(Posed and re-created for the camera? Not at all!)

Fatima says being in bottom two was “shocking.” You might say she had … a close shave? (Apparently not … but more about that later.) We see her practicing runway and poses, while Dominique practices talking about herself in the third person: “I believe in Dominique. Dominique’s going to win this competition.” I believe Dominique is seriously annoying.

Please don’t leave me here.

The girls show up in a studio to learn about the three C’s – as spotlights illuminate various dramatically posed people, we learn they stand for “commercial,” “couture” and “catalog.” And bam! There stand Benny Ninja and an incredibly uncomfortable-looking Vendela. We’ve been very model-intensive this cycle! Fatima, meanwhile, says seeing Benny Ninja is “her dream.” She needs to dream a little higher.

At the end of the session I wonder if any actual lessons were involved, as opposed to just watching them shout out a word like “commercial” and having the girls pose.

Back at the house, Dominique misses her phone time and blames … Whitney. Whitney reacts like Whitney is wont to do – with attitude to match her avoirdupois. “Don’t twitch your head at me,” Dominique says, which results in much more head-bobbing, which results in Dominique calling Whitney a racist brick wall.

“Call me a bitch? Yeah, probably,” Whitney says. I love a girl with self-awareness and ownership! (Now, if she could just own up to that Anna Nicole thing…) But racist … no way. (Although I wish her first sentence hadn’t been the classic, “My best friend is black!”)

Yay, Janice Dickinson! Even if it’s in an Orbit ad, I’ll take it – especially because she’s taking her crazy reputation – “Spritzer girl” – and running with it. I might need to buy some Orbit Maui Melon Mint to support her.

Back from commercials and Dominique’s rickety argument falls apart. She says that Whitney can be racist to a Jewish white girl with blonde hair and blue eyes, or a girl with red hair and green eyes. That’s the most all-inclusive, equal-opportunity racism ever!

“You look like you’re 30 and act like you’re 12!” Dominique shouts. (Well, that’s still a good dozen years younger than Dominique looks.)

This week’s challenge takes place in the 5 Points area – Lauren’s in her old stomping grounds of Brooklyn! But Vendela leads them into one of those way-too-clean “bad parts of town with lots of graffiti” spots where there are voguers. Why don’t I think that Lauren fits in here?

Indeed, Dominique is the one who says, “This is where I fit in,” which is oh so fitting because the guys are superdraggy. This really is a week of self-awareness, isn’t it?

It’s time for a pose-off! They’ll go head to head in vogueing and then strike a pose. Sadly, there is no Whitney-vs.-Dominique competition. Instead, it is Fatima who says that Whitney reminds her of the girl everyone hates in high school “who sleeps with all the football players.”

It is decided that Claire wins for her fierce posing, although the footage we see of her is only a standard front faux-karate kick. But, yay! I love her. And the prize for her and her team is a trip to a goodie tent, where they rake in everything from handbags to sunglasses and guitars. Marvita points out that at this point, she is freeloading. “This ain’t no cheap fake stuff,” she says. Enjoy it while it lasts – which is what, 20 minutes?

(Meanwhile, Claire also wins a trip to Bora Bora. Which Whitney doesn’t like. Little does she know she has incurred the wrath of Vendela!

Back at the house, Marvita and Lauren are actually drinking 40-ouncers. Do they really stock those in the “Top Model” house? No cigarettes, but it’s OK to pour a forty? Fatima sniffs at their shenanigans. Maybe she should be practicing some more.

When they greet Jay at this week’s photo shoot he reacts like they caught him with his hands in the cookie jar – seriously, the gayest arm position I’ve seen in a while. The concept for the shoot is pretty cool and straightforward – just close-ups of them and some crazy paint. Photographer is Peter Buckingham, who is rocking Hugh Grant’s old haircut from the ‘90s.

(Click on each thumbnail to bring up the full-size photo in a new window.)

On to judging! The fourth chair is occupied by Vendela, who we’re reminded is host of “Scandinavia’s Next Top Model,” which apparently is the new fallback when you start to age and haven’t married a rocker or mogul or started your own line of knickers.

I should have shaved what?

Fatima totally grosses them out with her armpit shot. She doesn’t shave them, it seems, and not in some angry-at-genital-mutilation way, but in just another example of how someone who thinks she’s brilliant can be very, very stupid. “Do you know how cheap a razor is?” Nigel Barker says. “Like a dollar,” says Tyra, who should know because she probably shaves her head to get those wigs nice and snug every week.

Lauren shows up in Converse high-tops, and even in comfortable shoes, Paulina says (proving her brilliant alacrity), she still “lumbers out like Young Frankenstein.” Her photo makes it look like she has a nosebleed.

Marvita is tragic. While Tyra says the photo is sort of “National Geographic meets French Vogue,” Paulina says it looks more like “orphan doing modeling.” Team Porizkova!

Everyone else gets a short edit so we know they’re OK. Or are they? During the commercial break, I am crushed to read in the fine print that the “Meet the Model” winner must be female. Sexist! Or, as Dominique would say, racist! Oh, well, it saves on my text charges.

After deliberations, Stacy-Ann is called first, then Dominique (which earns an eye roll from Whitney), then Claire, Anya, Lauren, Aimee, Katarzyna (whose hair is still not prissy enough for Tyra, who seriously is follicularly obsessed with her) and Fatima, in all her hirsute glory.

It’s Marvita vs … Whitney? See, Vendela thinks that Whitney didn’t take the vogueing challenge too seriously, to which I say, what? She did the freaking SPLITS, people! Lauren just sort of laid on the ground and held her shoe for like 2 minutes straight, while Whitney did the splits and was confronted with Fatima’s cooter in her face. That’s bravery under fire, Vendela!

Nonetheless, Tyra acts like this has been an issue every single photo shoot and that Whitney appears “not that invested.” However, Marvita is beaten-down shell of her former self, which when you think about how she started out as a homeless rape victim is pretty bad. When Tyra says “we think one of you might want this a little more,” we know it’s Whitney, and Marvita must return to the house, pack her bags ….

Even during Tyra’s “buck-up!” speech, Marvita has dead eyes. She totally was just juiced to stay in a nice house a little longer, you know? She exits having packed massive quantities of free stuff into her bag.

Next week, even Lauren gets into the “shut up, Dominique” game. Although she’s screaming so loud, I wonder if it’s acting week?

ammit

WHAT SAM WORE: 3/19/08
The sweater: Cotton/Lycra tuxedo shirt by Theory (Last Chance)
The pants: Dark wash 1969 jeans (gap.com)
The belt buckle: Limited-edition (#4155/5000) Montana centennial edition silver buckle (and yes, my name is engraved on the back of it)
The shoes: Nordic-looking “Tumble” leather moccasins by J. Shoes (The now-defunct Goclothing.com web site, 2007)

sammit

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