It’s a lipstick jungle out there for the designers this week, who must create a look for “a high-powered and glamorous professional woman.” A fictional high-powered and glamorous professional woman, to be exact — Brooke Shields’ character on “The Lipstick Jungle,” to be exact. This is a big relief to Blayne, who worried it would be Hillary Clinton and “I would never win if I made a neon pantsuit.” Dear Blayne, you’re never going to win anyway. (I just wish your dismissal would be soon, so I don’t have to hear Tim Gunn debase himself with “holla at cha boy” each week.)

I will say that Brooke looks awesome — awesome! AWESOME! — for age 43. She’s paired an olive drab skirt ith a bright pink sash-style belt.

The designers learn they have 30 minutes to sketch — and they’ll be working in pairs! We see several designers look horrified, but only Kenley actually says, “oh, no.” Suede’s look pretty much duplicates a look already in the dossier; Kelli (left) suggests a leopard sheath dress, and Daniel talks about how his Middle Eastern background “allows me to see how varied women can be in different cultures.” What? WHAT?! Is there a burka involved? Keith says that layers of fringe is “kind of my thing.” I love how Korto tosses down colored pencils to show the palette.

Anyway, Brooke picks Keith, Korto, Jerell, Kerri, Terri and Blayne. And she’ll wear the winning look on her show. The tradeoff, Tim Gunn tells them later, is that there is no immunity.

The designers pick partners — Keith starts off on the wrong foot by suggesting that his partner Kenley “shut her mouth a little bit and stick to sewing,” which strikes me as a little close to keeping his women barefoot and pregnant. (Well, not HIS women, but …) The other pairs: Blayne/Leanne; Terri/Suede; Korto/Joe; Kelli/Daniel; Jerell/Stella.

Daniel’s snootiness is insufferable as he pooh-poohs Kelli’s fabrics, saying that his choices “were a little more high-end.” Yeah, and you’re working on HER DESIGN, Punky Rudester. We also learn that Kelli has a handicapped grandmother, information that comes out of nowhere and leads me to write in my notes: “Kelli will go home tonight.” Because, really, once the editors start pulling out the heart-tugging things, it’s someone’s last night on the show.

Terri didn’t budget enough fabric for her top, which freaks Suede out. “I’m not comfortable,” he keeps saying. But Terri is having none of it: “I don’t know what he’s packing, balls or a vajayjay, but he needs to work out that,” she says. “I ain’t got no babies, ain’t nobody sucking on my titties, so please, man up,”

Early on, Korto asks Joe if her tunic is “too much,” and he says, “No, it’s cool.” Kenley, meanwhile, says she’s worried about his fabric top looking too “South Beachy cheesy” and they agree to redo it.

Tim sends in the models early. At this stage I am not liking Terri’s top — it is looking a little like something Yul Brynner would wear in “The King and I.” But the leather belt Stella made is awesome. Not awesome: Daniel’s skirt, which was half-ruched, half-not. Kelli says the zipper is all “swabbly,” and Daniel interviews, “I just didn’t care, because it as her design.” Such a dick. It’s your handiwork, dumbass. And if you were that great, your design would have been one of the six chosen.

Tim time! He is “dubious” about Kelli’s look, and says that Kotto’s garment “looks like a big sweet potato.” At which point Joe is all, “Yeah!” Kotto, to her credit, confronts Joe in the, “why didn’t you bring this up earlier, WHEN I ASKED YOU?” and he, being the drama queen straight guy, is all, “I more than likely would have said …” More than likely … would have said? He is hedging so much he needs garden shears. And Kotto wisely points out that she has immunity and he doesn’t, so it’s his behind on the line, and he should man up and say something if he has an opinion. He’s all, “oh, it’s your vision,” and she says: “If you’re crossing the street, Joe, and I see a bus coming and you don’t see it, I can’t say, ‘Well, Joe wanted to cross the street.’ No, I’m gonna pull you back and say, ‘There’s a bus coming!’ ” He, meanwhile, pretends like he’s surprised she gets offended when he manages to bring something up. It’s not WHAT you brought up, it’s WHEN, you moron.

Here’s Daniel, talking more about how awesome he is, which makes Kenley laugh. “Daniel cracks me up. He’s always constantly talking about his very elegant, sophisticated taste, but I’ve never really seen it,” she says. His delusions and her laughter will come into play later. For now, let’s talk about his workmanship. Or let Kelli do so: “If I can whip out and line a jacket in a couple hours, he can freakin make a skirt,” Kelli says. Well apparently not, because he’s having trouble unsticking a zipper.

Jerell says that Terri’s piece is “off the rip,” and of Kelli and Daniel’s look he can only shake his head no: “It’s kinda mmm-mmm.”

Runway time! Korto’s jacket has been slimmed up considerably but the sleeves still have a nice volume. I love the play of the gold embroidery trim on the tangerine fabric. The dress underneath, though, is ill-fitted — it’s gappy under the breast.

Kelli’s jacket has a kind of restrictive, severe silhouette — like a villainess French schoolteacher — and the sheath dress sketched has been turned into a horrific top where the breasts are half blue leopard, half tan leopard. There’s a black panel in front, and the model’s waist is exposed between the top and the skirt. This is not classy at all.

Jerell’s palette is beautiful — a latte-colored tank, a harvest gold wide leather belt (covered by a zebra stripe belt), and a rich warm brown skirt. I only wish the top weren’t satiny, so there’d be more constrast between it and the skirt. A sturdier material would look better under that belt, too — the satin puckers too much.

Keith’s outfit is amazing. I love it — a clean botanical print blouse, with a superhigh-waisted belt that almost turns the blouse into something as short as a bolero jacket. And then a brown chiffon skirt with petals that float as the model walks. And as she reaches the end of the runway — bam! She adjusts the cap sleeves and they turn into a longer split sleeve that exposes her shoulders. I actually said, “WOW” when that happened.

Terri’s off-the-shoulder tunic turned out better than I had feared. It’s got almost a Missoni-style print to it, in warm rich pinks and browns, with a gathered neckline that unfortunately looks a little elasticized — at the end of the runway the model has to yank it up a little bit. And I think the pants are a little tight or something — when the model has to take the two stairs at the end, she has to like hoist one side of her butt up laterally to climb the stair. Pairing it with the long belt is awesome, though.

Blayne’s got basically a clam digger outfit (ultramarine camisole, striped aqua shirt, khaki shorts) that fits well but is way too casual — again, exposed skin above the waist. He says the outfit is “boho chic,” but I think he forgot the “chic” part.

Judging: Michael says that Jerell’s outfit looks “sexy without being cheap.” Kelli is getting no love: Brooke says it “looks cheaper than I thought it would,” whereas Michael just goes with “slutty, slutty, slutty.” Kelli suggests that Daniel should be the one to go, since she has won a challenge, and Daniel says, “My taste is impeccable. I have very high-end taste, there’s no question about that,” and as we sit and roll our eyes at home, dear Kenley bursts out in laughter on the runway. “Just ignore me,” she says. Ooh, if Daniel lives, I think the former BFFs are gonna have a catfight!

I love Keith’s blouse a little more than the skirt — although I like the overall effect of the chocolate brown fabric, looking at it up close, it’s a little too irregular. The whole look is still incredible, though. It’s my favorite favorite favorite. Nina worries it is a little “cocktail,” but says it is absolutely beautiful.

Blayne’s outfit is … awful. The bottom of the shorts look strangely gathered and cinch-y, and the fabric belt is way too thin. Learn from Brooke, damn you! The accessories — especially the bracelets — are awesome, though. Thanks, Bluefly.com! Brooke says she thinks the look is “not sophisticated enough,” whereas Heidi goes for the jugular and says it looks like “a woman who didn’t have a mirror. And it was really dark, and she just grabbed things and put it on.” Instead of special, Michael says, “I think you ended up with uninteresting.”

Yay, Keith is the winner! Jerell is so pissed he gives the black girl side-to-side neck bob, the nonverbal equivalent of “oh, hell no.”

It’s down to Blayne and Kelli, and even though the judges call Blaine “bratty,” it is Kelli is out, thanks to the bad construction and questionable taste level.

I would feel worse, but … come on: a leopard sheath dress.

And my final request: Bravo, if you would toss horrific Rachel Zoe into the ads for “Mirrors” so she and her show meet a spectacular death — oh, wait, a “bananas” death — I would be eternally grateful. I can’t believe someone at the network thought that program was a good idea. I would rather watch the idiot d-bags from “Million Dollar Listing” try to out-alpha each other than spent one minute of my life giving credence to that haggard woman’s existence. And I would rather eat nothing but nails than do THAT, so you know it’s not an option.

ammit

WHAT SAM WORE: 8/14/08
The shirt: Short-sleeved polo by J. Lindeberg (Last Chance)
The pants: Zaf jeans by Diesel (Last Chance)
The shoes: Leather sneakers by Puma (Nordstrom)
The scent: Cannibis Rose eau de parfum by Fresh (San Francisco)
Listening to: “Dawn of the Dead” by Does It Offend You, Yeah?

sammit

Posted in: Project Runway |

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