ANTM 8.3: Pretty important

March 16th, 2007, 3:42 pm · 2 Comments · posted by Sam Mittelsteadt

This week, Tyra and crew reach the startling conclusion that "pretty on the inside" just isn’t enough for a model, and send home the most rational (-seeming) girl. But really it’s for the best: They’d already cut Cassandra’s most interesting feature — that wig she’d sewn into her real hair — earlier in the episode during MAKEOVERS!Apparently Frederic Fekkai had enough backtalk from wannabe models, because the salon owner responsible for this year’s transformations is Neeko, who apparently got the job because he worked with Tyra back when she was 17 and, thus, has blackmail photos or something.Tyra comes wandering out inexplicably wearing pajamas and curlers and vaguely groggy, like she’s been sleeping it off in the back room or something. She proceeds to lay out the plans for each of the girls, and then in a bit of low theater, they pretend to cut off part of her weave while she wails and crawls along the floor in a way that recalls her fake-diva histrionics from a few seasons back. Only this time she’s not trying to overact, she just IS overacting.Onto the cuts: Cassandra’s wig is being cut out and replaced by real afro-style extensions. Also on the extension train: Brittany, who’s going curly and red; Jael, who’s going long and brown. Diana’s blonde hair has a few tracks to add volume, and so does Jaslene’s new shorter ‘do. Felicia gets heavy bangs that make her face look very round. Dionne’s going as short as Kelis; hopefully Tyra won’t take future inspiration from the singer’s recent choice in hairstyle or behavior. Renee’s cut is a little edgier and really makes me notice her eyebrows, which frankly could use a little taming. Whitney’s new mane is luxurious; Natasha’s dark blunt bob makes her look more than a little like Cleopatra. Sarah’s cut is honed and her color is darkened.There’s a moment where J. Alexander decides he wants a makeover, too. It’s annoying. He gets a relaxer treatment, apparently, and looks just as annoying.Jael says, "I have to be wilder inside to make sure that nobody mistakens my normal hair for a normal attitude." That’s right: "mistakens." I think there’s no danger of that.Diana says that Brittany is a cryer and whiner. This is the first mention we’ve heard of it.After Jael spends 8 hours getting her tracks put in — the braids, the glue, the extensions — Jay Manuel walks over and says they’ve decided to take the whole thing out because it doesn’t look very good. About the only thing they can do now is give her a Mia Farrow haircut; she is the first one to cry this episode, and it doesn’t help that J. Alexander tells her, "You have to work extra hard now that you don’t have any hair on your head." Nice. Renee grins while she tells us this; the other girls are more sympathetic. Brittany’s weave hurts a lot. The way she’s crying and complaining apparently the procedure involved acid and sandpaper and bamboo shoots under the fingernails.Natasha gets to read this week’s first Tyra mail — apparently they forgot about last week’s debacle when her accent made it impossible to understand what she was saying. It involves a makeup challenge. Also, her hair looks bad when the bangs develop an inadvertent part.Diana starts talking bad about Brittany’s crybaby attitude. "I’m so sick of it already," she says. Whitney takes it a level higher, telling Brittany that other people cry because their boyfriend just got shot. "I slapped her up and gave her the deuces," she says. Whitney, you are from WEST PALM BEACH, which makes Paradise Valley look poor. What in the hell are you talking about?Jael learns her friend overdosed of drugs and has a Jael-style breakdown. "This is the worst thing I could possibly hear in the whole universe," she says. Really sort of an overstatement. Wouldn’t this sort of thing come with the territory as a band manager?Long story short for this week’s challenge: Brittany says she feels sick. Renee tries to get her to skip it. It involves makeup. Cassandra gets disqualified for getting caught up in some rosebushes and not making it back in time. Despite her illness Brittany wins because she "used the colors and blended them." However, after only one day, her hair already looks a hot stringy mess. This would not seem to be difficult, but looking at some of the other girls. … They ask Whitney if she’s even applied any makeup.The prize is a shoot for "Seventeen." Jael says she thinks Brittany rocks and the other girls are jealous. Cut to Renee, of course: "Brittany does not stand out for me at all," she says, watching Brittany at her prize shoot.Diana reads the next Tyra mail. It involves sundaes not being a day of rest. Sure, give the big girl the message about ice cream…But then again, she’s not very sweet on her own: She’s outside talking smack about Brittany with — who else? — Renee. Have you noticed Renee has like one friend per episode? During the first one it was Jael, but by the end Jael said she was tired of it; then it was … who? Anyway, now she’s onto Diana. It’s like each one gives her a chance, then realizes how negative and backstabby she is and drops her.Brittany decides to confront Renee and says, "The walls in a house full of women are like paper thin." Very zen! It makes me wish she had instead performed her confrontation in haiku. Renee says, "I’ve been nothing but nice to you, genuine to you." Man, is she delusional, or perhaps amnesiac? It all ends with Brittany saying she has nothing more to say to her. (Well, she does, as we’ll see in a moment.) Renee says that Brittany acts like she’s still in high school — ooh, caustic! — and Brittany’s going to let it slide but … can’t. "I’m still kicking your ass in this competition," she says as Renee walks inside. Renee flips her the bird.Jael is still emotional, soaking in the pool with yet another cigarette. Brittany is nearby, and we cut to Diana and Renee nearby, complete with Evildoer "dun-dun-DUN" music. Renee swears she’ll knock Brittany on her ass one of these times. "I can’t stand the b—- either," Diana says. "What (Jael) doesn’t need is a bunch of fake b—-es hangng around trying to be her friend," says — remember this — Renee.It turns out the girls will pose nude in an ice-cream style shoot. Each girl will be themed around a kind of candy. Brittany isn’t pleased about the nekkid but says she’ll deal. Cassandra — hey, remember her? — tries to make sexy faces for her Jellybean shoot but her eyes are squinty and she has a snarly nose.Brittany: "My hands are not going to react well" with the cold ice cream. Felicia, in an awesome "no-duh" moment: "Nobody’s hand is."Sarah makes "rowhr!" face for her shoot to much greater success than Cassandra. Dionne, in her Candy Cane shoot, tells Jay Manuel she thinks she’s more comfortable naked. The gay guy is not thrilled. Brittany’s painted yellow for her Banana Split shoot. She does obscene things with a maraschino cherry and rocks the shoot. There’s a lot of cutting to an angry-looking Renee.Jay says Diana "needs a little mirror time" because she doesn’t know what to do with her big body. I would say that’s mean, but it’s also true.Renee is Candy Necklace, which finally gives her a chance to be all fierce like she’s been begging. The results are middling. Whitney says she’s a chocolate goddess during her Chocolate Kiss shoot. Jael does great at her Birthday Cake shoot, too, and it’s nice to see shots of the other girls telling her as such. Felicia is OK at her Lollipop shoot. Jaslene is — stereotype alert — dulce de leche. Natasha is burlesque-ish at her Gumballs shoot, but you can see concentration all over her face. And big giant lips, too. Observer Sarah says Natasha looks like Kate Moss and Renee, making friends and influencing people, says, "No she doesn’t. Do you even know what Kate Moss looks like?" Sarah shoots her a look that makes me suspect we won’t see a very special episode with a Sarah-Renee friendship.Cassandra says she worries that her disqualification at the challenge will hurt her. Jael worries about lackluster performance … and we see a shot of Renee crouched near her bed, ready to pounce on her for some fake-b—- friendship.Judging! Tyra’s got another head wrap and curly weave, so apparently that cut at the beginning of the episode was … fake? My god! I’m so disillusioned!Jael says despite her grief and tears, she’s there to be professional and be a model, which made me think she was kind of great there for a moment. And Tyra takes a moment to remind the world how generous she is by saying her heart goes out to her, and the girl’s friends and family, and also anyone who went to grade school with her, or maybe drove by her in a car. Jael says she’d like to dedicate this photo to her girlfriend, which loses all the goodwill she just garnered.Felicia shimmies up with a little dance move that is not appreciated by panel. Tyra tells her her outfit is "way too video" and advises Felicia should instead have worn stilettos and a tank top,and she should kick off her sneakers. (Barefoot: Much better!)They tell Natasha she’s dressed too spangly — or as J. Alexander says, "shing shing shingaling." Yes, that will be easily translated into Russian. Helpful!Tyra’s first "I would have done it much better" moment comes in Whitney’s judging. Brittany’s weave troubles earn sympathy from Tyra, of course. She says Brittany is doing "the black girl pat" to assuage the pain. Her photo is great — but I notice that they’ve painstakingly removed all hints of the yellow that was so vibrant in her shoot. Tyra says there were "no negatives" in her shoot — not meaning that there are no negatives because they’re shooting on digital now, but that Brittany does a great job. This is of course followed up by a shot of an angry Renee.Cassandra’s photo is received by stony silence. I’m surprised there weren’t cricket noises added in just for effect. They tell her she’s "continuing to lose" her pretty. That really implies there was some pretty to start with, doesn’t it? And it doesn’t bode well, either.Renee gets praise for part of her photos but her eyes aren’t very intense — they’re not as Tyra says, "burrrrning." Maybe she should pretend Brittany is the photographer.Dionne is excoriated: Her clothing is "beyond mall." Tyra instructs her to "take your earrings off, take your belt off, take your shoes off." (What is her fascination with barefoot girls?) Then, deciding that’s not enough, Tyra insists Dionne even take "the brown thing" off — her baby tee is apparently so ugly Tyra cannot refer to it by name. She furthers the judging by saying she wishes Dionne’s jeans were longer. I would have said, "I wish you would cut me some slack, but it looks like that’s not going to happen, either."They tell Diana (and, earlier, Natasha) that they needed to let their hair down so viewers can see their transformation. However J. Alexander is allowed to keep his pulled back?Awesome moment: Tyra says, "Why do you think you’re so introverted?" Diana’s respose, "Well, I don’t know." And nothing else. I’m telling you, a little money for a cricket-noises effect would pay back in spades! "Well," Tyra says, a little snippy and taken aback, "maybe some self-reflection." Yes, because what you want the introverted girl to do is take a little more time for self-reflection. That will help a lot!More Tyra wisdom: She castigates Jasleen for having "so much earrings" and tells her to take them out. Then she starts in on how "culture is beautiful. It’s important to bring that to panel." Yes, Jasleen — bring your culture and personality to panel, but just not in earring form, apparently.Deliberations: Renee has "flirty eyes." Whitney looks like she should be singing in a choir. Jaslene is picture-perfect week after week, but of course they bring up the personality thing. Britney is "always on the verge of model teardroplets." Felicia has soaked up the style of the music videos she watches, when instead she should be watching "America’s Next Top Model." Yes, to soak up the wisdom and talent that is past winners Naima and Nicole and … that other brown-haired one, and that other blonde one.Brittany gets called first, followed by the required Angry Renee shot. Then Jael — I can’t believe they don’t give her crap about her skirt and boots combo. And everyone else except for Diana and Cassandra.I think the other girls already know who’s going home. Whitney’s already crying. Tyra says, "Who goes home, the pretty girl, or the girl with the heart of gold?"Uh, duh.Even Renee cries when Cassandra is ousted. She says in her interview she "needs more mirror time," one of my favorite "ANTM" phrases of all time.Next week: Apparently the girls are dressed for Mummenschanz.