All the designers are missing Chris already. “There’s a void in the room there,” Sweet P says. Yeah, a really big void! But not for long … or am I giving something away?

Jack is holding a cloth to his face, wondering jokingly if he can sew with one hand. At first he thought he had a pimple in his nose, but now he’s thinking it’s actually MRSA – which, thanks to my roommate Kevin and our friend and his fellow medical student Alex, I now know stands for “methecillin-resistant staph aureus,” a pretty common but serious skin infection that’s resistant to most types of antibiotics. It has also made Jack’s upper lip swell, so much that he has begun to look like Jim Carrey all made up as The Grinch.

Heidi’s wearing a houndstooth skirt that looks odd in front, like it has a bubble panel or something. Highly unflattering. She brings out this week’s models – who, unlike Sweet P had hoped, are not “crazy fairy princesses or transvestites,” but rather women who have lost a significant amount of weight (45 minimum, 160 at the high end). They’re wearing their favorite “before” outfits, which the designers will have to reinvent.

Christian is not pleased abut working with real-sized women: “So not me at all,” he says. “At all.”

Everyone is wondering who’s going to get stuck with the woman who chose her wedding dress as her favorite outfit: It turns out to be Steven, who says, “Oh, dear God, it felt like death on a stick.”

Back in workroom, Chris has left a note that’s supersweet and leaves many of the designers sad. Sweet P is even crying. Hey, that’s Ricky’s schtick! Tim Gunn reminds them that the look needs to be suitable for the client’s everyday life and still express the designer’s point of view. He’s sending the women in for half an hour to meet with the designers.

Christian’s client is extra picky: She doesn’t like prints, she doesn’t like colors, she doesn’t like to show her arms, she won’t wear skirts or dresses, she only wears black or jeans … “I was like, OK … because she doesn’t. like. anything,” he sums up, and this is one time where his attempt at superior disdain might actually be warranted. Make her a burkha!

Steven is inventorying all the elements of the wedding dress: buttons, polyester satin with beads and sequins and acetate lace … “Dear God, help me now,” he says. The designers have 15 minutes and $10 for extra fabric to supplement the designs. Steven announces he’s going to buy a lot of black fabric, and although his sketch looks like it could be great if done correctly, it’s also one of those that will look horrible if done incorrectly. And now I know whom they’re talking to in the promos when they say, “It looks like a French maid.”

With 12 hours to go, Jack says he’s “95 percent sure” that it’s MRSA, and calls his doctor and talks to Tim. “I don’t want to have to quit for a stupid reason,” he says. The other designers are abuzz … Sweet P seems to be one of those people who always knows what’s going on but isn’t all gossipy about it. “This is not as important as your (expletive) health,” she says.

Jack doesn’t think so, either: “I’m concerned about getting better; I don’t feel comfortable being here any more,” he tells the other designers, and Tim tells them Jack has made the decision to leave. I am glad to see that, in the interviews, he has returned to normalcy, so his decision to care for his health was a good one.

The designers are extra sad about this turn of events. Ricky decides to make himself feel better by wearing his model’s outfit. He says it’s because he’s checking the fit of the jeans, which are now cropped – and inside out – but did he need to put on the heels?

Tim announces the clients are here for a fitting – and another surprise: Chris March will come back to replace Jack. They all cheer and he, typically wry and funny, says, “Did you miss me?” Because he’s behind everyone else, he gets the option of staying through the night to work on his design. He says that over the years he’s gained and lost “1,500 pounds” himself.

Tim time! He says Elisa’s outfit looks short, but she says there will be a visible slip underneath. He replies that it sounds like there’s an awful lot going on. Steven gets the dun-dun-dun music because Tim says, “You are courageous to discard this so summarily.” Steven says, “If Nina starts giving me trouble, I swear …” He never finishes his sentence, which is a shame because you know Nina’s trouble is coming. Tim tells Chris about his plans to give his outfit a nautical theme, and Tim warns to make an allusion to sailor, but not too literal. He also tells Chris to make his decisions quickly, because “I’ve mae more bad decisions at 3 o’clock in the morning than I can list.” Everyone starts laughing, which is when he realizes what he has actually said.

Rock scurry music!

The next morning the designers arrive to find Chris sacked out on the couch. He wonders aloud whether he actually even made anything – but he’s joking. “The question isn’t whether it was done, it was whether it was good enough.” From the looks of it, not so much …

Two hours for hair and makeup. Ricky asks his model if she’s used to wearing tight pants and she says not so much. “I am,” he replies. Whether he added, “I’m even used to wearing YOUR pants” or not is unknown. Jillian didn’t use any of the material from her model’s shirt, choosing instead to use the matching material she found at the fabric store. She used a bit of the pants as piping.

It’s time for the Christian Diss of the episode, where he smacks down his competitors: “Chris’ outfit is pure costume. Steven’s is god-awful hideous, Elisa’s is god-awful hideous.” And then he pulls out the same old “judges may die over it, or die because of it” bit.

Time for the fittings! Aw, Ricky, we missed your fountain of tears! He is crying in the workroom with his client AND he cries, separately, during his interview, wearing a completely different outfit. “She makes me remember why I do what I do,” he bawls.

Steven is in such bad shape, Victorya and Ricky are helping him – Kevin has already pitched in, too. He’s even gluing the collar and cuffs on. At this point, my roommate (who doesn’t watch the show regularly and hadn’t seen the promos) says, “She looks like a Puritan maid.”

Runway time! Steven looks sick to his stomach. Guest judge is Patrick Robinson, head designer for the Gap.

Sweet P used olive gray polyster to make a halter dress with satin trim – is it from the wedding gown? Jillian’s red halter dress has racing-style piping at the sides. Ricky’s tunic is flirty and fun, with brown trim and coin-size button detail. And, of course, the denim crop pants.

Chris’ blue top has cigarette pants and … a red tied scarf as a belt? And a red pocket square? And a red kick panel at the pleat? She looks like a street hooker from “Carmen.”Christian’s black blouse has intricate satin pleating that’s amazing. His sleeves are puffed again, but it doesn’t bug me so much. She’s got a tan top underneath and, in today’s trend, cropped jeans. Victorya has turned a floor-length velvet tank shift into a cocktail dress. I really hope Bravo provides us with “before” garments so you can see the transformations. (They didn’t.)

Elisa turned a tunic top into a red jacket, with the aforementioned multilayer black skirt/navy slip. I’m not sure how much of this discomfort is because these women aren’t used to walking on a runway and aren’t built like models, and how much is the outfits themselves. Kit’s tunic-to-top-and-skirt is flirty, but it reminds me of something that would be sold at Torrid. Even she wonders if it’s fashion-forward enough. Kevin’s outfit is pretty awesome: the canary yellow blazer is now a bustier top with buttons, which is worn with leggings. “I made her look like one of ‘Charlie’s Angels,’” he says. And while I like it, I wonder how often she can actually wear that out and about.

Steven’s piece is not constructed well – there is an odd gathering at the bust and looks kind of matronly, not angular and severe like the sketch. Rami’s outfit is nice, too, but all I have written down is “high waist, plunging top.”

The best and worst: Steve, Christian, Chris, Kevin, Jillian, Elisa. It’s not hard to sort them into their respective categories.

Kevin’s model says she’d wear the outfit “out of here, if I could.” Heidi says she expected something “more classic” for Elisa’s model. “It’s you,” Nina Garcia says to Elisa, “but it’s not very Tracy.” – am I missing something here? Do the judges have personality profiles for each of these women? How do they know what’s “Tracy”?

Jillian made a sexy dress, Michael Kors says, “but other women aren’t thinking she looks liek a hoochie mama.” Steven, though, took his outfit from a wedding to a funeral. “Why so somber?” They say it looks like a French maid. Or a funeral. Or a French maid at a funeral.

They love Christian’s outfit: “It’s you but it’s super commercial.” Not so much Chris’ outfit. “All she’s missing is a cigarette and a beret,” Michael Kors says, and goes on to compare her to “Shirley Maclaine when she played a hooker with a heart of gold.” God, I’m thinking along the same lines as Michael Kors! I am scared.

Patrick Robinson says it’s not easy to keep a bustier top up and make women feel comfortable, but Kevin did. Jillian’s dress was Im. Pec. Cable., Michael Kors says, but they wish she would have used more of the original material. Elisa’s chopped the body, and Steve’s just needs a feather duster. Chris “forced a lot into it,” Patrick says, which is a nice way of saying “it’s a total costume.”

The winner: Christian! Kevin seems disappointed, but again, I say: How often do you wear a bustier top? He is, however, also safe. As is … Chris. (I thought for sure it would be Elisa.)

It’s down to her and Steven. Her outfit is more about her than her client. Too many layers, too much. Steven hears the “French maid” bit again, as well as the kiss of death: “boring and cliched.” He’s out.

In his exit inteview he says, “just because the judges don’t like it doesn’t make it awful.” Well, usually, yeah it does. I will miss him, though: He had a very dry, wry writ and seemed well-spoken and funny, without being full of yuks like Chris. Who shall be our new Greek chorus?

Posted in: Project Runway |

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