It’s a long way from the Caribbean to the California Market Center, but apparently we don’t need to know how 13 girls made it there. We get a lot of interviewing: Lisa pulls out the "I’ve seen every kind of hurt" again — I’m sorry; you’ve reached your limit for the season! — while Janet and Heather say their main priority is learning about fashion. Not winning. In Janet’s case, that might be good; she’s kinda stumpy.Victoria has a seriously wonky eye. Like, when she interviews, she looks crazy-cross-eyed. Which is almost enough to distract from the giant obnoxious limousine sitting outside. Almost. Except this one is emblazoned with decals proclaiming its environmental friendliness: "Green is the new black!" First the preaching about unconventional beauty, now greenhouse gases. Is this going to be a season cycle composed entirely of Very Special Episodes?Sadly, MILA will never know.The Smugmobile makes its way to the gigantic house, complete with environmentally unfriendly swimming pool and hot tub. Inside, an illuminated runway and projection screen that broadcasts video of them walking on the illuminated runway. There are also the requisite photos of Tyra everywhere.Despite the suggestion there will be skinny-dipping, nobody takes the plunge naked. Lisa even loses her balance and slips into the swimming pool … fully clothed. Meanwhile, Uncomfortable Heather is sitting inside alone, writing things in a notebook. Or coloring. Either way, her lack of totally omigod skills discomfit the other girls.The next morning, Jay Manuel tells the girls their first photo shoot will "create awareness" about the "horrible impacts of smoking." It really WILL be a Very Special Cycle of "America’s Next Top Model"! I am looking forward to future photoshoots about waterboarding, Alaskan drilling and reducing one’s carbon footprint.Jay is nattering on about how "controversial" it is to take a stand against smoking. Yes, imagine how enraged people will be to find out! It’s almost as controversial as being in favor of happiness, families and puppies.Also, while Jay is talking, talking, TALKING, we see scenes of Uncomfortable Heather muttering to herself. I wonder if she’s saying "shut up shut up shut UP!" under her breath like I am.For the photo shoot, the girls are photographed once, smoking glamorously, and in a mirror reflection embodying the ramifications of smoking: lung cancer, hair loss from chemotherapy (which makes Mila laugh, laugh!), tracheotomy, aging, stillborn children, gingivitis, collapsed lung. Janet is a burn victim, apparently from all those women who fall asleep smoking their cigarettes and light their beds on fire? I expect an equal-time photo shoot about the dangers of scented candles, too. (Click on each girl’s thumbnail to be taken to a new window of the whole picture, larger.)

While sitting in their makeup chairs, Bianca and Lisa begin an increasingly-ghetto series of call-and-response bitchery. Lisa: "Watch out for her, she’s a diva." Bianca: "I’m gonna throw a cell phone." Lisa: "Watch out where you throw it." Bianca: "I’m gone throw it at your ass." Lisa: "It’ll come back at yo’ forehead." It continues after the photo shoot, reaching levels of "Ain’t nobody claim you a winner, honey." Bianca pulls the "America’s Next Top Model will not be a stripper." Lisa goes ape on her, dropping F-bombs left and right.Yaley the Horse says the yelling gives her a headache. For his part, Jay Manuel shows up after the whole shouting match is over — afraid of getting your makeup smeared? — and tells them to pull themselves together. Indeed, it’s the shortest-lived feud ever, because they’re fake-apologizing to each other in the hot tub. Bianca says she doesn’t mean it — surprise! — but she doesn’t want it to come up at panel.Meanwhile, Uncomfortable Heather is being a loner. "She lacks social skills,"Chantal says, and Mila, trying to figure out this thing you call Asperger’s syndrome, asks Heather, "Do you see the world differently than me?""Yes," Heather replies. "This condition makes me hallucinate that I’m trapped in a house with 12 reality show contestants." OK, no she doesn’t, but you can tell she’s thinking about it. But at least Mila’s not talking smack about her, like … everyone else in the house. Someone says, "It’s like she’s on a three-second delay." I decide I like Ambreal a little bit less because she’s hanging with Bianca, who’s out-and-out laughing about Heather’s kind of spacey behavior. Hey, you know what? Nobody’s gathering on patios to mock your lousy-ass $25 two-tone weave — OK, so Tyra and the Jays did it, last week when they were deciding who to pick, but at least you didn’t have to hear it.Discuss among yourselves: What on earth could Jaslene have been nominated for at the Teen Choice Awards?There’s a style challenge. It involves finding basic items at Old Navy — jeans, T-shirts — which is, let’s face it, shooting fish in a barrel. At the store they are tempted by the overaccessorizing ways of Benny Ninja, who has layered an entire Old Navy store onto his wee posing-instructor frame. Do you remember him from his "crazy maze of lasers" episode? Sadly, there is no crazy maze of lasers at Old Navy. Not even a crazy maze of blazers.Back at the house, Kimberly joins the bitch bandwagon. "People like that, they cling," she says of Heather and why she won’t be nice to her. Don’t they make some sort of dryer sheet for that? Yeah, and then people like that are grateful, and friendly, and nice. (And kicking your ass in the competition.) Up next: A Very Special Episode on mean girls.Unfortunately, Heather catches on that the other girls are talking smack about her — I mean, come on, she’s got Asperger’s, she’s not deaf and blind. Which means she gets the first televised phone call home of the cycle. "I don’t feel like I can trust (the girls)," she tells her mom, which means: Heather is a hell of a lot smarter than the other girls give her credit for.At panel, Tyra is working some bangs that threaten to tangle in her long false eyelashes. Meanwhile, J. Alexander is working a tight afro.Panel nuggets of wisdom: Chantal has to watch her "bedroom eyes." They love how Ambreal "looks a mess." There’s a sauciness about Lisa that Twiggy likes. I like how Twiggy says "sauciness." It makes me think she’s going to hit on Lisa, actually. Then they compare her to a model she looks nothing like, the blue-eyed, milky-skinned Shalom Harlow, pictured left.I forget who gets the first "the camera loves you." (God, Twiggy, keep it in your pants!) Bianca needs to learn how not to "hoochify herself." Someone else knows how to "look damaged and destroyed," but Mila looks like she just "farted and lifted up her seat."Saleisha is the winner of the Old Navy challenge and wins, conveniently, a $1,000 shopping spree at Old Navy. At $14.50 a T-shirt, she’s set for life. Plus she’ll be in an ad. Notice how they put that in AFTER the shopping spree.It’s time for Tyra to get on the no-smoking soapbox. It was a "very controversial" photo shoot — yeah, yeah. And she declares this a no-smoking cycle: It will be banned as of tomorrow. No consequences are discussed.And, like Dawn French and Jennifer Saunders emphasized in their video, only 12 girls will be in the running TOWARDS becoming "America’s Next Top Model."Heather gets called first. Now, I know she has Asperger’s and therefore can be given a bit of a slide on interpersonal interaction, but her photos this week were pretty sad. She’s got a profile shot where she’s pretty much hiding behind a beaded curtain, and she’s posed horribly in the second. Any other girl would have been yelled at for not making fierce eye contact, or connecting, or knowing where the camera was, blah blah blah, but the judges love her. She can do no wrong. She could totally pull off the fart and still Tyra would say, "I love! her! look!" Is this affirmative action for models? The final two: Ebony and Mila. Ebony is already crying, while Mila looks vacant and vaguely expectant, like a puppy who’s expecting to get a treat. Both girls are told that "Pretty doesn’t make a model." At this point I’m not even giving Ebony "pretty," as there is snot running out of her nose. Nonetheless, she will continue on in hopes of becoming … you know.Meanwhile, Tyra is doing her damndest to make Mila cry somehow. "It’s not easy being the first one called," she fake-sympathizes. Mila does not fall victim, and somehow manages to escape before Tyra begins pinching her or jamming her stiletto into Mila’s foot in an effort to get a tear.Next week: Bianca moves on to Saleisha. Maybe makeovers can include a new attitude to replace that stank one she’s working now. Because that just irks me.

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