I read in one of my trashy tabloid magazines — it must have been Us Weekly — that KATE WINSLET got her hair lightened to go with her dress. But when I look at the Valentino gown, I think: "Really?" The cut and drape is nice, but the color isn’t very flattering.

Think a costume designer isn’t important? Well, look at "Casino Royale" actress without one:

She looks like she mugged a mummy for that dress. Now look at her with one.

As the women at Go Fug Yourself say in their highest compliments: "Well-played." (It’s Christian Lacroix.)

My friend Funny Michael text-messaged me during the ceremony: "JODIE FOSTER not in Armani? That’s a news story." I could have done without the drape in the front of her Vera Wang gown, and the shoulder straps should have been a little wider.

And, now in ascending order of acceptance, the tuxedos:

Bad: EDDIE MURPHY. His suit makes him look like he should be an waiter at the Oscars, not a nominee. (Also: wrinkled jacket.)

Tolerable: LEONARD DICAPRIO. Still not quite right — the cut is very boxy, and he looks incredibly uncomfortable in it. … OK: CLIVE OWEN. The all-black thing is OK, but not formal enough. Where’s the tie?

Good: DJIMON HOUNSOU. Sharp, but would I wear it? Probably not — it’s a little too "look at me!" Without the trim, it’d make a sharp suit, though.

Best: MARK WAHLBERG, DANIEL CRAIG. You never go wrong in a classic tuxedo. Wahlberg should take his sunglasses out of the pocket, though. That’s why his wife has a handbag.

What, no House of Dereon? BEYONCE instead showed up in Armani … and, as you would expect from a diva, apparently her own wind machine. She did change into a better outfit later to perform …

Let’s start with: Imagine how this would look in high-def. …

Anyway. I’m kind of torn about this Versace dress. Sometimes it looks OK — and that’s damning with faint praise — and then I see another photo that makes me say, "What?!"

That photo appears after the jump.See what I mean? It’s like, how many birds had to die for that godawful skirt?

This rotten-apricot-colored Zac Posen dress is a mess: Too many lines going too many directions, too tight across the hips … the hair looks nice, though.

It’s hard for me to find anything to harp on here. Maybe that fabric could be lined a little better up top? Look how much better it looks on a woman with curves than it did during the Oscar de la Renta fashion show last month in New York …

So, it’s kind of awesome and kind of expected that MERYL STREEP would wear something Prada to the Oscars — the black coat is theirs. I didn’t really expect her to accessorize it with jewelry that makes her look like an elementary school art teacher trying really, really hard to look "creative."