Well, that whole “one extra girl” thing sort of took care of itself, didn’t it?

Because one extra girl on “America’s Next Top Model” goes home tonight – of her own accord.

(Although this being Kimberly, I’m not sure if she knows what “accord” means.)

Pushed over the edge by a Badgley Mischka fashion show where her shirt cost $500 and her bag $700, Kimberly has the revelation that although she loves modeling, she’s “not into high fashion. I don’t believe people should pay $2,000 for an outfit,” she says. And so at judging, when Tyra asks if she wants to leave, she says, “Sure.”

At first, maybe I thought she was some sort of hoax or elaborate prank – an Improv Everywhere mole planted to stand up at an appointed time and say, “I decry this as ludicrous!” and walk off. How awesome would that have been? Suddenly her voice would change into something completely different from that horrific squeak (why do they dig on Stacey-Ann when Kimberly had it even worse?), she’d speak with lucidity … ah, but I dream. Her egress ends up less of a bang and more of a whimper, the human equivalent of a noncommital shrug.

Anyway: New house! Do you think the girls who already lived in New York – Claire, Lauren, Atalya – feel a little cheated they didn’t get a bigger trip? Well, Atalya doesn’t have to worry about that, since she is this cycle’s “pretty, but not a model” victim and goes back to Brooklyn. Seriously? You get one per cycle, Tyra, and you’ve already playing that trump card?

So the girls do a fashion show in the middle of Times Square and for all the rigamarole – the runway, the Sprint simulcast, the flashing lights – the turnout is pretty sparse. The crowd is like 100 people, I’m betting at least half of which are friends of the production assistants. Maybe it’s because it looks like they did it on a chilly winter evening. Who’s in charge of logistics here?

Afterwards, Marvita claims that Fatima hit her in the face – we see footage but the actual hand is off screen – and doesn’t apologize. “She’s trying to provoke me,” Marvita says, no doubt clenching and unclenching her fists. More Jesus, Marvita! He said that if someone strikes you, you should turn the other cheek.

Instead, Marvita decides on – what else? – a confrontation. Speaking of trump cards, Fatima realizes she’s already used her “genital mutilation” one and instead must play her “tough exterior belies big softie inside” one, which makes everyone melt. She’s got more cards up her sleeve than a bad Vegas magician.

Another case of Marvita’s poor public-relations skills: Asking how the hell Amy came up with Amis. Amis, for her part, has one good point (“Why are you named Marvita?”) and one bad one “It’s in the Bible.” Look how much Jesus you’re getting, Marvita! Unfortunately, that would be the book of Amos with an O, not Amis with an I.

(I would like to now point out that although I haven’t picked up the good book in … 20 years, last week I was still able to name the first 22 books of the Old Testament. Go, Sunday school! Zacchaeus was a wee little man!)

Thus endeth this week’s Bible study, and back to Fatima. Saying things like, “You’re the last thing on my mind, sweetheart” negates any claims of being a nice person. I think she looks way better with straightened hair, apropos of nothing.

Anyway, there’s a fashion show. J. Alexander wears an Ed Hardy T-shirt, which makes me despite him even more. I love how Amis says, “What am I doing here? I”m a ragamuffin!” I expect her to burst into a song from “Oliver.”

This cycle’s Tyra Mail is a crawler, so the girls have to cluster around and watch and recite as … each … word … travels … across … the … screen. … It’s … as … exciting … as … it … sounds.

At Elite, the girls meet new judge Paulina Porizkova, who is dressed up like Mrs. Brady and Mrs. Partridge. Will there be songs? No, but there will be “truthful but hurtful” things said, such as that Amis has bad skin and Dominique looks like a transvestite version of Robin Wright Penn. “I want to take a Brillo pad and clean you,” Neal Hamil says. (Later, they will also say Katarzyna needs to lighten up on the cosmetics … behind her back, of course.)

Anya is excited and says she wants to hug her and get to know her and say, “What’s your opinion?” Uh, didn’t she just give it to you? I worry about Anya. Was she shaken as a child?

During the analysis, Paulina mentions that Marvita and “our Polish girl” have similar features to herself, which Fatima brings up in the (giant, no-longer-biodiesel) cab as “you have squished features.” Now, why would you even bring that up? Did she go around and dissect everyone in the cab’s, too, or just zero in on the one woman who’s bound to take offense at it?

“What is up with you?” Marvita says. “I’ve never met a mean African except for you.”

Photo shoot! Jay Alexander greets them wearing a zip-front full-length trenchcoat that I’m pretty sure is actually leather, but it looks a lot like it’s made from rubber. They’ll be “bringing attention to the problem of homeless youth” … by posing with them! One of the girls, Isis, says she’s a fashion designer, which leads me to believe business isn’t going so well. (“Oh, I’m sorry. I must be in the wrong building. They said today I’d be posing with homeless youth, but I seem to have ended up in the fashion designers building instead.”) And another totally looks like Frenchie from “American Idol.”

Alison is the “girl who knows too much” – her posing is a little too extreme, her hunches too “early man.” Dominique says she’s “really embracing someone who’s homeless.” I think usually you might want to keep them at arm’s length until they get a good shower. And Fatima starts talking about how it was when she lived in the shelter … really? Is she going to have a moving story for every single challenge put before them? How many damn cards does she have?

Jay Manuel suggests bringing “awkward Lauren to the table.” I think she’s already sitting at the head of that table. Amis is goofy and campy, Anya has awesome hair and Kimberly says, “It’s really hard to come in and have people tell me wha to do all the time.” Man, I’m glad she’s gone. I think Aimee had the best perspective all of them: “I hope someone did worse than me.”

Back at the house, I fall in love with Claire. She’s making breakfast for all the girls – French toast – and Atalya asks if she’s nervous about today’s judging. “I am not nervous,” Claire says in this very kindly patient, explanatory voice that makes me think of my friend Sharyn, who’s a mother of two and uses the same calm, reasoned tone to talk to her kids. “I am excited and worried though.”

Speaking of judging, J. Alexander’s gimmick this cycle is that he has the girls’ names attached to his vest and will remove them when they’re eliminated. I hope there’s no Janet Jackson-style wardrobe malfunction (shudder).

There’s also a new judge – instead of Twiggy, it’s Paulina, who appears at the back of the room in a superdrama way, in a purple floor-length gown with an awesome belt. She looks great – especially since she’s 42 years old – but she also looks very … grim? Mean? Unapproachable? Intimidating? I’m saying that if Paulina Porizkova were seated next to me in a restaurant, I would be afraid to even look over and nod hello. If it were Twiggy I’d say something like, “Hello, so lovely to see you,” and Janice Dickinson I would just request a different table for fear of being injured by her collateral damage.

Tyra says that homelessness is an issue “that is very close to my heart.” Because for her talk show, she was homeless for a day! A whole day! Well, technically, she wasn’t, since she had a house – she was acting homeless, sure, but certainly is well-off.

Anyway, they look at a bunch of pictures. Tyra says Fatima “get(s) lost into nothing,” whatever that means, and that Alison’s pilates training “worked against you.”

Deliberations! Paulina says Alison looks like an upper East Side girl who wants us to carry her bags for her. I like how she came to Lauren’s defense earlier, though, when Nigel Barker was all, “You’re too nervous.” Paulina points out of course she’s going to be nervous for a while. Stupid Horny Nigel.

He also wants to see Marvita’s personality … I, meanwhile, would like her to put her personality away for a while.

Anyway, it’s down to Atalya vs. Amis, and I quote from my notes: “There’s no way they’re sending Amis home. She’s the makeover girl.” It comes to down to the pretty girl vs. the interesting girl, and we always know which one they pick. …

Next week: Makeovers!

ammit

WHAT SAM WORE: 2/27/08
The shirt: Long-sleeved cotton crewneck sweater (Banana Republic) I figure I’ve got a few weeks left with long-sleeved sweaters, so I’m gonna milk it for all it’s worth. Plus, I sit under the A/C vent.
The pants: Khakis by Chip and Pepper (I made my annual pilgrimage to Last Chance last weekend.)
The shoes: Suede trainers by Puma (Last Chance)
The scent: Mentha Body Lotion by C.O. Bigelow (Bath & Body Works) I’ve been fighting a cold so spraying on cologne isn’t anything I’m concerned about, but this tube sits on my desk and it’s part of my sitting-down-at-my-desk routine.

sammit

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