You know, when it comes down to it, the real winner of this seasoncycle of "America’s Next Top Model" is: me.Three of my four top picks made the final episode: Jaslene, Natasha and Renee (alas, Kathleen, you were taken from us far too soon). And even if my allegiances shifted from week to week — until she was booted, I was rooting for Renee — that’s still a pretty good percentage. (For sports bets, I mean, not for grade point average or anything.)Then again, if history has proven itself, it’s not like we’ll hear from Jaslene after her "Life as a Cover Girl" ads run once a week during Cycle 9 of "Top Model." And, really, we’ve already seen the first commercial, since they filmed it tonight. I expect we can look forward to at least one Spanglish phrase a week to capitalize on Cha-Cha Diva’s heritage. In honor of that, I think I’ll scatter random phrases in Spanish throughout the post.Oh, I’m also a winner because my Wednesday nights are free again to do what the good Lord intended them for: 2-for-1 drinks at BS West.By the way, this week’s issue of Us Weekly has a quick spread of the top four — how cruel to tease us with Dionne when she’s gone! nice timing issues, Us — modeling summer dresses. Notable because everyone but Jaslene is furiously trying to grow out the hairstyles given to them on this show: Renee’s hair is longer, Natasha’s is back to a much lighter color (although on tonight’s episode I noticed it wasn’t looking as dark, either), and Dionne’s is getting taller (which means longer too). And Us expects us to believe that Natasha can speak English and use words like "circa" and "Yohji Yamamoto." Nice try. But I digress …Luckily, they crammed the finale into a single "action"-packed hour: First the Cover Girl shoots, then the runway show, then de repente, Jaslene!CariDee, who dressed you? When the previous winner shows up on the Cover Girl set to give the three semifinalists a little encouragement, she’s wearing some horrible peach-colored superfringe outfit — like a flapper outfit designed for the fat woman at the circus. Jaslene’s reaction, however, is awesome: A quick up-and-down rake of the eyes and a badly disguised "Damn, that’s ugly!" expression on her face.Natasha’s filmed "backstage," Jaslene’s in the back seat of a car — stereotype much? — and Renee’s on the deck of a boat. Oh, nice: Put the "old-looking" one in harsh outdoor lighting, and to add insult to injury, pop a reflector underneath her. Hey, why don’t you put her out there without any makeup, too, just to really make the ground as unlevel as possible?The girls have to ad-lib. Natasha talks like Natasha — "I book a lot of jobs and am successful model." Remember a couple of cycles ago when one of the girls was all, "I’m fabulous and famous" during hers and they ripped her a new one? They love Natasha so much they can’t pull their heads out. Also, how much bigger could they make her lips look with that lipstick? There was so much off-orange color on there it wasn’t flattering at all. It made her lips look irritated, not irresistible.Renee thinks she’s in last week’s Sad Storyteller Challenge: She empiece a hablar about having a baby and "I thought my life was over!" Buzz! (And thanks mom: "I had my son and thought my life was over…") She’s better on her next take, though.The first thing Jaslene better do with part of her $100,000 contract money is Botox that spot between her eyebrows, because she knits them together during that commercial so hard I’m surprised a tea cozy didn’t spring out right then and there.Still photos with Jim DeYonker, who must have gotten the memo from Tyra & Co., because he says Renee photographs old. Natasha has trouble smiling. Jaslene gets little criticism on this one.And as far as Renee looking old, I have two words for you: Molly Sims. Because she’s appearing in Cover Girl ads right now, and while I still think she’s pretty, I don’t think she photographs a day younger than her real age (she turns 34 later this month — happy birthday!) And her fellow Cover Girl spokeswoman Queen Latifah creaks in at 37. And sure, they’re well-known, but again: The "Top Model" winner never does anything but those Cover Girl ads anyway.

And, what’s with the guest judges who’ve never seen these girls before in their life? They say something like "Natasha’s missing that X Factor," and everyone else on panel jumps down their throat. "No! Natasha is our chosen one!"What it comes down to, in Tyra’s own words: "Is it the girl with the bubbly personality, or the girl who takes amazing photos?" Well, duh. This is "Top Model," so the girl who takes amazing photos goes home. And really: well played, Renee! Though she couldn’t hide the "Que?!" look on her face at that moment, by the time her interview came around she gave them a pretty classy kissoff:"I had the best commercial and the best picture, and that’s not good enough for them. I look old? OK. I’d rather have wisdom in my eyes and knowledge in my head than be blank and stupid and not have anything there." Well, OK, it got a little bitter toward the end there, but still, at least she wasn’t all "Tyra and her crew are so brilliant and I’m so happy they threw me out even though THEY PICKED ME IN THE FIRST PLACE."The other two shoot at Seventeen magazine, where the editors are excited about a pink hoodie sweatshirt that looks like a cheap ripoff of those stupid Juicy Couture ones we all got sick of years ago. Go, fashion!When they get home … there’s Tyra! Natasha greets her with her usual enthusiasm, which I have finally realized reminds me of dogs like my ex-novio’s cocker spaniel. You know how every time you come in it’s like the first time it’s ever seen you return, and (in this dog’s case) get so excited it pees? I wouldn’t be surprised if Natasha has Depends on, that’s all I’m saying. Tyra tries to be all Oprah on them but fails miserably, including asking Natasha if she thinks the other girls were jealous because she was from Russia and this was supposed to be "America’s Next Top Model."(a) She could have stopped that pregunta after the words "Natasha, do you think?" because the answer would have been the same. (b) Thanks for trying to singlehandedly resurrect the Cold War, there. Jaslene starts to cry during her interview — savvy! — and Tyra eats it up like it was pudding.Time for a "Top Model"-style fashion show, which is to say Tyra addresses the audience and there’s lots of weird theatrics instead of, you know, actual runway walking. At one point Natasha loses her falda and keeps walking, and while she handles it with aplomb, she also does so wearing a horribly unflattering bodysuit. Jaslene is too swingy in the arms and a little too theatrical.Between rounds, they can’t get Natasha into her dress, which — what? Have you seen that dress? It’s not like it’s difficult, but it looked like they estaban tratando de squeeze her into a sausage casing or something. Then the hair fixing … she’s late. Bad model! When she finally gets out there she’s just trucking down the runway. Jaslene does much better every time she’s out there. Did I mention the theme was "evolution"? (Maybe she’s taking it to heart, just not in the stupid way the fashion show planners expected. Because those girls didn’t look like Cro-Magnon on their first pass, they looked like crouchy spies in high heels.) And then they end up .. on ladders? WTF?At judging, the hair and cosmetics team has really outdone itself, transforming two pretty young women into ’40s-style space aliens with way too much makeup. Really, Jaslene’s lips? Frighten me. They are too rojo, too drawn-on and speaking of old, make her mouth look about 90. I worry about the touch-ups required to keep them looking decent.The discussion comes down to: Even when Natasha does badly, she shows desire to learn and improve. Jaslene’s arc hasn’t been as dramatic — however, as Jay Manuel points out wisely (finalmente!), that’s because she started out strongly to begin with.It’s a pleasant surprise when it comes time for the "last speech" opportunity. Both girls keep it short and sweet, and don’t have a bunch of "I was dragged through hell by parents"/"I thought I was ugly" crap like past years. Both also speak briefly in another language: Natasha says she’s happy that girls with accents made it to the final round (in Russian), and Jaslene says gracias por esta oportunidad.

And thanks to her snap, crackle and pop, Jaslene is named the winner. She is happy and says so in multiple takes.Natasha’s babies are, unfortunately, going to have "an unhappy woman to be raising them." Hey, she said it herself.

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