This week, Tyra lashes out at her critics … by taking it out on Eugena, whose main problem is that she says what everyone watching at home is thinking. (Among the words in the scalding scolding: "Have manners!")However, in a case of the best reality-TV timing ever, it’s young whippersnapper BROOKE who gets sent home — on the very night she would have graduated from high school, which she finds very important even if we don’t.The rest of the episode involves eight insecure young women being told they’re not good enough, and simultaneously being criticized for not being more confident.We’re set up to believe Eugena is a big complainer from the first shot of the show, which has her talking about her competitors. But really, can you find fault with statements like, "Jaeda won’t stop complaining about her hair" (as we’re treated to a shot of Jaeda on the phone, sobbing) or "Melrose is a backstabbing ho"? I mean besides the pot calling the kettle black, since Eugena’s doing a bit of backstabbing herself. But who hasn’t in that house?Brooke’s mom sends her what appears to be the latest in a series of packages themed to the graduation that Brooke is missing by being in California. Now, I understand that to some people walking across the stage is a big thing. But, really, is it? I mean, I tried to skip my graduation ceremonies for both high school and college, considering it a huge waste of time (and in the case of college, an incredibly early rise time), but was overruled by my parents. And about one year from now, Brooke won’t care less about her graduation day, except for maybe hanging your tassel on your rear-view mirror. So I’m having trouble sympathizing with her "plight."Melrose wanders into the backyard where, it appears, unbeknownst to any of the girls, an entire photo shoot setup has been erected. The way she’s acting, all nervous and jittery, it’s like the folks from "Dateline NBC" just arrived on her front doorstep. "Hi," says this lady, "I’m Elyssa Traub, one of your photo producers." Elyssa looks exactly what I imagine a grown-up BLOSSOM would look like — you know, if Mayim Bialik hadn’t gone on to be a neuroscientist (and, uh, look like this). Elyssa introduces the photographer this session — perhaps you’ve heard of her? Tyra Banks? Melrose does the weakest job faking she’s thrilled. Seriously, can this woman not show up and "surprise" them every episode?It’s time for the same old photo shoot Tyra pulls out of her weave every year — the close-up, black and white photo of the girls with a lot of eye makeup. Last season’s gimmick was the tears — like this photo of finalist JOANIE — and this time around it’s … funky contact lenses. I can tell Michelle is totally my kind of girl because she puts the contact lens in her mouth to lubricate it before she pops it in her eye — totally unsanitary, but that’s the sign of a hardcore wearer right there.Jaeda complains about her hair a lot after the shoot, how she doesn’t feel like a girl blah blah blah. Eugena, girl, I’m totally on your side.The next day the girls trundle off to meet "Raja," apparently the drag-queen persona of makeup artist Sutan, who you can tell is being groomed to be the next J Alexander in terms of screen time. Really, do you miss Miss J at all, now, and when he shows up at panel wearing an idiot headband and hairpiece, are you glad to see him at all? More Sutan, less Miss J!Sorry. Anyway, Raja introduces the girls to DITA VON TEESE, burlesque revivalist (and wife of Marilyn Manson). She performs a striptease, then shows back up on stage in a supercute ’40s-style dress and "meh" hat. She looks about 4 feet tall next to Sutan. Today the girls will be strutting with props like a boa, a riding crop, a fan … getting in touch with their sexy — not sleazy! — side.Jaeda complains how "knowing that I have short hair" hinders her performance. New drinking game! One shot every time this wench complains about having a totally cute Halle Berry haircut.Ooh, time for one more shot already, because at the house, she’s talking to … someone and saying, "when I look in a magazine and see long luscious hair, I think, wow, that’s what I want, long luscious hair." Actually, thats two shots.Stupid challenge of the week: Cathy Gould of the Elite modeling agency is having a "private party" — translation: fake one, exclusively for TV cameras — and the girls will have to be the main attraction. By tromping up and down the dining room table. Also, Cathy Gould has the worst delivery ever: You might as well have her looking down at her cue cards. Along for the ride for no particular reason is model KYLIE BAX, who was kind of hot back in the mid-’90s when she had supershort hair — see? — and girls like her and Carolyn Murphy first showed up. Now she’s … well, not looking so good, and certainly looking matronly for someone born in 1975. As an aside, don’t Google her without your "safe filter" on, unless you’re a breast fan. Apparently she’s fond of taking her top off. She is Australian …The girls walk on the table. It’s stupid. The winner is Melrose, who saves us the trouble of pointing out the irony that the oldest competitor will, as the prize, be appearing in a spread in "Seventeen" magazine (by saying so herself). CariDee, however, goes all sour grapes: "If she’s the best, she’s the best, and that’s great," she spits out. "Good for her, she won again." She can barely choke back the bile. Great TV!Melrose picks Brooke and the twins to accompany her on the shoot. Where we run into Atoosa Rubenstein, whose "Hi girls! I’m Atoosa Rubenstein, editor in chief of Seventeen magazine! It’s good to see you again!" delivery is 150,000 percent of Cathy Gould’s is not. I still hate her. If she’s the guest judge again, I might have to pull an Elvis and shoot my TV. The girls shoot an editorial for the October issue. (Hey, wait, it’s October now! I need to go pick up a copy — oh, no I don’t. You won’t get me that easily, Rubenstein!)This week’s photo shoot continues the sensual/sexual theme by making the girls pose as models for romance novel covers! The photographer is Randee St. Nicholas, which I think marks the first time I’ve actually heard of the photographer. I wonder if she has a drug habit to support if she’s slumming for "ANTM."Brooke is very excited to meet their male model: "I’m thinking he’s young, hot, let’s get some testosterone!" Get ready for the cartoon screeching-brakes sound, because they’ll be posing with … Fabio!Which, really, is kind of awesome. Young, no; hot, mmmaybe; but still: Freaking Fabio! When I lived in Colorado and he came out with his own fragrance, a friend and I drove four hours to Denver and stood in line so we could get autographs. We just brought photos (which we had dedicated to a female friend of ours), but other people had book covers and even lunch boxes (which made me jealous). And you’ve got to respect a guy who can make fun of himself in the "I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter" and those "life comes at you fast" insurance ads. We never see him without his shirt off, which leads me to believe the ravages of time have begun to take their toll on America’s onetime romance novel cover king.In an "isn’t it ironic?" twist, straight-twin Amanda plays a girl leaving Fabio … for another woman! Recently-gay twin Michelle has trouble with the snuggle factor of her shoot, in which she portrays the mother of a "love child." Eugena is kind of dead in her "caught in a secret tryst" photo. Brooke is atrocious in her "please don’t leave me!" moment — great body language, bad face. This is the shoot at which I remembered how gigantic Fabio really is. His legs are like tree trunks (not that I got to feel). "Peasant girl" CariDee has no trouble with her shoot, and "bordello madam" Melrose really does well, perhaps because she’s approximately the same age as him. In the episode, it seems like "vampire victim" Jaeda at least grabs a couple of good shots after a lot of bitching from Jay Manuel, and Anchal does well as Cleopatra.However, if you want to see this week’s photos, click here, because I’m not uploading a bunch of photos that Tyra has splashed her name across pretending it’s a book she wrote. Also, I hope Sutan didn’t do the makeup at this shoot, because it’s pretty ugly.After the shoot, Brooke interviews that "If I get sent home on the night of graduation … that would suck." Ooh, I really wish you hadn’t said that. …At judging, the girls walk in to Tyra, with a ludicrous ocean wave of a hairstyle and a stone face. Suddenly, when they’re all in position, she’s all smiles and "Hi, everyone!" Talk about turning it on and off for the camera. Speaking of ludicrous hair, J. Alexander has a hairstyle Tyra compares to a "bird of paradise," to which he replies, patting his ‘do, "I am a bird of paradise." I would have said "cockatoo," myself, but …Guest judge is Cathy Gould, whom Anchal dreads since Cathy uttered those horrific words: "Your body’s not what a model’s should be." Which, by the way, is true.Tyra makes the whole recap about her, of course: I was the photographer, Amanda had trouble until I coaxed her out of it, I’m going to show each girl how it would have improved her shoot to go from this (one pose) to this (exact same pose, only supposed to be radically different).In an interesting note, Tyra says to CariDee’s face, "You commit in a way that is insane to me" and praises her shoots. Once the models are out of the room, however Tyra says that CariDee needs to learn the difference between driven and desperate. Backstabber!Here it goes: Amanda is most improved — thanks to Tyra’s tutelage, of course! Then the usual contenders until … wha? Jaeda is safe? The last three are Michelle, who gets called out for her "I’ve never cuddled with anyone" bit by getting nicknamed "Miss Excuses" (like it’s happened every week). But of course she’s safe — she’s a new lesbian, for god’s sake, we’ve got weeks of drama to wring out of that! Father’s Day is just around the corner! — so it’s down to Brooke and Eugena.Ones all personality (and, in an editorial aside, doesn’t photograph that well) — Brooke. The other has tons of model potential but needs to learn humility. And manners — Eugena. But she’s in.The other girls start crying before she does, but as soon as she steps off the stage she starts bawling: "My freaking high school graduation!" she wails loudly. Enough with the graduation, I tell you! Well except when Tyra decides to weigh in, when I feel sorry for her all over again: "Brooke, I have something to say!" The gist of Tyra’s Very Special Message is: Sure, you could have been home graduating with all those other girls tonight, but do you know how many girls would like to be in your place right now?You mean right now — standing on a cheap set, getting cut from a CW reality show, being sent home instead of an evil dead-eyed wench, and having to go back to Keller, Texas, knowing I wasn’t even in the top half of the finalists, missing what I think is a very important milestone in my life, and having to get lectured by Tyra freaking Banks?Any takers? No?

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