Previously: There were go-sees, and Claire went home. Were it not for her behavior the week before that, I would be more devastated.

Speaking of, here’s one of the first sound bites of the night: “If I ever went home, I would be devastated,” says … Stacy Ann. My dear, welcome to devastation.

Has “Top Model” ever footed the bill for seven girls to go overseas? I don’t recall that, but somehow or another the remaining girls become convinced they’re about to head to a foreign country. Perhaps the country of Foreignia, which is where Anya’s accent is from.And right about now is when Fatima starts stressing about her “travel documents.” She is not a U.S. citizen and only has a green card; without documents, she can’t leave the country. “I could get kicked out of the competition by default,” she says. I’m sure that there will be many people who say that she should have thought about this way in advance, but I can understand how she would be very excited about the competition and not exactly have future travel be first and foremost in her mind. Admit it: Tonight is the first time most of you remembered: “Oh, yeah. Pretty soon they’ll go overseas.”

Plus, have you seen how long it takes to get a standard passport? They recommend you apply several months in advance. With a backload like that for U.S. citizens, I can’t imagine that green-card immigrant requests for travel are high priority, so even if she had put in her paperwork months ago – and notice that the editors were careful not to mention how far in advance she had actually done so – she probably would be waiting. How much time do you think has passed between selection and this point in the competition? Two months, two and a half max? So I am willing to cut her some slack this time.

Plus, she’s dealing with the Citizenship and Immigration Services department. Here’s the odd thing: According to the instructions I found online, if you have a green card and staying outside the country for less than a year, you probably don’t need documents. And even if you did, you can leave the country without them and they’ll send them to the consulate of the country you’re going to … if Tyra would tell you where you’re going, that is. So this is all Tyra’s fault!

So, Paulina shows up at the house looking amazing – she looks so much better with a clean face and a ponytail than all tarted up at panel, with enough makeup on to look like a 50-year-old trying to pass for 30. She works with the girls about “how best to showcase yourself,” acting first like a Miss DuBois, to whom the girls must kowtow, then next as a camera crew. Best quote, to Dominique: “Learn the beauty of a sound bite. Keep it short.”

Whitney thinks the exercises might mean that this week’s challenge has to do with interviews, or meeting someone important, or thinking on your feet. Whitney, your Mensa application is in the mail! Right behind Fatima’s travel documents.

And while chopping onions for potato pancakes, Lauren slices off a piece of her thumb. And let me tell you, I once removed the entire tip of my finger, nail and all, trying to learn how to use a mandoline, so I know the grief that comes when sharp blades meets digits. My friend CJ had to come over with crazy amounts of bandages and calm me down, mommy-style. When she got there, I had it wrapped in a dish towel and refused to look at it for fear of seeing bone. Lauren goes to the hospital and gets stitches – but still comes back with it wrapped in enough gauze to look comical, like a cartoon character hit itself on the thumb with a hammer.

It’s a day of surprises! A gold box shows up with a bunch of lemons and limes inside – oh, and a big card on the outside that says 7-Up, which … hey, I remember seeing a 7-Up during the program! Do you think it’s coincidental? The girls will attend a “green carpet” event with designer Jay Godfrey … and then his director of styling shows up with dresses for them all!

And it’s off to a gala event not at all staged for the cameras, even though the only people who show up are anyone related to “ANTM” and like five extras. They walk the paparazzi line then get interviewed by Lara Spencer of “The Insider.” When asked who she’s wearing, Dominique says, “Jay … Giorgiou.” When asked why she deserves to be top model, Lauren – who is kind of tarted up, and not in a good way – says it’s because she “could kick the (expletive) out of these girls anytime.” Class-ay!

Whitney is wearing a dress with a very open front that makes me hope that Jay Godfrey’s director of styling is a believer in Hollywood Fashion Tape. (Although I will admit that part of me was totally hoping for a nip slip, like in her runway show.)

Anya asks Season 2’s April how to succeed in the competition. Uh, wrong girl: You’re asking someone who didn’t win, and apparently has a schedule so free she can show up to an event like this.

Stacy-Ann thought she did well but … didn’t. They said she’s overthinking it, and didn’t wow the judges, who say there was “only one” girl who was “incredibly natural and had the confidence to win.” And at this point, Whitney is so smug and thinking she won, I’m surprised she didn’t just start walking up to accept some prize.

Anya. (“She’s not the greatest star in the sky,” Whitney grouses.) She gets to go on a photo shoot! In my notes, I facetiously wrote: “Nigel will shoot her ‘naked’ again.” Well, I was half right, actually: In honor of 7-Up’s “all natural”ness, they’re shooting her “au naturel,” under a bunch of lemons and limes. I wonder how quickly the PTC will protest this episode? Pretty soon they’ll just be protesting Anya, not the show.

She scores $10K for the gig, too!

Fatima learns she has an appointment at the consulate at 9 a.m, and is excited. There’s some sort of Tyra mail that says “pack your bags,” and the girls freak out. Only Lauren suspects something is amiss – “you’ve got to watch out for those tricks” – but packs nonetheless. They crawl into the cab at 5:50 a.m. and drive to the airport … where Jay Manuel tells them that their luggage “will be props for the photo shoot.” They’re posing in a group shot like they’re running toward the plane … and they have to be done and off the tarmac by 3 p.m.! Dun-dun-DUN!!!

Fatima explains about her appointment and cabs it back downtown while the rest of the girls get made up in a jetset style. They all pose individually at the front, then cycle around.

At 12:45 p.m. Fatima gets her documents. There is jumping to be had. And then it’s back in the cab, which … I am suspicious about the timing of this. If she left the airport at 9 a.m., let’s assume her cab time was an hour, maybe an hour and a half. Because there’s no way she just waltzed into the consulate at 12:30 after like a 3-hour cab ride and walked out with her documents 15 minutes later. My cab from Newark, N.J., to Manhattan took less than an hour, and that was with traffic.

So if she got done at 12:45 and hopped in the cab, she should’ve made it to the shoot by 2, 2:15. I wouldn’t put it past the producers to provide a hefty tip so the cab driver would meander slowly because she’s still not there at 3 p.m., when the girls walk out of the shoot and INTO A SURPRISE JUDGING!

But, conveniently enough, she does manage to show up just as the girls are standing there but before any judging of them has actually begun. How handy! Tyra chastises her, and then it’s time to look at the photos.

Katarzyna got so little camera time this week, we knew she was safe. (On the positive side, Nigel did manage to pronounce her name correctly.) Dominique managed to pull out a great photo, despite the fact that Jay Manuel said she was doing “Modeling 101,” the sort of moves you’d expect a model to do but wouldn’t want to have her do. Also, Dominique’s pose allows Tyra to use the phrase “booty tooch,” which of course means to stick out your rump a little.

Anya’s photo is great, Whitney’s is pretty good, they continue to love Lauren for reasons I don’t understand. They think Stacy-Ann is overselling it and her photo is pretty bad. And Fatima didn’t take part in the photo shoot, which, as Tyra reminds us, “is a big deal.” There is discussion of her past “body of work,” but her worst shoots are quickly glossed over in favor of the good ones.

Because right after the judging, the girls who remain are getting on the plane and headed to Foreignia.

Anya gets called first. Then all the other girls but Stacy-Ann and Fatima. Stacy-Ann knows she’s screwed and is crying already – no more blaming the cold wind, just Tyra’s cold heart.

“I have something in my hands,” Tyra says. It could be a photo, or a blank sheet of paper. Is it the girl who hit a plateau, or the girl who disappointed with lack of planning? C’mon, like there was any question: There’s no way Tyra would let all that manufactured drama go to waste! Stacy-Ann is going home.

But you know, she seems happy and smiling even while she’s crying and disappointed.

Then Tyra tells the girls that only the judges get to fly on a private jet – “I hope you have fun on your commercial flight,” she says in a tone that implies that flying coach is just as bad as catching a ride on the back of a fly-ridden hay truck headed to Mexico.

But they’re not going to Mexico – they’re going to Rome! Where Fatima apparently comes down with an illness. I am very excited to see that The CW is now referencing classic American short stories — and one of my favorites, to boot! — in their plot lines.

ammit

WHAT SAM WORE: 4/16/08
The shirt: “Muscle” (stop snickering!) polo by Abercrombie & Fitch (Buffalo Exchange)
The pants: Khakis by Chip and Pepper (Last Chance)
The shoes: Leather trainers by Puma (Nordstrom, Scottsdale)

sammit

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