This is the way the drama endsThis is the way the drama endsThis is the way the drama endsnot with a bang but a whimper.(With apologies and all due credit to T.S. Eliot)"America’s Next Top Model" threatens to implode upon itself, as scores of previous season never-weres* converge, wraithlike, upon this episode and manifest themselves everywhere from manor estates to the capital of Texas (and in Dani[elle]’s case, the weekly Cover Girl emotionless line reading commercial). Perhaps confronting her doppelganger is what left MONIQUE so weak and exhausted and vulnerable to illness. And, perhaps because she decided at the last minute not to participate in this week’s photo shoot, the judges decided she didn’t really have the dedication to be there and sent her packing.And perhaps because of that, I will never again have to watch a woman wipe her … intimate secretions across someone else’s bed linens.And for that last one, I’m intensely grateful._____* Calling them "has-beens" implies they had achieved some sort of success and I, unlike the show’s producers, refuse to lie to you like that.And yet, I can’t help but wonder: With such an obvious nut job dismissed, what second-rate drama will have to be cobbled together to hold viewer interest for 10 more weeks? Anchal’s insecurities? Melrose’s obsessive-compulsive cleanliness? Eugena’s facial disturbances? Twin-on-twin hostilities?But back to the present: The girls puzzle over a mysterious Tyra mail that alludes to walking the line and such great heights or some such nonsense. While trying to say that each message has hints about the next challenge, Melrose actually ends up saying, "Nothing that we do here is pointless," which really couldn’t be more wrong if she tried.When they pile out of the Tyramobile the next morning, J. Alexander meets them wearing some sort of feathery swim cap for hair. They spend a day walking on a tightrope to get their balance. This is lame but allows Monique and Melrose to talk, separately, how much each despises the other.Back home, Melrose gets to the telephone first — I wonder if she ever got that $1,000 deposit back? — while Monique objects that she had called for first phone rights. (After you spend three and a half hours on the phone out of pure spite, I think you automatically are denied first-phone privileges. For life.) So she stands in the doorway, loudly complaining about her karmic phone retribution, until Melrose shoves her out of the way and shuts the door, bumping Monique out into the kitchen.This does not go over well. You can watch Monique’s face go all dead from anger, and I can’t remember who in the kitchen watches it — maybe because I couldn’t recognize her in the defensive, crouched posture of a child from an abused home: "Please don’t take it out on me!"When Monique finally gets her phone time, she calls her mama and says, "I might have to $%#& her up, pardon my French." And, like I predicted way back in the season previews, she indeed threatens to cut someone — specifically, Melrose. Later that night, she and Eugena are in the bathroom while the others are getting ready for bed, and she tells Eugena she’s going to take her used panties and rub them all over Melrose’s bed. With Melrose in it.(Why are Eugena and Monique friends, anyway? Two episodes ago Monique stole Eugena’s bed by claiming to have urinated on it, and they were itching for a fight. Ah, bygones. …)Indeed, the camera follows as Monique scoots over to Melrose’s bed and surreptitiously wipes her underwear across the coverlet, then darts away. Melrose doesn’t see what’s going on, but feels the motion and wonders what happened. Jaeda sees the goings-on and, in the world’s biggest understatement, says, "That’s icky." Anchal interviews she’s worried about Monique going crazy and throwing lemonade on her. If lemonade is the worst thing she throws on you, consider yourself lucky, girl. I’m thinking she’d start with urine, work her way through fecal matter and move on to blood and even less-appetizing options.And before we cut to commercials, the last thing we see is Monique, eyes gleaming with glee as she curls her long fake hair in the mirror at 11 p.m., before going to bed where she’s going to lie on it and ruin the curls, talking to herself in the mirror: "Yes, yes, yes," she says, admiring herself while she wraps her tresses around the barrel, and it’s chock full of "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane" craziness. I expect her to break out into song like Bette Davis would: "I’m sending! A letter! To Daddy!"The next day, at some faux English manor with cobblestone paths, the girls again meet J. Alexander, who this time is wearing a masquerade-style mask and a bell-shaped dress that’s buttcheek-grazingly short and about 5 feet wide. Brooke earlier declared that J. "is a royal mess," and I cannot disagree with her. (And yet, he appears less ridiculous than Jay Manuel. How does this occur?)J. tells the girls that to practice their runway walk, they’ll be putting on dresses and high heels and trotting down the line that’s been stretched down the pavement. Oh, while wearing those masks. "We’re basically walking blind on cobblestones," one of the twins says.And, for no particular reason, there’s another "judge" for this competition: "Suddenly Psychopath" Bre, which makes me very excited because I can’t wait to see the clash of the crazy titans! I mean, it took Bre about eight weeks of competition before she was raging about granola bars and emptying other girls’ energy drinks down the drain, while after only two weeks Monique is already — and I did not want to write about this last week, but given this week’s developments I must — wiping her hand "under her towel" and flicking … fluid on other people. (And again: If she acts like this after being raised as a "child of God," her mom must have been doing some serious contraindicative parenting.)But the walking is anticlimactic: It’s not even as deliciously "I can’t watch!" as last season’s challenge with the ludicrously high shoes where we waited with baited breath for someone to not crack an ankle. (It makes news when the real pros fall: See story here, video of another incident here and a third leading off the "Oddball" segment of MSNBC’s "Countdown With Keith Olbermann" [click on "Model Epidemic"].)Here, though, we have only a few wobbles — no Danielle crawling offstage whimpering, "Ow, ow, ow" like last season. Curses! (You can find that video online, too, by the way.)The winner of the challenge, by the way, gets to work in a fashion show! (Yay! Exciting!) And will fly to Austin, Texas! (Less yay, less exciting.) And perform in a charity fashion show for some Dennis Quaid charity. (Um, I pass.) A.J. wins and picks Megg and CariDee to go with her, despite Brooke’s simpering that Austin is her hometown. Suck it up, Brooke! You’ve been gone for like a week and a half.Meanwhile, Monique has come down with something awful. At first I thought it was karmic retribution, but right then Melrose says something about Monique’s "negative energy" returning to haunt her. It makes me really, really not want to think the same way as Melrose, so I decide instead that Monique has contracted ringworm and an STD — you know, from all that under-the-towel manipulation. She ends up going to the hospital, where she gets some fluids. Maybe if she didn’t keep flicking hers at other people …. I’m just saying.Meanwhile, the winners fly to Austin to participate in their show. Their fellow models are … a passel of former "ANTM" contestants who are desperately trying to reclaim their former glory (and I use that term loosely). Does Tyra have the deed to their souls? Why would you return after six seasons for another shameful reminder of your failure? Also, the spotlight sponsor of the show is H-E-B, which is somewhat akin to walking in a fashion show sponsored by Albertson’s, or possibly even Food City. That’s glamour! They do get to meet Dennis Quaid, though, and for a while I think he is going to hit on CariDee. This does not happen, much to my dismay. (Did I ever tell you that my brother-in-law in Billings, Montana, sold Dennis Quaid an H2 Hummer? Yup. So me and Dennis, we’re like this.) The next morning they fly back to L.A. and arrive at …… This week’s photo shoot, part of a fashion show that is a zillion times worse than the one in Austin, thanks to its ludicrous setup: The girls will be walking on a runway that’s made up of sections of planks floating on a swimming pool. It’s sort of like a part of a really lame obstacle course: Any missteps and into the pool they’ll go! Of course, the "designer" cautions them they’ll be wearing terribly expensive, fragile garments that could rip at any moment! Monique decides she’s too sick and goes home.The "guests" arrive, and let me tell you, I don’t know if it’s the writers strike or what, but this group of people is the most idiotic, motley crew of fashion victims ever assembled — it’s people who can’t decide between their love of Marilyn Manson and Deee-Lite, with Day-Glo pink wigs and way too much eye makeup. Somewhere, a costume shop owner is laughing all the way to the bank.The girls in their bad makeup — Brooke looks particularly atrocious — bobble their way across the boards, and nobody takes a true tumble, although Eugena does slip and dip a leg into the water. She recovers, badly, and continues on. Let me tell you, no real designer would submit to a runway show like this — every eye trained on … the model’s feet, waiting for a slip, while your beautiful, expensive garments go unwatched or, worse yet, straight into the chlorinated pool? Fake! Fakety fake fake! As fake as Tyra’s hair and that cursed digital blurring on her forehead, which is all I see when I look at her now. (Well, that and the extra poundage.)And now for the photos … as always, click on the thumbnail to see the full picture in a new window. But can I point out how lousy the Photoshopping is on these? Some of the photos make the girls look like they’re floating in midair. I can do better digital manipulation than this, and I’m not even a professional — who the heck is in charge at "ANTM"? And while some girls got the "standing still at the end of the plank" shot, others were saddled with blurry, unflattering midstride photos. Where is the logic? Oh, yeah — this is "ANTM." Never mind.Monique didn’t participate in the shoot, but rather than let her go pictureless, here’s an incredible unflattering photo of her during the tightrope challenge. Her photo, too, is click-and-expandable…The next day, there’s enough time for Monique, apparently feeling better, to be photographed in a sun-dappled tableau — reading her Bible, naturally! — wearing a ridiculous oversize white sunbonnet, tears streaking her cheeks just so. Yes, if there’s a book that you turn to for comfort after threatening to injure someone and wiping your cooter juice on them, it would be the Bible, wouldn’t it?Anyway, onto judging. It involves — what else? — more walking. This time, with a bowl of fruit on their heads. You know, after the tightrope and the plank, by the time they get to a bowl of fruit on their head, I don’t even care anymore. Someone could show up with a Carmen Miranda basket ‘do and I would be like, "Could we fast-forward five minutes so I can see who gets booted?"Let’s fast-forward five minutes and see who gets booted: It’s down to Miss Tippy Tumbles, Eugena, whom Jay Manuel refers to as "the worst of the day," and Miss Stop Sharing Your Germs, Monique. But at least Eugena stuck around for the shoot.And like that, Monique is gone. No hugs from the other girls, no raging interview, no crazed slashing of other girls’ stuff, no broken mirrors or cursing or tirades or gunfire. After such wildly inappropriate behavior that had earned such loathing — when it had become clear those kids that made fun of her and called her Blacula when she was growing up weren’t doing it because she was dark-skinned, but because she was crazy and annoying — it’s incredibly anticlimactic.Crazy beeyotch, we hardly knew ye. But buck up: There are plenty of skeezy old men out there who’d love to pay you $5 for a pair of soiled panties. You just might have a new career ahead of you! Whenever one door closes, another opens …

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