This episode starts out with the girls complementing Aimee in the car after their photo shoot – mostly about her skin, about which the phrase “insanely crazy beautiful” is uttered. That, paired with the fact she had received relatively little screen time before tonight, made me write in my notes: “Toast.”

But enough about obvious editing. The real drama is back at the house, where Dominique is her usual crazy self; Lauren is becoming distressingly erratic, to the point where I think she could lunge and shiv someone; and Claire disappoints me by acting really childish and immature.See, Dominique sets her alarm clock really early, and then doesn’t get up to turn it off. Repeatedly. So Claire, rightfully, decides to set her straight about courtesy and responsibility to others – which, of course, isn’t going to register with anyone who consistently refers to herself in the third person, as Dominique is wont to do.

However, this conversation escalates. There is yelling. There is LOTS of yelling. The argument moves into the kitchen/dining room – later in the day? – and eventually Claire calls Dominique “a shady b—.” When Dominique asks if Claire talks to her husband that way, Claire gets defensive and says, “At least I have a husband, OK?” – a slam to a single mom.

Now, I present Claire’s side: “It’s not until I called her a b— that she took notice.” Please note: “took notice” does not mean “heeded.” Please also note that at this point, I am still on Team Claire – Dominique does indeed seem like the sort of person who would make roommateship a chore, and having had a boyfriend who set the alarm clock 30 minutes earlier than he was actually going to get up so he could “sleep” it three times, I can tell you that s— is annoying. I can’t imagine what it would be like if he had just slept right through it or downright refused to turn it off.

So now it’s Whitney (who loves Dominique!), Claire, Anya and Lauren, all confronting Dominique, who has this oddly calm demeanor, sitting in the room, saying freaky things but not acting too angry. Eventually she tells Lauren that she needs to stay in her place and not join this conversation. (These words are said: “Who are you to tell me to stay in my place? What is my place?” “The trash is your place. That is where you belong.”)

And Lauren – whose hair looks rattier and rattier every time I see it – goes off on Dominique in a high-volume, high-emotion F-bomb fest that makes me wonder if she has lost her access to meds. And I would really, seriously, never make someone that erratic that angry in a kitchen, where they have access to knives.

So, still Team Claire – although apparently Team Claire also has bitchy Whitney and tweaker Lauren on it, so really this is turning more into Gang Claire. At this point, however, I am seriously considering renouncing my team membership.

Dominique calls her mom and in her own special delusional way, decides they’re attacking her because she’s so strong in the competition. Well, at least this week she remembered her phone time! We get no footage of her talking to her Previously Very Important Child, however.

Tyra shows up and gives them walking lessons – and teaches them the “three-second rule,” which is not, as you might expect, how long Tyra’s boyfriends stay around, but actually about standing at the end of the catwalk to get photos taken. Midlesson, in the fakiest fake-fake ever, Tyra “accidentally hurts her ankle” – really, her acting has gotten no better since she tried to pretend she was sick that one cycle.

Psych! It’s all about posing with pain! If you’ve got nothing else in your bag of tricks, pose like something hurts! (My brain, right about now.) “Think pain but beauty!” Tyra exhorts. “Think, ‘I can’t take you anymore!’ ” Is she speaking through the TV directly at me?

Then there’s a pose-off. Anya wins the challenge, and earns a “one-on-one photo session” with Nigel Barker. Which, I predict in my notes, is “(aka: naked or sexual scene).”

PRESTO! Anya will be photographed naked in bed, with none of the other girls around to hear her screams distract her. Nigel is all, “We want these pictures to be timeless, and clothing is dated, so please strip naked and get between the sheets while I photograph you with this old Polaroid camera. Yes, sure you can use these photos in your portfolio!”

Back at the house, Aimee is unnerved to learn about the nudity. There’s always the girl who wants to be a model but doesn’t want to get nekkid.

And now comes the time when I officially quit Team Claire: While Dominique is trying to sleep in the room, Lauren, Whitney and Claire are all sitting on a couch in the room, yakking away, laughing loudly. And while I respect someone’s rights to have a conversation, I do not respect someone’s rights to have a conversation in which they talk smack about you to two other people, pretending you’re not even in the room.

And it’s not even like it’s witty. Whitney says such bon mots, “Remember when you said that one thing this morning?,” which allows us to flash back to the fight and the “at least I have a husband,” which (a) upon repeated viewing reminds me of that scene in “Airplane” when the wife (“Jim never vomits at home!”) makes the stewardess burst into tears with those very words, and (b) is really insensitive to single mothers.

Hey, did Dominique point out maybe your milk is drying up because your body’s too busy producing bile and vitriol? Or that your husband’s probably found a wet nurse to replace you while you “pursue your dream” of sharing a room with four other girls on a reality show on a broadcast network that gets worse ratings than the USA network? No. No she did not.

What Dominique does, instead, is ask them to move to the other room. Claire refuses, because she doesn’t respect Dominique. “I never claimed to be that big of a person,” she snarks. Yeah, I hope your daughter’s watching this, Claire. Great mom tips! Up until now, you’d appeared so rational and mature. … Anya is totally winning Cover Girl of the Week for this.

At this week’s photo shoot the girls will embody particular genres of music. (Click on each thumbnail to bring up the full-size photo in a new window.)

Fatima is “metal rock” and looks like a starving member of KISS, to the point where she even gives the Gene Simmons tongue.” Katarzyna, wearing a choppy wig and a lip ring, is “emo” but is dressed more grunge.

Lauren “tippy tumbles” out in a Britney Spears vinyl outfit for pop and blathers on about how she’s never heard a Britney song because she’s so underground punk rock. To which I say: liar. It is impossible to be any sort of musically oriented person and not be familiar with at least one Britney Spears song. I hate your punkier-than-thou poseur attitude! What’s actually lamer: (1) Admitting to having heard at least Britney Spears track on the radio/in a commercial/bar/movie soundtrack/MTV Awards show, or (2) willingly enduring the machinations of a Tyra Banks series while wearing a vinyl minidress and topknot ponytail? Think before you answer, Mumbles McMeth.

In what appears to be a quick case of karma, Claire fails to excite as a country girl. Dominique, meanwhile, excels at folk. I try not to listen to what she says during her interviews anymore, but her picture is good.

Anya is punk. Stacy-Ann is house. They get two seconds of screen time. They’re safe this week!

Aimee doesn’t understand R&B, the photographer says – which, really, what are they saying about R&B when they’ve put a white girl in a ‘fro ponytail and a sequined gold cocktail dress? But: At least she’s not naked! And her skin looks flawless. I think her face looks great. The rest, eh.

Sure, put the big girl in the big clothes. Whitney is “grunge,” which the stylists have reinterpreted as “The Crow.” Nonetheless, she does great on her grunge diving board. Because Kurt Cobain was well known for his pike position. Maybe they misunderstood “stage diving.”

Judging! Guest judge, photographer Russell James, has a hot accent, by the way, and would be sexy if he would cut that faux-Fabio hair.

J Alexander gets to use the “broken-down doll” phrase this week regarding Fatima’s pose. “Broken-down doll marionette legs,” to be exact. “BDD” is the new “fierce” in the Forbidden Words of 2008 category.

The judges say it’s Claire’s worst shoot ever. They compliment Dominique, sort of, and I notice that whenever she grins with glee, she reminds me of the Olsen twins back in their “Full House” days.

At deliberation, Nigel says Anya “falls into good poses.” See how men treat you? They get you into bed naked, and then talk about you behind your back. Never trust Nigel Barker!

Whitney gets called first, then Katarzyna (who’s getting a haircut next week! Maybe they could bring Russell James along). Then blah blah blah down to Claire (shaking her head no) and Aimee (crying).

Aimee, your interpretation of R&B – “no pun intended – fell flat.” I hate “no pun intended”. It’s intended. Or don’t say it.

And also, why is R&B one of the easiest shoots? I think that Anya’s crazy wig and outfit and set = easy. Whitney, with runny eye makeup, a chair, a speaker, a diving board and 17 pounds of flannel = easy. Fatima, in a KISS outfit that pretty much screams “crazy behavior” = easy.

A shiny dress and a red wall and big earrings? Not “easy.” What did they expect, a Mariah-in-“Glitter”-style breakdown on set? A Mary J. wailfest? Beyonce’s bootyliciousness? A Jill Scott eatfest? R&B is all of those things and none of them at the same time.

But, alas, it is too late for our Aimee, who leaves a little shocked.

Next week: Lauren enacts her version of “Girls Gone Wild.” Only because it’s Lauren, it’s not, you know, sexy at all. Just frightening.

ammit

WHAT SAM WORE: 3/26/08
The shirt: Jersey short-sleeved shirt by American Apparel (noticing a trend yet?)
The pants: Narrow-legged cotton pinstriped trousers (Banana Republic)
The shoes: Suede chukka boots by RJ Cole (Last Chance)
The scent: I am down to the dregs of the now-discontinued Donna Karan Unleaded.

sammit

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