ANTM 7.7: SWIMMING FRIGHTENINGLY
November 8th, 2006, 8:26 pm · 4 Comments · posted by Sam Mittelsteadt
Today my friend Julia asked which girl I thought was going home on "America’s Next Top Model" and I just kind of shrugged and said, "Eh, I don’t care." And that’s the problem with this season — or "cycle," as they insist on calling it. I’m sure part of it has to do with the writers strike — the full-time staffers who usually cobble together interesting story lines spent this cycle picketing for union health benefits (they just went to court about being replaced, and you can see their Myspace page here for more details) — and as a result, no real engaging characters have emerged from this pack of contenders.If Jaeda were the one sent home, would you really care? If it were Eugena, would you really care? If it were Michelle or Amanda, or Melrose, or CariDee, would you really care?(You don’t have to, because it was Anchal.)It wasn’t always like this, you know. By this time in past seasons, you knew whom you were rooting for — or whom you were rooting against. At least you felt an affinity or antipathy toward someone.You felt cheated when they told Toccara she got the boot because her personality was "disappearing" — wouldn’t yours if you got picked for a reality show, only to get told week after week you were too fat by the same panel who selected you? (Not the same as Anchal, who’s just kind of jiggly and … well, why did she last so long, actually?)Even if you didn’t want nutjobs Lisa or Jade to win, you were either delighted or disgusted by their weekly shenanigans and malapropisms, respectively. (Not the same as CariDee, who just laughs a lot, loudly, and would probably be the type of girl who’d take off her top for some Mardi Gras beads. Not even a real obnoxious party girl like Brittany.)Pretty as she was, know-it-all Yaya worked your last nerve, didn’t she? Near the end, you could appreciate her skills but damn, you were rooting against her, even if it meant Eva would win. (Whereas Melrose comes off as well-intentioned but lacking interpersonal skills, and she’s one of the few girls who can take a good picture week after week.)Remember when Tyra went off on Tiffany for shrugging off her ouster? Full-on Tyrade is what it was — screaming and yelling, the kind of stuff that would have made the next-day YouTube rounds. Now that Miss Banks is trying to imitate Miss Winfrey, we’re subjected to boring well-meaning sermons about how not "bringing it" to panel is a metaphor for how you live your life.Really, the only person I hate this season is Tyra. Not even Jay Manuel is being as annoying as usual (perhaps because he’s taking over hosting duties of "Canada’s Next Top Model"?So, to keep myself interested, I did this week’s recap … in haiku."Action modeling"is not an oxymoronexcept on this show."Model" Gabby Reecelooks good in beach bikini,hulking in girl clothes.Lunge for volleyball!But wait! Before you hit sandtry to look pretty.———Swishy James St. James’"Sunset Boulevard" turbandoes him no favors.Girls must click shutterand leap on NASCAR driver.(Tyra has issues.)Anchal hardly tries:"I’m not an angry person."She can’t even kick.Real NASCAR driversshould not have soap opera nameslike "Stanton Barrett."CariDee lunges,yells, but assures him they’ll have"make-up sex later."Michelle wins challenge!Then why is Melrose takingeveryone’s clothing?Prize-laden Melrose:"I feel like every girl wantsto kill me right now."(When Michelle picked "friends,"non-white girls were left standing.Bad coincidence.)———Tyra’s dumb idea:Beauty shoot in wind tunnel!Results confuse her."Sexy space sirens"?Helmets and suits make girls lookLike Daft Punk robots.(Thought to file away:Gusty winds make face skin flap.What were you thinking?)Five-minute segmentis extended promo forCover Girl TruBlend.Jaeda says she has"face of Cover Girl." In boxunder bed, maybe.CariDee eager,but disregards instructionsin chute. Jay tattles.———Gabby is guest judge.Blah blah Seventeen cover,blah blah Elite gig.Is she sea captain?Reece’s bad highlights, red skinmake it hard to tell.Why is Miss J there?Silly wig and eye-rollingTragic, not funny.Challenge at judging:Act out silly instructions,make panel happy.———"Shake flirtatiously."Eugena only shimmies.Flips hair like white girl."Swim frighteningly."Poor Michelle must lie on floorwhere high heels have tread.Amanda cannotinterpret phrase "ski sadly."And who can cast blame?"Box joyfully"? What?I will vogue like Madonna,says confused Melrose."Dance aggressively."Anchal stops, winces, panics,runs out of room fast."Hide dizzily" ispiece of cake for CariDee.Judges laugh and clap."Skip sensually."Busty Jaeda needs to wearbigger top, good bra.———"The girls who commitand the girls who don’t commit":Two categories.Eugena’s bad skinkeeps airbrushers in businessand me distracted."Big ol’ blob" Anchaltries halfheartedly and fails.Tyra sends her home.———Lesbian Michelleprobably next girl kicked outfor not "bringing it."Eugena’s dead eyes,bad attitude will keep herfrom winning grand prize.Cover Girl contractmeans "quirky" girls can’t win show.Sorry, Amanda.North Dakota girlis eager, pretty and fun.I fear she is doomed.Does this mean Jaedacould overcome short hair woesand win this cycle?Melrose herself laughed:She could be "Seventeen" starat age 23!
November 9th, 2006 at 8:50 am
You get paid for this? This show is full of killer comedy for anyone who knows how to use it…I know you read TWOP, just wait until next week and you’ll see what you SHOULD have written.
Bet people are lining up for your job.
November 13th, 2006 at 8:41 am
Sorry, I was having a grumpy day. Hate that I snarked at you, I’m probably just jealous and wish I had you job. If I did have you job I’d probably hate it because honestly how much of this crap can you take and then try to stay interested.
Sorry again.
November 13th, 2006 at 9:44 pm
Everyone has bad days! However, it’s a nice opportunity to bring up a few things, like:
(1) I don’t get paid for my blog time! I suspect it’s because it would be hard to come in to work a few hours late and trying to explain it away by saying, “I stayed up last night watching ‘America’s Next Top Model’ AND ‘Project Runway,’ and then writing about them and waiting for The CW to put up their photos and re-sizing them and adding links.”
(2) This is also why I don’t feel bad about taking a week off and not writing about anything, even if it *is* Phoenix Fashion Week and they did open up an Electric Ladyland at Scottsdale Fashion Square that was so jam-packed with skinny blondes with big hair that it would trigger any girl’s eating disorder.
(3) However, anyone who doesn’t appreciate the effort of an all-haiku recap? DEAD to me. (No, not really.) Next week I’m thinking iambic pentameter.
(4) It’s almost a week later, and TWOP hasn’t gotten past the “recaplet” stage. (Yes, you’re right, I am addicted to that site. But why can’t they post the recaps for “ANTM” and “Ugly Betty” on *my* timetable, not theirs? *They* get paid for it!)
November 14th, 2006 at 9:53 am
Okay, I have to confess something, and now I’ll be even more dead to you…I never understood haiku. There. I said it. You’d think I’d feel better but I don’t.
Oh, I totally thought this was your job! I can’t imagine doing this and NOT getting paid. I mean, I’ll blog all day about stupid stuff, but to actually force myself to recap something for free? Uh-uh. Mad respect.
I think the next review should be Dr. Suess inspired. Just a thought.
Full recaps are never up at TWOP until wed. morning which to me is unforgivable. I wish I wasn’t such a slave to Potes’ humor.