Yay, man candy!

No, I’m not referring to the constant shots of Jack in his skivvies: This week’s challenge involves menswear … and I’m kind of surprised by how hard the designers find it. A few have eyes bigger than their skills and end up being chastised on the runway. The judges decide that no matter how often Carmen repeats the phrase “this does not represent me as a designer,” when you send bad unfinished clothing that you created down a runway, it really does represent you, and then send her home.

Fun little moment: In the apartments, the designers say how sad they were Marion got kicked off last episode. “Why couldn’t they have gotten rid of Christian?” Chris March asks. “No one would have cried.” Did I mention Christian is within hearing distance, in the kitchen? But everyone laughs, even Christian, because they know Chris is only joking. I think I want Chris as my sassy best friend. Just not my track partner.

And, also, he’s kind of right. Christian’s prattling on about how he makes clothing so much better than a lot of the other designers, blah blah blah … to which I say: Bottom two last week. (Ha-ha: I just said “bottom.” I won’t bring it up again like that all season.)

Heidi just shoots them right over to Tim at Rockefeller Plaza, where they walk in to meet Tiki Barber. My favorite thing of all is Christian’s expression, which is: “Who the hell?” Indeed, Ricky thinks, “None of us know who he really is.” You are giving my gays a bad name, people! Even I freaking knew it was Tiki Barber, and the last time I watched an actual football game for more than 10 minutes I was in high school, pretending I cared who was winning. He’s a broadcaster. He was valedictorian at his high school, played for the Giants – wait! How did I know that? Have all those lunches at Barro’s, where ESPN is always playing, been subconsciously educating me in sports?

Kevin, who is straight, knows who Tiki is. And then he asks the stupidest question: After Tiki explains that his wife (whipped!) and he know what he likes to wear – dark colors, patterns, texture, depth – and Tim Gunn asks if there are any questions, Kevin raises his hand and asks, “Do you like subtle details?” Uh, no. He hates subtle details. The man who has just explains that he likes patterns, textures and depth actually likes his details to be either nonexistent, or giant statements, at which point they are NO LONGER DETAILS.

Steven says that football is the one time that spandex is acceptable. Unfortunately, I’ve seen some guys at the bar who would beg to differ with him.

Back to the drawing boards. Jack carries Christian into the room … in a dog carrier? You know full well that Christian is all, “Jack, you’re so big and muscley. Can you carry me?” hoping he gets to bump against his quads. And Jack loves to be complimented on his muscleness, so he’s all for it.

Which is a good point to bring up my sister-in-law, Francesca, who sent me this link about how Jack posed for some “artistic” nude photos – this year, according to the copyright on the photos. And his face has been Photoshopped like CRAZY. (It also contained a link to a spoiler, so if you don’t want to know, don’t click here.)

Francesca also pointed out that Christian looks like this dog. (”Put some Dame Edna glasses on it, and …”)

Anyway, designers have 30 minutes to sketch, and $150 and a half-hour at the fabric store. Jack asks if they can use their own garments as reference … and later dismantles his shorts so he can get some more gratuitous barely-clothed screen time in to use them as a pattern. Carmen and Victorya copy the pattern, leading to grumbling among other designers – Rami. Kit says that “menswear has brought forth the claws” among some. Again, Rami.

On Day 2, some people are falling behind, while Chris March says he doesn’t know what the big deal is: “Pants are just two big sleeves sewn together.” Yeah, with a butt and a penis to deal with. I don’t think I want to see what his shirtsleeves normally look like.

And in come the models! They are pretty, and we see lots of abdominal muscles and cheekbones. Elisa turns around so her model can change – her boyfriend’s the only guy she’s ever fitted. Which reminds me of the spring menswear fashion shoot we did last year at the Valley Ho – there were all these hairstylists and makeup artists and me in a room, and I’d tell the models, “And here’s the bathroom where you can feel free to –” but they’d already have their pants off, and I was like, “Hey! Whoa! Not expecting that!” I spent a lot of that day looking at the ceiling. The hairdressers were in seventh heaven. (By day two, swimsuits, I was used to it, though.)

Ricky is already behind – so far behind he’s fitting the muslin, not fabric on the model. A normal person would consider this the first cue to scale back his design, but … well, that’s Ricky. Also, I want to take that Conjunction Junction hat of his and stomp it into the ground.

After the models leave, designers are ripping and re-sewing like crazy. With seven hours to go, Tim shows up with “this fabulous Asian woman,” as Christian puts it. He pants about how he loooves Asian women. Isn’t that stereotyping? Does he looove Victorya? Margaret Cho? Kristi Yamaguchi? (OK, probably those last two, yes, he would.)

This particular Asian woman is Ginny Barber, Tiki’s wife, who’s damn determined to get some screen time. (I found a lone reference to her as a fashion publicist, but mostly just as Tiki’s wife. It’s like the moms episode from last season!) She doesn’t give much criticism, mostly says things like, “I like the idea of putting him in a jacket and pants,” but she does tell Carmen her jacket looks like a Members Only design. Ooh, ouch.

As the day goes on, the designers are downscaling and dropping planned items like crazy. Kevin goes for a vest instead of a jacket; Jack is down to just pants and a shirt. An hour to go, and the two designers in the worst shape – Ricky and Carmen – are spending more energy sniping at each other than actually working on their clothing. Steven compares the mood to “what was it they had on the Titanic right before it sank? Oh, yeah – panic.”

Day 3: Ricky starts off saying, “If I can finish the pants and finish the shirt, I can attack the jacket.” By the time the model gets there, Ricky has him sewing buttons onto the shirt. Oh, stupid Ricky. How much longer must I put up with your inadequacies and tears? Carmen, meanwhile, can’t finish her shirt, either. And Sweet P’s is all jacked up. Is a man’s shirt seriously that much more difficult than a woman’s? I would think it’d be easier – no cleavage to design around, full placket … I’m not a professional designer … but they are, so I can’t imagine it should be this hard.

Even boys go to the L’Oreal Paris makeup room!

Ricky keeps talking about how he bit off more than he could chew. The important thing is you never tried to spit any of it out, so now you’re going to choke. Carmen is sewing her model into his pants and doesn’t have a shirt done. It’s really evident who’s going to be in the bottom two, even though they’re painting Sweet P as a dark horse candidate.

The online question: Which sports celeb would you like to dress: David Beckham, Tony Hawk, Derek Jeter or Maria Sharapova? Beckham! Beckham! Beckham! In fact, that’s how many times I voted in hopes of winning … some sort of prize. However, when I logged onto the “PR” website to do so, I was greeted with a big flash banner that told me who got the boot tonight. Nice!

Jillian pulls off a three-piece suit AND print shirt with a white spread collar. The pants are kind of baggy. Poor Carmen’s model is wearing a swath of light blue fabric to represent a shawl collar – or a shirt – and a short jacket with flared sleeves. The fly on his pants ends like halfway up his crotch. And he’s got a freaking Ricky hat on. Christian’s navy jacket has contrasting print trim on the pockets; the greige shirt has an asymmetrical collar and the pants are too long.

Kit’s done a navy fleece blazer and light-print shirt, although the collar keeps messing up, and khakis. It looks very “yuppie dad on weekends,” and it’s my favorite look so far. Rami reverses the color pattern: his tan jacket ends up looking like a windbreaker, though – is that a zip-up front? Sweet P’s outfit is a hot mess. Indeed, she calls it “the worst thing I’ve ever made. It looks like the shirt was made by a kindergartner.” The tie is huge, the collar is a mess, the sleeves aren’t right. …

Ooh, Steven’s outfit snuck in under the radar! He did a henley sweater-style V-neck top, a shirt with a spread collar, an ascot and charcoal pants. That’s my new favorite look although I cannot in good conscience condone tucking in that many layers. However, his is the only model wearing A BELT, which confuses me to no end. Is the Bluefly accessories wall that bereft of men’s items? Victorya’s design is an off-white jacket with a black placket that’s a little too International Male for my liking. It’s over a crew-neck top and everyone’s favorite pant, charcoal slacks. Kevin’s outfit is very dandy. I think of Jonathan Rhys Meyers in some movie. An orchid-colored shirt with high collar, print tie and pocket square, shortish vest and dark pants. The shirt is untucked, which, again – where are the belts here?

Chris March’s design looks like another zip-front jacket, kind of baggy at the top, all black. Any real detailing gets lost in the darkness. Jack completed a pinstripe trouser and striped shirt, and I don’t like how the stripes on the shirt and the ones on the pants almost match up to create a single vertical line from head to toe. You know what would have broken that up a bit? A FREAKING BELT. Jesus, people. The shirt pocket and placket have the same print going slightly diagonally, which is a nice touch.

Ricky’s suit is baggy, unfinished and still has pins sticking out of it. To his credit, the model tries to distract everyone – hey, look, my jacket is lined! – but these are professionals, dammit! Elisa’s outfit is pretty awesome – a sagey/mustardy lightweight sweater with a wider-than-usual neck (great for football-player-sized necks), a tobacco-colored vest with red lining, and a dark green?/brown?/gray? trouser.

The fast wrapup: Jack wins. Someone says his outfit “isn’t loud in any kind of way,” to which I have “WHAT?!” typed in my notes. Kit (a “cardigan attitude without looking like Grandpa,” Michael Kors says) and Kevin are the other “likes,” although Kevin’s outfit is “more David Beckham (yay!) than Tiki,” Heidi says.

Sweet P’s look is messy and “is just gone totally wrong.”. Tiki says “I would look like a fool on the set of the ‘Today’ show” wearing Ricky’s outfit – and even if it had been finished, it would still be boring. “This looks dull,” they say, and like a 5-year-old did it.

Carmen’s jacket is too short, the crotch in the pants “is insane,” and nothing’s done. “I want to see clothes, not could-have-been,” Michael Kors says.

By the way, my votes helped David Beckham win 63% of the vote. You can thank me later, Becks.

Things I hate: Jack saying, “That is so hot” when discussing his victory. Great. Emulate Paris freaking Hilton. And Ricky, CRYING AGAIN. Carmen gets the boot. Here are my last notes for the episode: “Ricky is (expletive) crying again. Ricky is STILL (expletive) crying. Meanwhile, Carmen is calm and controlled. I hate her crescent moon necklace, but not as much as Ricky crying.”

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