Melrose apparently doesn’t understand that once the most-hated girl in the house gets booted out, the title of most-hated girl in the house gets passed down to someone else — specifically, her, for talking bad about other contestants, for talking like a sycophant to Twiggy and … well, for just constantly talking.

But despite Anchal’s midepisode sobfest session with Tyra (in full "tell Momma all about it" mode), it’s Megg who suffers a sudden meltdown after she realizes just how lousy her photo is.

Speaking of lousy, waste-of-a-perfectly-good-masthead Atoosa Rubenstein is on this episode. But let’s not focus on the bad just yet, shall we? Let’s start out fresh, when all the girls are giddy about a Monique-free household — particularly Melrose, who’s no doubt relieved she no longer has to worry about various body fluids being issued in her direction.

Well, she would be if she could take some time out from complaining about how loud the other girls are and how late at night it is. You know that girl needs her beauty sleep. Megg, meanwhile, interviews, "I just want to rock and roll and have a good time." I think she’s like some sort of idiot robot who’s gone slightly haywire and can only repeat variations of the same phrase. (Also, the fact they tossed her in for no particular reason this early in the episode should have been your first clue she was going home tonight.)

Anchal discusses how she’s the "voluptuous" one … as she fries up four eggs for herself for breakfast, and I think she was tossing down a bit lump o’ ground sausage, too. "I’ve got breasts, and hips," she says. Yes, and you’ve also got about 1,000 greasy calories on your plate.

The Tyra Mail referred to bending over backwards, but when the girls show up, they meet a contortionist named Jonathan and the most amazing she-male ever, model Stacey McKenzie. I remember seeing her back when she first appeared in this Calvin Klein ad — she was all freckles and frizzed-out hair, with both feet squarely in the "laude" side of the "jolie/laude" category. However, I had never heard her voice, which is totally the "trying to pass" transsexual husky rasp. She’s kind of awesome, y’all, in that "what the hell?" way. I want to get Canadian TV just to see what she’s like as a judge on "Canada’s Next Top Model" (which actually exists, with "Battlestar Galactica" actress Tricia Helfer in the Tyra role). But I’ll have to settle for this shot from the show. …

Anyway, while Jonathan the contortionist throws his legs over his head in a thousand different ways, Stacey says very earnestly, "You have to do some of these poses for high fashion. You must!" Yes, but enough about the casting couch, Stacey. The girls are all wearing black leotards with colored leggings … and high-heeled shoes. At one point they’re trying to do a side plank pose and Stacey again says in all seriousness, "A lot of photographers, a lot of clients, they use this pose." While she’s standing upright. If you have ever, EVER seen a model in this pose in any magazine that wasn’t a fitness one, please send me a link to that photo.

Anchal is really flexible, not so skinny. Melrose suggests she might want to ramp up the cardio if she’s not going to cut back on the calories — which is perfectly legitimate, if slightly rude. Later that night while in the hot tub, Melrose tells other girls that when Anchal first arrived Melrose thought she would be stiff competition, but she’s realized that’s not the case. Anchal, eavesdropping from upstairs, runs into the house crying. This is what we’ve been reduced to, people.

A.J. and Megg try to comfort Anchal, A.J. using the term of endearment "honey" about 20 times a minute: "You know why (they’re saying those things), honey? ‘Cause they’re the fake ones. They don’t matter, girl." It would be easier to believe her if she weren’t wearing a puffer coat while everyone else is running around in bikinis.

Long story short: Anchal thinks she’s not pretty. Braces, glasses, wah-wah-wah. At this point, anyone who hasn’t had either braces or glasses during childhood is in the minority, so I’m not sure why this continues to plague model-wannabes as much as it does.

The next day the girls meet with Twiggy. Melrose goes all stalker-fan crazy on her, overemoting and as CariDee puts it, "sticks her nose right up their (dirtyword)."

At the challenge, a woman with hilariously overdrawn eyebrows greets them by saying, "I’m designer Bao Tranchi, and I’m very well known for my decadent collections." I hate her instantly, an impression only cemented by her MySpace page, on which she describes herself as "elevating myself above the masses of celluloid mental waste in this city, in fact, this world." And the people she wants to meet? "Anybody that has read UTOPIA and truly understood its connection to Karl Marx and Vietnam. Anybody who has been wooed by Thomas Hardy while pierced by the hauntings of Portisehead (cq)."

I’m writer Sam Mittelsteadt, and I’m very well known for my incisive criticism. Well, maybe not, but at least all the bands are spelled right on my MySpace page.

Anyway, she’s not very well known, although she appears to be a legend in her own mind. Jewelry Erica Courtney, on the other hand, is famous. She also says like two words this entire episode and looks like a soccer mom, not an overstyled L.A. tragedy. The prize for this episode is $32,000 worth of her jewelry.

Bao blows a bunch of smoke up Melrose’s backside about how beautiful she is — yes, she does look nice at right, doesn’t she, with her hair totally obscuring her face — and Melrose interviews how the designer wants "a fantas-iful fairy who’s all nice and sweet, but also this diva bitch," and then she just keeps talking and talking and talking …

The girls must hold "extreme" poses of their own choices. Eugena wins (see left), which makes Melrose keep talking and talking and talking about how she woulda coulda shoulda done better and won. Nobody’s listening to her.

The next day Tyra shows up for the "I love my girls!" time, which is really an excuse to practice her empathy skills so it appears as if she cares. Which would be hard to do, sure, if they keep talking like Jaeda: "I need to keep making sure I show confidence with my hair."

Enough with the hair — on both fronts! It’s an awesome haircut. Learn to love it, or at least accept it while it grows out. You’ve got professional hair and makeup people on every stupid shoot to ensure you look good. How can this be an issue? Meanwhile, Tyra said she did it so they could "break (Jaeda) down" and start fresh, so why the hell is she so amazed at Jaeda’s bad adjustment period?

The next day, the girls are driven out to, as Brooke puts it, "the desert in the middle of nowhere, about two hours from our house," and while my heart was set on a reality-TV version of "The Hills Have Eyes" or some other film in which saucy, stupid young wenches are served up as fare for sadistic cannibals, I’ll have to settle for … Jay Manuel, who informs them they’ll be posing as circus freaks.

And speaking of freaks, guest judge will be screen-hog editor of Seventeen magazine, Atoosa Rubenstein. I think they put her on this episode just so Melrose’s voice and opinions would sound like music to your ears by comparison. While the girls pose, she will say things like, "You know those people who do yoga? They’re so elegant!" and "He spent so much time coaching you, he didn’t have time to direct the shoot." (So, he spent so much time telling you what to do, he didn’t have any time telling you what to do.) She will also rear her ugly head — yes, and I mean that literally — during judging, but that’s not important now.

In a too-perfect-to-be-coincidental move, many of the girls will be epitomizing their weaknesses: Melrose, who "photographs old," will be a woman with a young body but a very old face. Jiggly Anchal will be the "giant woman." Manly Jaeda will be the "strong woman."

Other girls get off a little easier: A.J. is a cannibal, Brooke is the rubber girl, Megg is the bearded lady, the twins are … well, Siamese twins, Eugena is a bird woman, CariDee is the elephant woman. And Atoosa Rubenstein — say it out loud! it’s fun! — is a witch. Oh, she’s not in costume! Anyway, mouse over the photo for a quick summary of the shoot, and click on it to bring up a new window with the full-size photo.

CariDee rocks her shoot. Atoosa says, "By the end of this shoot, I wanted an elephant nose!" (Oh, you don’t have to settle for the hook you’ve got, Rubenstein — you’re surrounded by surgeons in New York.) Other girls who do well are Eugena and A.J.

And then … Megg. She realizes her session is lame, and spends the rest of the episode crying about it, even during judging. And Tyra’s helpful advice — you know, the kind she offers only on the episode when the girl gets kicked off — is: "You know, the bearded lady probably didn’t want to be there."

The bottom two are Megg and Jaeda … but Jaeda gets another chance.

I feel sorry for Megg until she opens her mouth and vows to start a two-person band and be both model and rocker. I wonder how long that lousy weave will last on her head.

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