On this episode of "America’s Next Top Model," the girls learn what not to wear from the director of Elite Models and one of her model minions. Then twin male models challenge them to find the hottest trends at Sears, and Sarah reaps the reward from (and takes credit for) Dionne’s work. There’s bad spelling, gender subversion and Tyra finally loses the head wrap … but clever viewers knew Diana was going home before the first commercial break.How, you may ask? Let me consult my notes from about 5 minutes into the show: "Diana complains about gross tuna. She and Whitney have a ‘lose 10 lbs.’ thing. Whitney says, ‘Having her around is easier.’ (Diana’s gone.)"Remember last episode, when Jael said Felicia was great? Remember last episode, when Felicia got kicked off? Remember the week before, when they praised Cassandra for being so kind to everyone? Remember the week before, when Cassandra got the boot? Today’s rule: Don’t let anyone praise you on "ANTM."Instead, take a page from Natasha’s book: Let them gossip about your marriage to a man twice your age (which is very "mail-order bride," I will admit) while you coo "would you be gentle?" and meow — no, literally — into the phone and accidentally push the wrong buttons (no, again, literally). Because it seems to do wonders for her performance.The girls trot out in front of Cathy Gould, director of Elite, and Claudia Mason, who’s been a model for years and years (and, I noticed tonight, has a wonky eye), who tell them how important it is to know how to dress. (Dionne. Who admits that last week the judges "chewed my ass OUT. I was shocked as HAIL.") The Elitists trick out the girls — accent on the word "trick," because it turns out they’re walking examples of how not to dress. Dionne — who I’ve decided should be the narrator for every episode — says, "Oh, snap! We were looking kind of jacked up and busted." Then they make the girls switch clothing and explain that, for example, that big-ass necklace makes plus-size Whitney look like she has no neck. So, naturally, they have her hand it over to… plus-size Diana. Perfect! No, wait. Confusing! Perfectly confusing!So it makes perfect sense they end up at … Sears, with the least-convincing store mannequins ever. Unless you’re Renee: "Those are really realistic mannequins." No, they’re not — they’re Lawrence Zarian and his twin brother, Gregory! Poor Lawrence: Just like in Cycle 6, he gets stuck doing the Sears challenge — only this time there’s not even a photo shoot involved, just a challenge.The girls are divided up into groups of three to take the "hottest trends from Sears" and create a tableau vivant — OK, so they don’t use that exact phrase, but they have to dress real pretty and decorate their platform, too. (Dionne, upon learning she’s teamed with Sarah and Renee: "Mmmmmm. Sarah, and Renee," in a tone that helps you imagine her neck a-cranin’ and her finger a-waggin’ and her nose turned up in distaste.) And they have only 20 minutes to do so, be in a pose and on the platform or they’ll be disqualified, a point that Lawrence makes with such ominous music playing in the background that you know someone’s going to mess up. And in this case, it’s Whitney who proves that an Ivy League education doesn’t include comprehension skills.As Jael paints the banner for her team, she spells the Greek goddess of love "Aphrodity" instead of "Aphrodite." When one of the twins points out it’s misspelled, Natasha, who has a history of taking the negatives and interpreting them as positives, says that no, when you take a name, you have the right to spell it however you want. (Someone calls her "the used car salesman of ANTM," which is kind of true).Natasha also urges Whitney to get her plus-sized butt up on the platform and Whitney, all "I’m not listening to that crazy Russky," keeps it planted on the floor instead — which gets her team disqualified from the contest. What also stinks (for Whitney specifically) is that she would have been chosen as the best individual. But instead it goes to … Sarah, for picking clothing that flatters her body type and skin coloring perfectly.Oh, wait: That was Dionne who picked out the clothing, while Sarah pranced around picking up big flowers and other random objects and eventually realized she’s not dressed and kept asking, "Which outfit is mine? Which outfit is mine?" And instead of owning up, Sarah’s all, "I saw the blue–" like she selected it herself. Dionne shoots her the devil eyeballs, but Sarah keeps the prize: After the photo shoot, she gets to look at the proofs and then redo it.Natasha’s mad that nobody listens to her. (Maybe it’s that they can’t understand her?) But they’re happy to cast aspersions on her marriage! Whitney points out Natasha doesn’t wear a wedding ring. Meanwhile, she’s been boning up on her fashion by studying poses in magazines.Off to the shoot! The girls style themselves for a "very sleek" shoot, but Jay Manuel says they’re a mess. "You need some help in the style department," he says, and brings in the male models. Only the male models are — wait for it! — drag queens! The girls will be boys, and boys will be girls. As always, click on the thumbnail to make the full-size photo pop up in a new window. "My date’s getting her hair did," says "Nautical" Jaslene. She looks pretty scraggly as a guy.It’s clear that "Outdoorsy" is code for "White Trash," so Brittany’s Georgia accent comes in handy when she says, "I shoot deers." Her co-model is so … vigorous and touchy that everyone laughs. And has hands like catcher’s mitts. Also, Jay Manuel giggles like a girl.Renee is "Glam Rock." Jay teaches her to clench her jaw to make man jawbones. As "Bohemian Man," Jael says something along these lines: "If I allow my soul to be captured in a photograph, I’m actually allowing myself to turn inside out." I am not sure if Jael is saying this as Jael — really, would it be that surprising? — or as Bohemian Man. Someone says Jael looks like a crackhead. She definitely talks like one, or as a "cuckoo crazy Cocoa Puff," if you will.Dionne is a member of the "Power Couple." Jay chastises her for standing still. On the other hand, you’ve given the woman a suit and no props or accessories. Everyone else has hats or crazy jackets or, in Jael’s case, glasses AND love beads AND a vest AND bell-bottoms AND everything else stereotypical about the ’60s. Also, it’s nice to see Pete Burns from Dead or Alive still getting work. ..Sarah is a "Rocker." She gets to look at her first 60 images and go back and redo it. "This exercise may have saved you," Jay says. Cue Renee complaining about how Sarah didn’t deserve it. "If I was Dionne, I would be as pissed as hell," she says. Whitney is "Collegiate," which gives her another opportunity to bring up her Ivy League education. (To which I say: "On the podium or you’re disqualified.") She’s … meh. With the worst, fakest eyebrows ever.Natasha is "Hip-Hop," which reminds me of the time Shandi was Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore, because it’s one of the more fun shoots. As my new favorite narrator says, Natasha is "bringing her A-game." She even put gum-wrapper foil on her teeth to look like a grill. Everyone loves her shoot, and she says, "It’s great when positive people are around you."Diana is "Red Carpet," which … what the? Again, all she’s got to work with is a suit. It’s not like she could be "Paparazzi-Avoiding" or anything. Jay warns that the drag queen is outshining Diana, and asks her why she wants to be America’s Next Top Model. "Just cuz," she says. (Might I suggest a little self-reflection?)Whitney urges Diana needs to buck up, because "everyone wants to illegitimize" (thanks again, Dartmouth!) the plus-size girls — followed up with a helpful shot of trash-talking Renee. Does she do nothing but lurk in doorways?Time for judging! Tyra has lost her head wrap, and has a smooth sleek bang and bun. (That sounds kind of dirty!) She’s also wearing a black turtleneck under what looks to be a gray flannel jumper. We never see a head-to-toe shot of her — even when she’s handing out the photos — so I can only tell you that she looked cute from the waist up, although I suspect the heavy jumper makes her look a bit chunkier than she would have liked. Guest judge is Cathy Gould, who for the purposes of this episode provides absolutely no help or useful opinion.Dionne’s shot is "amazing," despite what Jay said. I notice she’s sort of morphing into Eva Pigford (or whatever her new last name is). Also, I wonder if they photoshopped her nostrils to be that big, because I never noticed them before. Jaslene makes it look "effortless" but Tyra says her giant red-and-leopard print belt is like having "a guitar around your waist."Deliberations: Diana is boring and bland, which is pretty harsh words from Twiggy. Jael’s picture is "the worst of the bunch," which is a surprise."If she came in for an open call," Cathy says, "I’d just say, ‘Next.’ " Really, which of these girls would this not apply to?Everyone gets a photo — Natasha first this week — but Whitney and Diana. When Whitney gets the photo, she cries more than Diana does, which is fitting since they’ve always dogged Diana for not being able to show emotion in photos. Jael goes running over to hug her goodbye, while Renee just kind of stands there.Next week: 50 Cent and Paris effing Hilton.

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