The producers of "America’s Next Top Model" must have sensed that the same old crazy girls were getting you down, because in this episode we’re introduced to Nayien, Nata, Whitelle and Wholaha, among others. Oh, and Moe.Who-la-what the HAIL is going on, Dionne? The girls get to unleash — and rename — their hidden personalities this week, thanks to encouraging words from Twiggy (nee Lesley Hornby) and last cycle’s second-place-is-first-loser contestant Mel("I don’t need no -issa")Rose. They also style and photograph their personalities, Sybil-style, for a photo shoot inspired by — who else? — Tyra.

The judges hate Moe and send her home. They hate how fake she looks — on the one week her photos really look like her. For Moe, you see, is actually Sarah.As she leaves, she says she’s had a good run and she’s glad she’s learned something: "It’s OK to be myself, you know?"Uh, no. That’s what got you got kicked off.Renee is mean, Renee is complaining about the other girls, blah blah blah … what has she got on her HEAD? A scarf used as a babushka? I am distracted, and the next thing I know ……the girls are in a room with a big sign that says LESLEY HORNBY, and while they all stand around looking confused, here comes Twiggy, wearing a

white blouse and a horrible wide tie, who rips off the sheet of paper off the sign to reveal another underneath and explains to anyone who have a brain that Twiggy isn’t her given name, but a nickname that stuck and turned her into a legend. Well, it’s not really the name that did it, but the photos, but we gloss over that and go right into ……how having a unique name can help you in the modeling industry. And as proof, out trots

Melrose (hey, nice skirt), whom we’ve seen … uh, NOWHERE since she lost to CariDee last season. CariDee — there’s an original name, one that’s not, say, the name of one of the most popular shopping districts in Los Angeles. … Aw, never mind.Anyway, the girls are encouraged to come up with their own new names. Jael and Jaslene decide their real ones suit them just fine, thank you, but others decide to give reinvention a whirl. Some go for simple abbreviation (Natasha = "Nata," Brittany = "Brit"). Others go exotic-with-a-back-story (Dionne = "Wholahay," Renee = "Nayien"). Whitney takes a page out of Melrose’s book and compacts her first and middle names into "Whitelle." Sarah … Sarah just goes with — her favorite Stooge? — Moe.Twiggy tells the girls they’ve been invited to a "smart and sexy" party — GAH! Renee is wearing another head wrap in her interview, and it’s even a different color. Are they throwing these things in as some sort of visual cue to jolt me awake? Well, at least I’m paying attention to hear the instructions: (1) Be eloquent. (2) Don’t monopolize. (3) Have a sense of humor. (4) Use your new names.On the way home, Renee snarks that she can’t wait for some stimulating conversation. Jael asks what that means, Renee’s all, "What?" and Jael points out, quite rightly, that the reason Renee isn’t having any stimulating conversation is because everyone in the house hates her and doesn’t want to talk to her.At the party, Renee is wearing the light blue head wrap again! Is her inner personality Muslim? Many of the girls are distracted by the celebrities — Nicole Richie, Paris Hilton, 50 Cent — but only Whitney notices Benny Medina — constantly referred to as "Benny Medina, Tyra’s manager" — inside. Soon enough, a minion comes a-mincing along to invite her in to meet with Benny, and it’s then that I get a good look at Whitney’s top. At first I just thought it was too small for her plus-size breasteses, but it turns out that it’s an odd crossover top — it crosses over the opposite breast, leaving that gash/sliver of exposed flesh.Meanwhile Jael begins a borderline-obsessive relationship with 50 Cent, who finally tells her she needs to go away, and he’ll give her a signal — a smoke signal — if he wants her to come back.Dionne goes in to talk to Benny and says the hardest part of the competition is being away from her family. What is it with women suddenly dropping announcements that they have kids? Natasha last week, Dionne this week…Back outside, Jael just can’t stay away from 50 Cent. She tells him one of her parents is black and one is Jewish, which makes her "Blewish. You can’t hang with that." Then she says something that makes him push her in the pool. Twice. And for some reason, Natasha jumps in after her. "Woo! I make big fun at American party!"Jael says she holds no hard feelings for 50: "He loves music and that’s all that matters to me as a human being," she says. She and Natasha are then summoned to Benny Medina, who proceeds to dress them down — I don’t even think he interviews them. No doubt such horrible behavior will hurt them at judging!On "The Simple Life," Nicole is always the devious troublemaker, and she doesn’t disappoint here, either: While talking to Renee, she asks who’s the bitch of the group, and Renee fingers Jael (who at the moment is doing some characteristically loopy/annoying postsoak dance). So of course in the powder room, Nicole shares this information with Jael: "I forget her name, but one of the girls told me that she hated you."The most fortuitously coincidental Tyra Mail Ever! "Finding your roommates to be two-faced? You’re gonna be four-faced." What perfect fodder to start a earnest, adult conversation about the unspoken resentment and ill behavior in the house.Which is to say: Girl fight! Well, more like "girl argument." There’s no hair pulling or anything, just trash-talking. And when Jael is done, Renee says something like, "I’m not a mean person" to the other girls, who roll their eyes. "You don’t like me, either?" Silence. And Renee’s false eyelashes for the party look really lame postparty. It’s like she doesn’t know when to pull the damn things off. This will be a recurring theme.Time for a photo shoot, which Jay Manuel tells them was inspired by "Tyra’s beauty book," which involves several photos of Tyra. And WHAT? Britney is wearing a freaking scarf like a head wrap. Is there no end to the head wrap madness? Are they looking at Tyra week after week and thinking this is a good idea? Now, Britney, with her raggedy weave, is probably the one girl who could use the head covering, so I am willing to grant her a little leeway. But still. Did she borrow it from Renee?Back to the shoot, during which the girls will direct their own styling and then have 15 minutes to show four different sides of their personality. I hope there are no head wraps.But first, Dionne wins the week’s challenge — she impressed Benny Medina back at the party, and she (and her chosen friends Jaslene and Whitney) will take part in a shoot for Keds that will appear in Seventeen magazine.As always, click on the thumbnails to see the full-size four-pack. Really, some of these are going to come in so handy: I think from now on, any time Dionne says, "what the HAIL?" I am going to accompany it with her photo. Some people’s theme choices are inspired: Jaslene, for example, embraces her inner stereotypes, and shoots "drag queen," "cha-cha diva" and "modelesque" as well as the not-so-interesting "sentimental." Others, not so much: Witness Sarah’s "innocent," "anger," "regret" and something that involves her laughing. Brittany tells the stylists that her hair was possessed by an evil spirit. It looks horrifying in her interview. Jay Manuel says her shoot is lame. No doubt this will come back to haunt her at judging!Dionne, Jaslene and Whitney head off for their shoe shoot. Dionne gives props to Benny Ninja for his "all about the shoe" voguing instructions.Now it’s time for Caring Tyra. Only she’s wearing a head wrap, and weaves, and in the worst-dubbed voiceover ever, she tells the girls she just came from a "crazy" photo shoot so please excuse her "extreme makeup." It’s time for revelations! It is very boring and involves crying. Brittany’s hair hurts. Dionne misses her kid. Renee thinks she’s misunderstood, and her therapy involves sitting up by Tyra and having the other girls one by one tell her that they

Posted in: ANTM |

You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.