In the “previouslies,” I notice that they’re still pronouncing it Ka-TAR-zhe-na, so when Tyra does that weird little shrug at the beginning of the musical intro, I know it’s actually her response every time Katarzyna tried to make her pronounce her name correctly: “Whatever, girl – the only name I care gets pronounced right is my OWN.”

And, after this week, the pronunciation doesn’t matter anyway, for the moral of this week’s episode is that models should not think. Or, we shouldn’t have to see them do it, anyway.

In the house, they’re working hard to set up a Dominique-vs.-Fatima rivalry, despite the fact they seem to be getting along pretty well – in fact, they’re having this conversation right now. Dominique: “Who (do you consider) your competiton?” Fatima: “I have no competition.”

Especially not Katarzyna, she snits at a later time. “She should be behind a desk, counting numbers,” Fatima says. “She’s dull.” Yeah, so maybe – but at least she’s got working genitals. If you’re gonna start pointing out how people are different, you’ve got a big Achilles vagina heel to worry about there. And also, let me remind you of the photo at left. Dull and pretty beats bitchy and Pekingese anywhere but Tyra Land.

Anyway, where was I? The models arrive at an arena, where they watch a giant she-male combat several smaller guy gladiators and emerge victorious. Bow down to s/him!

They then meet fight instructor Alex Mariotti, whose name just happens to rhyme with “hot little body,” which he has. I can’t wait for The CW to post pictures of tonight’s episode, just in case. (Click on any of the thumbnails on the rest of the post to see full-size photos.) … Unfortunately, he has chosen to accentuate said hot body by wearing the World’s Tightest Shirt, which reminds me of the time I was behind some ASU dude at a QuikTrip in Tempe and he was wearing was an equally skintight long-sleeved UnderArmour heat tee. I spent the entire time in line cursing him for being such a tool to go out in public like that, and raping him with my eyes. By the time I checked out with my soda, I was mentally exhausted.

Also, Alex looks a little like Ryan Reynolds in the face, which doesn’t hurt at all. He teaches them some moves, and then they go off to hair and makeup and emerge in a gladiator arena dressed like extras from “Xena, Warrior Princess.” Where, speaking of princesses, they run into J Alexander and Jay Manuel, who are wearing a wool peacoat and hat and tangerine-colored leather jacket, respectively. The Jays – should that be Js? – announce that this is a photo challenge, and the girls act surprised even though they’ve just been through hair and makeup. What were they expecting?

Well, they certainly weren’t expecting to battle what Whitney refers to as a “monstrous, ogre-like being” and I have down in my notes as “huge sexy gladiator man.” Really, we’re off to a great start this episode, Tyra: First Alex and now this guy, whose name is mentioned but I am too busy staring at his glistening muscles and … what? They only get five frames each? (Anda and Masha are somewhere seething: “We scouted all these pelts and rawhide … for this?”)

Anya does technically correct posing, Whitney gets credit for keeping her body open to the camera, Fatima “just wants to get out of there” and sucks, Dominique’s face was pretty, and … hey, was there someone else posing this week? Seriously, I don’t even have Katarzyna in my notes for this segment.

Whitney is named the winner and gets 1,000 euros, or $1,556, for a shopping spree. BUT! She has the option of splitting the money with a friend, or going alone with all the cash. I totally pegged her as an alone-and-rich girl, but instead she chooses Anya, who interviews that Whitney was “kind” to take her. Aww, I love Anya now.

The next day the girls arrive at a castle. (Fatima says, “I’ve never been in a castle” and I wanted to point out that she started out homeless, so really, couldn’t she have said the same thing about, say, a Hilton hotel? A Super 8?) They are greeted by the Js again, and this time Jay Manuel is wearing a collared vest that is sheepskin and leather and straps, which leads me together someone was busy with the wardrobe remnants of that last five-photo shoot. He’s all “old castle, Renaissance paintings, blah blah blah.”

And then Tyra shows up. “Mama’s in charge today, and Mama’s gonna be taking her babies’ pictures,” she says. “You ready for Mama?” She is seriously freaking me out (a) because she appears to be wearing a period Spanish flamenco style outfit, and (b) her hair looks like it was attacked by, but escaped, a snood. This is not the outfit to wear when you are putting visions of lesbian prison matrons from “Chicago” in my head. Because when you’re good to Mama, Mama’s good to you … although that and Xena would put her two-for-two with the lesbians this episode, too!

Katarzyna goes first and in an attempt to show personality, asks Tyra what her vision for the shoot is. “My vision is exaggeration” is the reply. “An Italian Renaissance woman, who went to the club, or Sunset Boulevard.” Uh …. OK.

Dominique goes next and is suitably awesome. She comes back and …while not gloating per se, does sure talk a lot about how much Tyra loved her. Fatima points out that Dominique knows how to pose and take a good picture. “Does that mean she’s my competition? No,” she says. Uh, yeah it does, genius. However, her shoot is great, too – in a different way: drama (Dominique) vs. elegance (Fatima).

Whitney – hey, I don’t know if it was subliminal or what, but I just typed her name with an S instead of a W at the beginning, and made an elementary-school funny – learns that this shoot is “more fashion, less sex” (translation: stop sticking out your butt and boobs so far.” And Anya, who goes last, does well but is the second person this episode to refer to the lessons as “teaches,” so she gets points off for that.

At the end of the shoot, Tyra says that some girls did well, “and a couple have slid,” and then she proceeds to slide down out of sight, next to Jay Manuel, who nervously says, “Where is she going?” It totally looks like she’s about to being performing oral sex on him, and he’s really uncomfortable about it.

Fatima says she thinks she’ll do great at this weeks’s judging: Her photo will be called first this week, and “ I feel like some people are going to hate me.” Done already!

In the judging room, Tyra totally pulls an Anya and greets them with “Bon soir” (French) instead of “Buona sera” (Italian). And Anya thinks: “Note to self. I never want to hear grief about my ‘gracias’ again.”

When the introduce the judges and get around to J Alexander, I notice that all the girls’ names are in the lower left hand corner of his silly jacket – except, handily enough, Katarzyna.

There’s lots of kissing Tyra’s butt – “Your photos are SO GOOD, Tyra! You should be in Italian Vogue, Tyra! Will you take my picture, Tyra?” – and the seasonal-obligatory reference to Tyra’s mom, who is responsible for teaching Tyra how to pick up a camera. I would now like to point out that Tyra goes on and on about how it was her first time using studio lights and the shots that pop up on screen look great, but the unretouched ones on the CW web site look more like the shot at left — it took playing with brightness/contrast, levels AND curves to get these even usable this week.

Tyra says Dominique looks like “a hostess at a really casual restaurant,” and needs to step up her appearance in person. But while she was hesitant to photograph her, “you got on set and made me a damn fool.” Yeah, I want you to think about that, Tyra: DOMINIQUE made you look like a fool. That’s like having a worm, or a kitchen table, do it.

Back to ka-TAR-zhe-na, who is “not punching through” and, really, they’re right … the photo is OK, but with so many other strong pictures this week, it really is one of the weaker of the bunch. Ditto Whitney’s, which features her staring into the light, just like Amis during the homeless shoot. Fatima’s and Anya’s are suitably good.

At least ka-TAR-zhe-na got one last Cover Girl of the Week, even if they pronounce her name wrong there, too. That’s just spiteful.

Deliberations! Paulina says Anya “was kind of fabulous to start with, but just getting better and better.” Nigel says “There’s a lot to Whitney” (ha-ha). Tyra says Dominique looks “sort of game show-ish.” and Fatima is awesome. They decide that the reason ka-TAR-zhe-na is not “working with her eyes is because she’s working with her brain.”

Fatima gets called first, then Dominique and Anya. And then it’s down to … Tyra! Of course she has to make the elimination of one of the two remaining girls all about her.

“This kills ME because I photographed both of you girls this week,” she starts off, and there’s more Mama, and while Tyra is talking to ka-TAR-zhe-na Whitney is totally on the right, saying, “Whatever, could you just send me home soon? Because this dookie is not worth it.”

Then it’s Whitney’s turn. Although she won the challenge this week, “the judges” feel like you’re getting stuck. (And by “the judges,” she means “me, Tyra Banks, who said this during the photo shoot and subsequently insisted on using this as your phrase of the week.”)

Also, the lighting in this room reminds my roommate of a daytime drama. (It is way better than Tyra’s studio lights, however.)

Anyway, the challenge winner stays. And the girl who has “IT, but that’s not enough” goes home, after the most insincere backrub and smile ever.

ammit

WHAT SAM WORE: 4/30/08
The shirt: Short-sleeved knit snap-collar by Ben Sherman (Last Chance)
The pants: Khakis by Chip and Pepper (I can’t stop wearing them!)
The shoes: Puma Clydes (Last Chance)
The sweater (when needed): Navy cardigan (Martin + Osa)

sammit

Posted in: ANTM • ANTM • katarzyna • sammit • top model |

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