooning! Sack up!

Team Keith: “Maybe he can count the pins that fall on the floor,” Terri says, dead-faced. (OK, maybe that is Team Terri. That *was* kind of awesome.)

Back in the sewing rooms, Kenley is extraordinarily proud of her design and keeps talking about it, which is (a) boggling, and (b) leads Leanne to say as much. Kenley hears this and bemoans that people are “talking (dirtyword) right in front of me.” Kenley needs to learn the definition of “right in front of me,” because it looked to me like Leanne was saying it behind her back (or at least to the side of her). “Right in front of you” is right in front of you, and it’s also your opportunity to punch them to make them stop talking like that.

Tim Time! When Leanne mentions that her design is based partly on the idea of an exoskeleton, I think that Tim goes a little weak in the knees just because she uses a five-syllable word correctly. Unlike Blayne, who’s tossing out words like “manifesting,” but not in a way that makes any sense. (Really, it’s Blayne, though. Do you expect otherwise?) Perhaps buoyed by this vocabulary development, Tim urges Blayne and Stella to make sure there’s “cohesion between the parts” — of the outfit, you sickos! — and tells Jerell and Jennifer that they’re on a precipice. “It looks like you took a schoolmarm’s old winter coat,” he says. Jerell says he’s confident in the idea.

You know who else is confident? Kenley, of course. So when Tim tells her there’s a fine line between avant-garde and costume, she’s having none of it. When he tells her the silhouette reminds him of Glinda, the Good Witch of the North, she’s having none of it. “Don’t listen to me,” he says finally, given that it’s been made clear she’s not. (Wesley, for his part, just figures, “Hey, I’m already out of it. Why would I make it worse?”)

Tim also hopes there is “good synergy” between Terri and Keith. Where there is good synergy is in the cricket noises you can hear chirping from 50 miles away while Terri and remain stubbornly, gloomily silent. And then the fighting starts. It’s kind of boring.

Speaking of ghosts from the past, “Project Runway” designers from seasons past are going to be judging their designs at a party! This is sort of an odd development, which creates many questions:

How is it that “Project Runway” can only score midtier people like Alison and Robert Plotkin — well, Christian and Jay are there, too, I guess — while “Top Design” can land Santino for next week’s episode?

Is Daniel Vosovic mad he’s been lumped in with these people, and not been given his own Special Guest Appearance like Laura and Chris March?

Speaking of Laura, does that lousy Wonder Woman-y outfit she creates during the Saturn commercial make anyone else sad?

And since the judges are picking a winner, how did these designer opinions come into play? Why do the current designers get to tweak their looks AFTER the first night, when the old designers have already cast their votes? Terri, for example, loses the fur cape after Christian tells her he doesn’t like it — which is something that Keith said right away, but she ignored it then. Team Exasperated Keith! “Terri pushes me aside, tells me nothing,” he says. “I’m not gonna stand here looking like a fool” — too late! — “because she’s an angry bitter person.”

Other design teams are getting along better. “I’m not worried about people losing,” Stella says. “I’m worried about Blayne losing.” Oh, Stella — your psychic abilities have manifested themselves!

Anyway, off to the party. Kara’s hair reminds me of a sad Puritan woman. Hester Kara Prynne. Or perhaps an Amish woman. Things happen, people meet, eyes are rolled. The next morning, models show up, Terri and Keith nonfight, he sulks off to take a nap, there is widespread scurrying.

Guest judge is — whoa! Francesco Costa, who designs womenswear for Calvin Klein! He’s no Rachel Zoe, that’s for sure.

(We are having troubles loading photos today, so you’ll have to settle for links to the outfits instead.)

Blayne’s look is awful. It’s like a nude oneside, with random bridle straps (thanks, lea-thuh Stella!) with ruffles — which are, against the idea of Libra, not balanced. It’s left side “Charo doing laundry,” right side “sad acrobat.” The ruffles are all on one side, and spilling out between the model’s legs. We shall hear more of this in a bit.

There is no water effect whatsoever in Kenley’s outfit. I think she read the dossier about the characteristics of the sign, and didn’t pay attention to, you know, the whole water-bearing bit of Aquarius. I think maybe I like it because her model looks like she can pull anything off … but it does look kind of Tweedle Dee/Tweedle Dum-ish to me.

Korto’s look, meanwhile, does have a flowing Aquarius water effect — I don’t know if I like the hot pants visible underneath so much, which is not so much avant-garde as it is runway-with-flashbulbs-disaster.

Terri’s outfit — “there is no team, there’s just Terri — is meh. The long dress looks like it’s made out of a cheesy glittery-stretch material. You know it’s bad when the outfit Joe and Daniel construct looks way better. I especially like their color choice, even if the dress isn’t anything spectacular (and kind of reminds me of a toilet paper cozy.)

Jerell’s outfit kind of astounds me — I really didn’t find it amazing enough to win. “What can I say, I’m me!” he says. “You’d have to be blind not to see” how awesome the outfit is. Which reminds me: I need to make my eye exam.  Because this makes his model look fat — like Karen Walker after a bender.

Maybe they were afraid to award it to Leanne three weeks in a row? I really liked her piece (although it doesn’t look so great in still photographs) — I didn’t necessarily see an exoskeleton, though. Maybe if the black had been more segmented, or in a metallic, or harder-looking fabric? It needed something a bit more.

Suede’s outfit was so meh I didn’t even remember it until this morning (although, in the opposite of Leanne’s predicament, the colors photograph well) — the “scales” of the Libra outfit were diaphanous — but sort of reminded me of floating jellyfish. Also: bad-fitting, shiny harem pants.

Judging. Nina Garcia pronounces “hap - hazard” with the strongest P I think I’ve ever heard. It is a nice remind to those of you who think it’s half-hazard, though. This would be in relation to Blayne’s dress, which Michael Kors says is “pooping fabric.” He also says: “I’m happy for odd beauty. This is just odd.” You just now noticed this?

When Terri’s outfit is described as “voodoo princess in hell,” even her model says, “Oh, my God.” There is more snippety infighting. It’s as boring to the judges as it is to us.

When the judges critique — OK, criticize — Kenley’s look, she becomes really defensive. When they say it looks “Dolce & Gabbana on the bottom, and Viktor & Rolf on the top,” she’s all, “I don’t even pay attention to what other designers are doing,” which is a stupid thing to say — the “PR” equivalent of not being able to name five fashion designers on “ANTM.” You know it’s coming up! Just five! Don’t be dumb!

Suede‘s outfit is “expected.” someone‘s outfit is referred to as “a fashion joke,” which makes Heidi say, in an entertaining accent: “Oooooh, that‘s baaaaaaad.” And then, hysterically, at like triple speed: “But true.”

Anyway, the winner is indeed Jerell. Suede is called out for referring to himself in the third person, but in a true test of “better safe than sorry,” he will stick around. Unlike Blayne and a shocked Terri.

On the bright side: At least Blayne can go tan now.
ammit

WHAT SAM WORE: 9/11/08
The shirt: Long-sleeved button-down by Ben Sherman (hand-me-down from roommate)
The pants: Zaf jeans by Diesel (Last Chance)
The shoes: Tumble loafers by J. Shoes (The now-defunct goclothing.com)
The scent: Quarzazate by Comme des Garçons
Listening to: “Bedtime Story” by Madonna

sammit

Posted in: Project Runway |

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