As this cycle of “America’s Next Top Model” went on, I heard more (admittedly sourceless) rumors that this had been decreed the time that a plus-size girl would win the whole thing. So despite Anya’s constant winning of challenges and being called first, it turns out to be Whitney who’s named … well, you know.

I don’t feel too bad for Anya since I’m pretty sure she’ll be the one out of this cycle that comes closest to an actual long-time career in modeling. But I will miss the prospect of her “Life as a Cover Girl” ads; instead, I will have to make do with Whitney’s flat, nasal Atlantic tones.

In case you weren’t prepped for the win, this episode contained lots and LOTS of supportive statements about plus-size girls, from makeup artist Sutan’s “You’re the first juicy booty to make it on the runway” to like this five-minute interlude at the end where the judges stand around and proselytize about how Whitney is not “plus size.” Please, Paulina — just a few weeks ago you said you preferred your models dumb; I refuse to believe you’ve gone Mother Theresa on me.

After Fatima (who I think had the best still shot from the above) is eliminated from the top three, it’s a battle of the blondes on the runway for a show of Versace clothing, which is mentioned WAY too many times, making it sound like Donatella had sanctioned this high-class production, and not the dog-and-pony show that it is. Like, what Versace fashion show would let J Alexander open with a strut down the runway … and then stairs to his chair?

Whitney’s pink dress is very “Valley of the Dolls” peignoir, with a train. It’s sort of the mullet of couture — business in front, party in the rear. Everyone’s got these filmy, floaty dresses, and Anya gets stuck with the constrictive full-length sheath that requires weird walking — like someone took a disco ball to Morticia Addams. I also wonder how they found “plus-size” Versace outfits for Whitney — don’t they stop at, like, size 8?

But my favorite part of the show was the gilded boys wearing bikinis. This episode would have been great if it had been 45 minutes of them being painted up and walking down the runway, and then 5 minutes of “ANTM” doings.

Of the runway, Paulina (who is dressed like Audrey Hepburn in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”) says, “I saw a budding high-fashion model and a ham,” of Anya and Whitney, respectively. There is debate as to which girl takes “prettier” pictures, to which Paulina — a sound-byte machine this week! — says, “Whitney’s the one a guy wants in his bedroom, but Anya is the one you buy the dress from.” (In this case, the dress would be the first one, and not the mirror one.)

I really thought Whitney was too caricaturish in her first trip down the runway — like 150% of what she should have been — but pulled it back for her second outfit. And she did do a good job of working those layers of the skirt so they looked confectionary and floaty. Anya sort of fell flat for me, but still, with all the past still shots and wins, I thought she deserved the win.

Alas, I am not the ultimate arbiter of all things “ANTM” — or any thing “ANTM,” really, except this blog — and so it is pageanty-fake Whitney who is named the winner. I wish her a long, happy stint working with Ann Shoket and Saleisha.

I will give her credit: These two photos are pretty great. (Click on the thumbnails to see the full-size photos.) In the first one, even though she’s wearing a TON of makeup, she reminds me of a large-size Carrie Underwood.

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