You might know Burt’s Bees beeswax lip balm — I’ve got a tube sitting on my desk right now and about four others at home ("just in case you lose one") — but to get a look at the whole line, head to the Tempe Arts Festival this weekend and look for the Burt’s Bees "Bee-utify Your World" mobile tour. Here’s what you’ll find …(1) Sampling stations of hair, skin and baby care products, with free take-home samples, too.(2) Free hand massages.(3) Ingredient information stations — find out why Burt’s Bees won’t use ingredients like sodium lauryl sulfate in its products.Click here for a full schedule of events and information.

You model tramps need to stomp this water and make this water do the water dance!

Sorry. News about the "Spring Into Fashion ‘07" event at the Hotel Valley Ho in Scottsdale inspired a little flashback to "America’s Next Top Model" (Naima edition).

You see, the Ford Robert Black models at the March 30 event will be walking on a suspended plexiglass runway over the pool — just like on "ANTM"!

(They’re probably not allowed to get the clothing from Moody Blues Boutique wet, though. Stomp-and-splash alert level: low. Sorry, J. Alexander.)

First 100 people who cross the red rope are entered into a drawing for a one-month use of a 2007 Hummer; everyone who attends gets a VIP pass to the afterparty at Pussy Cat Lounge.

The event begins 5 p.m. Tickets are $10 in advance — none will be sold at the door. To learn more, send a message to: info@jgroupmedia.com

This week Renee tries to get in touch with her friendly, sensitive side — and fails. She also tries to win a challenge — and fails. Jael tries to go one week without doing something or saying something stupid — and fails. And Felicia tries to stick around another week — and fails. Which means: We no longer have to hear a contestant discuss how her dance training is helping her in this competition.Because there’s not enough hula-hooping to take Jael’s troubled mind off the death of her friend last episode, Felicia decides to teach her … a dance. We don’t necessarily see great success at this venture, but Jael says she feels really fortunate to have friends in the house. Well, wait about 55 minutes, and we’ll see how many are left.Meanwhile, Renee announces that she feels like the girls don’t like her and are offended by her — gee, I wonder why? — so she decides to go on a nice streak. Which she initiates by handing Jael a rather amateur drawing she’s done of Jael … in a straitjacket. (Don’t worry, the straps aren’t tied, she tells Jael, who — being Jael — of course likes it and dubs it "the coolest picture ever." Seriously, how stupid is she? How could they ditch Kathleen but save Jael week after week? (Well, except for the whole photo thing.)The Tyra-size Hummer is pulled over by what is very clearly not a traffic cop, what with the twirling and all. His horribly forced stubble give him a total F2M-transgender vibe, and yet the girls seem genuinely concerned or chagrined, not seeing through such a clever disguise. It turns out he’s Benny Ninja, who declares himself the "Father of the House of Ninja," which sounds like a great Japanese restaurant but is actually a … collaboration? collection? Aw, rent "Paris is Burning" if you don’t know, but basically he’s going to teach them how to vogue. Which is great, because it means we’re back in the ’80s, when vogueing was actually new and exciting, and I can totally relive my life in a different way and see what the outcome is.The girls battle-vogue each other in different scenarios: It’s Felicia vs. Sarah for "face poses," Diana vs. Renee in "shoe poses," Brittany vs. Natasha for "handbag poses" (and luckily my spellcheck caught my mistaken "hand—" just now), Jaslene vs. Dionne for "floor poses" and Dionne vs. Whitney in … face poses again. Maybe we should have saved this for when there were only eight girls left?Back at the house, Renee is braiding Brittany’s hair — apparently no hard feelings after last week — and her BFF in the previous episode, Diana, snarks about how Renee is very manipulative, looking for a girl in the house that she can be friends with/control. "I don’t buy it, I don’t buy it," Diana says in a very singsong tone that totally made me laugh because it made me remember — tangent alert! — this (ahem) adult movie a friend of mine had seen and at one point the female "star" stops what she’s doing and decides it’s the perfect time to sing out, "I’m on fire, I’m on fire." And the male "star" looks down and says, in the same tone, "I am too, I am too." Ah, flashbacks to then-uncomfortable moments that we can laugh about now. …Jael wakes up the next morning and no, that’s not a hickey, it’s a burn with a curling iron. The girl’s got a Mia Farrow haircut. What was she doing with a curling iron? I like to think it was actually inflicted by another girl in the house during a spiteful moment. (Renee?)They arrive at someplace where they are greeted by … Willy Ninja again, this time dressed in some sort of "Kill Bill"-inspired outfit, only in leotard form. Anyway, the girls will have to pull out their "Mission: Impossible" (Miss Impossible?) moves to make it through a "crazy maze" of lasers — all the while posing/voguing at the same time. The winner gets a really atrocious $40,000 bracelet.They change into silver leotards and begin. Dionne’s all "what the HAIL?" when she has to go first, but when she started out with a split, even my eyes bugged out a little. Brittany’s packed into that leotard — but rocks the whole course, keeping eye contact with Willy the whole time. Jaslene even pulls out the classic "hands framing face" bit Madonna popularized in the music video. Felicia points out how as a dancer, the challenge was "very easy to me." Natasha takes it down to the wire … Everyone gets through except Renee, who cries because she wanted to win so she could sell the bracelet and pay off bills. Whitney is declared the winner.Renee goes home and since there’s no cat to kick to make her feel better, she gets on the phone with her husband. "You wanna come pick me up?" she snits. "I shouldn’t be here with all these stupid girls." Her husband, showing his brilliant deductive reasoning, asks, "Did you have a good day today?" She stays on the phone for so long, the other girls ask to use it and she shoos them away — she’s no Monique from Cycle 7, but we do get a couple of F-bombs and implied threats of violence. So much for that kindness streak. Someone drop her a copy of "How to Make Friends and Influence People" so she can see that threatening to beat someone down might not be the best path to follow.The next morning they end up on the roof — or, as Dionne refers to it, "the 12th floor" — of the Alexandria Hotel, which clearly was hoping for some product placement. They’ll be posing for photos as crime scene victims. But wait, there’s more: The girls will have been killed BY OTHER MODELS. (This last part makes Renee clap.) I’m not sure why being killed by the other models makes that much of a difference from, you know, just being dead. Maybe it’s more glamorous? Renee has been poisoned and does very well, which surprises Jay Manuel, who calls her photos "editorial and high fashion," which apparently is the highest compliment he can give. She says she won’t tell the other girls how well she did, but Jay runs in and tattles. Jaslene says, in a not-at-all-rehearsed sort of way, "Intimidation is my motivation," which — huh? Is that like a Successories poster or something? However, she does do well on her pushed-from-the-roof shoot. (Jay to Jaslene: "I know you’re creative; why don’t you find a pretty way to fall?")Brittany asks if she can heave herself out of the tub where she’s been electrocuted. Unfortunately, this means she’s on the floor of the bathroom, which looks kind of nasty, really. When her shoot is over, Jay says, "Get this girl a towel — and a tetanus shot." There’s your product placement, Alexandria Hotel!Diana’s had her organs stolen and then was stitched up again in the … hallway? That’s quite a sewing machine there. Everyone knows that organ thieves always leave their victims in a bathtub full of ice! So fake, this show.

Sarah got pushed down the stairs. Jael was strangled but doesn’t do well on the shoot — or so the editing would have you believe. We get a close-up photo of her, and she’s got pretty bad skin, which I’d never noticed before. A decapitated Felicia keeps croaking "I’m going to get you after this" and has decided to stare blankly into the clouds, ignoring Jay’s credo of "bringing life to a dead pose." Whitney reclines against a sofa as a stabbing victim — what, on this show they didn’t even have the idea of stabbing her in the back? Natasha is a drowning victim and Dionne was shot in the head. Most of their photos are pretty good, which, yay.Judging! After her Sherlock Holmes photo is tossed up there, we see Tyra with her headwrap and giant weave again. Natasha has unwisely parted her hair in the middle, obliterating any bangs she had. But Dionne takes the grief for the way she dresses outside of the challenges.At this point I have in my notes: "Felicia is going home. Who will be the other one called?" (I guessed Brittany, just for the offhand [but sage] comment that J. Alexander made about how it’s a great photo but you can’t see the clothes in it — who’d have thought the ugliest Pierrot doll in history could pull out something that smart?)Wrong: It’s Felicia vs. Dionne, who "lacks presence," which is just about as lame as "losing your personality." How great would it have been if they had to do one last battle-vogue? Instead, Tyra calls Dionne’s name and says that at all times, Dionne should be dressed like she’s walking down the street in Paris on go-sees. Again, I would suggest Tyra create a clothing allowance for the show, then. And what happened to last week’s spiel about how this was the one time it was OK "not to be a model"? Tyra then gives Felicia way too much advice, when all she wants to do is say goodbye to all the girls. Which she does, and then packs her bags, and slaps up a big ol’ piece of spiral-bound paper up on the wall next to Tyra’s face. It says: "Felicia Mail," which I think is awesome.

I *knew* I’d forget something when I went on vacation: I forgot to make this post active. So I’m extending the deadline an extra week. …Click on this link to send me an e-mail with your name and mailing address — and the subject line JELLYBATH — for a chance to win one of the boxes of the powder, which turns bathwater into a textured experience that holds heat up to four times longer. I’ll pick out winners on March 27.UPDATED: Congratulations to Michael Incorvaia, Kim Giesaking and Kay Klingler, the three readers who will receive boxes of the product.

This week, Tyra and crew reach the startling conclusion that "pretty on the inside" just isn’t enough for a model, and send home the most rational (-seeming) girl. But really it’s for the best: They’d already cut Cassandra’s most interesting feature — that wig she’d sewn into her real hair — earlier in the episode during MAKEOVERS!Apparently Frederic Fekkai had enough backtalk from wannabe models, because the salon owner responsible for this year’s transformations is Neeko, who apparently got the job because he worked with Tyra back when she was 17 and, thus, has blackmail photos or something.Tyra comes wandering out inexplicably wearing pajamas and curlers and vaguely groggy, like she’s been sleeping it off in the back room or something. She proceeds to lay out the plans for each of the girls, and then in a bit of low theater, they pretend to cut off part of her weave while she wails and crawls along the floor in a way that recalls her fake-diva histrionics from a few seasons back. Only this time she’s not trying to overact, she just IS overacting.Onto the cuts: Cassandra’s wig is being cut out and replaced by real afro-style extensions. Also on the extension train: Brittany, who’s going curly and red; Jael, who’s going long and brown. Diana’s blonde hair has a few tracks to add volume, and so does Jaslene’s new shorter ‘do. Felicia gets heavy bangs that make her face look very round. Dionne’s going as short as Kelis; hopefully Tyra won’t take future inspiration from the singer’s recent choice in hairstyle or behavior. Renee’s cut is a little edgier and really makes me notice her eyebrows, which frankly could use a little taming. Whitney’s new mane is luxurious; Natasha’s dark blunt bob makes her look more than a little like Cleopatra. Sarah’s cut is honed and her color is darkened.There’s a moment where J. Alexander decides he wants a makeover, too. It’s annoying. He gets a relaxer treatment, apparently, and looks just as annoying.Jael says, "I have to be wilder inside to make sure that nobody mistakens my normal hair for a normal attitude." That’s right: "mistakens." I think there’s no danger of that.Diana says that Brittany is a cryer and whiner. This is the first mention we’ve heard of it.After Jael spends 8 hours getting her tracks put in — the braids, the glue, the extensions — Jay Manuel walks over and says they’ve decided to take the whole thing out because it doesn’t look very good. About the only thing they can do now is give her a Mia Farrow haircut; she is the first one to cry this episode, and it doesn’t help that J. Alexander tells her, "You have to work extra hard now that you don’t have any hair on your head." Nice. Renee grins while she tells us this; the other girls are more sympathetic. Brittany’s weave hurts a lot. The way she’s crying and complaining apparently the procedure involved acid and sandpaper and bamboo shoots under the fingernails.Natasha gets to read this week’s first Tyra mail — apparently they forgot about last week’s debacle when her accent made it impossible to understand what she was saying. It involves a makeup challenge. Also, her hair looks bad when the bangs develop an inadvertent part.Diana starts talking bad about Brittany’s crybaby attitude. "I’m so sick of it already," she says. Whitney takes it a level higher, telling Brittany that other people cry because their boyfriend just got shot. "I slapped her up and gave her the deuces," she says. Whitney, you are from WEST PALM BEACH, which makes Paradise Valley look poor. What in the hell are you talking about?Jael learns her friend overdosed of drugs and has a Jael-style breakdown. "This is the worst thing I could possibly hear in the whole universe," she says. Really sort of an overstatement. Wouldn’t this sort of thing come with the territory as a band manager?Long story short for this week’s challenge: Brittany says she feels sick. Renee tries to get her to skip it. It involves makeup. Cassandra gets disqualified for getting caught up in some rosebushes and not making it back in time. Despite her illness Brittany wins because she "used the colors and blended them." However, after only one day, her hair already looks a hot stringy mess. This would not seem to be difficult, but looking at some of the other girls. … They ask Whitney if she’s even applied any makeup.The prize is a shoot for "Seventeen." Jael says she thinks Brittany rocks and the other girls are jealous. Cut to Renee, of course: "Brittany does not stand out for me at all," she says, watching Brittany at her prize shoot.Diana reads the next Tyra mail. It involves sundaes not being a day of rest. Sure, give the big girl the message about ice cream…But then again, she’s not very sweet on her own: She’s outside talking smack about Brittany with — who else? — Renee. Have you noticed Renee has like one friend per episode? During the first one it was Jael, but by the end Jael said she was tired of it; then it was … who? Anyway, now she’s onto Diana. It’s like each one gives her a chance, then realizes how negative and backstabby she is and drops her.Brittany decides to confront Renee and says, "The walls in a house full of women are like paper thin." Very zen! It makes me wish she had instead performed her confrontation in haiku. Renee says, "I’ve been nothing but nice to you, genuine to you." Man, is she delusional, or perhaps amnesiac? It all ends with Brittany saying she has nothing more to say to her. (Well, she does, as we’ll see in a moment.) Renee says that Brittany acts like she’s still in high school — ooh, caustic! — and Brittany’s going to let it slide but … can’t. "I’m still kicking your ass in this competition," she says as Renee walks inside. Renee flips her the bird.Jael is still emotional, soaking in the pool with yet another cigarette. Brittany is nearby, and we cut to Diana and Renee nearby, complete with Evildoer "dun-dun-DUN" music. Renee swears she’ll knock Brittany on her ass one of these times. "I can’t stand the b—- either," Diana says. "What (Jael) doesn’t need is a bunch of fake b—-es hangng around trying to be her friend," says — remember this — Renee.It turns out the girls will pose nude in an ice-cream style shoot. Each girl will be themed around a kind of candy. Brittany isn’t pleased about the nekkid but says she’ll deal. Cassandra — hey, remember her? — tries to make sexy faces for her Jellybean shoot but her eyes are squinty and she has a snarly nose.Brittany: "My hands are not going to react well" with the cold ice cream. Felicia, in an awesome "no-duh" moment: "Nobody’s hand is."Sarah makes "rowhr!" face for her shoot to much greater success than Cassandra. Dionne, in her Candy Cane shoot, tells Jay Manuel she thinks she’s more comfortable naked. The gay guy is not thrilled. Brittany’s painted yellow for her Banana Split shoot. She does obscene things with a maraschino cherry and rocks the shoot. There’s a lot of cutting to an angry-looking Renee.Jay says Diana "needs a little mirror time" because she doesn’t know what to do with her big body. I would say that’s mean, but it’s also true.Renee is Candy Necklace, which finally gives her a chance to be all fierce like she’s been begging. The results are middling. Whitney says she’s a chocolate goddess during her Chocolate Kiss shoot. Jael does great at her Birthday Cake shoot, too, and it’s nice to see shots of the other girls telling her as such. Felicia is OK at her Lollipop shoot. Jaslene is — stereotype alert — dulce de leche. Natasha is burlesque-ish at her Gumballs shoot, but you can see concentration all over her face. And big giant lips, too. Observer Sarah says Natasha looks like Kate Moss and Renee, making friends and influencing people, says, "No she doesn’t. Do you even know what Kate Moss looks like?" Sarah shoots her a look that makes me suspect we won’t see a very special episode with a Sarah-Renee friendship.Cassandra says she worries that her disqualification at the challenge will hurt her. Jael worries about lackluster performance … and we see a shot of Renee crouched near her bed, ready to pounce on her for some fake-b—- friendship.Judging! Tyra’s got another head wrap and curly weave, so apparently that cut at the beginning of the episode was … fake? My god! I’m so disillusioned!Jael says despite her grief and tears, she’s there to be professional and be a model, which made me think she was kind of great there for a moment. And Tyra takes a moment to remind the world how generous she is by saying her heart goes out to her, and the girl’s friends and family, and also anyone who went to grade school with her, or maybe drove by her in a car. Jael says she’d like to dedicate this photo to her girlfriend, which loses all the goodwill she just garnered.Felicia shimmies up with a little dance move that is not appreciated by panel. Tyra tells her her outfit is "way too video" and advises Felicia should instead have worn stilettos and a tank top,and she should kick off her sneakers. (Barefoot: Much better!)They tell Natasha she’s dressed too spangly — or as J. Alexander says, "shing shing shingaling." Yes, that will be easily translated into Russian. Helpful!Tyra’s first "I would have done it much better" moment comes in Whitney’s judging. Brittany’s weave troubles earn sympathy from Tyra, of course. She says Brittany is doing "the black girl pat" to assuage the pain. Her photo is great — but I notice that they’ve painstakingly removed all hints of the yellow that was so vibrant in her shoot. Tyra says there were "no negatives" in her shoot — not meaning that there are no negatives because they’re shooting on digital now, but that Brittany does a great job. This is of course followed up by a shot of an angry Renee.Cassandra’s photo is received by stony silence. I’m surprised there weren’t cricket noises added in just for effect. They tell her she’s "continuing to lose" her pretty. That really implies there was some pretty to start with, doesn’t it? And it doesn’t bode well, either.Renee gets praise for part of her photos but her eyes aren’t very intense — they’re not as Tyra says, "burrrrning." Maybe she should pretend Brittany is the photographer.Dionne is excoriated: Her clothing is "beyond mall." Tyra instructs her to "take your earrings off, take your belt off, take your shoes off." (What is her fascination with barefoot girls?) Then, deciding that’s not enough, Tyra insists Dionne even take "the brown thing" off — her baby tee is apparently so ugly Tyra cannot refer to it by name. She furthers the judging by saying she wishes Dionne’s jeans were longer. I would have said, "I wish you would cut me some slack, but it looks like that’s not going to happen, either."They tell Diana (and, earlier, Natasha) that they needed to let their hair down so viewers can see their transformation. However J. Alexander is allowed to keep his pulled back?Awesome moment: Tyra says, "Why do you think you’re so introverted?" Diana’s respose, "Well, I don’t know." And nothing else. I’m telling you, a little money for a cricket-noises effect would pay back in spades! "Well," Tyra says, a little snippy and taken aback, "maybe some self-reflection." Yes, because what you want the introverted girl to do is take a little more time for self-reflection. That will help a lot!More Tyra wisdom: She castigates Jasleen for having "so much earrings" and tells her to take them out. Then she starts in on how "culture is beautiful. It’s important to bring that to panel." Yes, Jasleen — bring your culture and personality to panel, but just not in earring form, apparently.Deliberations: Renee has "flirty eyes." Whitney looks like she should be singing in a choir. Jaslene is picture-perfect week after week, but of course they bring up the personality thing. Britney is "always on the verge of model teardroplets." Felicia has soaked up the style of the music videos she watches, when instead she should be watching "America’s Next Top Model." Yes, to soak up the wisdom and talent that is past winners Naima and Nicole and … that other brown-haired one, and that other blonde one.Brittany gets called first, followed by the required Angry Renee shot. Then Jael — I can’t believe they don’t give her crap about her skirt and boots combo. And everyone else except for Diana and Cassandra.I think the other girls already know who’s going home. Whitney’s already crying. Tyra says, "Who goes home, the pretty girl, or the girl with the heart of gold?"Uh, duh.Even Renee cries when Cassandra is ousted. She says in her interview she "needs more mirror time," one of my favorite "ANTM" phrases of all time.Next week: Apparently the girls are dressed for Mummenschanz.

It’s the closest thing most women might get to having a designer make an outfit just for them. Neiman Marcus asked fashion designers to create a dress available only at the luxury retailer’s Hip Event, and some of the country

Jewelry designers Miachelle DePiano (of Cosmopolitan Accessories) and Audrey Thacker will host a "ladies night" event to show their latest work 5 to 8 p.m. March 23 at Heddenart Gallery, 7134 E. Main St., Scottsdale. There’ll be live models, hors d’oeuvres and wine. And art on the walls, of course, too. Want an invitation? E-mail DePiano at cosmoaccessories@cox.net or shoot an RSVP message to christie@heddenart.com.

I thought I had my vacation plans all worked out: Leave Thursday morning, stay through Tuesday, which would give me enough time Wednesday to (a) pack, and (b) watch and recap "America’s Next Top Model."And then when I looked at my boss’s calendar, which had my vacation days as Wednesday through Monday instead, I said, "No, that’s wrong." She said, "Are you sure? You gave me those dates." So I went home and checked my itinerary, and sure enough, I booked a Wednesday flight.Which means that if plans aren’t made, I’m going to miss my favorite episode of each season of "America’s Next Top Model" — even better than the season finale! That’s right: It’s makeover time!I’m calling my friends right now to make sure they record it. I’ll be able to recap it from D.C. ("What did you do on your vacation to the nation’s capital?" "Watched a reality show with Tyra Banks and spent three hours recapping it on my work blog.")I won’t, however, be able to post photos until after I get back!

Sadly, that F does not stand for Tyra’s favorite word, "fierce" (click on the word to see a video of her preferred method of delivery) but instead for failing to be a floozy and feeling herself up during a fotophoto shoot, and flunking out of episode two of "America’s Next Top Model."

Speaking of sad, this week’s "back to school" themed episode also included the "Tyra’s black roots" motif (ethnic, not hair) which means guest judge was Roy Campbell — but not a single, flaming sign of the Aswirl Twins. I want my money back.But before the recap begins: My co-worker Christina and her boyfriend wrote down their picks for the Top 3 and put them away for future reference, which I think is kind of a cool idea. Who do you think will make the top three? (Post it in comments below.) I’d pick Felicia because of her photos so far; Brittany because the judges seem to love her, which I just don’t get; and Jaslene, just because I want her to stick around as long as possible.

"You got an F" reminds me of one of the "Unpimp Your Auto" VW ads (featuring Peter Stormare) with Helga — wouldn’t that character make a great guest judge? Her accent can’t be any worse than Natasha’s.

Confession time: I slept through the first few minutes of the show — I surmise that J. Alexander and Roy schooled the girls in runway walk. Luckily, I tuned in right as they learned their big challenge: A fashion show! But wait: It’s in a high school gym. And the theme is prom fashions. In front of a crowd that I think is the same one from last week’s Goodwill challenge, only with a few extra kids tossed in — some teenagers, some like 8 or 9 years old. Seriously, how low can this show sink?

Well, there’s a little bit lower: The outfits are either "modern contemporary" prom (as opposed to the "past contemporary"); the "80s prom" and the "ghetto fabulous" prom. All of the dresses are BEYOND ugly. (Translated: They found ‘em last week at Goodwill.) Seriously, it’s the sort of thing that leaves me chomping at the bit for the CW to post their photos too see how they’ll try to salvage this one.

Also awesome: There’s some backstage manager screaming at the girls: "MOVE IT! MOVE IT! MOVE IT!" Do you think it’s because (a) it’s a professional-quality show with an important crowd filled with VIPs (see above), or (b) because they only had the gym until 3 p.m., when the freshman basketball squad had a scrimmage?

Sarah’s boob keeps … well, I wouldn’t say "popping out," since it doesn’t appear to be much to start with, so instead I’ll say "appearing," because I think the dress keeps moving over to the side. For some reason she doesn’t think it’s a good idea to cover herself up in front of the kids and moms at the show — I bet they told her that wasn’t the way they did things back at her Chanel fashion show in Cleveland in her 5 1/2-inch heels! Roy says: "This is a runway fashion show, not sex education."

Apparently "This is a runway fashion show, not …" is the new "This is ‘America’s Next Top Model,’ not …" because Roy also says, "This is a runway fashion show, not bumper cars" when discussing how the girls can’t keep up on their choreography. Only he pronounces it "car-ography." It makes me want to see them driving little Shriner buggies. With the fezzes.

Brittany somehow wins this challenge, which gets her … a trophy that has a gold-painted shoe on top and her name stuck on with one of those nametags that I think was on someone’s belt buckle. I bet if you peeled that off, you’d see they broke into the school’s trophy case and stole like an old wrestling trophy and snapped off the figurine at the top — cavity search for J. Alexander! — and replaced it with a spray-painted pump they also grabbed at Goodwill. Remember when the prize used to be something worth working toward, like necklaces or a print ad?

I’d also like take a moment to hate on Sarah for calling it a "ridonkulously big" trophy, and for being all, "Ooh, I looove this eye shadow!" during the prom fashion show setup because she knows it’ll get her two seconds of product-placement screen time.

And Natasha needs to be introduced to the American product known as blotting paper or pressed powder, because Yakov Smirnoff looks like she dunked her face in Wesson, it’s so shiny.

Roy does not like Jaslene at all, which kind of crushes her. (Roy also hates Renee, which I don’t quite understand, since she seemed to be pretty good to me — even if she is a bee-yotch at home and in interviews, when she was on the runway she had good interactivity with the crowd.) When the girls get home Jaslene is grumpy and Felicia starts mocking her, and you can tell she thinks she’s out of earshot, because really, would YOU taunt the animals at the zoo, even if they’re really skinny? You know if Jaslene gets snapped out of that zen haze, she’s going to eff you up good.

And sure enough, Jaslene decides to confront Felicia — yay, Jaslene! — and says, pretty much, "C’mon and say that to my face." (But in a much nicer way — did she go through Miss Congeniality lessons?) Felicia is all, "Huh?" and Jaslene (facade cracking) says, "You come in here, talking all that smack…" Felicia hides behind Whitney — sure, use the plus-size girl as a shield! — and starts babbling about how she’s not the only one who thinks blah blah blah.

Jaslene ends up on the phone, crying, with her mom, who being the naturally supportive type says, "You’re not being strong right now." And Jaslene says, really sadly, "Mom, can’t I even cry to you?" It makes me want her to win.

Some of the girls outside can see Jaslene crying, because the confessional phone booth is (handy!) just a clear glass box. And while some of them feel bad — you know Brittany’s like, "No! You can have my trophy! Really!" — Renee cannot wipe that smug smirk off her face. She really is not happy unless everyone else is miserable.

For "My Life as a Cover Girl," CariDee goes to a fitting for a Heatherette show. Where she’ll … sit in the audience. Not model. Next week: I film a commercial that shows my clothing selection process for going to work and scrolling through the wire at my desk and downloading photos from last week’s Paris fashion shows.

Natasha gets to read the TyraMail, and it’s only partly because of her accent that nobody gets it: "I’m so glad we’re BFFs. Don’t forget to KIT." Finally I think it’s Whitney who points out "KIT" stands for "keep in touch." Regardless, this helps nobody decipher the message. Have you seen the McSweeney’s parody of Tyra Mails?

It turns out, keeping with the high school theme, they’ll be posing as … well, Jay Manuel refers to them as "You know those awards they give out at the end of the year? Those are called high school cliches." I thought they were called "awards they give out at the end of the year," or "The Best List." And as fate would have it, in high school I won one of the categories that will be portrayed in this episode (along with "best dressed" and "biggest Ken," a dig at people obsessed with their appearance). Did I mention my 20-year high school reunion is this year? And that of the three main organizers, one married my next-door neighbor, one married my sister’s ex-husband and one bought the house I lived in from my parents? The joy of small-town living.

But anyway. Herbal Essences is totally great!

As we see Jael posing as "The Nerd," she interviews, "This is something I totally would wear." While she says this, she is wearing her own clothing, which involves a baby-tight tee with a men’s tie screenprinted on it, a la the tuxedo T-shirt. Who is she kidding? That little shirt with the raccoon on it is totally cuter than her real clothes. She does like the glasses, though: They’d help her unleash the "nerd inside my soul." (Apparently he doesn’t help with her vocabulary or diction.) She does much better than last week with the shoot, though, positioning her body well.

Sarah is "The Class Flirt." Just like all high-school relationships, it starts light and snowballs into something more: Soon she’s sucking on her fingers and pencils, having morphed from "Flirt" into "Orally Fixated Girl."

Dionne is "The Bad Girl," and although she’s working the same desk/chalkboard set that Jael does, she takes it even further. "I could’ve done some slutty things," she says. Don’t say, do! Do it! Do it!

Cassandra decides to examine the character that dwells within "The Cheerleader," and comes up with an interesting choice: She’s bored and would rather be somewhere else than at a photo shoot. Unfortunately, she is unable to translate that "meta" into her photo, and rather than looking like a cheerleader who would rather be somewhere else than at a photo shoot, she looks like a girl dressed up like a cheerleader who can’t even work up the energy to lift a pom-pom.

Renee is peeved about her "Class Clown" character — "Why can’t I get something I’m good at?" Maybe because "Erratically Seesawing Between Crying Jags and Schadenfraude" hasn’t made it into the pantheon of cliches yet. Her outfit is ludicrous, but near the end of her shoot she’s got some good stuff.

Samantha is "The Girl With the Bad Reputation," which means she’s dressed equal parts like Britney Spears and a hooker. She is profoundly uncomfortable with this, and it doesn’t help that Jay Manuel urges her to think about cheating on her boyfriend (because it worked so well for Nnenna that one time!) and to … masturbate. Well, we don’t know what he says, because it’s bleeped. It’s enough to shock her, though, and it’s kind of funny that Jay says, "What? Everyone does it!" so although everyone does it, you’re not allowed to say it on the CW. And this is the network that’s showing the search for the next Pussycat Doll, so that’s something. Although Samantha is cute, this shoot makes her nose look like Tony Danza’s. Almost as big as her eyebrows.

Meanwhile Renee, watching nearby, is having a meltdown: "It’s easy to be sexy!" she sobs while nervously sliding her fingers around the holes in the chain-link fence.

Brittany is "The Valedictorian." Meh. I don’t get the glorious praise heaped on her.

Whitney is "The Mean Girl." They’ve given her drag-queen levels of makeup. She can cock a mean eyebrow, though.

Diana is "Student Body President," but they’ve dressed her like French Secretary or something. She underwhelms again.

As "The Jock," Felicia gets a Lisa Lopes-style black spot under one eye. Did they start playing team basketball outside? Her face looks great but her limbs look a little odd when she’s jumping for the photos.

Jaslene is "The Weird Girl," and does a great Marilyn Manson/Ally Sheedy combo — her body language is great, she looks sullen and striking. Jay cannot say enough good things about her, which drives Renee insane. "If I got more feedback, I’d be more confident," she cries.

Natasha says she does not understand the, how-you-say? "Teacher’s Pet"? Does Jay want it to be … sexy? I think she really does try to figure it out — and really, how hard is it for someone to say, "You try way too hard to be the one the teachers like best, which makes the other students hate you" to give her a reference point? — but really, I think even if she understood, she probably would’ve turned in the same photo. She’s got two mindsets: "I make sexy photo!" and "Off."

I do empathize with her, though, after she’s done when she says, "I feel like I’m failing because I don’t speak basic words." I have to wonder what it would be like to, say, try to make it through a day if I were suddenly in Spain — even though I’ve got a minor in Spanish, I can’t even make it through an issue of People en espanol without catching myself reading with my lips moving. One time I had to ask one of the employees at the Subway near our office what a particular word meant, and it took all my strength to screw up the courage because that word appeared on a caption of a Jennifer Lopez photo, and not only did it mean I didn’t know what "pereza" meant (answer: laziness), it meant I had to show them I was reading an article about Jennifer Lopez. In People. En espanol. I hereby take back that Yakov Smirnoff crack and replace it with Natasha Fatale: Same first name, vaguely the same accent.

Jael runs around the house naked (and wearing a wig — a Tyra castoff?). This unnerves Samantha.

Judging! Tyra’s got her same long weave on, only covered with some blue half-snood thing. And a babydoll dress that’s too short, and over-the-knee black boots. Oh, Tyra. She announces that (unlike her) the girls look great — that’ll change next week with makeovers, no doubt! — and that J. Alexander is wearing two ruffles this week, and will add another one each week when a girl is voted off. Didn’t he do this tired schtick with flowers last time? He already looks like he ripped off part of Renee’s class clown uniform — the Pierrot collar part. Also, I’m just saying: This.

High/lowlights:

They love Brittany’s photo, although I look it and think: Man, her hair looks greasy. They say Felicia is graceful and, when they’re alone, Tyra does a whole "this photo is FIERCE/she doesn’t look like me" riff.

Jaslene cries and tattles that the other girls are making fun of her. They tell her to suck it up. Her photo is incredible.

When she’s called, Dionne whispers her "thank you" and it kind of oozes out. Weird.

This week’s "let Tyra tell you how it’s done" is when Whitney says she had to stay on her mark, and Tyra starts off with "I was just photographed for Vanity Fair and my photographer was blah blah blah, and he made me stay in one spot" and then she weaves all over the place with big scary fake-modeling eyes, and then concludes with "You can’t use the mark as an excuse."

Tyra also tells Natasha she needs "Novacaine mouth" — stop pursing her lips to look sexy, and then reads off that Jay Manuel said Natasha’s was the hardest shoot in Top Model history, even harder than Ann. (I suggest that it’s because his instructions such as, "It’s like, bam, bam, BAM!" aren’t even helpful to native English speakers, let alone ESL girls.)

And then something awesome happens: Natasha says, "Yes, I remember Ann. She was one of the most beautiful girls." Now, you could argue that she didn’t get the point — that Jay thought Ann was hard to direct (although Ann is one of the few "ANTM" alumna to actually go onto a real modeling jobs, so small orange man can bite it) — but when she said it, I thought: "Damn, that is an AWESOME redirect." If she had uttered it during paparazzi-interview-challenge week ("never say mean things about the other girls"), she would get an A+. Of course, they make fun of her instead.

It’s a bad week for glamorously-three-syllable-named girls: Samantha and Natasha are the last two without photos. And when Natasha’s name is called, Samantha just makes an adorable little squishy face, like she missed a shot at mini-golf. You know the worst thing that popped into her head is, "Rats!"

Tyra spends about a minute giving advice to Natasha, and you know Natasha doesn’t understand a single word Tyra’s saying.

Tyra says maybe Samantha is too green, too young, and as she packs up her belongings and says "God has a plan for me," and rolls away with her adorable little pink carry-on that any 12-year-old would be proud to own, I think damn, Tyra just might be right for once. (She’d still need a different nose, though, too.)

Next week: Makeovers! From the promos, Jael’s hair is dark and Renee gets a cut, but nothing too severe.

(I’m referring to the skin and body care line, not the discipline of thought.)

A few weeks back in my Great Stuff column I mentioned the new(ish) Sweet Coconut Milk salt scrub from Valley-based skin care line Philosophy: It, like most of the Philosophy scrubs, is designed to be used in the shower but on dry skin for maximum exfoliation.

Now I’ve got one full-size product to give away to a reader. Instructions after the jump…To enter, click on this link (which should pop up a new e-mail window) and send me a message with your name and mailing address — and the subject line COCONUT — by Tuesday, March 14. I’ll post the winner the next day.Update: Congratulations to Elaine Lessell of Scottsdale, the reader whose entry was drawn to win. Keep your eye out for more free stuff.