Good news for Uli fans:She made it to Olympus Fashion Week.Good news for Laura fans:She made it to Olympus Fashion Week.Good news for Jeffrey fans:He made it to Olympus Fashion Week.Good news for Michael fans:He made it to Olympus Fashion Week.Bad news for fans of logical consistency:Nobody gets booted this week. Even though a couple of designers deserved to.You know, Heidi Klum had been making the talk-show rounds dropping such vague hints as "maybe all four will show at Fashion Week," so it wasn’t like it was a real surprise. But still, I can’t help but think of some of the other designers who never got a gimme, especially with so much at stake.Jeffrey interviews what we’ll hear variations of through the entire episode: Each designer is very different. If you like "peasant blouses, big and flowy," you’ll like Uli. "Run-of-the-mill, friendly fashion," that’s Michael. "Mothballs and chicken soup," that’s Laura. If you want to "live dangerously, I’m in," he says, and then does the most "dangerous" thing any 12-year-old girl can do: He flips off the camera. So edgy! I bet he listens to old-school Avril Lavigne and really gets it, you know?Here comes Heidi with the Black Velvet Bag of Chance. It’s been a long time since we picked models, and there are four designers but seven models littering the stage. Laura sticks with Well-Spoken Model, but Uli steals Michael’s model Nazri, she of the wild hair and jagged teeth. Michael says, "I’m going to kill you" and picks someone else, and Jeffrey stays with his model. Goodbye, Scary Jia Replacement, Talkative Model, and Heavy-Lidded Model. …The designers meet Nina Garcia in the Elle offices, and in a bit of not at all foreshadowing, she talks to them about editorial fashions while standing in front of big blowup versions of the magazine’s The Look pages. Back at the work room, they learn the challenge is to create a look that conveys their point of view as a designer. They’ll have to come up with three words that describe themselves, and thus the look.Jeffrey decides to really mix things up and make something very romantic, and thus he will make a red, white and blue dress. I think he’s mixed up "romantic" with "patriotic." Laura says she’s not going to be crazy and different, but instead will "do what I do best, better than I’ve done since I’ve been here." Indeed, her sketch looks just like every other Laura dress that’s trotted down the runway.Michael’s having some grief because none of his sketches have the "wow factor" that usually inspire him. Uli’s got a sketch and a description: "print, colorful, flouncy … Uli." They head to the fabric store.Four hours left in the first day, and Michael’s still sketching. Suddenly inspiration strikes and he says his words are "sexy," "sensual" and "sophistication." His sketch looks quite nice.Meanwhile, Uli has decided her dress looks like a house dress, so with one hour to go on the first day, she cuts it up into pieces to start over again. In a funny bit, she pretends she’s doing the voiceover announcement as they cut to commercial: "Coming up, Uli doesn’t finish her dress, but watch what happens on ‘Project Runway.’"Tim gathers the designers for the big "surprise": The winning design will be featured in Elle magazine! On one of The Look pages! Photographed by Gilles Bensimon. The bad news: Their work time today has been cut by six hours. They’ll be given a camera and photograph their model somewhere that tells a story. This causes Uli consternation at first, but she whips into high gear and pulls through with a pretty sexy dress.Michael’s, though, has taken on a tawdry tone: Uli says it "looks like one of those ads, I’m alone at home, please call me at 1-800 … sex ads." There’s a keyhole slot in the middle that is way too open, and the wrap detail at the waist doesn’t carry through up to the top as it was supposed to.(During commercials, I see a model that makes me flash back to living in Colorado: I found a photo of Trish Goff in an Elizabeth Arden ad, and haunted my stylist with it for months as I begged her to re-create the color on my own head. "See how it’s light brown without being reddish?" I’d say. "And there’s dark underneath? I want that." Never quite realizing it would never work, since the photo had been retouched and color-corrected and I didn’t have the straight hair that looks good with highlights and lowlights. Eventually my hair started breaking off because it had been bleached and straightened so much, and I buzzed my hair into a military style to get all the damage off my head. Anyway, now she has long dark hair again.)Back to the show!Michael seems blissfully unaware of how cheap and sleazy his dress looks — he loves it and says, "I even made a white girl look like she got some ass." (As in "baby got back," not "baby got action.") Nonetheless, let me reiterate: Keyhole is way too wide in the middle; it looks like it’s cheap material, which is bad because they got $250 to spend on this challenge; and even the model’s hair and makeup is like Kimora Lee Simmons for Maxim and Girls Gone Wild. By the way, his official three words are "sexiness," "sultry" and "sensuality." My suggested three words: "porn awards ceremony."Laura’s dress is a very light pink with a plunging V neckline and lots of beading and even I, a huge Laura fan, am getting sick of seeing the same thing week after week from her. There is a difference between classic and repetitive. Her three words: "glamour," "confidence" and "elegance." My suggested three words: "same old (starts with S)."Jeffrey’s dress … well, it came out better than the sketch, anyway. The blue is actually a cornflower, which I like, but the skirt looks like it has a couple of elastic-gather drawstrings in it, one at the waist and one at the hem. His three words are "provocative," "irreverent" and "romantic." My suggested three words: "shut up, Jeffrey."Uli’s dress is the clear winner: The shape is different from anything she’s done before (Laura!), yet it’s clearly recognizable as an Uli garment (Jeffrey!) and the keyhole has what the guest judge calls "a teaspoon of skin," not a couple of running-over cups (Michael!). Her three words: "fun," "life," "adventure." My suggested three words are actually her three words from much earlier in the show: "print," "colorful," "Uli" (since "flouncy" doesn’t really work here).The judges deliberate: Heidi says there’s nothing provocative about Jeffrey’s design, and in fact, if the photo had the model "milking a cow, I could understand it." They say Laura’s outfit is another "little dress with a spare bare neck" and "not a surprise," and they’re particularly disappointed in Michael, who usually does so well not only in the creation of the garment but its presentation.Uli, of course, wins, and is elated. They tell Laura she needs to expand beyond her one-note designs, but she’s off the runway. It’s down to Michael and Jeffrey, who are … both in.On one hand, I’m kind of pleased, because usually Michael does such a good job and he’s one of my two favorites. On the other hand, his was a pretty egregious misstep, one worse than what got other designers kicked off, and just because they liked what he did before that doesn’t seem to be a good justification for keeping him on. Especially because it means that he was free to unleash the following two looks upon the runway at Bryant Park:I can’t begin to tell you how disappointing these are. Look how chubby the model on the left looks, and you know she’s a size 2 at most. That is the most unflattering dress I’ve seen trot down a runway in a long time. And that pink lace-up outfit with the gold belt … I’m going to skip over the logistical nightmare of getting it off for a bathroom break and go straight for the fact it looks like a costume in a low-budget sci-fi pirate movie.Laura, meanwhile, showed a little bit of range beyond the norm. I mean, it’s not like she rewrote the book, but …I think that’s Alison’s "zaftig" model Alexandra on the left. She looks a lot skinnier without a ridiculous hair bow on her head. Do you think that means Laura picks Alison to help her out?Uli had some outfits that were totally her, and others that were a total surprise.And Jeffrey … well, thanks for showing up.And if you missed ‘em, there are other pics here.

Every season, "dramatic makeover day" on "America’s Next Top Model" is like a little gift from heaven for me — oh, the vicarious thrill of watching someone sob as her long, lovely hair is shorn, while one chair over someone with a sleek bob is having 17 feet of extensions woven into her head! The bleach, how it burns!And this year’s lot is even more exciting: Tons of tears, a few troopers (boring!) and one headstrong challenge that’s acceded to (I salute you, A.J.).However, it’s all bittersweet when a girl with one of the sweetest personalities is sent home after an admittedly lousy photo shoot. (Photos to be added Thursday morning, after the CW gets around to posting them on their web site.) I’ll miss you, MEGAN ! I hope your girlfriend loves you with platinum hair as much as I did for 25 minutes.On the positive side of things, I have a new favorite phrase, to replace last week’s. I hope this happens every week!Let’s back up to when we knew Megan was doomed, really, and that’s right after the credits roll and Michelle says, "I love Megan" and begins extolling her virtues — great personality, supportive … which in reality TV means "ill-fated."It’s makeover day! Did I mention it was makeover day? The girls are as excited about it as stupid girls who don’t know what’s coming to them always are. They’re like the horny teenagers who always decide to have sex at Camp Crystal Lake: just asking for it. In fact, at lunch Jaeda tempts fate by announcing, "My hair grows so fast, I don’t care. Shave it!" Well, she won’t get the full Nnenna treatment, but Tyra says she’s getting a spiky little Halle Berry hairdo to accentuate her "boyish qualities," which I think is the nicest way I’ve heard someone refer to the fact she looks like a tranny. However, the folks from Frederic Fekkai — including Frederic himself, who looks very short when standing in line with Tyra and the Jays — will be doing the hacking, so you should feel comfortable, right? Right?!Melrose isn’t too keen on the fact she’ll be going blonde. (And given the past results when Tyra refers to platinum, I would be hesitant, too. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Cassandra. And Michelle. And Amanda.) Brooke loves her new dark hair, but I personally think it’s too dark and too much hair for such a tiny face. And, as I predicted early on, Eugena gets the long weave. The twins get same-but-different hair: Michelle’s is oranger and wavy, while Amanda’s is redder and straight. Megan’s pixie is dyed platinum (and looks cute!), CariDee gets more blonde hair and Anchal gets her waist-length hair chopped into layers and her hairline threaded (like tweezing or waxing) so her forehead is now a Tyra Banks fivehead. Megg looks like an idiot with about 50 pounds of hair. Since she is an idiot, she loves it and makes the stupid guitar-jamming motion as evidence.When we first see A.J.’s new color, it’s a weird, somewhere-north-of-chestnut brown that does her no favors, and she says that she’d prefer it be dyed a little darker. Frederic suggests they instead play with the part, but the next time we see her, her hair is indeed darker, albeit not as inky-black as she had to start with. The second color is much better, and you have to give her props for suggesting an improvement, rather than just saying "no way" or "I hate this." And it’s not like the "Top Model" folks are batting a thousand when it comes to suggestions. (Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Jayla.)Monique, meanwhile, is upset she’s not getting a dramatic change … and then suddenly we see her upstairs sobbing in the bathroom, bereft — even more upset than poor Jaeda, who took her shearing in relatively good spirits (with a few tears). It turns out nobody’s ever seen her without her current weave, and in a bit of hilarity she explains that she didn’t get a lot of sleep last night because everyone’s alarms kept going off early in the morning, which Jay Manuel misinterprets as "alarm bells are going off in my head."He tells her to sack up, basically, and get her fabulous new hair from Frederic Fekkai. "I am over these girls," he says. And we see A.J. with too many earrings in one ear, looking all smug, at an angle that unfortunately makes her look about as attractive as an early-era k.d. lang. Watch your angles, girl!On to this week’s ludicrous challenge: They go to some building with several floors, and on the ground floor they’ll have 30 seconds to select their skin-flattering shades of Blatant Product Placement makeup. Then they’ll have to jump into the elevator and apply! apply! apply! on the way to another floor, when they’ll have 30 seconds to select clothing. Then back into the elevator to their penultimate stop, which is to select shoes. At the top, they’ll meet a Blatant Product Placement makeup executive — OK, it’s Queen Latifah — and explain how they came up with their Young Queen look.Megg doesn’t even make it into the elevator on the first floor. Monique dallies too long in shoes, which makes several girls say things like "we’re all getting beaten up tonight." Everyone else makes it to the top floor intact, although not looking very much like Young Queens. In fact, I wrote that Brooke looked like she was going to prom, which was prescient since she tells Queen Latifah that her idea was Prom Queen. I, meanwhile, am still wondering which lame stylist picked out these dresses? It looks like the Fairy Godmothers prom dress giveaway pile. Anyway, Eugena wins (because she loads on the color, although her skin still looks awful) and she picks two friends who’ll be in a makeup shoot that runs somewhere online for like two hours.Back home, Monique is indeed in full glorious seething mode, talking to her mom about these "baggedy no-talented models." Melrose needs to use the phone, and this just makes Monique more insistent on staying on the phone longer and longer. A helpful clock shows it’s been more than an hour … then two hours … there’s a shot of her thumbing through Cosmopolitan where it looks like she’s sitting on the toilet, not a phone in sight. Her mom, meanwhile, says something about how if those girls mess with a child of God, there’ll be hell to pay (she doesn’t actually say that last part, but she should have), and then says the most awesome thing of the whole episode: "You tell them, ‘I am a princess of the throne.’" This explains a lot about Monique’s ‘tude — she’s been raised a diva. Can you imagine her at, say, age 8, informing people she’s a princess of the throne? Stupid mom.Then mild-mannered Anchal, of all people, finally loses her cool and hangs up the phone, and there’s lots of fighting and threats and bleeped-out curse words and digitized fingers, and then another awesome shot where Monique has refused to get out of the phone booth, even though we can hear the operator saying, "If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and try again." She’s in there for 3 HOURS AND 31 MINUTES, until I think everyone else went to bed and didn’t care anymore.The big photo shoot challenge involves crazy hair like the ones seen in competitive hair shows like Hair Wars and in … well, that movie with the late-night talk show guy Craig Ferguson, "The Big Tease," which nobody saw. It’s a great concept that makes for lousy still photos; Jay Manuel says the challenge is, "Does the hair wear you, or do you wear the hair?" Considering that each girl has moving parts attached to her head, you can bet an inanimate object is going to come out on top pretty often.(Click on the each thumbnail to see a full photo.)CariDee’s picture makes her look like Tori Amos times thirty. Michelle looks like a parrot, and everyone else looks, well, pretty silly.Megan reminds me of John Candy’s character in "Spaceballs." Megg, meanwhile, is just fugly.Melrose’s whole photo is pretty awesome, but when it’s cropped to just her face it’s evident that she skated by on the rainbow hair. Anchal’s photo rocks.Get right down to it, and A.J. and Brooke have the same kind of bulbous nose. They’ve made Brooke look pretty damn ugly here. And not even in a jolie/laude sort of way.Amanda’s photo looks awesome, and the photographer commends her for figuring out which angle her hair looks best at. Eugena, on the other hand, won’t take direction and ends up with a "meh" photo.Jaeda doesn’t do too well, either — she can’t give a range of emotion. Monique, well, I can’t even remember anything except she went first. That’s how much we’ve been groomed not to like her.At judging, the worst two are Jaeda and — gulp! — Megan, who when the girls walk in from judging has already assumed the slumped posture of defeat. When it’s announced she’s going home, she just kind of hangs her head a little, like "Yeah, I figured." No tears like last week.Next week, the princess of the throne tells her mother that she might have to "f*#% someone up," and although we don’t hear her mother’s response, I’m pretty sure it’s not that a "child of God" shouldn’t be using that kind of language. And, as I also correctly forecast, Monique is bound to be dangerously crazy, and thus guaranteed to stay on for many, many episodes.

Want to win the Sally Hansen Star Opal Nail Glazes I mentioned in this week’s Great Stuff column? (No, the jewelry pictured above isn’t included.) Send me an e-mail by clicking on this link. Be sure to include your name and mailing address, so I can ship you the goods if you win. I’ll draw a winner from the entries received by noon Friday, Sept. 29.Update: Congratulations to Sarah Hinz-Bridger of Chandler, our winner! Look for a new contest soon. …

Just in case you thought I was derelict in my duties about recapping each week’s episode of "Project Runway" and logged in Thursday looking for a new post — last night was a repeat!At first I thought this would return an hour or so of my life, plus blog time, but as it turns out last night was also the two-hour season premiere of "America’s Next Top Model" so it was all a wash in the end. (Actually, it was a wash plus an hour rinse, since it added another show into the Wednesday-night recap situation.)I urge those of you who think it’s OK to watch "Project Runway" but poo-poo "ANTM" to give that show a chance, too. Yes, it’s shallow and yes, god knows I despite creator Tyra Banks and her know-it-all ersatz Oprah shtick … but at the same time, "ANTM" one of those shows that allows me to walk into work wide-eyed the next day and say things like, "Can you believe Monique is that crazy? I think she’s bipolar" or "You mean Cha Cha Digregorio!" And anytime you can slip a "Grease" reference in your daily work routine is a pretty good day.Plus, the winners never actually go on to do anything big — a single guest appearance on "Veronica Mars," so there’s the comfort in knowing the girls who get booted off each week really aren’t missing out on that much.

Well, I didn’t get much sleep last night and I’m hungry, so it’s the perfect time to recap the second hour of the "America’s Next Top Model" premiere!You know who I wanted booted from the series first? Perez Hilton, the odious celebuwhoreblogger who’s in one of those little wraparound segments. CW, I cannot stress this enough: Get rid of him.We see the girls strolling down Hollywood Boulevard and enter the deserted Arena Cafe, where they’re confronted by what appear to be four colorful extras from "Pirates of Caribbean."At first I thought one of them was Jared Gold, the designer in whose show Gina was forced to hold a roach last year , but the subtitle explains they’re "designers" from Elmer Ave. They act like we should know who they are — "Elmer Ave is all about rock ‘n’ roll" — but in an era where every free designer goodie lands in the glossy pages of Us People In Touch OK!, you know you’re a lower-level designer when the first major hit on a Google search only brings up some $1,200 blazers worn by the actresses on "The L Word."Anyway, out trot some weak-looking male models, all wearing Elmer Ave clothing. The girls’ challenge is to pick one man’s outfit and "feminize" it for a runway show. Mostly this involves wearing the blazers with no shirts, just ties, or sometimes no pants. Jaeda goes for the "button-down shirt as outfit" look recently memorialized by Angelia Jolie in "Mr. and Mrs. Smith," but with her face and makeup she instead gives off a prostitute/Robert Palmer Girl vibe. Megg gets to the end of the runway and starts whipping her hair around — more groupie than rocker chick — and is followed by Melrose, who has the most idiotic walk I’ve ever seen. Naturally, the boys declare her the winner. The girls pile into their Conspicuous Tyra Consumption stretch SUV limo to take them to their Conspicuous Tyra Consumption house — seriously, photos are everywhere in the vehicle, and the walls are plastered with giant posters of fake photo shoots and fake magazine covers shouting Tyra! Tyra! Tyra! In the thrill of the moment, Monique and Christian are the last to realize there are 13 girls but only 11 beds. And here’s where Monique shines: "I’m not sleeping on no beanbag," she interviews, as you see her pick up Eugena’s items and drop them onto someone else’s bed, then drizzle bottled water all over the covers. "I deserve a bed." When Eugena comes back upstairs, Monique is defiantly splayed across the bed and says, "I just decided to pee on the bed today" with this total nonchalance, like "I just decided to try yoga today" or "I just decided to cook tacos for dinner tonight," only with this really threatening undertone. Girl is crazy.Meanwhile, they try to make Melrose out to be the bossy girl for — gasp! — cooking dinner and asking other people to clean up after themselves. However, she’s right — after two days the house is filthy, with trash everywhere, suds in the dishwasher and a ring around the bathtub. This requires a house meeting where the saner girls ask the others to kindly remember other people live there too, and could we also figure out a shower schedule?No, we cannot. Because Monique is there, and she wins the prize for pulling out the That’s Just Me card so early. And she wins extra beeyotch points for also referring to herself in the third person: "That’s just Monique. That’s what I like," she says when referring to long showers. She thinks she’s Mary J. Blige, who also likes to refer to herself in the third person ("Mary J. has had a hard life"). I have seen Mary J. Blige, and you, miss, are no Mary J. Blige.Or, as Anchal puts it, "Monique is cuckoo. There’s something wrong with her." Remember two seasons back when Bre lost it, snapping when someone ate one of her granola bars and going around decimating other models’ food stashes? And when confronted, she was all dead-eyed and passive-aggressive? Monique’s like that right now, and it’s not even halfway through the first episode!Tyra mail! Even the folders that hold the notes now are emblazoned with Tyra photos. I can’t wait for the episode where she preaches humility to the girls.Time for the photo shoot! They arrive at a house where Tyra "acts" like a diva, swanning around with a French accent and calling the girls all sorts of bad names. She is wearing a long black dress and that giant patent leather truss. It makes me think she’s had lipo and this is a decorative way to keep the bandages tight.Then Jay Manuel arrives, reassuring the girls "that wasn’t the real Tyra Banks." Yeah, except for the Pepe LePew accent, how much removed do you think that is? (It wouldn’t be a stretch to imagine Tyra being a little … attention-intensive. Might I direct you to her digitally retouched forehead?) No, she was playing a stereotype, Jay says, and the models will be participating in (cue the dah-dah-DAH music) "the most controversial photo shoot we’ve ever done on ‘America’s Next Top Model.’" (To imply controversy implies attention, silly man.) They’ll each portray a model stereotype. Melrose, since she won the challenge, gets a personal assistant for the day and a massage — she’s encouraged to be a diva for the day. Perhaps not coincidentally, she’s playing "the model who won’t get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day," in reference to ’90s supermodel Linda Evangelista’s often-repeated comment. Monique will be the "cell phone-throwing model," a not-so-oblique nod to Naomi Campbell. Christian will be the model turned bad actress, which could be Robecca Romijn, Cindy Crawford, even Tyra herself. I look forward to the continuation of this theme: The model who dated the ugly rocker, the boring model who married Ed Burns, the Janice Dickinson-crazy model.Well, it actually takes two fresh young girls to equal one Janice: Megg will be the drugged-out drunk and Jaeda will be the plastic surgery addict. (Yes, because that concept worked so well for Kim during a photo shoot two seasons ago.)Monique is very flat as Naomi Campbell — I mean, cell phone-throwing model. Her face and body stay in one position as her arm moves animatronically in a straight horizontal line. CariDee rocks her dumb blonde shoot. Stupid Jay exhorts Megg to "think Gia!" during her "drugged-out" shoot, no doubt a huge help to the 18-year-old, who was born two years after Gia Carangi died. (Maybe she saw the Angelina Jolie movie on HBO?)Eugena looks like Lil Kim as the black girl the industry’s trying to turn white. Megan’s the diva with lap dog, and Anchal is the narcissist. None of these are remarkable shoots, and Christian’s even worse during her MTA shoot, giving only variations on a single theme. (Jay refers to it as "brokedown Tyra Banks," whereas I think most people thought of Tyra as "brokedown Naomi Campbell," so there you go.)A.J. takes control of the casting couch, and Jaeda does predictably badly on her plastic surgery shot. The best thing I can say about that: She’s got some awesome makeup. The twins take on the "controversial" aspects: Michelle plays a bulimic, all doughnut-covered hands in the bathroom, and Amanda wraps a tape measure around herself as an anorexic. Jay says Amanda needs to become comfortable with her body and needs "a little mirror time," my new favorite phrase.In a not-at-all-set-up drama, Melrose is late for her shoot. Uh, what happened to her personal assistant, whose job it would be to interrupt her massage and get her there to the set on time? However, when she begins defending herself she starts with the words, "Oh, honey," which makes me lose all sympathy she’d garnered and I am back to hating her again, enjoying every bad pose and, even, when she rubs sobbing into the bathroom. (A real bathroom, and not Michelle’s doughnut-strewn set, one hopes.)Judging time! Tyra is, as my makeup artist (and/or drag queen) friends say, "beat back," which means she’s got so much makeup on it obliterates her real features. The highlighter and concealer under her eyes alone could cover one of my walls. She’s also wearing a dress with such big breast cups that it reminds me of Jane Russell saying, "… for us full-figured gals," and a ludicrous bouncy wig.The prizes have changed: Seventeen magazine instead of Elle/Girl, and Elite modeling agency instead of Ford. At one point Tyra says, "I was with Elite for a couple of years" and the girls ooh and aah while the implicit "… until I realized they were a bad agency and left" goes right over their heads.Nigel tells Megan the light caught her back eye, not her front eye, which she’ll need to work on, and Miss J. says, "You can learn to do that at home, in the mirror." Yay! More mirror time!Anchal breaks down and cries talking about how she looks pretty with dark eyes. Tyra tells her to let down her hair ("You’re a lot more model-y now," she says). Speaking of eyes, you can barely see Megg’s hooded ones through all the makeup in the photo. Tyra also decides to re-style Megg, twisting up the sleeves on her dress and tying them to hoochie height. Where’s Jaslene when you need her? Oh, yeah, stomping around the streets of Chicago making fashion opportunities every day.Melrose, meanwhile, is told to put her hair up. Hair up! Hair down! It’s so confusing! Nigel says she "photographs looking old — and that’s with retouching." Ouch! Tyra tells Jaeda to lose the blazer and mocks her sideswept bangs. "This is high school and mall — we don’t do that," she says, conveniently ignoring the fact her sideswept Big Fake Bangs are only about 1 inch longer, even if they are 7 inches higher.Blah blah blah, Tyra gives her trademarked Too Late To Help The Girls advice and blocks out how she would pose for every single photo shoot because she knows everything …It’s down to Melrose and Christian. Melrose is crying before Tyra can even make it to the "must immediately return to the house, pack your bags and go home." Christian is shaking silently. When Tyra says Melrose is still in the competition, she drops to her knees and starts crying — drama queen!Christian, meanwhile, begins crying in the most uncomfortable way. You know how most girls try to hold it together until they’re at least out of the room? Not Christian — she’s doing these huge, wracking sobs that are sad to watch. Even Tyra can’t look at her."I’m crushed," she interviews. "I really didn’t see it coming." Aw, at least she’s spared from next week’s makeovers, where it appears that Melrose receives this season’s Unflattering And Unnatural Blonde dye job. (We see her as part of the group confronting Monique, which involves a lot of inner city-style screaming. I expect there to be a lot of head-bobbing and hand-snapping from her.)

A quick summary of what I learned from the two-hour season premiere of "America’s Next Top Model":– Tyra Banks is a big fat liar, starting from the voiceover when she says "Our finalists have blasted into success." – And when I say "fat," I mean (as Tyra would say when she goes all ghetto for no reason) "Lawd a’mighty — she big as a house!" Remember when she went "undercover" as a fat girl on her talk show? I’m saying she’s not so undercover any more. Girl is one macrame shrug and a pair of sneakers away from the picture at the left.– This season is going to be more Tyra-intensive, from the decked-out limo to the poster-emblazoned walls to even the photos on the Tyra mails and the Tyra’s Annoying Too Late Advice segment.– Someone on the staff has the job of digitally blending out Tyra’s wig line, which was clearly visible on the screener DVD. Unfortunately, that person has such a heavy hand with the blending tool that the top inch of her forehead — or, in her (and my) case, a fivehead — looks like it’s been through a soupy fog.– "A little mirror time" can solve almost any problem.– Things that have already become tiresome: Megg screaming like a rocker chick; Melrose’s weird runway walk; Brooke rapping.– Monique is already full-blown, bat$&% crazy. (I told you so!)A more complete rundown is after the jump.The first hour of the premiere is the standard whittling-33-to-13 scenario: A meeting at the airport, where Miss J is decked out in full stewardess drag and sashays them through the airport to their "just off the plane!" photo shoot. How the hell did he get past security? At one point, Miss J is also wearing the yellow inflatable flotation devices, which I think is awesome.Then it’s off to a hotel rooftop, where the girls are confronted by last season’s Aswirl Twins, two superfemme black brothers whose only apparent skill is teaching women how to whirl about and "work" a garment.While they’re still dizzy, suddenly Tyrant appears, and let me tell you, girl has put on some weight. She’s wearing a horrific black dress with a ginormous patent leather belt and these weird mini-gloves that make her look like she’s developed an S&M/Howard Hughes-style germaphobia. Also, in an attempt to make her look slimmer, her hair is the size of my kitchen table. And, as I mentioned earlier, her wig line is digitally blurred to the point where I think pea soup might be nice for dinner.Here are the girls: CariDee, from Fargo, N.D. (like my friend and co-worker Jess Harter!), a crazy blonde who says "the most famous person we have in North Dakota is Paul Bunyan … and he’s dead." (Jess says that Paul Bunyan is from Brainerd, Minn., and I say that Paul Bunyan is fictional, so CariDee might want to hit the books soon.)Anchal is Indian but wears blue contacts. They ask her if she thinks dark eyes are pretty, but she ought to be worrying about those dark circles under her eyes. Also, while she’s pretty straight-on, from the side she looks kind of weasel-y. Remember Kelly and her snout from a couple seasons back? I’m just saying. …Jaeda says she was "the hot girl" in high school. If by "hot girl" she means "preoperative transexual," I would agree. Girl is giving off serious Coryn vibes. Where’s the she-nis? Jay Manuel says Jaeda is more masculine than he is. I say that doesn’t take much.Monique says she needs to be there because she’s darker skinned than the rest of her family. Then she starts bawling. Yes, this is how models get booked all the time: Sobbing about their childhoods. Jay says that she’s got a look that could book "cosmetic campaigns, high fashion editorials … and liquor." Which is to say: Pretty ghetto. Look for her in a bikini in a Colt .40 ad after this season ends.Up next, Megan, who manages to stay tear-free while she recounts how when she was young, the plane she and her mother were in crashed in a field; her mom was killed but the heat from her body kept Megan warm until she was rescued. Martyred mom beats Blacula teasing every time, Monique. Pay attention.Then it’s "My Life as a Cover Girl." Danielle says "in a city that moves this fast," her name is now Dani. I stop listening then.A.J. survived cervical cancer. Melissa Rose just goes by Melrose — "I don’t need the -issa," she says. I hate her on sight.Amanda and Michelle are 18-year-old twins. They give off serious Shandi vibes — aka, wait till the makeover, and even then they’re gonna be the "striking" (not "pretty") ones.Brooke is 18 and from Texas. She’s very perky — she reminds me of Kirsten Dunst’s character in "Bring It On" — but she says that she’s "giving up" the last part of her senior year to be here. You don’t miss much, honey. She "raps" little verses that sound more like cheers. It’s gonna get old.Megg claims to be a rocker chick. She’s 18, white, from L.A. and skin and bones. Real rocker chicks would snap her in half.Kind of boring: Eugena and Christian. One of them you won’t have to worry about much longer.Girls who don’t make the final cut include: (1) Ginger, a conservative Republican who freaks out during the first photo shoot, which is naked — sorry, "nude," because it’s tasteful. At least we got this over with early, the girl who has troubles exposing her "private parts." Have these girls never watched this show before? Anyway, Ginger looks a lot like Amanda Seyfried from "Mean Girls" and "Veronica Mars." (2) Jaslene, who says things like "Every day is a fashion opportunity" and "I walk like this (superstrutting) every day" and is compared to Cha Cha DiGregorio — the best dancer at St. Bernadette’s (with the worst reputation) from "Grease." (3) Cyndel, who works at Jezebel’s as an entertainer.I love this moment, because Cyndel says "I’m not a stripper, I’m an entertainer — big difference." And then she tells Tyra, "In a way, it’s another part of the fashion world." Tyra, of course, goes ape^#(@ on her: "I’m not putting you down because you’re an exotic dancer or a stripper," Tyra says, in a tone that clearly shows she is indeed putting her down because she’s an exotic dancer or a stripper.Anyway, final selections: Tyra’s wearing a slightly different black dress with that same huge belt. I wonder if it’s a decorative truss/girdle. When they pick Brooke she starts rapping again: "I got a lot of personality you just can’t bottle / Here I am girls, I’m on ‘America’s Next Top Model’!" Please stop. I want to like you. …And the last thing I learned: Remember to update your blogging every couple of minutes, because otherwise at 12:47 a.m. when you finish your recap of the second hour, your application will tell you that it can’t update it because it logged you out long ago, and like a dumb@$$ you didn’t save your text anywhere else. The second half will have to wait … and I even had links, darn it!In the interim, check out fellow staff writer — and speedy typist — Albert Ching’s blog thoughts about the episode. It makes me so happy we could badger him into actually watching it … Soon he’ll be as shallow and facile as the rest of us.

After I wrote about a silicone shine finishing spray for hair a few weeks ago, I got word of a competing line’s similar product. "How different could Frederic Fekkai Sheer Shine Mist actually be?" I wondered. The answer: Very much so. We’ll start with the delivery — the Fekkai spray ($22.50) is misted through a pump dispenser, rather than emitted in a fumigation-style cloud. And Fekkai’s fragrance wins hands-down. The finish: Still soft and shiny. Find it at Sephora at Chandler Fashion Center and Scottsdale Fashion Square, or Neiman Marcus in Scottsdale.Avon has pared down the procedure for an at-home skin peel to a single step. To use Anew Clinical Advanced Retexturizing Peel ($25), swipe the pad across the face and allow to dry. The result: improved texture, clarity and fewer clogged pores, with no separate neutralizer required. Find an Avon rep at (800) 367-2866 — handy mnemonic: FOR-AVON — or www.avon.com.Fragrance is such a personal thing, it was no surprise there was no consensus when I asked fellow staffers to take an olfactory whirlwind tour of the five fragrances in Banana Republic’s Discover Collection: What one person adored, another despised. My favorites: women’s Alabaster ($48-$62), with its light floral notes, and men’s Slate ($45-$58), a crisp green. (And a shout-out to page designer Amy Sweeney, the only staffer whose tastes and rankings closely mirrored mine. She’s brilliant!)

So, I got my hands on a preview copy of the two-hour debut of "America’s Next Top Model" last week, and I won’t be giving too much away when I say a few of my predictions (previous post here) were right-onMonique is an aggressively erratic bee-yotch — remember Bree’s granola-bar meltdown near the end of season 5, when she got all dead-eyed and "what are you gonna do about it?" That happens in Episode 1 here … so think what we have to look forward to!And Melrose is indeed a know-it-all, but it’s she, not Megan, who photographs "old" (they’re the same age).What I got wrong: I want to switch my "twin" picks around — I think Michelle will stay longer than Amanda, and I think I want A.J. to win. And when the first girl goes, it’s kind of uncomfortable to watch because she breaks down and bawls. You know how usually they try to keep it together at least for the camera’s sake? Not so much here.YES, I’ll be recapping each episode, just like "Project Runway." I’m not ready to guarantee they’ll be up and ready first thing every Thursday morning, though, because I might want to spend the occasional Wednesday night somewhere besides my couch and computer.

Speaking of men and makeup (see comment from gay-obsessed poster here): Jay Manuel, "art director of photo shoots" (read: Tyra’s makeup artist and annoying minion) for "America’s Next Top Model," is coming out with his own line of makeup. The launch of the Manual Override line will be on QVC on Sept. 21 and, because I am lame, wild horses would not be able to tear me away from the TV. (Well, maybe TiVo could.)On the video preview at QVC’s web site, Jay says, "When you use Manual Override, it’s like having me, in your bathroom, with you in the morning, doing your makeup." When I told my friend Julia this news, her response was: "Will he come to my house, give me really vague instructions on how to use it, and then yell at me when it doesn’t look right?" This just about sums up my feelings for it, too.

One of the goals of our weekly In Focus photo essays is to increase the number of "regular people" who appear in the Tribune — they might not be winning awards (or, conversely, robbing banks), but the tasks and events of their lives closely mirror those of thousands of readers who can relate. Remember when you had your senior pictures taken? Your first hike up Camelback Mountain? That perfect plant you got at the nursery, or the time you needed to swing by the hardware store to grab something? We’ve turned each of them into a photo essay over the past few months.When we asked if we could photograph customers at Optical Shop of Aspen, it seemed like a win-win situation. The chain carries some pretty unique brands that would make for good photos, and by extension the store would (hopefully) see traffic from readers whose interest had been piqued by the photos. (And, really, with all the construction going at The Borgata shopping center, I thought the store might appreciate a little press right now.) The local staff I spoke to seemed enthusiastic.Corporate HQ in California, however, wasn’t so thrilled. Their response: "We are a luxury operation. This is not the sort of coverage we would be interested in participating in."Loosely translated: "Photograph everyday people wearing our products? No way!"Part of brand management is to make products aspirational, and one of the easiest ways to do that is to put it on beautiful people. That’s why models are hired — not just as clothes horses, but even sometimes just to hang out in bars at events, to "pretty up" the place. I use professional models for larger photo shoots because they’re experienced at providing the best photos in the least amount of time, which is important if you’ve got 40 outfits to photograph in six hours.However, OSA’s summary rejection still rankles me — more as a potential consumer than as a journalist trying to arrange a photo essay. OSA doesn’t want to let me, the everyday customer, be photographed wearing their luxury glasses? Then I, the everyday customer, will shop somewhere else, where they’re not as horrified by the prospect of me wearing their merchandise. (The locally owned chain Nationwide Vision, meanwhile, was thrilled to participate.)See the photo essay, which we photographed at Nationwide’s office on Southern Avenue in Mesa, in today’s Tribune and under the "Life/Family" tab at www.eastvalleytribune.com.