The good news: I don’t have to worry about the powers that be shearing KATHLEEN like a sheep during makeover week.

The bad news: That’s because she got booted off on the very first episode of "America’s Next Top Model" — a victim of being, apparently, very, very stupid (the concept of "anti-fur" seemed to boggle her), even if she was the sweetest girl I have ever seen from Brooklyn. (How can you not love someone who says that each of the girls "has their own beautifulness"?)

But first, dozens of girls get cut — including Kiely from Baltimore, who presages her own doom by telling us, "If I don’t make it, I’m gonna have to start selling my body on the street!" We’re not told if she stayed in L.A. and started working Hollywood and Vine, or waited till she got back to John Waters territory to start prostituting herself, but she’s not one of the Big 13.Nor is Micheline, who estimates her number of tattoos at 20 and wears a lot of makeup. (Luckily, the search for the next Pussycat Doll starts on the CW next week, and with a bit of Derma-Blend, I think she’s a shoo-in if they’re looking for a newer model of this one.)

Jaslene, who tried out last season and didn’t make the final cut, but this season comes back armed with a flatiron and, apparently, a Thorazine prescription. She’s very calm and collected, not crazy and the object of derisive laughter, which disappoints Tyra and her flanking of GayJays. (Luckily, Jaslene assures us "I’m still spicy.")

During a stupid "Top Model Boot Camp," in which the girls tromp around in booties and camouflage crop pants, we meet Jael, who may be the world’s best mumbling ventriloquist because she talks nonstop without ever actually moving her lips, thwarting any attempts to understand what she’s saying OR read her lips. She seems very nice in a spacey way, although she is dead-on when she points out, "It’s just modeling — we’re not curing cancer here." (This attitude, if not remedied, will get her kicked off quickly.)

Natasha-from-Dallas-but-born-in-Russia points out she, unlike the other girls, she has "a different look. I’m pretty." Only part of that can be blamed on language translation, because she really does consider herself better than the other girls. Natasha was married at 18 — to a 40-year-old and brought her to the United States, where she learned her English. We haven’t learned if she’s a mail-order bride, but I imagine that her husband looks something like this and was ecstatic when he got a glimpse of his wife-to-be. Sure, we all cock our eyebrows, but look how this MayMarch-December marriage turned out!

We get our first hint that not all was right with Kathleen during the personal interviews, when she keeps screaming, "You’re so pretty!" over and over again at Tyra, sometimes interrupting her own sentences. (You know Tyra’s ego overruled Tyra’s editor for this: "Keep that in. She called me pretty!")

Sarah describes herself as "20 going on 26," which is pretty telling: She thinks of herself as being very mature, but really is about as mature as you expect a 20-year-old to be. (Kind of like teens who say, "You know, I’m really into Kerouac. Are you familiar with him?") She tells the other girls she was in a Chanel fashion show "with 5 1/2-inch heels"… in Cleveland, Ohio, and while I don’t doubt maybe she was in a show for maybe a department store and wore some Chanel shoes, that’s not the same as a Chanel fashion show. Natasha, who is endearing herself to nobody quickly, is pleased to point out that Sarah is embellishing.

Cassandra wanted to have big luxurious hair and thus has sown a wig onto her own hair. Tyra acts all outraged, but deep inside you know she’s like, "Damn! I could save thousands a year with this technique! Note to self …"

Here’s when I notice they’re coming outright and asking the girls: "Tell me about your insecurities," which reminds me a bit of the bit on "Nip/Tuck" when the doctors say, "Tell me what you don’t like about yourself." The difference is that when the doctors do it they’re misogynist jerks, but on "ANTM" they’re trying to pretend it’s altruistic or something. It doesn’t work.

There’s the obligatory wacky montage of girls cavorting.

Dionne will NOT SHUT UP, although it’s lightly exasperating and entertaining, not annoying.. At one point she’s talking about how modeling and dentistry are her passions and how when she’s got her hands in someone’s mouth she’s sometimes thinking about being on a set getting her picture taken. (Remind me to cancel my cleaning.) And there’s something about swimming pools but she won’t go beyond 8 feet — and let me tell you, girl, I am right there with you, because there’s something unsettling about not being able to touch the bottom in a pool. I mean, it’s not like you’re diving, you’re just kind of bobbing around, so why bother with 15 feet? Maybe it’s from growing up in a landlocked state, but if I want deep water, I want an ocean. One preferably cleared of sharks, but that’s another phobia.

Renee had a baby seven months ago and apparently sold it to the devil to have a flat stomach so soon after birth. She seesaws between crying about missing her child and criticizing the other girls. She must have skipped class the day they were teaching about aloha and mahalo.

Whitney is plus-size girl #2 ("back home I’m a regular size") and she is adorable. I realize saying this will get her kicked off, but still. I love her.

Jael is crying, too, and here’s a quote: "Oh, wow, OK. I came into this not understanding why I was chosen at all." She may become tiresome fast.

My favorite moment of the episode is when we’re introduced to Felicia, who says she’s from Houston. "Is that why you’ve got Beyonce’s hair color?" Tyra snarks, but Felicia, bless her heart, says without guile that people have been calling her Tyra Jr., and there’s a sudden split-screen moment and damn if girl doesn’t have the exact fivehead and pretty much hair color as Tyra. So who’s copying Beyonce, Ms. Banks? Pot, kettle: You’re black.

They pick 20 girls who have to go get dressed for a party at Marc Ecko.

Micheline, who quit her job to try out, doesn’t make it, and after having experienced too much of Jael’s particular brand of spiritual spaciness, says, "I just wanna go punch her." Imagine being stuck with a really dumb version of Dharma from "Dharma and Greg," and I think that’s Jael.

Then it’s down to the final 13. I realize during interviews that Cassandra has like a giant wall of fake hair. Is her wig made from like 12 Elaines from "Seinfeld"?

They pick two plus-size girls. They act like this is roughly as important as putting a man on the moon.

The first photo shoot is about statements: The girls will pose in a set with different political viewpoints. (Click on the thumbnail to see the whole photo in a new window.)

Poor Kathleen doesn’t understand what it means to be anti-fur. She pesters Jay Manuel and the photographer (Nigel Barker, in a flannel shirt and trainers!) but still can’t figure out what’s going on. She talks a lot about "finding that emotion," but in what will be a recurring theme this episode, her face is dead during her shoot. (Brittany’s pro-fur, front-row-runway-seat photo makes her look like Lypsinka.)

Natasha’s "pro-choice" stance involves standing in front of a brick wall with words scrawled on her stomach. Her face is dead. Jael’s "pro-life" shoot involves being chained to a door. Her face is dead.

Sarah’s supposed to be for life in prison and is chained to a door. She talks about how awesome she did … and her face is dead. (Jaslene, meanwhile, grasps a … cudgel? … and looks striking in her "death penalty" photo.)

As "gay marriage" proponents, Samantha and Whitney pose as lesbians at the altar. Samantha’s got a Natalie Portman vibe going on, but their faces are dead. And the big girl’s in the suit. (Felicia, "for man-woman marriage," poses with a dummy and looks pretty. I give her third place.)

As a "vegan," Dionne’s costume is all vegetables. Her face is dead, and she looks a lot like RuPaul.. As a "meat-eater," Cassandra’s surrounded by burgers and steak and rips apart a chicken. She’s got some energy, but that face! She reminds me of the singer Mya.

In her "anti-gun" shoot, Renee poses all flower-childy. She has one expression: Scared. Diana, the "pro-gun" proponent, gets to dress like Lara Croft. She has the deadest face ever.

After the shoot: Requisite Hummer limo, Tyra mail, big beautiful house.

This episode’s challenge is picking out an outfit at Goodwill in three minutes. What kind of budget does this show have, anyway? Look at the girls above, each with a different reaction. I like to think it’s their reaction to learning they actually have to do a challenge at Goodwill — especially Natasha. She’s thinking, "For this I sleep with old man?" (Also, behind Jaslene is Kathleen’s wall of hair.)

Then they have to do a "charity fashion show," which involves walking down a runway in front of … whoever was in the store at the time, apparently, because there’s like 20 people, half of whom are senior citizens and the rest are either hooded thugs or the women who love them.

Then the "audience" will bid on the outfits, and whoever gets the most wins. I’m thinking the plus-size girls have an advantage because … well, I saw the women in the crowd, and they can’t squeeze into whatever the hell Jaslene cobbles together. But it’s Jael who wins, with the hoochie-mama outfit at left. I shudder to think who bought it.

Between the 13 girls they raise … $286, which is $22 a girl. Now, I haven’t been thrift store shopping in a while, but I think even at thrift store prices you couldn’t walk out with a whole outfit including shoes for $22. I wonder whose clothing didn’t get any bids at all?

I feel sorry for this episode special guest, stylist Philip Bloch, who was the emcee for this disaster. You know he’s fuming, "You know I dressed Halle Berry, right?"

Renee is mad that Jael wants everyone to like her, while Renee hates everyone. Jael tells us, "My relationship with Renee wears me out emotionally." They’ve known each other for one day.

This is when I realize Kathleen is getting an awful lot of screen time, which makes me sad. I savor her non-deep deep thoughts like, "You’re not the judge of you. You may think you’re hot, but does panel think you’re hot, sweetie?" She is talking to herself.

Judging. Tyra’s wearing a head wrap and about seven feet of weave. She keeps talking about how controversial the photo shoot was supposed to be, and how disappointed she was in the lackluster photos. Maybe don’t use up your "big-concept" shoots on a bunch of girls who’ve never been photographed before, stupid.

Starting with the very first photo, Tyra starts showing how she would have done way better for every since shoot, reaching its crescendo with Sarah’s shoot, when Tyra explains how there are two types of lifers in the clink. Yes, please illuminate us with your knowledge of prison archetypes and how they affect modeling poses, won’t you?

Anyway, everyone gets a photo but Kathleen and Jael … and of course the one I like better is sent packing. She leaves with one last Kathleenism:"I’m not gonna go home and sit on my couch like a" — wait for it! — "big couch potato."

But you know, she might be smarter than she let on. She pretended she was just talking about this episode’s challenge, but we know she was talking about the "ANTM" experience in general: "I know I’m gonna have to do something with crap. Not crap literally, but like, something someone else threw away."

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