This season "Beauty and the Geek" throws in a twist — one of the geeks is a "girl," and one of the "beauties" is a guy. While musicologist and Tufts student Nicole, above, displays all the signs of classic TV geekdom — top borrow from "Not Another Teen Movie," she’s got GLASSES, for god’s sake, and PIGTAILS! — I think that the show producers are stretching the definition of male "beauty" a bit. It’s too bad he shares my name … Check after the jump for a preview.Oh, Sam! He’s even propping his biceps up with his hand. In a reverse-scrolldown effect, he’s actually passable … from the neck down. Plus, in "BatG" tradition, he’ll be dumb as a box of hair. Very badly but intensively groomed hair.

Continuing with the trend of this post, let’s examine some of the new Simply Vera line, which debuted at Kohl’s stores this month.Probably the only shoe I would even give an "eh" to would be the "Truffle" satin d’Orsay pump ($69.99) at left, which only comes in black, by the way. And even then, I’d want to see a little more clearly what the embellishment is before I’d give it the "eh."Those "Sorbet" slides ($59.99) are *egregious,* though. The purple velvet one, especially, reminds me of something Blanche Deveraux would wear swanning about the lanai on "The Golden Girls," planning her attack on her next gentleman caller.And now for the reminder section of the post:(1) Leave your comments below — is this shoe even remotely hot? Everyone who posts by Tuesday, Sept. 25, is eligible to win three items from the new Yes to Carrots line, which is available at Walgreens. (I particularly like the body wash and body butter, which I wrote about here.) And come back every Thursday to leave your opinion on a new shoe victim!(2) You’ve got one more day to leave your post about last week’s Shoe Hot or Not conundrum: Which shoe does Michael buy? We — and by "we" I mean "you" — decide tomorrow, so if you think the tide is turning in a wrong direction, encourage others to vote with you. (Hopefully I will be able to find my digital camera and can post a photo of him wearing the winning pair.)

The first episode of each cycle of "America’s Next Top Model" is strictly optional viewing: Profiles of the 13 finalists have been posted on the CW web for more than a month. So why do we subject ourselves to that extra hour? This time it’s to learn that La Tyra claims her mission isn’t to crank out models — because, really, look at her track record of winners — it’s "to expand what America considers beautiful."Unless beautiful might be … wait for it … a little too thin to be a plus-size model, but too big to be a true fashion model. Then Tyra will be happy to point that out. Thanks for helping us broaden our minds!Anyway, for reasons that will soon become obvious, the girls end up on a big cruise ship. (And by "reasons that will soon become obvious," I mean "commercials for said cruise line that will air repeatedly during this hour — and possibly all season long, considering how much plug they get in this single episode.") The girls are introduced to J Alexander and do an impromptu runway show on the boat’s jogging track to an audience of what appears to be the populace of Boca Raton, Florida, who are doubtlessly enthralled to see 33 women trotting around trying to work a life vest. Chantal says: "I’m not worried. I think I have something that none of the other girls have." Yes, but chlamydia is not necessarily going to help you win, my Texan friend! We are also introduced to a contestant who at first I think is being referred to as Miss Spontaneous. How delightful!, I think. She should be a natural at the impromptu fashion show, with that nickname and all. Maybe she bursts out into song in inappropriate moments, too, like in musicals, or is prone to giving her friends gifts for no reason. Uh, no. Her name is Spontaniouse, which I think might be the awesomest name ever and, simultaneously, Exhibit A in why America might want to follow in Sweden’s footsteps in creating an agency to ensure parents show at least a modicum of restraint when naming their children.We also meet Heather, who has horrible posture from sitting at a desk all day (and, we’ll find out shortly, Asperger’s syndrome). J Alexander mocks Heather’s walk: "You look like you should be digging up clams and oysters," he says, which makes her cry a little.We also meet this season’s beeyotch. Beeyotch, thy name is Ebony. "I call her ‘hunchback,’ " she says of Heather, "and I don’t think she’ll go far on ‘America’s Next Top Model.’ " We’ll see who lasts longer, I guess …Later, Ebony’s idea of a fun game is to "see who has an eating disorder." This game comes to a quick end when Marvita (a) says that is not appropriate, and (b) asks Ebony when her last meal was, because she looks anorexic. There is weave in the air, girls! Ebony says, "First of all, that was a joke, sweetie," which contains two! Two! TWO! incredibly annoying things. "First of all" implies there’s going to be a "and secondly" (or, worse, "and second of all"), which means you know this girl ain’t gonna shut up any time soon. And "sweetie" is so condescending and faux-familiar that it merits a special place in hell for the people who use it that way.Victoria, the "nerd from Yale," gets seasick, which leads fellow competitor Sabrina to declare, "That’s my time to shine." During the mopping? What kind of competition does Sabrina think is going to crop up at dinnertime?During panel interviews, Talk Show Tyra rears her giant head, encouraging the girls to share the secrets she conveniently already has on pieces of paper in front of her. "Why don’t you talk about that?" she says, to which Marvita has to announce to the Jays that she was molested and raped by caregivers. Lisa was in foster care for years and has "seen every kind of hurt," and is also an exotic dancer (although she remains clothed, thus sparing her from the shame cast upon Cyndal, the "entertainer" at Jezebel’s). She later gives Saleisha a lap dance, to which Spontaniouse says, "I was, like (unintelligible), (unintelligible), (unintelligible), uh-uh! That is so nasty!" and draws out the last word like this: "NAAAAYY-ISS-ty."Jenah says the other girls are terrified of her. Her reasoning includes the fact she hangs out with guys and plays beer pong.There is also a montage of the cruel things the judges make the girls do, including singing and dancing (and judge not lest ye be judged, "Shake Ya Body" maker!). Tyra asks one girl to do some "interpretive walking," which apparently means walking like a "high-fashion robot," a "high-fashion centipede" and "a butterfly." Then they laugh at her inability to do so according to their strict standards of High Fashion Robot Walking. Chumps. We will not see Sylvia next week. The "My Life as a Cover Girl" ad has dropped the "as a Cover Girl" part. Poor Jaslene. But more on her later.Let’s not focus on that. Back to interviews. Ebony sashays in with the fakest friendly voice and wide-eyed "sincerity": "Tyra, you might as well stop looking, because America’s Next Top Model is here in front of you!" Tyra says the other girls have said they don’t like her, to which Ebony replies it’s because she’s fierce, which — really? Do people still use that word? Of course there’s a sob story behind it: crack addict mom, angel (and now deceased grandmother). … Ebony cries and Tyra, finally sated by breaking down another human being on television under the guise of empathy, sets the terrified animal back into the wild.Or at least the next room, where she tells Sabrina how even though she doesn’t care that the other girls don’t like her, when she heard it, she "felt bad." Which I interpret to mean, "feel bad because it makes her think it blows her chances," not "feel bad because it would be disheartening to realize that 32 other girls girls despise you after a single day on a boat." Sabrina replies with this week’s motto: "When pretty girls have stanky attitudes like that, it irks me." Truer words have never been said. By the way, Sabrina doesn’t make it.Up next: Photo shoot at the beach, where — what? Is that *Jaslene*? Lots of screaming. Her life has been so busy, what with the … cover of Latina magazine and the … (cricket noises) … hey, didn’t I read in Us magazine that Jeremy Piven was hitting on her?Now for the embarrassing irony edit: Boston bartender Jennifer vows, "I’m not going anywhere. One of those spots is mine." After commercials, she’ll be cut.But first, Tyra lets them make one impassioned plea. They’re boring.During final deliberations, J Alexander says of Marvita: "I don’t see high fashion, I see ready-to-wear." Has he noticed where all of the past winners have ended up, modeling in some alternate universe? He’s aiming a little high, discounting someone because he doesn’t see her as high-fashion. The winner would probably be thrilled to be seen, ever again, anywhere. Are any of the Brady boys left for marrying?And they say of Ebony, in a not-at-all-rehearsed moment, she needs a: (Tyra) "high" (one J) "fashion" (other J) "ass" (not quite in unison) "whuppin." With no Marvita — but I’m ahead of myself — who will provide it? At the finals, Tyra says: "Twelve girls are over here. And there’s one more girl. One more girl that will join these 12 girls…" It’s so girl-y! "And that girl is" … Lisa, of course, because she’s crying the hardest.And then at the very end, Tyra tells the finalists that they were chosen because they’re role models. Someone might want to clue Ebony in on that before next week, because teasing people with Asperger’s really doesn’t seem very upstanding.Oh, and Tyra pretended to get waxed on camera. It waren’t pretty.

If we watch, will Tyra stop looking at us like that?

The CW network and Collins College in Tempe will host a free eight-screen premiere party of "America’s Next Top Model" 6 to 8 p.m. tonight at the new 14th Street Studio, home of the college’s film and video department.

The hour before the show is filled with free food from P.F. Chang’s, nonalcoholic margaritas, a performance by the ASU dance team and a fashion show featuring local line Sir Alistair Rai.

The studio is at 1425 14th St., Tempe. Information: (480) 966-3000 or the Collins College web site.

Vera Wang made her name with wedding gowns but has gone on to lend her name to fragrance, jewelry, eyewear … even mattresses. This month the fashion designer Kohl’s debuts a licensed line of clothing, accessories, even linens. I’ll be interested to see how well it’s received.Just today, one of our page designers was bemoaning how she’d "turned into a Kohl’s shopper" — the wife and mother who browses and ends up buying toys for her kids and a T-shirt for her husband. "I’m going to be wearing mom jeans soon," she said resignedly. And here’s the strength of Kohl’s: You can find toys for your kids, and a T-shirt for your husband ("on sale for $2.97!"), and other things all in one place. But here’s the thing: Everything my friend rattled off today, she bought because it was a bargain or on sale. (And like a classic mom, she didn’t grab anything for herself, either.)What I wonder: Is the Kohl’s customer going to buy a Simply Vera $98 jacquard bubble skirt, like the one above, even if it comes in sizes up to 16?* Will they stock up on $34 long-sleeve crewnecks? Will a Kohl’s shopper splurge on $19.99 bath towels or $70 pillowcases? It’s the old point-of-purchase conundrum: Why does a $20 face cream seem like a bargain at Neiman Marcus but an extravagance at Walgreens? (For the record, Vera Wang is not selling face cream, at least at Kohl’s.) Conversely, will a Vera Wang line bring shoppers into Kohl’s who’ve never been there before?So I imagine the best-sellers, as such, will be lower-price basics like $50 jeans and $30 modal-fabric tops and pants._____* (Another thing to wonder: Is it wise for a size 16 woman to wear a bubble skirt that will make her look even larger?)

I’m torn about Clinton Kelly from "What Not to Wear" — do I have a crush on *him,* or just on his wardrobe of shoes and pants?Ahem. Anyway.Kelly, who also wrote the style guide "Dress Your Best," will lead a free interactive seminar on how to motivate men to make changes to their appearance and grooming 11 a.m. Tuesday, Sept. 25, at The Village at DC Ranch Health Club & Spa, 18501 N. Thompson Peak Parkway, Scottsdale. Register at www.motivateyourman.com.

Diva
The Shops at Gainey Village
8877 N. Scottsdale Road, Scottsdale
Hours: 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Monday through Saturday, 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. Sunday
Information: (480) 948-8777

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In the East Valley’s desert climate, it’s always a good idea to slather up. Moisturizers and lotions keep skin hydrated and in good shape from head to toe. Three new(ish) ones are after the jump. GET MORE (GOOD) BODY: The Yes to Carrots line incorporates the vegetable’s antioxidant beta carotene into everything from shampoo to eye cream. (Other ingredients include Dead Sea mud and minerals.) C Through the Dry Spell Body Butter ($12.99) nourishes dry skin with shea and cocoa butters, plus almond, olive, avocado and jojoba oils. The line is exclusive to Walgreens stores.PUT YOUR BEST FEET FORWARD: Ever put on foot lotion and then sat, stranded, because your feet were too slippery to walk or too greasy to slip under the covers? Targeted Therapy Foot Cream by Curel ($4.99) absorbs quickly and penetrates deeply with shea butter, coconut milk, urea and vitamin E to reduce dryness and soften. It’s available at discount and drugstores.KEEP THINGS WELL IN HAND: Speaking of nongreasy formulas, Industrial Strength Hand Healer ($14.99) by men’s line Jack Black uses glycerin and allantoin to hydrate, plus vitamins A and E to soften. Eucalyptus oil provides a scent with a kick. The line is available at Men’s Ultimate Grooming at Superstition Springs Center in Mesa, and at Sephora and Nordstrom stores in Chandler and Scottsdale.

Former orthopedic surgeon Taryn Rose used to make her 14-hour hospital rounds in 3-inch heels. The resulting foot pain — and seeing so many patients whose shoes had damaged their feet — helped her decide to create a line of shoes that were comfortable and beautiful.Rose created her first line in 1998, and opened a boutique in Beverly Hills, Calif., a year later. She’s since added stores in San Jose, Calif., Las Vegas and New York City, and her latest additions include the eco-friendly Verde line, which includes the Saffron shoe seen above, and a less expensive line, Taryn by Taryn Rose, that is carried at department stores like Dillard’s. (Her higher-end retail line is sold at stores including Neiman Marcus.)To promote her new second line, Rose will visit Dillard’s at Scottsdale Fashion Square 1 to 4 p.m. Saturday, Sept. 15. Information: (480) 949-5869.

Corbin Chamberlin, a fashion merchandising student at the East Valley Institute of Technology, was one of 150 teen designers selected to attend Teen Vogue magazine’s Fashion University.The Mesquite High School senior will attend classes with designers Vera Wang and Tommy Hilfiger and Tim Gunn of "Project Runway" Oct. 26-28 in New York City.After he graduates, Chamberlin plans to apply for a summer internship at Vogue and hopes to attends Parsons School of Design (where Gunn used to teach before he became an executive at Liz Claiborne).