Well, it’s not an American Cover Girl commercial, but it will have to do…This week monotone marble-mouthed Jael finally gets sent home, but not before we get to watch her drone her way through filming of a Cover Girl commercial — destined to be seen only down under! Because the girls are in Sydney, Australia!Annoying Jael quote #1: "I am the spreader of light."It’s that time of year again, when a young girl’s thoughts turn to interview season. Remember in the past when the coach was someone from "Entertainment Tonight," or even a full-blown crazy Janice Dickinson? This year it’s … April from Cycle 2, whose claim to fame now is that she’s a correspondent for "Miami Vibe," which according to my crack 30-second Web research appears to be a 1-minute, 40-second Cadillac promotion that ran before the Super Bowl. How the not-so-mighty have fallen!Anyway, April has the girls practice as interviewer and interviewee, and to aid in her efforts, she has enlisted her friend, the very wee Gary Riotto, who is billed as an "actor and comedian" but whose web site lists his top accomplishment as appearing on "Deal or No Deal," so we seem to be getting some conflicting information here. At least he has no (apparent) link to Tyra, like a CW show or 10-year history with her, which would allow her to flash a photo of herself when she was young and thin for the 90th time this cycle. ….(Jaslene’s goal: "I wanna talk good." It’s gonna be a long episode …)Gary plays the taciturn guest and the chatterbox guest, and at one point April does the worst interrupt ever seen on national television and tries to pretend as if it were a great stop-and-segue. No wonder these girls suck later on, with this as their examples. Up next: The blooper reel of news anchors on that Dick Clark series.Annoying Jael quote #2: "I am fearless and have a lot to say." Again, long episode ahead. You might want to get a beverage. With alcohol.After practicing and some brief girl-on-girl romping in the pool (Jael topless, again), April starts telling them about their challenge, but is interrupted by some giant leaping thing in a shabby costume. Seriously, I was like, "What the hell is that supposed to be?" when it’s unmasked as Tyra in costume as a … what is that?! Renee’s helpful interview: "She can have the rattiest, torn-up kangaroo costume on and still look incredible." You know Tyra laid down the law in the editing room: "That stays IN!"So, that’s when I learned it was a kangaroo costume. Because the girls are going to Australia! Yay! Everyone is jumping and squealing, especially Natasha — who has no clue what Tyra even said. She is making this noise that, seriously, is like some sort of radio emergency alert system — constant and high-pitched and really, really annoying. Tyra asks, "Did you even understand what I said?" and Natasha admits no, so then Tyra says again: You’re going to Australia! And the squealing starts all over again. It makes me want to change the station, just like I do in the car when that alert comes on the radio.The winner of the interview challenge, by the way, gets to be a correspondent … ON THE TYRA BANKS SHOW! Maybe it will be the episode where she goes undercover … as a woman who doesn’t annoy the hell out of me? Naw, that will never happen.(Awesome Jaslene quote: "I’ve never been anywhere but around the corner.")We see the annual cheesy graphic of the plane flying from Los Angeles to Sydney, with little cutout photos of the girls — from right after they had their makeovers — in each of the windows. Unlike past seasons, the photos do not bounce, perhaps because it implied turbulence.Natasha is still atwitter about the trip: "Some people are crazy about the Tibet," she says, but she’s crazy about the Australia. I am crazy about the Russian-American language barrier.At the airport the girls are greeted by "supermodel" — and we are using this term loosely — Erika Heynatz, who more likely got this gig because, as she explains she was the "original host" of "Australia’s Next Top Model." Here’s how low this gig is: She quit so she could go on the Australian reality series "It Takes Two," which is like the singing version of "Dancing With the Stars." (Which she won, by the way.) But there are apparently no hard feelings, because here she is, saying "nackered" and "straight into the hard yucca" and everything short of "crikey" and "throw another shrimp on the barbie." Even though it’s pretty evident what she’s saying: You must be tired, you’ve got to march onward, etc., the girls look blankly at her, which is convenient because their challenge is to use as much Australian slang in their interviews as possible! They’ll go out on the streets and ask Sydney folks what the American fashion faux pas is. Because Aussies are known for their superb fashion sense.Brittany decides now would be a good time to discuss her memory problems: Years ago she got hit by a car and cracked her head open, which required stitches and affected the part of her brain that handles short-term memory. So, at first I think: How could she be a good bartender? You’d order a vodka tonic and a Bud Light, and she’d come back with a Kir Royale and an order of nachos.Then I think: Why haven’t we heard anything about this before — say, during last week’s episode when they had to memorize an entire script complete with character changes? This is suspicious.Then I think: Actually, thank God. Because at least people are springing these things on us at the last minute, instead of like retinosis pigmentosa Amanda, who could not go five minutes without bringing up the fact that sometime down the road she would go blind. At least this is seven episodes I haven’t had to hear Brittany discuss the number of stitches (eight) or how many years it’s been (five). We’ll hear it enough this episode.Annoying Jael quote #3: "I think I’m really good about speaking with other human beings." Yeah, because keeping up a dialogue with fish and cats is pretty difficult.The girls go out and discuss things. Dionne’s Aussie slang count is zero, while her "That’s cool, that’s cool" count is off the charts. Then they reconvene and in a moment that proves that bad overdubbing isn’t a strictly American phenomenon, Erika tells them again they must be nackered and off they go to their glamorous hotel! With pictures of Tyra and CariDee everywhere, which mitigates the glamour somewhat.The Tyra mail says "Get ready to put up your dukes!" and many of the girls realize this means, again, kangaroos, because what else is there in Australia besides kangaroos? (And aborigines, which you know will be incorporated into a photo shoot, and maybe travel into the bush a la South Africa.) Renee, meanwhile, is like, "Why kangaroos?" Apparently being nice has sapped her brain capacity.On location, Jay Manuel explains the stupid concept: They’re doing a Cover Girl shoot with a thick Australian accent. This makes me excited to hear Natasha’s rendition of an Aussie girl. We watch them get made up, including something that I learned from watching the makeup artists at one of our Trib fashion shoots: When you’re doing heavy eye shadow effects, put some loose powder under your eyes so anything that falls from above falls on loose powder, which can be easily brushed away and won’t require heavy rubbing or pushing. Thanks, Dionne!(Photos to come Thursday morning when the CW gets around to posting them..)Renee’s first, and Jay says, "Go over the top and let me pull you back!" This will prove a mistake later on. Dionne can’t remember anything and … remember when she decided to use a Jamaican accent last week? It shows up again here. Jael … ah, Jael. What’s funny is that on the regular footage she actually looks kind of pretty, but in the well-lit "this is what we’d use in the commercial" footage she looks horrible. And she’s all over the top, looking goofy and ugly and kind of making me feel sorry for her, and simultaneously cringing because I’ve been on TV and refused to watch the footage afterward for fear I came off exactly the same way. Only with better diction, of course.Jaslene decides that "Australian accent" means "speak one octave higher than usual." Brittany starts to cry because of her short-term memory loss, blah blah blah. Natasha has such a strong Russian accent that anything Australian is lost on me. Pretty much everyone thinks they did badly, except maybe Renee — who is very sweet to the other girls, which is kind of nice and makes me like her more. In the van back home, Brittany’s crying again, and Natasha says, "You look so gorgeous, it doesn’t matter how you did." Uh, don’t bet on that, Brit.Annoying Jael quote #4, about not wanting to go home: "I’m not through spreading joy to the universe."Panel! In honor of Australia, Tyra is wearing what appears to be Chinese silks and a giant blue belt. G’day, mate! If only they had taken away J. Alexander’s ruffles at customs, but no, he’s still there, with Nigel and Twiggy and Erika. This is when we hear that "America’s Next Top Model" is now in 120 countries — and according to Wikipedia there are now 20 different countries doing their own "Top Model" competitions — including Russia! Poor Natasha could have saved herself a mail-order marriage and just competed at home.We see the completed commercial, then individual takes. The judges say they are "shocked and amazed" at how well Natasha did, which I am going to interpret as at least they could understand her English. But no, they say that she "rocked that commercial" and sounded authentically Aussie. I think they are sleep-deprived.Tyra suggests to Dionne that because this commercial would be geared toward a younger viewer, she should be more animated. And of course she demonstrates, which is awesome because it’s completely over the top with GIANT! FLASHING! EYES! that remind me of a ventriloquist’s dummy with the eyelids snapping open and closed. Yes, by evoking horror films and Edgar Bergen, that’s how you get the teens.They make fun of Renee’s brusqueness, even though I think she did the best job of the bunch — her accent was authentic and she looked awesome, when you take away the stupid outfit and hair combo, which is not her fault, TYRA.They’re silent when they look at Jael’s footage, but Tyra says she looks like an anarchist making fun of being a Cover Girl. Brittany starts crying when she watches her footage, and when she brings up the whole short-term memory loss J. Alexander barks out, "Fashion has no sympathy or empathy!" which seems kind of mean, considering what a mess he is — you’re telling me he didn’t get some job early on due to pity? And, really, what kind of commercial is delivered in a single, 30-second-long take, anyway? This isn’t the beginning of "Touch of Evil" — this is TV advertising.Judging: They’re unimpressed by Dionne; Renee is consistent; Jael is endearing or boring, depending on who’s talking; and Jaslene needs to pull it back. Wasn’t that Jay’s job for her and Renee? Aw, never mind.Natasha gets called first — and she also wins the challenge, perhaps because as an immigrant she’s the only contestant who would have been excited about appearing on Tyra’s show. Then Renee, Jaslene and, thankfully, Dionne are safe. It’s down to Brittany and Jael.Brittany is apparently not fierce enough to power through blunt force head trauma, and Tyra says in all seriousness that "delivering a Cover Girl commercial is one of the most important things" about this competition. Really? Because we never see them on actual TV except during this show — and not even as a commercial, but as part of the program itself.How Jael presents herself on film is "ghastly," according to Dame Tyra, and is the one who must pack her bags and go home. True to her nature, Jael does so wearing an electric blue bob wig and a red tutu over her regular clothing, which gives her final walk a very "Alias" vibe.Don’t think of it as not bringing joy to the world — think of it as not inflicting it upon it, instead.

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