I had my first real manicure last week, and I spent the rest of the day surreptitiously sneaking looks at how much better my hands looked. However, this was my favorite part: Near the end, the lady asked if I wanted polish on my fingernails and I said no thanks; she said, "Why not? It’s not like you’re –" and then she did the exaggerated limp-wrist thing."Actually, I am," I replied. "And I still don’t want polish.""Oh," she said. And it was very quiet for a while after that. When we were done, Funny Michael and I went next door for coffee drinks and laughed.So, two guys come into a nail salon, with remnants of toenail polish from their trip to the islands, they’re getting manicures and pedicures on a weekday afternoon, talking about how one’s mom wouldn’t let him play the flute in elementary school band ("because it would exaggerate an overbite" … good cover, Mom!) and the other is throwing a dinner party that night. Oh, and I was wearing a T-shirt that features a guy gripping a certain tropical fruit that says "Me encantan las bananas," which translates to "I love bananas!" We were trying to figure out how much gayer we’d have to be, really, before she would have figured it out on her own. Anyway …The tools below — all sold in chain food and drugstores and mass-market retailers like Target or Kmart — can help the experienced re-create the effect at home.NIP DEAD CUTICLES: The amount of time my manicurist took with the cuticle nippers was vexing. I kept thinking, "My hands are not that bad!" But when she was done the whole shape of my fingernails had changed — they looked bigger and, well, better-kept. These half-jaw nippers ($14.99) from La Cross are sharp but gentle to work on delicate cuticle skin.THEN ADD SOME POLISH: I skipped nail polish, but designer Tracy Reese used a cool reverse manicure with two shades of Sally Hansen Salon Nail Lacquer ($6) on the models at her Fall 2007 fashion show. The 10 shades for fall are mostly dark and dramatic, from Plum Licorice to Grenadine Glaze. A picture and instructions on how to create the reverse manicure — and to win all 10 polishes — are at this post.AND LOTION UP — OFTEN: My desk has always been Lotion Central; co-workers are always stopping by to apply one of the bottles sitting out. Curel Targeted Therapy Hand & Cuticle Cream ($4.99) is one I might end up hiding so other people can’t use it: It’s fast-absorbing, so you can go back to typing on a keyboard, but it lasts even through hand-washings and includes an antioxidant to reduce dryness and flaking.

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