In tonight’s Very Special Episode we find out there’s been a stealth lesbian in the house all along, as Michelle tells her housemates that she "might be gay." Her twin does not take this news well and gives off "I can’t believe I shared a room with her for 18 years!" vibes.

Meanwhile, the bottom two contestants both happen to be tall, awkward, mannish women with short, spiky hair. The one who rocks her shoot as a man gets to stay another week. Jaeda should be getting used to being thisclose to getting kicked out — this is three weeks in a row for her.

A.J., however, cannot channel her inner J.Lo and is sent packing. While wearing the rattiest, nastiest, "better have a good story why she keeps wearing it" pink knit cap I’ve ever seen not on a homeless person. No, I take that back — even on a homeless person.

And the lesson from this week’s episode? This show needs more Janice Dickinson! And way less … well, pretty much everyone else, please. Except Melrose and Brooke and Michelle.

And don’t worry, Amanda: Your sister might turn out to just be a lug (lesbian until graduation). But I doubt it. She was way too comfortable dressed up like Ellen Degeneres.We start the episode mourning Megg — well, A.J. does, anyway. "It was like losing this huge spirit," she says. Yeah, and a huge ratty weave, too.

Ooh, I sounded a little too much like Melrose right there. She mocks the others for crying — "oh, boo-hoo!" — and says that the only person she’s going to cry for is herself. You know, I respect the principle, but damn, girl, learn how to phrase things a little nicer. Maybe they wouldn’t be calling you names like Smellrose behind your back — or to your face.

Early in the episode, the girls meet "Entertainment Tonight" correspondent Mark Steines, who gives them little tips on how to interview people. CariDee teases him by asking which designer he’s wearing, and when he lifts his lapel, she pretends to read, "Oh, Mary-Kate and Ashley!" Michelle is relaxed while Amanda seizes up, which will be her default position for the rest of this episode. But the clear pro in this little contest is Melrose, who is perfectly at ease while interviewing, even while the other girls call her "Melstank" and "Smellrose." I gotta say, you’re in your late teens, girls. You gotta do better than that if you’re going to try to hurt someone.

Surprise! It turns out their practice was not for naught — they’ll be "interviewing" Janice Dickinson on the not-at-all-fake "red carpet" outside … some random jewelry store? One by one the girls get suited up with microphones and tiny earpieces, through which Mark is trying to give them encouragement and advice, such as "get your microphone back from her." Janice is uncharacteristically subdued but still has more fun than any of the girls, which is odd considering she’s just walked a fake red carpet eight times.

It’s amazing how many girls are really bad at this. CariDee calls Janice "overpungent" but has no idea what that means. Brooke asks, "What makes you so bitchy?" and Michelle manages to mess up the store name. Jaeda is so nervous she starts to break out in hives, and A.J. has this weird ratty pink … snood-type thing on her head. It is, possibly, the ugliest piece of clothing any "Top Model" contestant has ever worn, and that includes all of Jay Manuel’s wardrobe.

Melrose nails it and wins the challenge, so she gets to work for "ET" and do red-carpet interviews at some CW event. Mostly she’s schmoozing with the boys from shows like "Gilmore Girls" and "Supernatural," but of course Tyra’s got to show up and make it all about her.

It’s about to become even more about Tyra, as she "sneaks into" the house, where every single one of the girls just happens to be asleep, although it appears to be midafternoon with the amount of sunlight streaming in the house. I suspect the producers laced the diet sodas with tranquilizers to achieve this. It’s time for the dreaded one-on-ones where Tyra tries to channel Oprah. Or possibly Barbara Walters, given the number of tears wrung out of these poor girls.

Jaeda thinks Melrose is abrasive and starts choking up. Melrose, to her credit, is having none of it. Eugena’s the first to shed full-on tears, and then the waterworks really start: Amanda’s bawling about being scared for her sister — which Tyra of course has to one-up by saying, "I cried yesterday! I cried for two hours!" CariDee talks about the heartbreak of psoriasis. Mercifully, this time there is no Anchal crying about how she doesn’t feel pretty.

Then it’s time for the "My Life as a Cover Girl" segment. Apparently life as a Cover Girl means you get to go to Asian nail salons to get a manicure. And bring your own polish. Who knew the perks were so exotic and profligate?

The twins call home so Michelle can out herself to Mom, although it appears to be Amanda who’s doing all the crying while her mom keeps asking, "You doing OK?" At the end of the conversation one of the twins says, "Happy Mother’s Day!" which tells me: (a) this series was filmed back in May? And (b) that nobody told Michelle rule #1 about coming out to your parents: Never do it on a holiday. Because next year, you know her mom’s going to be all, "Remember last year, when Michelle had to ruin my one special day of the year by announcing her love for carpet on national television, and not even on one of the good networks?" And the same thing will happen year after year, until Michelle’s sick of it and tells her mom to shut her trap and the whole thing becomes even more uncomfortable. Maybe you could get away with it on one of the lesser holidays, like Columbus Day or Boxing Day (Canadian readers only), but Mother’s Day? That’s second only to Christmas, stupid.

Time for this week’s photo shoot! Jay Manuel shows up wearing a disturbing amount of makeup, including visible lip liner. I know he’s got his own line of cosmetics to pimp, but damn: Tone that mess down, girl. The photographer is someone who just happens to have shot Tyra herself, which gives them the opportunity to shove another photo of Miss Banks down our throats.

The theme — no, the conceit — is that each girl will pose as both members of a celebrity couple: A.J., for example, will fail spectacularly at trying to embody Jennifer Lopez and husband Marc Anthony. (This reminds me of the challenge a few seasons back in which plus-size Toccara was saddled with a mechanic’s jumpsuit because it was the only outfit big enough to fit her, which put her in a right snit.)

(Click on each thumbnail to see the full photo.)

Caridee even manages to pull a great photo as Brad Pitt while holding a wailing toddler who’s understandably freaked out about such a strange stranger holding him. Her Angelina Jolie looks pretty good, too.

As Britney Spears, Brooke has to hold an eight-foot snake, and pulls a good shot (although her face is a little too ugly-intense again). Her Kfed is not so good.

Michelle, in a too-coincidental move, will be playing the lesbians: Ellen Degeneres, whose skin she occupies a little too easily, down to the dance moves, and Portia De Rossi, who … well, just kind of stands there. Just like the real Portia De Rossi.

Amanda does a good Demi Moore, but it’s her Ashton Kutcher that’s kind of amazing. Actually, her antics remind me of Justin Timberlake skewering Ashton on "Saturday Night Live" — that’s how animated she is. It comes out of nowhere, since she’s been so stiff and "I don’t want to talk about anything" all episode, but it’s great. At one point, frustrated by the over-the-top conceit, she says in frustration, "Can’t I just wear a dress or something?" My sentiments exactly: How about a challenge where we get photos that show the girls actually modeling clothing, like what happens in the real industry?

The only thing A.J. can manage about J.Lo is the booty, and that’s due to padding. She’s incredibly uncomfortable as Marc Anthony, too. After a while, it doesn’t even look like she’s trying anymore.

Jaeda nails Bobby Brown’s behavior, but her Whitney Houston … well, you know, sometimes I have trouble believing that’s the best picture, since we see her doing so well in the middle of the shoot, and when you look at the frame they chose, I think, "Really?!" Especially considering that they posted this photo of her on the media site, which puts her in better full-Whitney, diva-arm-up territory.

Eugena’s Jay-Z is good, thanks to the props, but her Beyonce is way over in Lil Kim territory. I think it’s more about the hair and dress, though.

It’s totally fake the way they tell Anchal who her characters will be: "I’ve always had two heroes, my mother and Oprah Winfrey." Tyra is kissing some serious butt on this episode. (Oprah, could you please call Tyra? It’ll save us viewers a lot of grief.) Anchal’s photo evokes Oprah’s spirit, but her inability to resemble anything like Stedman is more due to the lousy hair and makeup than her modeling skills.

And Melrose. Awesome, awesome Melrose can capture the beautiful vacantness that is Melania Trump and still look as gruff and sharpei-ish as The Donald. (Her hair is much more groomed and less flyaway than the real thing, though.)

The girls’ challenge at judging is to provide "color commentary" of footage of an "America’s Next Top Model" party. This means they have to talk about J. Alexander, Jay Manuel and Tyra. One of the girls suggests Tyra’s wearing a weave — cheeky! It only makes the digital blurring of her forehead more noticeable to me. Someone else says J. Alexander is wearing a trash bag. We have to watch him sashay chantay about a billion times, which is wearisome, as is anything he does lately (such as pat his little flip of a wig with sassy headband when being introduced at judging).

Before judging, Jaeda says, "If I’m in the bottom two, it’d be the third time. I don’t know what I’d do." Well, she’s about to find out: She and A.J. are the cellar dwellers. Luckily, as Tyra puts it, "Bobby Brown saved your butt." Jaeda’s in! A.J. is sent home — ironically, the week she’s selected as the Cover Girl of the Week by readers. She is still wearing that ugly hat, which looks as if it could crawl off on its own power.

Along those lines, the people’s choice for "Project Runway" is voted out first on the finale. But that’s another recap …

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