The finale must have been set in some sort of Bizarro-land, because:

(a) the judges praised Eugena for "smiling with her eyes" on a week her photo made her irises look like big vacant black holes,

(b) CariDee looks about 10 years older than Melrose the whole episode,(c) the voice of reason came from Jay Manuel.So in that context, it makes perfect sense that they’d choose to oust the girl who, as they said, consistently takes beautiful pictures in favor of the girl with a lot of personality. Unfortunately for CariDee, that personality appears to be that of a grade-A beeyotch.On the plus side, this was the first "final walk-off" where the two girls don’t even pretend to like each other before they get around to considering this a competition. Also: rending of garments!I used to love CariDee — so bubbly, so fun! — and hated teacher’s pet Melrose, but somewhere along the way I realized here’s what Melrose was getting slagged for week after week: Taking good photos, and asking other people to pull their own damn weight around the house.Meanwhile, CariDee — well, the term "loose cannon" is bandied about several times during this episode, and although she’s a lot of fun to watch (and, one imagines, drink with) over this "cycle" we’ve watched her devolve from sweetness and light into sourness and dark.Anyway, we start right away with the commercial and still photos for the Cover Girl product, which is some sort of lip gloss. All the girls mess up their lines, of course, but the only one who freaks out is, predictably, Melrose, which is too bad because the next thing is the close-up beauty shot and she’s all tense around the mouth. Which isn’t good for a lip gloss shoot.The guest judges are Victorio and Luchino, the Spanish designers whose show the final two will walk in. Well, "walk" is sort of a misnomer, since they’re some sort of weird haunted bride thing, which involves lots of running around and shrieking. Anyway, V&L look like extras from a Jim Henson movie — very Muppety. I’m not sure why they got to judge then, since they weren’t at the shoot or anything. Anyway, despite the praise and the "where was this girl all along?" Eugena gets the boot. And, really, wasn’t it about time — how long can you coast on "potential"? (The pessimist in me says if the producers need at least one finalist who’s not a white girl, apparently you can coast until final 3.) She is surprisingly gracious on her final interview. CariDee, however, goes into meanie mode.The final two do shoots for "Seventeen" and of course Atoosa Rubenstein is there. Atoosa! Atoosa! Atoosa! She is magnificent at hedging her bets and not sharing any true opinions about each girl, and is never heard from again. We’re then subjected to "Dr. Michelle," a life coach who’s appeared several times on Tyra’s talk show. One hint: If they won’t tell you their last name, they’re probably not a real doctor. Dr. Michelle asks each girl one Barbara Walters-style question, and is never heard from again.Now it’s time for the fashion show! They’ll be ghostly brides who wander the bugadera (washerwoman) viaduct/path in the Park Guell. The first round the models do a traditional stomp/walk and in the second round, in a not-at-all-manufactured-for-the-cameras move, the models will "stand off" against each other, sizing each other up and then snapping away from each other. This is all done for the CariDee vs. Melrose showdown, which Melrose actually kicks @$$ at, surprisingly — until CariDee treads on Melrose’s dress and rips a big ol’ hole in it. Melrose doesn’t let it phase her while she’s walking, but dang, when she’s offstage she melts down. This leads Jay Manuel to utter one of the best phrases in "ANTM" history: "Calm down! This is the crazy scene." Meanwhile, an oblivious Tyra out front: "Whew! That was hot!"Meanwhile, J. Alexander wanders off in a "oh, mysterious disappearance!" way only to lead off the third act, which involves lots of shrieking and running dramatically. He may be annoying on the show, but he is a pretty damn good runway walker. Maybe they can gag him for the next cycle.Then it’s Melrose’s turn, and she does an amazing job. CariDee, on the other hand, has people laughing with how over-the-top she is. And ugly! That woman needs to learn how to control her face. She was acting like she was stuck in a Halloween haunted house and there was a chainsaw maniac behind her. Also, that hair and makeup makes her look really old — way older than Melrose. ("And sort of pregnant," my roommate KC says.)Time for final judging! The judges are all "oh, Melrose is a perfectionist, she doesn’t feeeeeell it," like they do week after week when she turns in an awesome photo and they can’t pin down anything finite to nail her with. It’s finally, of all people, Jay Manuel who says, "You all are chastising her for her intelligence and knowledge of the industry," basically penalizing her for knowing what they want every other girl to learn. Bravo! But it is CariDee who wins, and of course brings up the heartbreak of psoriasis multiple times in like two minutes. Melrose’s interview is awesome: "I’m p!$$ed," she says, simply, adding that she tried her hardest. She can take comfort in the words that Tyra tells winner CariDee about her ludicrous runway face. "I don’t ever want to see that face — ever, ever again," she says to a nodding CariDee.And with the success rate of past winners, except for a single issue of Seventeen magazine and a cycle’s worth of "My Life as a Cover Girl" ads, we probably won’t see it, either.

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