As if Tyra Banks would pick someone besides a girl who’d attended her T-Zone camp win “America’s Next Top Model” … That wouldn’t be good advertising, now, would it?

As Tyra recaps the season, the only real thing that sticks is how much better Jenah looked with something slightly resembling her natural hair color, instead of that bleached straw weave she’s rockin now.

And … on to the show.

Well, on to them lying on their beds, anyway. It’s kind of odd — Jenah and Chantal are lying on the same bed, right next to each other, and they’re talking about all these confessional things … yet nobody’s making eye contact. Chantal’s playing with her hair, Jenah’s looking at her nails, it’s more like they’re bored than scared or intimidated.

Time for the print and commercial Cover Girl ads — well, the ones that actually count, it appears — not the ones from a couple of weeks ago. Cover Girl must have paid extra this season for two stints. Jenah’s hair looks like frizz central — what’s the humidity in China? Here for the little extra helpful boost is Jaslene, who’ll remind them that they’ll go absolutely nowhere for the next year. “I wanna be in her shoes,” Chantal says, and before I can start, she follows up with, “because they’re cute little strappy yellow shoes, and I want them.” I like her a little better now. (She does not, however, mention Jaslene’s matching yellow fan.)

Chantal goes first and Jay Manuel says that her inflection makes her sound like a “dumb model.” He is the least helpful man, ever. How is that going to make her do better, bolster her resolve, anything besides make her feel like crap? Chantal, for her part, says she’d be a perfect Cover Girl because she “loves life” and “loves delicious fruity lip gloss.” Cue the anti-Chantal — Jenah.

The director tells her to bring “a real sense of Jenah” to the commercial. He must not know her very well: That would sour the fruity lip gloss instantly. We see multiple takes, up to #11. I see GIANT TEETH, and kind of an odd-shaped nose. Things are going badly and just when they’re getting ready to make her do the cue cards, she asks for one more take and does well.

Saleisha also stumbles. We see take 5, and 8, and 12 … she’s getting bug-eyed, and finally she says, “Can you give me a second?” She’s going to cry — and again, here is a girl who is taking tips from Tyra and implementing them in real time! (Including the “but don’t mess up yo’ eye makeup” part.) After her moment she, too, pulls it together.

So I wonder why she’s the first one to shoot the still photos with Jim DeYonker? What have Chantal and Jenah been hanging around and doing?

Panel. It’s time for the “who’s got the most potential?” game. Each girl picks herself (Chantal: “Hands-down. I love everything about this industry”) and Jenah gets two votes for worst, thanks to her personality. For her part, she says that although she’s not super bubbly, a laid-back girl can still be a Cover Girl.

Commercials: Saleisha was Tangerine Splash, which Tyra mimics with an odd Southern accent. Horny Nigel leans forward, all teeth, to cheer her on. Tyra rags on her for accuracy: “And it took you 20 takes to get the lines right” — in an overdubbed moment. Tyra can’t get her lines right either. She also criticizes Saleisha’s inability to give more than “only one smile,” then pops a smile and two facial expressions she considers a smile but are not. If there was a competition for America’s Next Top Know-It-All, Demonstrates-None, she would be it.

Chantal’s technique is bad but has a sincerity. “It’s a talent to have,” Nigel says. Not a characteristic, notice, but a “talent.” You can fake real sincerity, I guess.

Jenah — well, you know she’s doomed when they say they thought she was making fun of it. Her accidental slip with trying to bite off a nip of fruit? On purpose. Eventually she reaches her limit and says that she doesn’t think she needs to “spew rainbows incessantly for girls to want to be like me.” Well, I agree with the first half of that phrase, but the second half? Eh.

There is then a therapy/badgering session that makes her cry, which makes Tyra so happy she can hardly contain herself. “I’d rather see a girl crying in front of me,” she says, because it’s “more likeable and vulnerable.” AND makes her feel better about herself. As, apparently, does espousing about how Britney Spears should just kill herself. Oh, Tyra: I can’t wait until you start dropping such wisdom on your talk show.

Here’s the commercial they just shot — no, “really.” (I put that in quotes because it runs during an actual commercial break, but must be contractually obligated and will never be seen again.) Jenah gets the least time and Saleisha gets the most.

Deliberations: Twiggy says Saleisha looks “young, she looks delicious,” at which point Nigel punches her in the face and says, “If there’s one ANTM judge who will be horning in on her, it’s ME!” (Not really, but you know he’s thinking it.) Chantal’s the most amateur and Jenah is … “I think she’s more self-aware after this,” says Tyra. Don’t break your arm patting yourself on the back, there.

Chantal gets called first, and at that point Jenah knows she’s screwed; The eye-rolling begins as she’s walking up to meet her Final Two maker. Long story short: “I feel like I know who you are now,” Tyra tells Jenah .. and then cuts her loose. She also expresses amazement at “all these tears in the house. You guys are gonna make me cry.” Right. Like the Ty-Bot 750 model comes with tears.

The final two do their Seventeen magazine shoot. Chantal is still crying in her interviews. She needs waterproof mascara. You’d think Cover Girl would make something like that.

Now to the runway show. The girls are told it’s “taking the old” (Jaslene will open the show — coincidence?) “and ending with the new” (the girls). There will be 500 extras, which makes it sound like a Nigel Barker photo shoot.

Tyra shows up to wish them good luck (or hog more camera time) — her hair is pulled so tight I expect her eyebrows to be her new hairline.

Chantal is eerily prescient when she says that this runway show “is the last thing I’m gonna do as America’s Next Top Model.” See, I think she meant that it would be her decisive moment of victory, but … aw, never mind.

They’re in a very big arena and the extras come out in orderly fashion … where is the audience? Here come J Alexander and Twiggy, doing a runway gig. “Tyra Banks is now arriving!” they announce loudly. Oh, so this is how it’s going to be: Empress Tyra. She’s got a retinue of more than a dozen people and is sashaying like crazy even though she’s walking really slowly. Then she nods, emperor style — and all the extras sit. SEE? She imagines herself as royalty. I’m surprised ANTM wasn’t decided with a thumbs-up or thumbs-down.

The show starts and there are stilt walkers. Oh, this won’t be good. Saleisha gets short dresses, where Chantal’s stuck in a highly constructed first piece that requires tiny steps. That will count against her. Even more so: On the last pass, when

she finally gets a short skirt, one of the stilt walkers ends up on the (very long) train of her dress, and when she moves forward he slips. She does the “clutch pearls!” thing briefly but catches herself and continues on. When they all take the runway, she’s not smiling — in fact, she’s already crying. “This is what I’m supposed to do!” she says emphatically. They talk her up a bit and go to hug — and their giant chandelier earrings snag together and they’re caught face to face, which is kind of funny. Even they think it’s so.

Judging! J Alexander’s hair is ludicrous and we get a morph effect that’s about as classy and professional-looking as the before-and-afters during makeover week. Tyra is wearing an outfit that makes her look like Obi-Wan-Hundred-Sixty Kenobi.

We get photo recap and up to runway show. Tyra starts off: “When you ran into the stilts guy–” which would be Chantal’s cue to say: “I don’t remember any running-into; I do remember him stepping on my dress, though.” They discuss how ramrod-straight she stands and, sure enough, her itty-bitty steps in the first dress. Here’s an idea: Give her a dress that’s not cut so tight at the hem, geniuses.

Blah blah commercial girls. Twiggy and J Alexander go for Chantal, Nigel is of course president and founder of Tag Team Saleisha. For her own special turn-on, Tyra says: “I’m gonna crush the girl who’s not going to be America’s Next Top Model.”

These girls are so beautiful, but they’ve got beauty from the inside, we hear, not like some other girls who took stunning pictures but didn’t shine from inside. (JENAH.)

Chantal’s already looking at the screen while Tyra recites the prizes … but she will never see her photo there. For indeed, Saleisha is the winner. I am actually happy for her because she seems so thrilled, but as many a poster on Television Without Pity has commented, she looks like Tootie from “The Facts of Life” (I proffer up a young Janet Jackson on “Good Times”) and is about 2 feet tall, which makes her destined for the same “Top Model” slag heap as Nicole, CariDee and all the other winners who’ve gone on to … well, when’s the last time you heard anything from Dani(elle)?

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