This week, Tyra lashes out at her critics … by taking it out on Eugena, whose main problem is that she says what everyone watching at home is thinking. (Among the words in the scalding scolding: "Have manners!")However, in a case of the best reality-TV timing ever, it’s young whippersnapper BROOKE who gets sent home — on the very night she would have graduated from high school, which she finds very important even if we don’t.The rest of the episode involves eight insecure young women being told they’re not good enough, and simultaneously being criticized for not being more confident.We’re set up to believe Eugena is a big complainer from the first shot of the show, which has her talking about her competitors. But really, can you find fault with statements like, "Jaeda won’t stop complaining about her hair" (as we’re treated to a shot of Jaeda on the phone, sobbing) or "Melrose is a backstabbing ho"? I mean besides the pot calling the kettle black, since Eugena’s doing a bit of backstabbing herself. But who hasn’t in that house?Brooke’s mom sends her what appears to be the latest in a series of packages themed to the graduation that Brooke is missing by being in California. Now, I understand that to some people walking across the stage is a big thing. But, really, is it? I mean, I tried to skip my graduation ceremonies for both high school and college, considering it a huge waste of time (and in the case of college, an incredibly early rise time), but was overruled by my parents. And about one year from now, Brooke won’t care less about her graduation day, except for maybe hanging your tassel on your rear-view mirror. So I’m having trouble sympathizing with her "plight."Melrose wanders into the backyard where, it appears, unbeknownst to any of the girls, an entire photo shoot setup has been erected. The way she’s acting, all nervous and jittery, it’s like the folks from "Dateline NBC" just arrived on her front doorstep. "Hi," says this lady, "I’m Elyssa Traub, one of your photo producers." Elyssa looks exactly what I imagine a grown-up BLOSSOM would look like — you know, if Mayim Bialik hadn’t gone on to be a neuroscientist (and, uh, look like this). Elyssa introduces the photographer this session — perhaps you’ve heard of her? Tyra Banks? Melrose does the weakest job faking she’s thrilled. Seriously, can this woman not show up and "surprise" them every episode?It’s time for the same old photo shoot Tyra pulls out of her weave every year — the close-up, black and white photo of the girls with a lot of eye makeup. Last season’s gimmick was the tears — like this photo of finalist JOANIE — and this time around it’s … funky contact lenses. I can tell Michelle is totally my kind of girl because she puts the contact lens in her mouth to lubricate it before she pops it in her eye — totally unsanitary, but that’s the sign of a hardcore wearer right there.Jaeda complains about her hair a lot after the shoot, how she doesn’t feel like a girl blah blah blah. Eugena, girl, I’m totally on your side.The next day the girls trundle off to meet "Raja," apparently the drag-queen persona of makeup artist Sutan, who you can tell is being groomed to be the next J Alexander in terms of screen time. Really, do you miss Miss J at all, now, and when he shows up at panel wearing an idiot headband and hairpiece, are you glad to see him at all? More Sutan, less Miss J!Sorry. Anyway, Raja introduces the girls to DITA VON TEESE, burlesque revivalist (and wife of Marilyn Manson). She performs a striptease, then shows back up on stage in a supercute ’40s-style dress and "meh" hat. She looks about 4 feet tall next to Sutan. Today the girls will be strutting with props like a boa, a riding crop, a fan … getting in touch with their sexy — not sleazy! — side.Jaeda complains how "knowing that I have short hair" hinders her performance. New drinking game! One shot every time this wench complains about having a totally cute Halle Berry haircut.Ooh, time for one more shot already, because at the house, she’s talking to … someone and saying, "when I look in a magazine and see long luscious hair, I think, wow, that’s what I want, long luscious hair." Actually, thats two shots.Stupid challenge of the week: Cathy Gould of the Elite modeling agency is having a "private party" — translation: fake one, exclusively for TV cameras — and the girls will have to be the main attraction. By tromping up and down the dining room table. Also, Cathy Gould has the worst delivery ever: You might as well have her looking down at her cue cards. Along for the ride for no particular reason is model KYLIE BAX, who was kind of hot back in the mid-’90s when she had supershort hair — see? — and girls like her and Carolyn Murphy first showed up. Now she’s … well, not looking so good, and certainly looking matronly for someone born in 1975. As an aside, don’t Google her without your "safe filter" on, unless you’re a breast fan. Apparently she’s fond of taking her top off. She is Australian …The girls walk on the table. It’s stupid. The winner is Melrose, who saves us the trouble of pointing out the irony that the oldest competitor will, as the prize, be appearing in a spread in "Seventeen" magazine (by saying so herself). CariDee, however, goes all sour grapes: "If she’s the best, she’s the best, and that’s great," she spits out. "Good for her, she won again." She can barely choke back the bile. Great TV!Melrose picks Brooke and the twins to accompany her on the shoot. Where we run into Atoosa Rubenstein, whose "Hi girls! I’m Atoosa Rubenstein, editor in chief of Seventeen magazine! It’s good to see you again!" delivery is 150,000 percent of Cathy Gould’s is not. I still hate her. If she’s the guest judge again, I might have to pull an Elvis and shoot my TV. The girls shoot an editorial for the October issue. (Hey, wait, it’s October now! I need to go pick up a copy — oh, no I don’t. You won’t get me that easily, Rubenstein!)This week’s photo shoot continues the sensual/sexual theme by making the girls pose as models for romance novel covers! The photographer is Randee St. Nicholas, which I think marks the first time I’ve actually heard of the photographer. I wonder if she has a drug habit to support if she’s slumming for "ANTM."Brooke is very excited to meet their male model: "I’m thinking he’s young, hot, let’s get some testosterone!" Get ready for the cartoon screeching-brakes sound, because they’ll be posing with … Fabio!Which, really, is kind of awesome. Young, no; hot, mmmaybe; but still: Freaking Fabio! When I lived in Colorado and he came out with his own fragrance, a friend and I drove four hours to Denver and stood in line so we could get autographs. We just brought photos (which we had dedicated to a female friend of ours), but other people had book covers and even lunch boxes (which made me jealous). And you’ve got to respect a guy who can make fun of himself in the "I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter" and those "life comes at you fast" insurance ads. We never see him without his shirt off, which leads me to believe the ravages of time have begun to take their toll on America’s onetime romance novel cover king.In an "isn’t it ironic?" twist, straight-twin Amanda plays a girl leaving Fabio … for another woman! Recently-gay twin Michelle has trouble with the snuggle factor of her shoot, in which she portrays the mother of a "love child." Eugena is kind of dead in her "caught in a secret tryst" photo. Brooke is atrocious in her "please don’t leave me!" moment — great body language, bad face. This is the shoot at which I remembered how gigantic Fabio really is. His legs are like tree trunks (not that I got to feel). "Peasant girl" CariDee has no trouble with her shoot, and "bordello madam" Melrose really does well, perhaps because she’s approximately the same age as him. In the episode, it seems like "vampire victim" Jaeda at least grabs a couple of good shots after a lot of bitching from Jay Manuel, and Anchal does well as Cleopatra.However, if you want to see this week’s photos, click here, because I’m not uploading a bunch of photos that Tyra has splashed her name across pretending it’s a book she wrote. Also, I hope Sutan didn’t do the makeup at this shoot, because it’s pretty ugly.After the shoot, Brooke interviews that "If I get sent home on the night of graduation … that would suck." Ooh, I really wish you hadn’t said that. …At judging, the girls walk in to Tyra, with a ludicrous ocean wave of a hairstyle and a stone face. Suddenly, when they’re all in position, she’s all smiles and "Hi, everyone!" Talk about turning it on and off for the camera. Speaking of ludicrous hair, J. Alexander has a hairstyle Tyra compares to a "bird of paradise," to which he replies, patting his ‘do, "I am a bird of paradise." I would have said "cockatoo," myself, but …Guest judge is Cathy Gould, whom Anchal dreads since Cathy uttered those horrific words: "Your body’s not what a model’s should be." Which, by the way, is true.Tyra makes the whole recap about her, of course: I was the photographer, Amanda had trouble until I coaxed her out of it, I’m going to show each girl how it would have improved her shoot to go from this (one pose) to this (exact same pose, only supposed to be radically different).In an interesting note, Tyra says to CariDee’s face, "You commit in a way that is insane to me" and praises her shoots. Once the models are out of the room, however Tyra says that CariDee needs to learn the difference between driven and desperate. Backstabber!Here it goes: Amanda is most improved — thanks to Tyra’s tutelage, of course! Then the usual contenders until … wha? Jaeda is safe? The last three are Michelle, who gets called out for her "I’ve never cuddled with anyone" bit by getting nicknamed "Miss Excuses" (like it’s happened every week). But of course she’s safe — she’s a new lesbian, for god’s sake, we’ve got weeks of drama to wring out of that! Father’s Day is just around the corner! — so it’s down to Brooke and Eugena.Ones all personality (and, in an editorial aside, doesn’t photograph that well) — Brooke. The other has tons of model potential but needs to learn humility. And manners — Eugena. But she’s in.The other girls start crying before she does, but as soon as she steps off the stage she starts bawling: "My freaking high school graduation!" she wails loudly. Enough with the graduation, I tell you! Well except when Tyra decides to weigh in, when I feel sorry for her all over again: "Brooke, I have something to say!" The gist of Tyra’s Very Special Message is: Sure, you could have been home graduating with all those other girls tonight, but do you know how many girls would like to be in your place right now?You mean right now — standing on a cheap set, getting cut from a CW reality show, being sent home instead of an evil dead-eyed wench, and having to go back to Keller, Texas, knowing I wasn’t even in the top half of the finalists, missing what I think is a very important milestone in my life, and having to get lectured by Tyra freaking Banks?Any takers? No?

I have no problem admitting that I’m a little bit afraid of Electric Ladyland. There’s so much going on in each store — chandeliers, pink stripes, and stuff! stuff! stuff! I worry about my retinas searing from visual overload.But here’s the thing: The store may be packed, but it’s packed with some really great stuff. Not everything may be to your liking, but there are bound to be several items you love.And it’s successful: Owner Penny Long will open her fourth store in November at Scottsdale Fashion Square. (Amazing, isn’t it, that Fashion Square is Long’s fourth choice? Usually it’s everyone else’s first.)

Long’s first store opened in north Scottsdale, across Scottsdale Road from Kierland Commons, and there’s already an Electric Ladyland open in Chandler Fashion Center and an Electric Ladyland Denim in the Arcadia neighborhood of Phoenix.She’ll donate 10 percent of sales from her grand opening of the Scottsdale Fashion Square store — 7 to 10 p.m. Nov. 2 — to her charitable group Penny’s Paws, which benefits Valley animal shelters.Want a look at the offerings in her stores? Check out www.electricladyland.com.

Uli makes clothing that women want to buy. Laura makes amazing, timeless eveningwear.Naturally, they vote JEFFREY the winner. Annoying, over-budget, raggedy-hemline "I was inspired by Japanese ghost stories and demons, and the collection evolved organically from there" Jeffrey.I’ll be inspired by Jeffrey as well for my opinion: What a bunch of $%#^.Now, I will give the man his credit. His collection began with a logical progression — the vivid red dot-print material of his first dress was followed by outfits with the same material, then the same material with a semitransparent white overlay … but that ended pretty quickly and the pieces he created weren’t that unique. Then, about halfway through his looks began to careen from space-age jackets over skinny pants (which was my favorite look) to that zipper dress. Even his models weren’t made up with a cohesive look — some had angular, heavy cuts, while others had floppy quasi updos.Anyway, let me back up. After last week’s accusations that he might not have done all the work himself, the producers disqualify a pair of shorts he doesn’t have a receipt for the work for. This is really the first time we learn of how much work the designers are allowed to farm out — beadwork, pleating, leatherwork all fall under the acceptable subcontracting category.Why does Tim Gunn always have to do the heavy lifting? He shows up — in jeans! — to say that Jeffrey is also $227.95 over budget, so he’ll have to take away something that costs that much from his collection. He decides his models won’t wear the stupid blonde wigs he had brought to make them all look the same, which he says saved him $600. (I guess that’s only $50 per wig.)Laura says she’s happy to compete fairly against him. "I want to beat him on the runway, not at the accountant’s office," she says. Is this the producers’ idea of hubris and how the gods reward it?They’re up at 4:15 a.m. to get ready for the shows. I’ve picked two pieces from each designer — one I like, the other not so much. Mouse over each photo to get my quick take, and click to have a picture of the entire outfit pop up in a new window.Jeffrey goes first — he jumps up and down like an idiot, is dressed like some "Hackers" wannabe and his music is totally overwrought. It sounds like he recorded it himself as the vanity lead singer. (I already talked about the clothing above….)Uli’s collection is awesome, and her music is perfect for the collection: Upbeat, plinky strings with a little techno beat. She’s got a few short dresses, some long Uli classic silhouettes, even that awesome bikini. The bone buckle fastener is incorporated into several looks to great effect.Laura’s collection is very classic and glamorous — she says it’s a reminder that women should take a few minutes to take care of themselves every day. It starts with a kind of unflattering camel shade in shorter lengths, but eventually the full beading effect kicks in: I wonder how heavy some of those gowns are? I admit even I grow weary of the glittering loveliness, outfit after outfit. Her music reminds me of ’40s Paris and flappers.Michael gets a rousing audience response and announces his collection is urban safari, "a woman on the hunt to find out who she is." It’s more like "a collection for Lil Kim." There are lots of cutouts and wraparounds and an unfortunate very, very bright fuchsia satin hot pant ensemble. His music sounds like hip-hop marching band.Guest judge is Fern Mallis, creator of Olympus Fashion Week.They commend Laura on the luxe look of her collection, especially since designers only had $8,000 to work with. (Still, that’s about $666 per outfit, so I’d think you could do something pretty extraordinary with it.) Her focus was extraordinary, Fern says, but Michael Kors and Nina Garcia say there was no "surprise factor." Surprise! Her clothing’s beautiful, Fern says, and women love beautiful clothing that they can wear again and again.She’s not that nice to Michael, though: She says his story was nice but "I wish I could say the collection stood up to that." He defends himself by saying he’s only 28 and still learning.Nina compliments Uli in about four sentences that, when she’s saying them, don’t sound like compliments because I keep waiting for the "BUT" that sounds like it’s about to follow: "I think your clothes are beautiful (BUT)". … "I think your clothes will sell (BUT)" …. They think there’s not a connected point of view, which I consider a specious criticism because Jeffrey’s collection peters out in that regard at about the same point Uli’s does, and although Uli’s color palette changes, her style of print remains cohesive throughout her more wildly patterned outfits, and you wouldn’t have any trouble picking them as an Uli Outfit.They say Jeffrey’s variety is "exciting," which is when I start to shift uncomfortably in my seat, realizing what this means. His non-rock-n-roll outfits, however, are unwieldy and out of place. (OUT OF PLACE! That means not connected, right?)Michael’s the first to go: He’s too young and needs to mature.They say of Laura, "Meticulous should be her middle name," but is she an innovator? Her collection is too limited. Goodbye.Jeffrey’s collection is innovative, cohesive and showed range. (To which I say: "Whaaa?")Uli gets the auf, and says to Heidi, "I never wanted to get that kiss" on the cheek, since that means she’s out of the competition. She, like the other three designers, must meet their families and loved ones in the little room behind the runway: Go into the bright light, Uli! Your mother and incredibly Germanic-looking boyfriend are waiting for you!So, Jeffrey wins. My consolation: Look how wildly popular and well-known Jay McCarroll is after his success two seasons ago. Why, he’s dragging a mannequin around Bryant Park and riding carousels with her!Well, it’s not all disapponting: Nina said that people were already trying to get in touch with Uli as soon as the show was over.So, now it’s up for debate. Agree or disagree?:(1) Michael’s final collection sank him, despite the great body of material he had accumulated through the early part of the season.(2) Laura’s narrow focus on a single archetypal style — glitzy, beaded, mature — would sell well in upper-end department stores that specialize in that clientele, but her collection wasn’t exciting enough to earn the win.(3) Uli’s collection should have won. Her dresses were better, her swimsuits were better, her range was better. As Kayne said, "Uli rocked the (dirtyword) out!"(4) A few of Jeffrey’s pieces were good — again, I loved the jacket and stovepipe pants, and although I wasn’t fond of the opening dress, a few others were OK — but I don’t see the amazing qualities to such a degree as the judges do.(5) Alison is still the cutest thing ever. Did you see her in the audience?(6) "Talkative Model" Amanda looked great on the runway. "Zaftig" Alexandra, not so much.

In tonight’s Very Special Episode we find out there’s been a stealth lesbian in the house all along, as Michelle tells her housemates that she "might be gay." Her twin does not take this news well and gives off "I can’t believe I shared a room with her for 18 years!" vibes.

Meanwhile, the bottom two contestants both happen to be tall, awkward, mannish women with short, spiky hair. The one who rocks her shoot as a man gets to stay another week. Jaeda should be getting used to being thisclose to getting kicked out — this is three weeks in a row for her.

A.J., however, cannot channel her inner J.Lo and is sent packing. While wearing the rattiest, nastiest, "better have a good story why she keeps wearing it" pink knit cap I’ve ever seen not on a homeless person. No, I take that back — even on a homeless person.

And the lesson from this week’s episode? This show needs more Janice Dickinson! And way less … well, pretty much everyone else, please. Except Melrose and Brooke and Michelle.

And don’t worry, Amanda: Your sister might turn out to just be a lug (lesbian until graduation). But I doubt it. She was way too comfortable dressed up like Ellen Degeneres.We start the episode mourning Megg — well, A.J. does, anyway. "It was like losing this huge spirit," she says. Yeah, and a huge ratty weave, too.

Ooh, I sounded a little too much like Melrose right there. She mocks the others for crying — "oh, boo-hoo!" — and says that the only person she’s going to cry for is herself. You know, I respect the principle, but damn, girl, learn how to phrase things a little nicer. Maybe they wouldn’t be calling you names like Smellrose behind your back — or to your face.

Early in the episode, the girls meet "Entertainment Tonight" correspondent Mark Steines, who gives them little tips on how to interview people. CariDee teases him by asking which designer he’s wearing, and when he lifts his lapel, she pretends to read, "Oh, Mary-Kate and Ashley!" Michelle is relaxed while Amanda seizes up, which will be her default position for the rest of this episode. But the clear pro in this little contest is Melrose, who is perfectly at ease while interviewing, even while the other girls call her "Melstank" and "Smellrose." I gotta say, you’re in your late teens, girls. You gotta do better than that if you’re going to try to hurt someone.

Surprise! It turns out their practice was not for naught — they’ll be "interviewing" Janice Dickinson on the not-at-all-fake "red carpet" outside … some random jewelry store? One by one the girls get suited up with microphones and tiny earpieces, through which Mark is trying to give them encouragement and advice, such as "get your microphone back from her." Janice is uncharacteristically subdued but still has more fun than any of the girls, which is odd considering she’s just walked a fake red carpet eight times.

It’s amazing how many girls are really bad at this. CariDee calls Janice "overpungent" but has no idea what that means. Brooke asks, "What makes you so bitchy?" and Michelle manages to mess up the store name. Jaeda is so nervous she starts to break out in hives, and A.J. has this weird ratty pink … snood-type thing on her head. It is, possibly, the ugliest piece of clothing any "Top Model" contestant has ever worn, and that includes all of Jay Manuel’s wardrobe.

Melrose nails it and wins the challenge, so she gets to work for "ET" and do red-carpet interviews at some CW event. Mostly she’s schmoozing with the boys from shows like "Gilmore Girls" and "Supernatural," but of course Tyra’s got to show up and make it all about her.

It’s about to become even more about Tyra, as she "sneaks into" the house, where every single one of the girls just happens to be asleep, although it appears to be midafternoon with the amount of sunlight streaming in the house. I suspect the producers laced the diet sodas with tranquilizers to achieve this. It’s time for the dreaded one-on-ones where Tyra tries to channel Oprah. Or possibly Barbara Walters, given the number of tears wrung out of these poor girls.

Jaeda thinks Melrose is abrasive and starts choking up. Melrose, to her credit, is having none of it. Eugena’s the first to shed full-on tears, and then the waterworks really start: Amanda’s bawling about being scared for her sister — which Tyra of course has to one-up by saying, "I cried yesterday! I cried for two hours!" CariDee talks about the heartbreak of psoriasis. Mercifully, this time there is no Anchal crying about how she doesn’t feel pretty.

Then it’s time for the "My Life as a Cover Girl" segment. Apparently life as a Cover Girl means you get to go to Asian nail salons to get a manicure. And bring your own polish. Who knew the perks were so exotic and profligate?

The twins call home so Michelle can out herself to Mom, although it appears to be Amanda who’s doing all the crying while her mom keeps asking, "You doing OK?" At the end of the conversation one of the twins says, "Happy Mother’s Day!" which tells me: (a) this series was filmed back in May? And (b) that nobody told Michelle rule #1 about coming out to your parents: Never do it on a holiday. Because next year, you know her mom’s going to be all, "Remember last year, when Michelle had to ruin my one special day of the year by announcing her love for carpet on national television, and not even on one of the good networks?" And the same thing will happen year after year, until Michelle’s sick of it and tells her mom to shut her trap and the whole thing becomes even more uncomfortable. Maybe you could get away with it on one of the lesser holidays, like Columbus Day or Boxing Day (Canadian readers only), but Mother’s Day? That’s second only to Christmas, stupid.

Time for this week’s photo shoot! Jay Manuel shows up wearing a disturbing amount of makeup, including visible lip liner. I know he’s got his own line of cosmetics to pimp, but damn: Tone that mess down, girl. The photographer is someone who just happens to have shot Tyra herself, which gives them the opportunity to shove another photo of Miss Banks down our throats.

The theme — no, the conceit — is that each girl will pose as both members of a celebrity couple: A.J., for example, will fail spectacularly at trying to embody Jennifer Lopez and husband Marc Anthony. (This reminds me of the challenge a few seasons back in which plus-size Toccara was saddled with a mechanic’s jumpsuit because it was the only outfit big enough to fit her, which put her in a right snit.)

(Click on each thumbnail to see the full photo.)

Caridee even manages to pull a great photo as Brad Pitt while holding a wailing toddler who’s understandably freaked out about such a strange stranger holding him. Her Angelina Jolie looks pretty good, too.

As Britney Spears, Brooke has to hold an eight-foot snake, and pulls a good shot (although her face is a little too ugly-intense again). Her Kfed is not so good.

Michelle, in a too-coincidental move, will be playing the lesbians: Ellen Degeneres, whose skin she occupies a little too easily, down to the dance moves, and Portia De Rossi, who … well, just kind of stands there. Just like the real Portia De Rossi.

Amanda does a good Demi Moore, but it’s her Ashton Kutcher that’s kind of amazing. Actually, her antics remind me of Justin Timberlake skewering Ashton on "Saturday Night Live" — that’s how animated she is. It comes out of nowhere, since she’s been so stiff and "I don’t want to talk about anything" all episode, but it’s great. At one point, frustrated by the over-the-top conceit, she says in frustration, "Can’t I just wear a dress or something?" My sentiments exactly: How about a challenge where we get photos that show the girls actually modeling clothing, like what happens in the real industry?

The only thing A.J. can manage about J.Lo is the booty, and that’s due to padding. She’s incredibly uncomfortable as Marc Anthony, too. After a while, it doesn’t even look like she’s trying anymore.

Jaeda nails Bobby Brown’s behavior, but her Whitney Houston … well, you know, sometimes I have trouble believing that’s the best picture, since we see her doing so well in the middle of the shoot, and when you look at the frame they chose, I think, "Really?!" Especially considering that they posted this photo of her on the media site, which puts her in better full-Whitney, diva-arm-up territory.

Eugena’s Jay-Z is good, thanks to the props, but her Beyonce is way over in Lil Kim territory. I think it’s more about the hair and dress, though.

It’s totally fake the way they tell Anchal who her characters will be: "I’ve always had two heroes, my mother and Oprah Winfrey." Tyra is kissing some serious butt on this episode. (Oprah, could you please call Tyra? It’ll save us viewers a lot of grief.) Anchal’s photo evokes Oprah’s spirit, but her inability to resemble anything like Stedman is more due to the lousy hair and makeup than her modeling skills.

And Melrose. Awesome, awesome Melrose can capture the beautiful vacantness that is Melania Trump and still look as gruff and sharpei-ish as The Donald. (Her hair is much more groomed and less flyaway than the real thing, though.)

The girls’ challenge at judging is to provide "color commentary" of footage of an "America’s Next Top Model" party. This means they have to talk about J. Alexander, Jay Manuel and Tyra. One of the girls suggests Tyra’s wearing a weave — cheeky! It only makes the digital blurring of her forehead more noticeable to me. Someone else says J. Alexander is wearing a trash bag. We have to watch him sashay chantay about a billion times, which is wearisome, as is anything he does lately (such as pat his little flip of a wig with sassy headband when being introduced at judging).

Before judging, Jaeda says, "If I’m in the bottom two, it’d be the third time. I don’t know what I’d do." Well, she’s about to find out: She and A.J. are the cellar dwellers. Luckily, as Tyra puts it, "Bobby Brown saved your butt." Jaeda’s in! A.J. is sent home — ironically, the week she’s selected as the Cover Girl of the Week by readers. She is still wearing that ugly hat, which looks as if it could crawl off on its own power.

Along those lines, the people’s choice for "Project Runway" is voted out first on the finale. But that’s another recap …

So, Tyra Banks was on "TRL" the other day, and we were finally treated to what lace-front demarcation lies behind the digital blurring we see every week on "America’s Next Top Model." A few more pics are after the jump.I think she’s shocked to realize her wig line is so obvious.And now she’s pleased because she thinks this lighting angle blends her forehead into shadows a bit more.Seriously, though, high-def TV is going to ruin glamour for everyone.

Tim Gunn visits the four finalists at home. Although they live on separate coasts, he shows up in the "same" red convertible and the same pinstripe suit.Laura stirs the pot and accuses Jeffrey of getting outside sewing help. Dun-dun-DUN. Next week: Runway show.Thoughts:For someone who talks about growing up "in the hood," Michael’s parents live in the burbs now. Plus, do Army brats end up "in the hood"? Tim sees a "conflict" in Michael’s finished garments (all three of them): They don’t look like a cohesive unit.When Tim shows up at Laura’s HUGE apartment, she says to the screen, "Oh, this is so exciting!" like it’s a surprise, although a "Project Runway" cameraman is inside her house, filming her reaction. She has an awesome apartment filled with paintings, four boys (and a fifth on the way), a husband who looks like Albert Einstein. One of her sons offers Tim Gunn some turtle poop. You really needed to see it. As far as her clothing, he loves most of it but is stymied by what appears to be a chartreuse charmeuse housecoat. "Is it even pretty?" he asks her rhetorically. "I’m not certain it is for me."Uli gets Tim out on the beach, where we see him without a jacket! And barefoot, where his pasty tootsies look even worse next to Uli’s perpetual tan. Some of her dresses use a bone-buckle fastener. They’re cool.Jeffrey’s girlfriend Melanie has a mohawk and the same tattoo he does, only on her chest. He refers to his "small sewing facility," which is like a mini-factory, and how he’s working on his other collection at the same time.Two weeks later … we’re all back in New York. It’s five days until the runway show and now Laura’s really being antagonistic toward Jeffrey during her interviews. She wants to win … just so he doesn’t. Jeffrey’s garments are suspiciously well-crafted and, more importantly, completely finished, which raises red flags among the designers. Granted, Laura starts it, but Michael and Uli second that emotion. Laura tells Tim she thinks he had outside help finishing everything up. (He also commends Laura for getting rid of "the chartreuse popsicle," and warns Michael about his collection looking too "cartoony," and making sure "it looks as though it all belongs in the closet of the same woman.")Tim collects the receipts and the next day grills Jeffrey about his collection: Did you do this zipper? These pants? Jeffrey mentions something about sending pieces out to be pleated but says he did everything himself. Now he hates Laura. She doesn’t care.Hair consultations, makeup consultations, model fittings. Next week: Runway show, results and the merciful end of my late-night Wednesday blogging adventures.

Melrose apparently doesn’t understand that once the most-hated girl in the house gets booted out, the title of most-hated girl in the house gets passed down to someone else — specifically, her, for talking bad about other contestants, for talking like a sycophant to Twiggy and … well, for just constantly talking.

But despite Anchal’s midepisode sobfest session with Tyra (in full "tell Momma all about it" mode), it’s Megg who suffers a sudden meltdown after she realizes just how lousy her photo is.

Speaking of lousy, waste-of-a-perfectly-good-masthead Atoosa Rubenstein is on this episode. But let’s not focus on the bad just yet, shall we? Let’s start out fresh, when all the girls are giddy about a Monique-free household — particularly Melrose, who’s no doubt relieved she no longer has to worry about various body fluids being issued in her direction.

Well, she would be if she could take some time out from complaining about how loud the other girls are and how late at night it is. You know that girl needs her beauty sleep. Megg, meanwhile, interviews, "I just want to rock and roll and have a good time." I think she’s like some sort of idiot robot who’s gone slightly haywire and can only repeat variations of the same phrase. (Also, the fact they tossed her in for no particular reason this early in the episode should have been your first clue she was going home tonight.)

Anchal discusses how she’s the "voluptuous" one … as she fries up four eggs for herself for breakfast, and I think she was tossing down a bit lump o’ ground sausage, too. "I’ve got breasts, and hips," she says. Yes, and you’ve also got about 1,000 greasy calories on your plate.

The Tyra Mail referred to bending over backwards, but when the girls show up, they meet a contortionist named Jonathan and the most amazing she-male ever, model Stacey McKenzie. I remember seeing her back when she first appeared in this Calvin Klein ad — she was all freckles and frizzed-out hair, with both feet squarely in the "laude" side of the "jolie/laude" category. However, I had never heard her voice, which is totally the "trying to pass" transsexual husky rasp. She’s kind of awesome, y’all, in that "what the hell?" way. I want to get Canadian TV just to see what she’s like as a judge on "Canada’s Next Top Model" (which actually exists, with "Battlestar Galactica" actress Tricia Helfer in the Tyra role). But I’ll have to settle for this shot from the show. …

Anyway, while Jonathan the contortionist throws his legs over his head in a thousand different ways, Stacey says very earnestly, "You have to do some of these poses for high fashion. You must!" Yes, but enough about the casting couch, Stacey. The girls are all wearing black leotards with colored leggings … and high-heeled shoes. At one point they’re trying to do a side plank pose and Stacey again says in all seriousness, "A lot of photographers, a lot of clients, they use this pose." While she’s standing upright. If you have ever, EVER seen a model in this pose in any magazine that wasn’t a fitness one, please send me a link to that photo.

Anchal is really flexible, not so skinny. Melrose suggests she might want to ramp up the cardio if she’s not going to cut back on the calories — which is perfectly legitimate, if slightly rude. Later that night while in the hot tub, Melrose tells other girls that when Anchal first arrived Melrose thought she would be stiff competition, but she’s realized that’s not the case. Anchal, eavesdropping from upstairs, runs into the house crying. This is what we’ve been reduced to, people.

A.J. and Megg try to comfort Anchal, A.J. using the term of endearment "honey" about 20 times a minute: "You know why (they’re saying those things), honey? ‘Cause they’re the fake ones. They don’t matter, girl." It would be easier to believe her if she weren’t wearing a puffer coat while everyone else is running around in bikinis.

Long story short: Anchal thinks she’s not pretty. Braces, glasses, wah-wah-wah. At this point, anyone who hasn’t had either braces or glasses during childhood is in the minority, so I’m not sure why this continues to plague model-wannabes as much as it does.

The next day the girls meet with Twiggy. Melrose goes all stalker-fan crazy on her, overemoting and as CariDee puts it, "sticks her nose right up their (dirtyword)."

At the challenge, a woman with hilariously overdrawn eyebrows greets them by saying, "I’m designer Bao Tranchi, and I’m very well known for my decadent collections." I hate her instantly, an impression only cemented by her MySpace page, on which she describes herself as "elevating myself above the masses of celluloid mental waste in this city, in fact, this world." And the people she wants to meet? "Anybody that has read UTOPIA and truly understood its connection to Karl Marx and Vietnam. Anybody who has been wooed by Thomas Hardy while pierced by the hauntings of Portisehead (cq)."

I’m writer Sam Mittelsteadt, and I’m very well known for my incisive criticism. Well, maybe not, but at least all the bands are spelled right on my MySpace page.

Anyway, she’s not very well known, although she appears to be a legend in her own mind. Jewelry Erica Courtney, on the other hand, is famous. She also says like two words this entire episode and looks like a soccer mom, not an overstyled L.A. tragedy. The prize for this episode is $32,000 worth of her jewelry.

Bao blows a bunch of smoke up Melrose’s backside about how beautiful she is — yes, she does look nice at right, doesn’t she, with her hair totally obscuring her face — and Melrose interviews how the designer wants "a fantas-iful fairy who’s all nice and sweet, but also this diva bitch," and then she just keeps talking and talking and talking …

The girls must hold "extreme" poses of their own choices. Eugena wins (see left), which makes Melrose keep talking and talking and talking about how she woulda coulda shoulda done better and won. Nobody’s listening to her.

The next day Tyra shows up for the "I love my girls!" time, which is really an excuse to practice her empathy skills so it appears as if she cares. Which would be hard to do, sure, if they keep talking like Jaeda: "I need to keep making sure I show confidence with my hair."

Enough with the hair — on both fronts! It’s an awesome haircut. Learn to love it, or at least accept it while it grows out. You’ve got professional hair and makeup people on every stupid shoot to ensure you look good. How can this be an issue? Meanwhile, Tyra said she did it so they could "break (Jaeda) down" and start fresh, so why the hell is she so amazed at Jaeda’s bad adjustment period?

The next day, the girls are driven out to, as Brooke puts it, "the desert in the middle of nowhere, about two hours from our house," and while my heart was set on a reality-TV version of "The Hills Have Eyes" or some other film in which saucy, stupid young wenches are served up as fare for sadistic cannibals, I’ll have to settle for … Jay Manuel, who informs them they’ll be posing as circus freaks.

And speaking of freaks, guest judge will be screen-hog editor of Seventeen magazine, Atoosa Rubenstein. I think they put her on this episode just so Melrose’s voice and opinions would sound like music to your ears by comparison. While the girls pose, she will say things like, "You know those people who do yoga? They’re so elegant!" and "He spent so much time coaching you, he didn’t have time to direct the shoot." (So, he spent so much time telling you what to do, he didn’t have any time telling you what to do.) She will also rear her ugly head — yes, and I mean that literally — during judging, but that’s not important now.

In a too-perfect-to-be-coincidental move, many of the girls will be epitomizing their weaknesses: Melrose, who "photographs old," will be a woman with a young body but a very old face. Jiggly Anchal will be the "giant woman." Manly Jaeda will be the "strong woman."

Other girls get off a little easier: A.J. is a cannibal, Brooke is the rubber girl, Megg is the bearded lady, the twins are … well, Siamese twins, Eugena is a bird woman, CariDee is the elephant woman. And Atoosa Rubenstein — say it out loud! it’s fun! — is a witch. Oh, she’s not in costume! Anyway, mouse over the photo for a quick summary of the shoot, and click on it to bring up a new window with the full-size photo.

CariDee rocks her shoot. Atoosa says, "By the end of this shoot, I wanted an elephant nose!" (Oh, you don’t have to settle for the hook you’ve got, Rubenstein — you’re surrounded by surgeons in New York.) Other girls who do well are Eugena and A.J.

And then … Megg. She realizes her session is lame, and spends the rest of the episode crying about it, even during judging. And Tyra’s helpful advice — you know, the kind she offers only on the episode when the girl gets kicked off — is: "You know, the bearded lady probably didn’t want to be there."

The bottom two are Megg and Jaeda … but Jaeda gets another chance.

I feel sorry for Megg until she opens her mouth and vows to start a two-person band and be both model and rocker. I wonder how long that lousy weave will last on her head.

Remember when the trend was for that simple, clean, very linear pendant and earring, usually in pave diamonds? (It still looks amazing and spartan.) Credit New York jewelry designer Mimi So.

Actually, you’ll be able to thank her in person, since she’ll swing by Neiman Marcus for two days to discuss fall trends — including her new collection, Gate B9, which includes the earring at right — and give personal consultations.

Look for her in the Precious Jewels Salon at the luxury retailer, 6900 E. Camelback Road, Scottsdale, from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. Oct. 20 and 21.

(And right across the way in the Designer Jewelry section, take a peek at the Lagos line during a trunk show that runs the same hours on Oct. 20.)

Information: (480) 990-2100.

I’ll admit it: I pulled rank once.We wanted to go to a SMoCA Nights event but — stupid us! — didn’t think it would be that crazy busy, so we thought we could buy our tickets that night.When we got there, the line stretched from the Scottsdale Museum of Contemporary Art so far halfway to the line of restaurants by AZ/88. We thought it was futile — until we realized our media credentials were in the car. (Yes, Jen, I’m dragging you down with me.) And after a quick trip to the parking garage, we sailed in while more than half the people in line never even made it in that night.Don’t let that happen to you: Buy your tickets in advance.The fall edition, "Luna," will begin 9 p.m. Nov. 9. Think of it as a three-tiered approach:(1) Music. Tucson band The Year of Acceleration and DJ trio The Mod Squad.(2) Art. Artist "superhero" Mark Newport, aerial gymnast Elliott Hobbs, the urban-painting art collective Alpha Monster, plus the four exhibits on display at the art museum.(3) Fashion. A show featuring local designers including alison Leigh, AGA by Alex Garcia, Amycreates! by Amy Ronhovde, Jose Trifilio, Elizabeth Albet, Esha by Tara Myers, and Angela Johnson.Oh, and drinks. And appetizers. And awesome people-watching. And hair done by the incredibly awesome Ethan, over at Urban Hair.So, it sounds silly but buy your tickets now so you can sail to the front of the line, too. They’re $15 ($10 if you’re a museum member) at the museum, 7374 E. Second St., Scottsdale, or (480) 994-2787. (Handy mnemonic: 994-ARTS.)

It’s not just hair salons that are raising money, either: Three upcoming fashion shows also will raise money for charities.Myst nightclub in Scottsdale will host CATWALK FOR THE CURE Oct. 14, including a runway show with fashions from designer Jessica Kinni, plus clothing from stores like Brass Heart in Mesa and Moody Blues in Chandler. Tickets are $10 in advance, $15 at the door; VIP tickets, which include free food and drinks, are $50 per person, $90 per couple. Sky boxes will go for $2,000. Money will benefit the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. Doors at the nightclub, 7340 E. Shoeman Lane, open at 7 p.m. and the fashion show should begin around 8:30 (but expect it to be fashionably late, of course). Buy tickets at www.scottsdalemodels.com or for more information call (520) 241-5377.Diva — one of the few East Valley boutiques that specializes in great clothing sizes 14 to 24 — will dedicate its second annual CELEBRATE YOUR CURVES fall fashion show to raising money for the Animals Benefit Club of Arizona, a no-kill shelter for dogs and cats. The Oct. 28 luncheon fashion show will include three-course lunch from Veneto Trattoria — which is where the event will take place, just a few doors down from Diva in the Hilton Village shopping center, 6107 N. Scottsdale Road, Scottsdale. Fashions will include designs from lines like Misook, Eileen Fisher and Vikki V. The $20 admission also gets attendees a $15 gift certificate to Diva, plus chocolates from Chatham’s Fine Chocolates. Information: (480) 948-8777.