Is this what sympathy pains are like? Because like Laura, whose pregnancy is gaining at alien-like timetable (if this keeps up, she’ll deliver before the season’s done), I am losing steam quickly on this season of "Project Runway." Even my long-desired dreams came true tonight … and I could barely muster an "eh."(Now, if the Olsen twins really show up next week, that will get me to sit up and take notice, if only to see how Mary-Kate looks these days. Guest judge come runway time is Zac Posen, so it’s not like the Olsens are the ultimate arbiters.)Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah: Vincent is gone. No more sewing in his underclothes, no more discomfiting dialogue with models or producers, no more vaguely annoying (but nowhere in the league of Jeffrey jerkiness) antics to liven up the proceedings. Careful what you wish for …The designers, fresh from their flight to Paris and still in the clothing they made for themselves last week, get their next challenge: Create a couture-style garment in two days. For the fashion-challenged viewers, Tim Gunn explains: Couture means "handmade." (Also: "expensive.") On a true couture gown, everything is hand-sewn: the hems, the embroidery, the beading. (Again: expensive, although in "PR" style, the designers only get 300 euros, about $375.) They’ll show their creations at a party thrown by guest judge Catherine Malandrino.I think one of my favorite moments of the show is when Tim stops by the designers’ temporary digs and remarks: "It’s nice! It’s very French! How thrilling!" in that same tone he would say, "I’m thrilled to introduce you to this week’s guest judge" or, basically anything else on the show. It sounds sincere but overly enunciated. (Read: faking.) And plus, of course the room’s very French. They’re in France.Jeffrey says some BS about how the designers are "letting the inspiration of the city flow through us" as we see them sketching outside, which reminds me of when we would beg our college professors to hold literature discussion classes outdoors in springtime and you spent the entire hour not paying attention to the program BOOK! I meant BOOK! Not referring to a boring episode at all!No matter what, Vincent goes and ruins it by saying how he trained in couture and so this challenge — you guessed it — "turns him on." I’m sure Karl Lagerfeld and his little fan would be thrilled. (You know, with Karl Lagerfeld, I bet he actually might. But I digress.)While shopping for fabrics, Jeffrey announces he’s been inspired by the Statue of Liberty (a gift from the French to the U.S., although he doesn’t mention it). He reveals this by selecting … a bright yellow plaid print, which also happens to be used on a dress form that’s in the store. (By this token, I could say that I was inspired by the Leaning Tower of Pisa when I bought a reversible two-shades-of-gray cotton V-neck sweater in the sale section at Banana Republic over the long weekend.)After last week’s judge smackdown, Uli selects fabrics that have no print in them whatsoever. "No crazy prints, no crazy colors," she says, a complete reversal from last week’s "it looks good even when you’re wasted."We have to see Vincent in his undershirt this week — unexplained, yes, but a step up from seeing him in his boxers, so I’ll take it. He keeps talking about how great the pattern is looking. Laura, whose description should change from "architect" to "she says what viewers at home are thinking," says Vincent is "a legend in his own mind." There’s a great shot of him yammering on about his creation while Laura doesn’t even try to stifle a big yawn.Kayne, meanwhile, is having trouble reining in his "Vegas tendencies," as Laura puts it. When Tim Gunn shows up, here’s how he eases into his critique: "I’m saying this to you only in the spirit of someone who wants you to succeed." You know whatever comes next isn’t going to be good. And Kayne blithely disregards Tim’s input, just like Angela did last week, and Katherine did the week she got booted. …If you’re self-described "white trash," probably the smartest thing you could do in this competition would be to heed the advice of someone who’s pretty much the antithesis of white trash. Just a thought from a guy from a town of 8,000 on the Montana plains. If Tim Gunn showed up at my house, took a look at what I had put on and started a sentence with "I’m saying this to you only in the spirit of someone –" I would not only remove the offending garments before he had finished the sentence, but probably burn them. There’s a reason he’s there as a mentor.Anyway: Laura has a little sign that says "Caution: Fleurchamps going on." This makes me reconsider my spelling of fleurchons, but I decide against it. Also, I start looking for rosettes. I can’t help it.And, as it turns out, there’s a big flower glued onto the back of Vincent’s dress. A lot of stuff has been glued onto Vincent’s dress, because apparently he can’t manage his time well. His dress is also kind of badly formed and ugly: The top is open too wide (he’s taking lessons from Laura!), and the bottom resembles what, when I lived in small-town Montana, I thought "fancy Christmas gift wrap" should look like. I think Uli refers to it as a sofa fabric.Everyone’s harping about everyone else’s gown. Jeffrey says of Michael’s ruched bodice: "I think that’s what Malan was trying to do," referring to that designer’s lumpy, misshapen technique that got him auf’d early in the season. Laura’s creation is …well, long-sleeved and black wool, with puffy white cuffs and a collar that when at full frill looks like something Queen Elizabeth might have worn. (It also reminds me of a frilled lizard at full fright mode.)And here’s when I notice that every designer except for Laura is dressed like he or she is about to perform some strenuous household chores: T-shirts and shorts for the men, a cami-style top for Uli. It almost makes me yearn for the days of Malan, who you know would have been totally decked out for a trip to France. What did these people pack in their suitcases? They had an hour, for heaven’s sake.Catherine’s fancy party turns out to be on a boat on the Seine. While they are walking there, some guy in a second-floor apartment decides to chuck some eggs at them, and one splatters on the ground and gets the bottom of Michael’s dress all nasty. And, surprisingly, nobody confronts him or says, "Hey, WTF?" Not even Tim Gunn: "Excuse me, monsieur? I was wondering if we could caucus about your decision to pelt the designers with oeufs?" The camera just pans up to the guy. It’s never explained why the guy thought it’d be a great idea to throw eggs at people. Maybe he was aiming for Vincent’s ugly dress — an editorial statement — but couldn’t aim very well.This week Catherine is relatively restrained in her comments. She tells Laura it’s very "audacious" to create a dress with long sleeves, for example, but you can’t necessarily tell from her demeanor whether that’s good or bad.Vincent decides to ask her about it: In fact, he decides to ask her about pretty much everything. He’s trying to suck up in those most blatant, stomach-churning way possible. Yes, she does look pretty awesome with some killer shades, but he asks her if those are "her shoes" (answer: no) and tells her what an amazing woman she is, which gives me flashbacks to Keith being all molestery on Miss USA a few weeks back. He asks her point-blank what she thought about his dress and she says it’s "interesting." Which, as everyone should know, is the way you say "horrible" in polite company.I am pleased to see Collier Strong finally has a new technique/product to hawk during the L’Oreal ad. I am not pleased to see his "smoky eye" and how amazingly unsmoky it really looks. And I’m finally going to say what I thought the first time I saw these ads, and what every single newcomer I’ve watched the show with has said out loud: For a skin care/cosmetics company spokesman, he’s got some really distracting skin issues. Should it matter? Absolutely not. Does it? It pulls the focus away from whatever he’s saying, that’s for sure. (And if he’s responsible for Beyonce’s pinkeye look in those new ads for L’Oreal’s H.I.P. line, he should be fired.)It’s back to New York for judging. Heidi emerges with some lovely tousled hair — a welcome change from last week’s severe bangs — and a cute little black dress. Guest judge this week is Richard Tyler, who just happens to have designed the new uniforms for Delta Airlines, which just happens to have been the airline that flew our contestants to Paris. Synchronicity! If only he had been filmed pulling up in a Saturn Sky roadster, it would have been complete.My second-favorite moment is when Michael confesses that he’s "sweating like a whore in church" about his dress. Only because my mom used to say that. (Not about herself in church, I hasten to add.) Michael’s dress … well, let’s look at his, and everyone else’s, shall we?Michael’s bodice is an improvement upon Malan’s, but that’s damning with faint praise. The judges suggest tucking in the cups that poke up above the line of the gown (Heidi compares them to bunny ears), and it’s an immediate improvement. Also, this is when I realize that his model really is all about the hair. With it tamed, she’s not that striking.Kayne’s chiffon ombre skirt gets kudos from the judges, but the gold beaded top with exposed boning earns this from Michael Kors: Maybe his middle name is "too much." It photographs lovely in still pictures, but up close the boning is visible through the material.Laura’s dress really does look fusty — sort of what I imagine an aging star in the ’20s swanning around the house in. The collar lost a lot of its volume on the trip across the Atlantic, so it’s flatter, but that alone doesn’t sink the design as much as the overall boring effect does. (Michael Kors says: Shorten it and give her a feather duster, and she’s a French maid.)Uli’s dress … still Uli, just now print-free. There’s a lot of braiding detail that covers the hem and trim, and the judges love that she toned down the color — they say it shows her growth. It’s Grecian-glamorous but not really distinctive — although against this field of contenders, it looks pretty amazing.Jeffrey’s gown … well, as Tim Gunn says in his podcasts, it’s all about the tastes. The judges love its exuberance and how he took creative chances; I think it makes the model look like a walking Highland Fling, and a toilet paper cozy from the waist down. When she walks, the cut lets you see what kind of waxing she prefers. (Which is to say: Santino Rice ripoff.)And Vincent’s. It’s never a good sign when the judges suggest the front of your gown should be the back, and vice versa. But really, it wouldn’t hurt. But then again, it probably wouldn’t help, either: The odd cap sleeves with shoulder pads are distracting and uneven, and there’s a fleurchon writ horribly large right at the small of her back.They start with the winner of the challenge: For the second week in a row, it’s Jeffrey. But although the winner gets some special prize in a future challenge, it’s hinted, there will be no immunity. Uli’s safe, Michael’s safe, Kayne’s safe. It’s down to Laura (!) and Vincent.Vincent’s dress lacked finishing and detail, and the front looked like the back. Laura, your look was "old and predictable. We’ve seen it before … and done better." (And that was true even with collar at Full Angry Lizard, as seen at left during the Paris trip.) And I will admit that when I heard that, I thought Laura was a goner. But it’s Vincent, who takes his loss graciously and smiles his way through his goodbyes.Up alone in the design room, though, he has to ruin any goodwill he’s accumulated by announcing — you guessed it — that the experience "got him off." The good news: That’s the last time we’ll hear that phrase until the reunion special. The better news: Olsen twins next week! I can’t wait until Kimmy Gibler shows up a couple episodes down the pike.

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