When I was in high school, we planned a movie night for charity around Christmas time.

The local movie house (which was the Laurel Movie Haus, owing to Laurel’s high German population) let us rent the place and charge admission plus collect cans of food for the needy. This being a town of 8,000 and us being high school Honor Society members, we had a really tiny budget. So we decided that if we couldn’t really afford the first-run movies, we would go crazy and choose something awesome in its badness: “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.” (Would it surprise you to know that I spearheaded this plan?)

The movie made the Razzies list for being among the worst films of all time: Pia Zadora made her debut in this film playing a Martian child. The alien’s guns are Whammo Air Blasters.

The sci-fi effects in the 11th season-opener of “America’s Next Top Model” make “SCCtM” seem like “Star Wars.” There are “shocking” electrical bolts; J and Jay in platinum hair effects and ill-fitting (Jay has man-boobies?) silver tops; and Tyra (or, as they insist on calling her for the first hour, “Tyra-Bot”) in a variety of bad makeup.

And this girl can’t stop sniffing her “lucky panties,” which: gross.

As fate would have it, those panties weren’t so lucky after all – at the end of the two-hour episode that girl – born Brittany, rechristened ShaRaun – gets sent home.

I’m skipping over the wannabes – yes, even the girl who said, irony-free, it would be “every guy’s dream to be behind” the Jay.

My favorite girl in the whole house, even if I don’t think she’ll win: Sheena. That’s right, I’ve been Sheenafied! (Whoot! Whoot!) She has the personality of Dionne, the third-person references of Jade, and she seriously seems incredibly kind. And I’m not just saying that because she said that Isis’ drive is “very commendable.” I’m saying that because she also says that gawky Marjorie (who is like a neurotic Woody Allen movie come to life) has a lot of potential. She doesn’t talk smack about anyone.

Unlike a certain thin-lipped Blake Lively wannabe named Clark, who sets herself up to be this year’s house bitch.“I’ll manipulate a girl in a heartbeat. Call it bitchy, I call it competitive.” I don’t know how you South Carolina folks play it, but that’s just bitchy. Especially when you ask other people to help you figure out what “bureaucracy” means, then huff when they demur. I don’t think I’ve ever liked a contestant less. She is a Mean Girl, and I can’t wait for her to be taken down. I am serving drinks when she goes, y’all.

About Isis: When she said, “If I could have (gender reassignment surgery) right now, I would,” of course I thought, “that would totally trump Joanie’s veneers in Tyra’s campaign for sainthood.” (But then I think Isis might benefit from some dental makeovers herself, too.) However, so far she has been nothing but classy – when the other competitors (which I believe was mostly ShaRaun) were harassing her during her photo shoot, she didn’t let it bother her and she pulled out a good shot. (And, WTF, Jay and photographer Mike? Did you not notice?)

Other notes:
>> Sutan looks cute with his new haircut!

>> I cannot believe someone tried out for “ANTM” more than 30 times. I think Joslyn just exhausted the production scouts until they were like, “This woman will not rest until she’s on the show.” Nonetheless, I think she’d be fun to hang out with. She gets the thumbs-up now.

>> Is that ironic that Elina talks about wearing pants instead of dresses because she doesn’t “like gender-specific clothing,” but gives this talk while she’s wearing a bikini?

>> When she talks, Brittany S – now rechristened McKey – has the same “is that a stroke?” sideways lower mouth/lip thing that “Project Runway” contestant Laura Bennett does. Which makes me like her more.

>> Iris has way too many pairs of big, big earrings. And when Jay told her to “tuck the tag in” at the first photo shoot, was that code for something?

>> In my final discussion of Clark’s bitch moves, when everyone else moves to comfort (an admittedly annoying) ShaRaun, we see her look at the other girls like, “What?”

>> After this episode, I’m thinking Elina will be tough to beat unless some sort of beef challenge comes up. And I’m hoping Marjorie undergoes the season’s major transformation. And I hope Sheena stays through the whole thing to help me watch it all. Whoot! Whoot!

ammit

WHAT SAM WORE: 9/4/08
The shirt: Classic fit long-sleeved button-down (Banana Republic)
The pants: Modern fit trousers (Banana Republic)
The shoes: Leather slip-ons by Rush by Gordon Rush (Last Chance)
The scent: Quarzazate by Comme des Garçons
Listening to: “Sorry” by Stéphane Pompougnac

sammit

Posted in: ANTM |

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