The first episode of each cycle of "America’s Next Top Model" is strictly optional viewing: Profiles of the 13 finalists have been posted on the CW web for more than a month. So why do we subject ourselves to that extra hour? This time it’s to learn that La Tyra claims her mission isn’t to crank out models — because, really, look at her track record of winners — it’s "to expand what America considers beautiful."Unless beautiful might be … wait for it … a little too thin to be a plus-size model, but too big to be a true fashion model. Then Tyra will be happy to point that out. Thanks for helping us broaden our minds!Anyway, for reasons that will soon become obvious, the girls end up on a big cruise ship. (And by "reasons that will soon become obvious," I mean "commercials for said cruise line that will air repeatedly during this hour — and possibly all season long, considering how much plug they get in this single episode.") The girls are introduced to J Alexander and do an impromptu runway show on the boat’s jogging track to an audience of what appears to be the populace of Boca Raton, Florida, who are doubtlessly enthralled to see 33 women trotting around trying to work a life vest. Chantal says: "I’m not worried. I think I have something that none of the other girls have." Yes, but chlamydia is not necessarily going to help you win, my Texan friend! We are also introduced to a contestant who at first I think is being referred to as Miss Spontaneous. How delightful!, I think. She should be a natural at the impromptu fashion show, with that nickname and all. Maybe she bursts out into song in inappropriate moments, too, like in musicals, or is prone to giving her friends gifts for no reason. Uh, no. Her name is Spontaniouse, which I think might be the awesomest name ever and, simultaneously, Exhibit A in why America might want to follow in Sweden’s footsteps in creating an agency to ensure parents show at least a modicum of restraint when naming their children.We also meet Heather, who has horrible posture from sitting at a desk all day (and, we’ll find out shortly, Asperger’s syndrome). J Alexander mocks Heather’s walk: "You look like you should be digging up clams and oysters," he says, which makes her cry a little.We also meet this season’s beeyotch. Beeyotch, thy name is Ebony. "I call her ‘hunchback,’ " she says of Heather, "and I don’t think she’ll go far on ‘America’s Next Top Model.’ " We’ll see who lasts longer, I guess …Later, Ebony’s idea of a fun game is to "see who has an eating disorder." This game comes to a quick end when Marvita (a) says that is not appropriate, and (b) asks Ebony when her last meal was, because she looks anorexic. There is weave in the air, girls! Ebony says, "First of all, that was a joke, sweetie," which contains two! Two! TWO! incredibly annoying things. "First of all" implies there’s going to be a "and secondly" (or, worse, "and second of all"), which means you know this girl ain’t gonna shut up any time soon. And "sweetie" is so condescending and faux-familiar that it merits a special place in hell for the people who use it that way.Victoria, the "nerd from Yale," gets seasick, which leads fellow competitor Sabrina to declare, "That’s my time to shine." During the mopping? What kind of competition does Sabrina think is going to crop up at dinnertime?During panel interviews, Talk Show Tyra rears her giant head, encouraging the girls to share the secrets she conveniently already has on pieces of paper in front of her. "Why don’t you talk about that?" she says, to which Marvita has to announce to the Jays that she was molested and raped by caregivers. Lisa was in foster care for years and has "seen every kind of hurt," and is also an exotic dancer (although she remains clothed, thus sparing her from the shame cast upon Cyndal, the "entertainer" at Jezebel’s). She later gives Saleisha a lap dance, to which Spontaniouse says, "I was, like (unintelligible), (unintelligible), (unintelligible), uh-uh! That is so nasty!" and draws out the last word like this: "NAAAAYY-ISS-ty."Jenah says the other girls are terrified of her. Her reasoning includes the fact she hangs out with guys and plays beer pong.There is also a montage of the cruel things the judges make the girls do, including singing and dancing (and judge not lest ye be judged, "Shake Ya Body" maker!). Tyra asks one girl to do some "interpretive walking," which apparently means walking like a "high-fashion robot," a "high-fashion centipede" and "a butterfly." Then they laugh at her inability to do so according to their strict standards of High Fashion Robot Walking. Chumps. We will not see Sylvia next week. The "My Life as a Cover Girl" ad has dropped the "as a Cover Girl" part. Poor Jaslene. But more on her later.Let’s not focus on that. Back to interviews. Ebony sashays in with the fakest friendly voice and wide-eyed "sincerity": "Tyra, you might as well stop looking, because America’s Next Top Model is here in front of you!" Tyra says the other girls have said they don’t like her, to which Ebony replies it’s because she’s fierce, which — really? Do people still use that word? Of course there’s a sob story behind it: crack addict mom, angel (and now deceased grandmother). … Ebony cries and Tyra, finally sated by breaking down another human being on television under the guise of empathy, sets the terrified animal back into the wild.Or at least the next room, where she tells Sabrina how even though she doesn’t care that the other girls don’t like her, when she heard it, she "felt bad." Which I interpret to mean, "feel bad because it makes her think it blows her chances," not "feel bad because it would be disheartening to realize that 32 other girls girls despise you after a single day on a boat." Sabrina replies with this week’s motto: "When pretty girls have stanky attitudes like that, it irks me." Truer words have never been said. By the way, Sabrina doesn’t make it.Up next: Photo shoot at the beach, where — what? Is that *Jaslene*? Lots of screaming. Her life has been so busy, what with the … cover of Latina magazine and the … (cricket noises) … hey, didn’t I read in Us magazine that Jeremy Piven was hitting on her?Now for the embarrassing irony edit: Boston bartender Jennifer vows, "I’m not going anywhere. One of those spots is mine." After commercials, she’ll be cut.But first, Tyra lets them make one impassioned plea. They’re boring.During final deliberations, J Alexander says of Marvita: "I don’t see high fashion, I see ready-to-wear." Has he noticed where all of the past winners have ended up, modeling in some alternate universe? He’s aiming a little high, discounting someone because he doesn’t see her as high-fashion. The winner would probably be thrilled to be seen, ever again, anywhere. Are any of the Brady boys left for marrying?And they say of Ebony, in a not-at-all-rehearsed moment, she needs a: (Tyra) "high" (one J) "fashion" (other J) "ass" (not quite in unison) "whuppin." With no Marvita — but I’m ahead of myself — who will provide it? At the finals, Tyra says: "Twelve girls are over here. And there’s one more girl. One more girl that will join these 12 girls…" It’s so girl-y! "And that girl is" … Lisa, of course, because she’s crying the hardest.And then at the very end, Tyra tells the finalists that they were chosen because they’re role models. Someone might want to clue Ebony in on that before next week, because teasing people with Asperger’s really doesn’t seem very upstanding.Oh, and Tyra pretended to get waxed on camera. It waren’t pretty.

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