Back at the house, there’s lots of jumping up and down and screaming about the trip to China. The girls begin to pack, but Lisa’s appearance in the bottom two has her all so depressed and distracted, she can’t even effectively put garments into a suitcase. She interviews: “I’ve been strong for so long … but the harder I try, the harder I fall.” If she doesn’t make it as a model – spoiler alert: she doesn’t – she’s got the potential to be America’s Next Top Lyricist for Diane Warren.

Meanwhile, Heather’s beginning to drive Bianca crazy – well, crazier. When she asks Heather to scoot so she can drag her suitcase through, Heather makes no movement. And you know full well with Bianca’s mouth, Heather heard what she was saying.

“Dammit, send her ass home!” Bianca interviews. Then she thinks better about it: “No, just kidding.” Then she thinks better about that: “It would make life easier, though.” I do like that Bianca doesn’t censor herself during interviews.

Fake Top Model jet! A show that uses such cutting-edge technology as the … Makeover Morph Screen should be able to … aw, never mind.

There is lots of squealing in the airport and the bus as the girls wend their way through Shanghai, which admittedly does look pretty awesome. (It makes me regret that I never sacked up and saved enough money to visit my friend Kathy, who lived there for years before moving to Beijing.) Chantal says she feels like she’s part of “The Jetsons.” Heather, meanwhile, says it’s not like any other city she’s been to … “except maybe Las Vegas.”

In the penthouse of the Le Meridien hotel, there are only five beds. Why would the producers do that? Oh, yeah: Drama.

Surely enough, Heather is the last one to realize she’s out a bed, and although Saleisha’s bed is clearly a double, she refuses to share. “If you’re not a male, I’m not going to share a bed with you,” she interviews. (Note to self: Saleisha will sleep with any guy.) And she is being pretty bratty about it, too, announcing, “I don’t think I’m being spoiled.”

Heather stomps off, all Asberger’s and anger. Apparently they have a really, really big apartment because she’s harumphing for such a long time I thought for sure she would havehit the lobby, but I guess she only made it as far as the dining room. And the other girls are all, “What’s wrong, Heather? Why are you crying?” like they can’t understand why she’d be upset. (Bianca, meanwhile, thanks Saleisha for “making my day,” because – YES, we GET IT, Bianca – she thinks Heather is a baby.)

Heather interviews: “I’m not going to let this bring me down,” but her quavering voice belies her tough words.

Who ever thought Chantal would be the voice of reason? Well, if you keep eliminating the smart girls week after week, this is what you’re left with. However, Chantal of Sunnybrook Farm reminds everyone they’re living in a penthouse “IN CHINA” – just in case you forgot when they mentioned it in every other sentence – and could two people who wouldn’t mind sharing a big bed please swap Saleisha?

Before the Tyra Mail can be read, Saleisha jumps up and down and yells, “We’re IN CHINA!” Man, that would get annoying. I wonder if she did the whole time she was at Camp T-Zone: I’m in THE SHOWERS! We are in line in THE MESS HALL! I am in bed WITH A MALE!

They’re off to a movie studio – “shut the door, Heather!” – where a “tour guide” turns out to be a martial arts guy. His name, Louis Liu, immediately makes me start reciting the beginning lyrics of “Independent Women,” the Destiny’s Child song used for the “Charlie’s Angels movie.” You know: “Lucy Liu / and my girl Drew / Cam’ron D and Des-ti-ny / Charlie’s Angels, c’mon.”

When I get through that, he’s asking rhetorically, “how does martial arts relate to modeling?” (My profferred answer: “It doesn’t.”) But Louis has an answer endorsed by Tyra: It helps you be aware of your body. Yes, just like sliding down a wall playing a video hoochie does!

Heather’s very excited to learn martial arts, perhaps because she fantasizes about beating up the other girls ninja-style. (Not Benny Ninja-style, which would involve fierce vogueing until they all drop and only one girl is left standing.) And also because, she says as she wrenches up her face in what is becoming an incredibly irksome, and frequent, gesture: “My mom didn’t let me.” OK, let it go, Carrie White.

Bianca, meanwhile, is less than pleased: “I wanna stay positive,” she says, “but I’m Bianca. I’m gonna get sour.” That, ladies and gentlemen is self-awarenesss in a nutshell.

Oh, but there’s a twist! For the challenge, the girls will be hoisted up on wires, “Crouching Model Hidden Talent” style and strike their poses way up in the air, two at a time. Bianca professes a huge fear of heights – why has this never come up before, say on the climbing wall or the rooftop shoots? (I’m not saying it’s not genuine; it’s just odd we haven’t heard about it before.)

In the battle of the bottled blonde weaves, it’s Jenah vs Chantal. Then Saleisha vs. Lisa. When it comes time to the title bout, Heather vs. Bianca, Bianca says, “This might be the only time you can kick my ass” and points out that total strangers are hoisting ropes to wires that are smaller than jump ropes – what a point of reference! When it comes to wire thickness, there’s like spiderwebs, and then jump ropes – “and I don’t even trust some family members.” (Although I don’t know if I’d trust my sisters, either. I’m just saying.)

Bianca gets hoisted up once but says enough – “I wanna model, I don’t want to fly in the air.” Heather does all sorts of fierce posing alone – wait, isn’t she A FIRE SIGN? Why is she excelling in the air? – and wins the challenge, which is the extravagant 4,000 prize of 4,000 RMB (equivalent of $568, which in China will buy you … stuff, I guess). She picks Chantal to share in her bounty instead of Bianca as a form “of tough love.” Yes, Grasshopper Bianca will totally learn a lesson from you, Sensei Heather.

Next Tyra mail has to do with inner queens and inner beauty, which anyone who watches this program knows means a makeup shoot with the Queen Collection. Not so much these girls. (Again, you might have kept Victoria on a little longer, if only to perform the duties of a Greek chorus.) Oh, and by the way, they have to bring their own outfits: THAT’S high fashion right there. Neiman Marcus will let even me, at the East Valley Tribune, borrow $10K worth of clothing for a photo shoot. I’m just saying. Or maybe wardrobe stylists Anda and Masha are cooling their heels in customs right now while the authorities examine 90 pounds of weaves and fake lashes.

Also, I believe this Queen Collection shoot will be awesome because if I have my way, one of the whitest, blondest girls in the competition will win – either Jenah or Chantal – and they’ll be forced to pretend like the cosmetics weren’t created for women of color. Like Heather winning the Carol’s Daughter challenge, and Mary J. Blige could only say, “Let’s give her a tan!”

Saleisha’s takes seem to go well, but I notice when they pull back, the sinews in her neck are really tight when she talks, like she’s lifting heavy weights or something. Also, I’ve decided I would like studio lights like that around me at all times, just to give that incredibly flattering effect. Sure, people would have to peer through them to talk to me, and sure, they’re not incredibly energy-efficient, but neither is China, so there you go.

Bianca’s got some BRIGHT plum lipstick on. It’s all I notice, especially because she’s got such a big mouth. When it comes time for the “what makes you a queen?” ad lib, she says something about how she has flaws, but she thinks they make her beautiful, and it’s pretty great.

Heather thinks she should be the Cover Girl because she’s “not your typical girly girl.” Yes, that is the perfect rationale to making you sell makeup to millions of girls aspiring to be your typical girly girl. Also, they want to find “the queen that’s inside Heather.” I think there’s a queen sitting about five feet away from her, JAY MANUEL. She recites everything superdramatically, but keeps messing up and eventually she has to repeat Jay’s words, line by line. And she can’t even succeed at that. “If I had more takes, more time with the script,” she begins to interview, and then catches herself: “If only, if only …”

Jenah looks really … mouthy. Like, all I notice is this unflattering angle they’ve positioned her at, and her giant teeth. Is she wearing any lip color at all? She’s like the anti-Bianca in that respect.

Chantal photographs well and does good in a cutesy way.

And now it’s time for Lisa. She looks scared from the get-go, and her forced smiles look like snarls. She starts crying, tears are welling up…. “Lisa was focused on failing,” Jay Manuel says. How come she didn’t get fed it line by line, like Heather did? She does turn around a nail an awesome still shot, though.

(As always, click on each thumbnail to be taken to a full-size photo in a new window.)

Back at the hotel, it’s time for the Tyra Mail: Six of you remain … the girls recite the rest of it by heart without looking at the card. WAIT A MINUTE! How come Lisa and Heather can rattle off those lines after 9 weeks, but can’t do a commercial after 9 takes?

Also, the penthouseis already a mess. They’ve been there for like a day and it looks like Bedroom Typhoon has already hit.

Judging! Lisa goes first, and she seems to have managed to at least spit out her lines once. Tyra says that if she feels like crying, she neets to just get it out. “Let it out!” Tyra says, because otherwise it will just sit back there and ruin the rest of the shoot. “(But don’t mess up your eye makeup.)”

Chantal is next, and as soon as I type “wrinkles her nose,” Nigel Barker talks about how he likes it. He is turning into a lech. I can’t wait to see what he says about Saleisha this week …

Bianca explains that she didn’t do the challenge because she doesn’t trust strangers. “You’re in the wrong business,” J. Alexander replies.

I think Nigel hates Jenah now. He’s challenging her: What did you like about your performance? Then he says something about how he’s not going to ask her again whether she gets it. I think that Nigel hasn’t been getting it from Jenah, and that’s why he’s cranky. Her photo is a crazy shake-your-head kind of thing where you don’t see her face. I like the shot, but not the part of her face I can see.

Saleisha needs to remember to keep her eyes open when she smiles in shoots – she, like Chantal, turns squinty. (I, meanwhile, shut my eyes completely because my blink reflex to the flash is so damn fast. I’m sure constant exposure to studio lighting would help that, too.) Tyra says she has bags under her eyes … and then the most awesome thing happens.

Tyra says, “I myself have a big bottom lid” – but wait, I’m not even going for the easy “big bottom” crack, it gets better! A photo of Tyra pops up as she explains how she uses a “light brown shadow to make it recede,” and then this new picture pops up that has been Photoshopped to within an inch of its life. It’s like they improved/improved/improved until the photo was totally unrecognizable as the original, and then they did one solitary “undo” step. I mean, her eyes are now a creepy synthetic blue, and she’s like 15 pounds lighter. Maybe I need studio light AND a light brown shadow!

Anyway, horny Nigel loves how Saleisha is touching herself and flirting with “the judges.” Read: “Nigel,” since I don’t think Tyra, or Twiggy, or especially J Alexander, really care to watch Saleisha finger herself while she talks and giggles.

They tell Heather she’s got to focus – great advice for a girl with ADHD (another affliction we hadn’t heard of before now, right?) However, she pulls off a great smiling (!) shot. On closer examination, though, she seems to have smiled the mole right off her chin. Maybe she applied some light brown shadow to her lower lids.

There are deliberations, then the girls are corralled back in to be chastised by La Tyra for doing a collectively lousy job. Chantal gets called first but Tyra manages to berate her during her congratulations speech. Then everyone else gets called but Heather and Lisa.

Lisa gets the “you walked into this competition with so much personality” speech, while Heather gets … I don’t know what, really, because it doesn’t matter. Lisa’s going home.

They never did announce who would appear in the commercial, did they? Or was this just a trial run and when it became apparent that Chantal did the best, they realized they could never air it?

Up next: Go-sees week! I wonder who makes the horrendous mistake of disregarding the “get back on time” rule? There’s one every cycle …

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