Finally, some other girl has a chance to win Cover Girl of the Week! For the moment I had feared might never happen … finally did.

It’s one thing to get a little mixed up trying to find your way in China. It’s another to get really mixed up even with a translator and a cab driver nearby … and another thing completely to manage to lose them, too. So even though this leaves me with none of my original picks remaining in the competition, I can’t argue when they finally realized Heather might not be cut out for this business.
Back to the beginning. Jenah is huffy that this is turning into “a personality competition,” mainly because she has such a lousy one. She says when it comes to modeling, “I’m killing it”; I am taking “it” to refer to “my brain” and “what’s left of Sam’s goodwill.”

On the opposite side of the spectrum, we have Saleisha, jumping up and down on the bed squealing “Oh my gosh!” over and over again. All of her tics and giggles are really annoying me. She’s sort of like an anime creature come to life. You think Pikachu is cute until the jibberish and flying breaks your stuff.

Tyra Mail comes and Bianca cannily points out that when there are five girls left, it’s go-see time. Nobody seems to register this until moments later. And then Saleisha is squealing in her high voice: “Go-sees! Go-sees!” Seriously, someone get me some duct tape. I’m not sure if I would cover her and Jenah’s mouths with it, or perhaps just bind their wrists together and let them fight it out until only one is left alive. (And you know with Jenah’s teeth that Saleisha would be a goner.)

Before they go out, though, modeling agent Susan Yang drills it into our heads that personalities are very important. She repeats this several times. Guess who’s not paying attention? Jenah, of course. Because she’s killing it. Also: Be back by 6 p.m. Very important. Who disregards it? (Wait, it’s more than you think.)

The first designer says Saleisha is “a very pretty girl … but just so dull.” Heh.

Chantal is wearing bright pink panties, a model no-no. Another designer says she’d book her for print work; “catwalk … not yet.”

Heather, meanwhile, is still lost. A half-hour has gone by and she hasn’t either found the place or called it quits and tried the next. “It’s all in Chinese,” she says. “But it’s all Greek to me.” Does she even know where her cab is? Eventually she finds designer Flora Zeta, who points out she needs to make eye contact.

Jenah is so succinct: “My outlook is just, like, whatever,” she says. When Zeta suggests some changes to her walk, Jenah blows them off (with another “whatever”). Zeta, a model of diplomacy, says Jenah has “a different kind of personality. She needs to work on that.”

Also … Dear Chinese designer:

does not equal .

Thank you.

Saleisha doesn’t tell Bianca that there’s a modeling agency right upstairs. Bianca finds out when she gets back in the cab. Chantal says that Saleisha is “kissing ass” – which is true – and then we see footage of Chantal doing the exact same thing. It’s a case of the pot calling the kettle blond. Or bland.

Heather has now even lost her cabbie. Bianca says that traffic in Shanghai is “New York times four.” Saleisha makes it back first, followed by Bianca.

And they’d be the only two to make it back on time. Jenah’s cab actually drives past Heather on the street, Jenah rolls down the window and asks what’s wrong, Heather says she’s lost her cab and translator, and Jenah’s all, “Sucks to be you” and rolls off. Would you have offered her a lift? I am on the fence about that one: It is a competition, after all. But that lost, with Asperger’s? Except for the camera crews, that’s like Natalee Holloway waiting to happen.

The girls get back – Heather’s 40 minutes late – and Susan tells them she’ll have the results later. Why didn’t she start right at 6 when the contest was over? Oh, yeah: Drama.

They go out to eat on a big patio, and … here comes Susan. She talked to the designers, and the winner will get her photo on an ad campaign for the 2008 Beijing Olympics! Whoa, that seems kind of big. And, uh, random, since there’s no modeling competition in the Olympics that I’m aware of. Ooh, if there were, I would totally ask for credentials right now.

Bianca wins, and it’s nice that everyone at least pretends to be thrilled for her. Jenah even hugs her.

The next day is their photo shoot, which is being done by Horny Nigel Barker. There will be Chinese lions and dragons and big gigantic backgrounds … which sounds like every other Nigel Barker shoot. It’s like he can’t actually take a good picture close-up without all the gimmicks or something. Chantal, master of the understatement, says that because Nigel is shooting it, “It’s like a million times more important than any other shot.” Which is of course a lie, since it’s really a million BILLION JILLION BAZILLION times more important.

(As always, click on each thumbnail to be taken to a full-size photo in a new window.)

Jenah says she’s not intimidated by Nigel – which she’s too eager to avow him of, a tactic that of course does not go over well. She says that the way he gives instructions is “breaking me out of my flow.” It’s kind of awesome how not-awesome she is.

Yay, wardrobe stylists Anda and Masha for no particular reason. They don’t even get dialogue, just idenfiers.

Heather’s doing badly at her shoot and Jenah is chattering away behind her. “Dude, I’m telling you, if I had that (effing) dress…” she would be rockin’ it of course, and Nigel finally tells her to shut her giant chompers.

Really, nobody has a good shoot but Saleisha, and that’s because Nigel’s saliva is coating the lens like Vaseline. Seriously, he’s kissing her hand and wooing her. Creepy. And she loves it.

Tyra’s photo has her in Saleisha’s haircut and no distracting background.

The remaining four girls get another trip! To Beijing, the fashion capital of China! Then why did they stop in Shanghai?

Chantal gets a “kick-ass shot,” Tyra says. Bianca’s is good … “from the neck down,” Twiggy says. Ouch. The designers said Jenah had a good walk but could work on being a little more personable. And she’s a little messy-looking. Ha. They chastise her about coming off arrogant.

“I had a lot of fun with you, Saleisha,” Nigel hornies all over the place. When the postshoot footage shows up with his hand up her kimono, I’m not gonna be surprised in the least. Also, they’re still going on about how “edgy” her haircut is. Edgy edgy edgy. Lies lies lies.

Heather’s photo is “brilliant,” Twiggy says through a rictus-style fake grin.

Deliberations, now the names. First is, no surprise, Saleisha. I’m surprised Nigel didn’t make her fish the photo out from inside his pants. Then Bianca and Chantal. Tyra tells her “praise is a good thing … but celebrate on the inside.” I will be celebrating on the outside when I no longer have to listen to her stupid advice.

Jenah and Heather “take the strongest pictures” but Heather can’t even find her way to a go-see and Jenah is, well, Jenah. One of these could be fixed with a $200 GPS system – they even sell them at Linens n Things now, really! – but unfortunately that won’t be an option for Heather because she must immediately return home, pack her bags … you know.

So, from here on out it’s official: Team Bianca!

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