This week, “surrealist” Jennifer interprets a challenge to create an outfit for U.S. Olympic athletes as, “make a cute cocktail dress with a coordinating twinset-style cardigan.” The good news: After this week, she’ll have more time to look up the definition of “surrealism” and figure out where she went wrong.

Oh, yeah: At the beginning, when the designers meet speed skater Apolo (what happened to “Anton”?) Ohno, who tells them, “You walk in with honor; you’re representing your country.”A dress that looks like the 3-D version of a paper doll outfit does that, yes?

Here’s another misguided designer: Joe, who claims it’s the gay guys bringing the drama to the workroom, while he’s the one huffing and pouting about not getting to use his favorite sewing machine. You know, why can’t you they just know what he’s thinking? I mean, he’s been able to use the same machine three times now, and (sob) it’s like they’re not even paying attention to him! But it’s those sassy queers who are bringing the drama, dammit! To which I make the “what-ever!” W shape with my thumbs and forefingers, because it seems like the sort of thing he would hate to have tossed in his face.

Although, it’s not like the gays are helping out my cause here. Daniel says he’s never watched an Olympics opening ceremony, and Blayne … well, there’s a difference between being young, and being young and willfully stupid. When Tim Gunn refers to his design as being a little “Sgt. Pepper,” Blayne responds with a dismissive, “I don’t even know what that is.” And that’s anyone’s problem but yours, why exactly? Also: Way to broadcast your stupidity.

From the sketch, I am worried about Jerell, who looks like he was inspired by … the Woodrow Wilson administration? Scarlett O’Hara in a restrictive skirt? Terri’s sketch looks like a Katharine Hepburn outfit. She says she’s making a jacket, pants, vest and shirt; Leanne suspects Terri has smuggled a sweatshop under her sewing machine.

We get another manufactured moment where Terri accuses Keith of trying to abscond with the fabric she’s already selected. It includes her saying, “oh no you di’ int.” Frankly, I don’t see what the big issue is – do you think in a couple of episodes we’ll see Keith like go crazy and start flipping out, or stealing things or something? Why are the editors making a big deal of this now? I would, however, like to grab a pair of clippers and take care of that little mini-dread on his neckline. It looks like a tiny, woolly rabbit turd is on his head.

Topic of discussion: Is Kenley laughing the new Stella pounding grommets? I will admit that when I’m in a bad mood or under the gun (or both), having someone laughing uproariously can be annoying – mostly because it says to me (at the time, anyway), “That person is not under the same time constraints you are, and therefore is lazy, inconsiderate and must be destroyed with the evil eye as often as you can manage.” But really, most of the time I would rather hear someone having a good time than, say, people accusing each other of being babies, complete with “waaah” noises made in a sarcastic high-pitched tone. You know what “waaah” would earn you if I had a pair of sharp scissors in my hand next to you, Joe? A leg wound. Or the immediate end of the chances of you finally getting around to sire a boy, which I’m sure is driving you (and especially your poor wife) crazy because you seem like you’d be that kind of dad.

Tim Time! I consider it a testament to Mr. Gunn’s power of restraint that the only response Blayne’s stupid comment above earns is, “Ah, youth.” Remember when Tim had a weekly episode recap podcast on iTunes? I would listen to it on the way to work Thursdays, and it was like having him sitting in the passenger seat of my car talking to me on the commute. I miss those. Especially because I can’t use the carpool lane anymore.

Anyway, Tim cautions Jerell against horizontal stripes on the skirt because “these are women who are … muscley.” (Again, well put!) He also worries that with all the elements, the outfit “could look very Lucy Ricardo.” Hey, Blayne, that’s a reference from something that happened before you became annoyingly self-aware! You should look it up sometime.

There are still 13 designers left? That means next week we have to have some sort of group challenge. Four groups of three, you think?

On the runway (right-click on each thumbnail to bring up the full-size photo):

Korto has paired wide-legged white linen pants with a sporty white leather vest that has red trim on the shoulders. The only thing I don’t like – and this is totally my own personal quirk – is that I hate when you can see through white fabrics. Like, we can see where the material underneath the pleats in the pants has layered up. Line that #$!@, dammit! I also wrote in my notes: “A little more color would be nice.” Suede has a sassy sleeveless dress with a flouncy skirt. My notes: “Kinda feminine for athletes.” Kelli’s 40s-inspired outfit looks kind of cartoonish to me, too. Part Olive Oyl, part Lily Tomlin in “9 to 5.”

Joe’s outfit … actually looks pretty good, overall. (I hate it when that happens!) Putting together one red zipper half with another blue zipper half was pretty smart. The “USA” letters on the front of the skort (which he has helpfully pointed out is a “skirt short,” just in case we just thought it was a short skirt) look amateurish, though, and the difference in length between the skirt flap and the underlying shorts is too much. I love Leanne’s look, with a great collar on the top and some white sporty shorts. Daniel’s ultramarine/ultraviolet cocktail dress has red sailor-style buttons. I love that model’s face! I hope she doesn’t get booted tonight.

As if Jerell doesn’t have enough going on – a floppy hat? A glittery black butterfly belt? – he’s also got the whole outfit on over pants. Stella thinks her outfit “represents the country in a badass way,” but that exposed navel is awful. Keith’s outfit is like if the Olympic athletes were all students on “Gossip Girl” — a tie effect, sleeveless top, flounce miniskirt that unfortunately reminds me of bubble-style Roman window shades.

Terri has created a classic pant suit, but when the model walks down the runway, I am distracted – is that her actual flesh being squished out of the top of that shirt, underneath the cascade of ruffled fabric? It looks like it – and that looks uncomfortable. Jennifer’s pretty cocktail dress is totally out of place here. It’s white and metallic gold, and it looks sort of like something a virginal teen would wear to a sock hop. Blayne has a one-shouldered – what is up with him and one-shouldered bits? – vaguely futuristic outfit with stripes, and Kenley’s high-waisted plaid skirt is cute but no Olympic outfit.

When they announce the safe folks, I am stunned that Stella is included in that peer group.

The best and worst: Terri put her own spin on a blazer outfit, which Michael Kors sees as having “a Lauren Hutton ‘70s vibe.” Jennifer says she was inspired by a track suit, which … wha? Nina Garcia suggests that it is hard for Jennifer to “separate the design challenge from your personal taste,” which I think is pretty spot-on. Joe is applauded for his use of sport details, which seems kind of damning with faint praise after all the self-lauding we’ve heard from him so far. Daniel’s outfit actually gives Michael stinkface, like he’s smelled something horrible, and he wonders which country the model is from – “the Republic of Cocktail-Land?” I would so visit Cocktail-Land, and its Vodkapital city.

Kotto’s outfit is lauded as “very chic,” but I wonder after she mentions linen again: wouldn’t that wrinkle in the heat and humidity? Joe is huffy that they’re praising her so much. Drama queen in the house! Nina starts out her critique of Jerell’s outfit with, “I’m puzzled,” which can’t be – but is still way better than her “I have no opinion” diss of Emily last week. Or is it, considering she calls it “Mary had a little lamb.”

After they’re alone, Michael tells the other judges that when he saw Terri’s outfit, he wrote, “Hooray for sportswear, with triple exclamation points.” Something in me suspects he writes a lot of things followed by triple exclamation points.

Now that they’re all back, Joe is in, but not the winner. He’s cranky. Take a Midol and get some rest, Huffington Boast. The winner is Kotto, and Terri and Jerell are safe.

Down to Daniel, who made a “sad purple cocktail dress,” and Jennifer, who’s “stuck in the past, but we’re looking to the future.” And out goes our eager bunny rabbit. She talks more about surrealism. I think it’s surreal she made it onto this show.

More quotes …

“Don’t worry about me, worry about that plaid you’re picking up, OK?” (Korto, with a screen cut to … Kenley, picking out plaid fabric)
“A sistah gotta keep one eye open.” (Terri about fabric-thief Keith)
“It only goes to bronze.” (Blayne, about if tanning were a medal-earning sport)
“If your sport is drinking, it’s a good dress.” (Michael Kors, of Daniel’s outfit)

Next week: Brooke Shields!

ammit

WHAT SAM WORE: 8/7/08
The shirt: Long-sleeved cotton button-up wtih epaulets and … sleevelets? What do you call those tabs that hold your sleeves up? (answer: sleeve tabs) (Ben Sherman, San Francisco)
The pants: Glen plaid trousers (Ted Baker, Las Vegas)
The shoes: Black leather slip-ons by Rush by Gordon Rush (Last Chance)
The scent: Quarzazate by Comme des Garçons
Listening to: “Human Fly” by Nouvelle Vague

sammit

Posted in: Project Runway |

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