A quick summary of what I learned from the two-hour season premiere of "America’s Next Top Model":– Tyra Banks is a big fat liar, starting from the voiceover when she says "Our finalists have blasted into success." – And when I say "fat," I mean (as Tyra would say when she goes all ghetto for no reason) "Lawd a’mighty — she big as a house!" Remember when she went "undercover" as a fat girl on her talk show? I’m saying she’s not so undercover any more. Girl is one macrame shrug and a pair of sneakers away from the picture at the left.– This season is going to be more Tyra-intensive, from the decked-out limo to the poster-emblazoned walls to even the photos on the Tyra mails and the Tyra’s Annoying Too Late Advice segment.– Someone on the staff has the job of digitally blending out Tyra’s wig line, which was clearly visible on the screener DVD. Unfortunately, that person has such a heavy hand with the blending tool that the top inch of her forehead — or, in her (and my) case, a fivehead — looks like it’s been through a soupy fog.– "A little mirror time" can solve almost any problem.– Things that have already become tiresome: Megg screaming like a rocker chick; Melrose’s weird runway walk; Brooke rapping.– Monique is already full-blown, bat$&% crazy. (I told you so!)A more complete rundown is after the jump.The first hour of the premiere is the standard whittling-33-to-13 scenario: A meeting at the airport, where Miss J is decked out in full stewardess drag and sashays them through the airport to their "just off the plane!" photo shoot. How the hell did he get past security? At one point, Miss J is also wearing the yellow inflatable flotation devices, which I think is awesome.Then it’s off to a hotel rooftop, where the girls are confronted by last season’s Aswirl Twins, two superfemme black brothers whose only apparent skill is teaching women how to whirl about and "work" a garment.While they’re still dizzy, suddenly Tyrant appears, and let me tell you, girl has put on some weight. She’s wearing a horrific black dress with a ginormous patent leather belt and these weird mini-gloves that make her look like she’s developed an S&M/Howard Hughes-style germaphobia. Also, in an attempt to make her look slimmer, her hair is the size of my kitchen table. And, as I mentioned earlier, her wig line is digitally blurred to the point where I think pea soup might be nice for dinner.Here are the girls: CariDee, from Fargo, N.D. (like my friend and co-worker Jess Harter!), a crazy blonde who says "the most famous person we have in North Dakota is Paul Bunyan … and he’s dead." (Jess says that Paul Bunyan is from Brainerd, Minn., and I say that Paul Bunyan is fictional, so CariDee might want to hit the books soon.)Anchal is Indian but wears blue contacts. They ask her if she thinks dark eyes are pretty, but she ought to be worrying about those dark circles under her eyes. Also, while she’s pretty straight-on, from the side she looks kind of weasel-y. Remember Kelly and her snout from a couple seasons back? I’m just saying. …Jaeda says she was "the hot girl" in high school. If by "hot girl" she means "preoperative transexual," I would agree. Girl is giving off serious Coryn vibes. Where’s the she-nis? Jay Manuel says Jaeda is more masculine than he is. I say that doesn’t take much.Monique says she needs to be there because she’s darker skinned than the rest of her family. Then she starts bawling. Yes, this is how models get booked all the time: Sobbing about their childhoods. Jay says that she’s got a look that could book "cosmetic campaigns, high fashion editorials … and liquor." Which is to say: Pretty ghetto. Look for her in a bikini in a Colt .40 ad after this season ends.Up next, Megan, who manages to stay tear-free while she recounts how when she was young, the plane she and her mother were in crashed in a field; her mom was killed but the heat from her body kept Megan warm until she was rescued. Martyred mom beats Blacula teasing every time, Monique. Pay attention.Then it’s "My Life as a Cover Girl." Danielle says "in a city that moves this fast," her name is now Dani. I stop listening then.A.J. survived cervical cancer. Melissa Rose just goes by Melrose — "I don’t need the -issa," she says. I hate her on sight.Amanda and Michelle are 18-year-old twins. They give off serious Shandi vibes — aka, wait till the makeover, and even then they’re gonna be the "striking" (not "pretty") ones.Brooke is 18 and from Texas. She’s very perky — she reminds me of Kirsten Dunst’s character in "Bring It On" — but she says that she’s "giving up" the last part of her senior year to be here. You don’t miss much, honey. She "raps" little verses that sound more like cheers. It’s gonna get old.Megg claims to be a rocker chick. She’s 18, white, from L.A. and skin and bones. Real rocker chicks would snap her in half.Kind of boring: Eugena and Christian. One of them you won’t have to worry about much longer.Girls who don’t make the final cut include: (1) Ginger, a conservative Republican who freaks out during the first photo shoot, which is naked — sorry, "nude," because it’s tasteful. At least we got this over with early, the girl who has troubles exposing her "private parts." Have these girls never watched this show before? Anyway, Ginger looks a lot like Amanda Seyfried from "Mean Girls" and "Veronica Mars." (2) Jaslene, who says things like "Every day is a fashion opportunity" and "I walk like this (superstrutting) every day" and is compared to Cha Cha DiGregorio — the best dancer at St. Bernadette’s (with the worst reputation) from "Grease." (3) Cyndel, who works at Jezebel’s as an entertainer.I love this moment, because Cyndel says "I’m not a stripper, I’m an entertainer — big difference." And then she tells Tyra, "In a way, it’s another part of the fashion world." Tyra, of course, goes ape^#(@ on her: "I’m not putting you down because you’re an exotic dancer or a stripper," Tyra says, in a tone that clearly shows she is indeed putting her down because she’s an exotic dancer or a stripper.Anyway, final selections: Tyra’s wearing a slightly different black dress with that same huge belt. I wonder if it’s a decorative truss/girdle. When they pick Brooke she starts rapping again: "I got a lot of personality you just can’t bottle / Here I am girls, I’m on ‘America’s Next Top Model’!" Please stop. I want to like you. …And the last thing I learned: Remember to update your blogging every couple of minutes, because otherwise at 12:47 a.m. when you finish your recap of the second hour, your application will tell you that it can’t update it because it logged you out long ago, and like a dumb@$$ you didn’t save your text anywhere else. The second half will have to wait … and I even had links, darn it!In the interim, check out fellow staff writer — and speedy typist — Albert Ching’s blog thoughts about the episode. It makes me so happy we could badger him into actually watching it … Soon he’ll be as shallow and facile as the rest of us.

Posted in: ANTM |

You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.