Tonight’s episode succeeds in making me very nervous, because at the start of the episode my two favorite designers get a lot of screen time, which in reality TV usually translates to a hasty departure. Michael and Laura are still safe — in fact, one of them wins this week’s competition! — but I’m still not sleeping easy.Meanwhile, BRADLEY somehow manages to make the most boring outfit ever supposedly inspired by Cher, and gets kicked to the curb by the judges (including, thankfully, the long-lost Michael Kors). In the words of the former Cherilyn Sarkasian LaPier: "So sad that you’re leaving / It takes time to believe it."Or not. Bradley really was a lousy designer.At the beginning of the episode, Jeffrey’s still chafing that Angela won the Macy’s challenge — "It cut me straight through," he says via the tiny, tiny mouth above his giant, giant tattooed neck.And now for this week’s Drama Involving Models. I can tell the producers are trying to get us to pay attention to the models, but their gimmicks are becoming increasingly frantic: For starters, this week, the models get to pick the designers they want to work with! Shocked faces all around, from both models and (disappointed power-trip) designers. However, in a total ripoff, last week’s winning model doesn’t even get to pick first: The selection order is determined by drawing their names out of that cursed black velvet bag. And because two designers exited last week — Bonnie through lousy design, Keith through rule-breaking — the last two model names in the bag are automatically "out." One of the dismissed girls was the one who wore Kayne’s award-winning Miss USA dress. I would try to register some sense of unfairness, but … I don’t care. They’re the models. If the producers really cared about them, they wouldn’t make them wear those black slipdresses and walk around barefoot like subservient white-slavery victims each week.One by one the models select their designers, and suddenly one of them gets interview time: "I always wanted to work with Laura because she has a clean, sophisticated style," Well-Spoken Model says, and my heart is filled with dread: Does this mean this week Laura’s going to really screw up? Is she going to get in trouble for hewing too close to the same standards? I don’t think I could bear to part with her just yet — please, take all the models, just leave me Laura a little bit longer. (I’ve moved through denial and anger, and am now squarely in the bargaining stage.)The last designer left is Bradley, who’s paired with Relieved Model, who’s just happy Heidi pulled her name from the bag. (Let’s hope she took a cue from that Tim McGraw song and lived like she was dyin’ for the next 50 minutes.)But wait! Models Are Important, Too Time isn’t done yet! This week’s challenge is about modernizing a look for a fashion icon, and the models get to do the picking. When they walk into the Parsons design room they’re greeted by (a) Tim Gunn, and (b) small posters of women, whom Tim explains were fashion icons from "the past century." Apparently they’re taking that by birthdate, because the oldest "icon," Katharine Hepburn, was born in 1907 but didn’t really make it big until "Little Women" in 1933 and probably wasn’t an icon until "Bringing Up Baby" in 1938. But I digress. …Anyway, there’s a big grabfest for the photos. Relieved Model can’t get her model mitts on any of them and ends up with the leftover picture, Cher. Well-Spoken Model has done an awesome job and grabbed Kate Hepburn, which makes a great match for Laura — why does my stomach hurt so bad right now? Seriously, I am really stressed at this point, quickly moving into the depression stage.Some of the other pairings hold great promise: Robert doing Jackie Onassis; Jeffrey and Madonna; Kayne and whom he refers to as "Miss Marilyn Monroe"; Michael and whom he refers to as "Pam Mother(dirtyword)ing Grier."The other pairings are … well, interesting: Uli seems psyched about updating Diana Ross, which isn’t a choice I would have guessed, but OK. Alison doesn’t get into Farrah Fawcett too much. Vincent says his model picked Twiggy "because of what I could do with it," which I translate as "Make something horrible with it."Then there’s Angela, who says "I basically peed my pants" that her model seized on Audrey Hepburn. "It was so dead-on," she says, dead serious. I’m pretty sure I never saw Audrey in a hoochie-mama satin tank and rosette-plagued pink satin bubble skirt, but I’ll have to do a Google Image search just to be sure. … Nope, I was right: Girl’s deluded.And Bradley. Willfully contrary Bradley: "I don’t know (dirtyword) about Cher," he interviews somewhat gleefully. "Maybe I should pay more attention to celebrities," he adds, with a tone that implies that this consideration is both new and beneath him. We see Relieved Model tryinig to explain Cher’s various incarnations, including her "kind of pop" era in the ’80s. To which he says: "Like Prince pop?" At this point, Relieved Model realizes now is the time to go skydiving, and Rocky Mountain climbing, and go 2.7 seconds on a bull named FuManchu. …Tim uses the word "caucus" as a verb again this week. Why can’t he just say "gather and discuss"? We see caucusing, then fabric shopping, then cutting and sewing.Or trying-to-sewing, anyway. Bradley’s machine is messed up, and Angela says she had the same trouble with it but she "fixed" it. He’s not buying it and pretty much says she messed his machine up. Jeffrey overhears this, and just itching to take out his frustration, goes off on her. She tries to defend herself, rather ineffectually, but he’s having none of it and keeps going, which bothers the other designers — including Laura, who finally turns around and, in her role as Greek chorus, says, "Jeffrey, if you’re so (dirtyword)ing successful and you know so much, what are you doing here?"This challenge of course upsets Jeffrey, who interviews that Laura had no business talking to him, and quacks for six seconds straight to imitate her talking. Then, to show us what a class act he is, we see him walk out of the sewing room muttering, "God, I wish that (dirtyword)ing (dirtyword) would have a stroke."And here comes frightening trend #2: Michael gets some screen time — no, a lot of screen time. He thinks Jeffrey was out of line: "I’m not trying to play Captain Save-A-Ho, as we say in the hood … but it wasn’t really his place," he interviews. Jeffrey tries to explain how exactly it was his place to ream Angela, but really we already know how it was his place: Because he’s a jerk who’s still mad she won last week’s challenge and he didn’t. (This explanation does not come up in his version.)And then Michael calls his mom, who’s very supportive (the anti-Malan-mom) and tells him to pray, and he replies that he does every night. My stomach begins to knot up. Then he says: "I feel good, I feel energized, I’m ready to continue on." I feel so full of dread right now, it’s like trying to watch the opening scenes of "Bambi."His outfit is super sexy, but he begins to doubt the miniskirt he’s created and decides he’s going to create some hot pants instead.At the fabric store Robert picked up a Tiffany-blue fabric for his classic Jackie O look, but for some reason he thinks it’s a good idea to instead use a tan linen that Vincent discarded to make a jacket and skirt. OK, let’s discuss which is the more stupid move: Using something that Vincent picked out, or using something that even Vincent decided was wrong? Making a tan linen suit when last week you were in the bottom two for being boring, or making a tan linen suit for Jackie O? (Also, I hate rope belts.)Kayne’s gown has black leather trim, nude stretch material and sheer black overlay. It looks sexy, but not what I imagined when he said "Marilyn Monroe meets Gwen Stefani."Jeffrey and Vincent are mocking Bradley’s truly lame shiny silver blouse. Jeffrey calls it "supercalifragilisticexpliali-crazy," and they compare it to the Woody Allen movie "Sleepers" and the David Bowie song "Major Tom." Neither of which is too far off the mark, but the best thing is that Vincent tells Bradley, "I want one of these for myself," because you totally know he’d wear it.When the models come in for fittings, though, it’s not the blouse that causes Bradley grief, but the pants. They’re a little snug — so snug that Relieved Model exclaims, "Cameltoe!"Which made me flash back to a horrific moment when my then-recently arrived boss heard me discussing how we couldn’t run a particular Q&A column on the Style page because the writer had thought cameltoe was an appropriate topic, and she asked me, "What is cameltoe?"And the room, formerly loud and bustling with entertainment and features reporters, suddenly became very quiet, very quickly, and I could see many, many pairs of eyes turn to me, eager to watch the train wreck that was about to happen as I tried to explain in an office-friendly, boss-friendly way what exactly that meant. "Well," I said, after a deep breath, "it’s a problem that some people have when their clothing is too tight over … parts … of their body.""What parts would those be?" asked one of the other editors, who already knew but wanted to watch me twist a little longer."As my black Southern nanny would have said, your ‘lady parts,’ " I said. "If I had had a black Southern nanny, that is."(If I had known my boss as well as I do now, I would have just busted out my iPod, which includes a song by that very name by a band called Fannypack and includes such E-Z definitions as "She had a frontal wedgie: A cameltoe!" and "Is your crotch hungry, girl? ‘Cause it’s eating your pants!")But I digress.Here’s Kayne’s drama: "My model is Amanda. And Amanda will not shut up," he interviews. And true, we hear her prattling on about any- and everything. Models "should be pretty and seen, and not open your mouth," he says — so close to the actual phrase, and yet so far!And then here comes this weird guy who looks like the love child of Tom Ford and David Gest: He’s Nathaniel from Tresemme, here to get their product placement pitch in by consulting with each of the designers about their hairstyles. Bradley says of Tresemme: "I used their gel last night. It made my hair look better, I think." Hint: Scroll up and look at that picture of him at the top of this post. (Anyway, the winning model gets to be in a Tresemme ad in Elle magazine. I imagine it will appear right next to the "fashion spread" the winning designer gets.)Nathaniel says lots of obvious things that are revelations to none of the designers or the viewing audience. When he gets to Vincent, though, he says something about how Twiggy’s hair should be the essence of the ’60s, and Vincent gets this look on his face like Nathaniel said: "I’d really like to deposit some fecal matter into your model’s hair and use it as mousse." I’m not sure what freaked Vincent out so much, but this is one case where I’d like to know his thought process.Two hours before end of day, and here comes Tim Gunn. Let’s caucus.Robert calls his own outfit out as "incredibly boring," and Tim doesn’t disagree. When Michael says he’s doing hot pants, Tim says, "I hate hot pants" like he’s saying, "I hate ethnic cleansing" — then hastens to add, "but they’re really now, they’re back" and doesn’t oppose them too much. He does tell Bradley his top looks like "armor, like the tin woodsman from ‘The Wizard of Oz.’ "We see Angela putting one of her stupid rosettes on her dress. I want to cut off her hands whenever I see her fiddling with those rosettes. But wait: It gets worse, I promise.Models come in for fittings, and Kayne’s gown is sort of gapping at the front. "It looks sloppy!" Amanda exclaims while he’s fitting it. Have you ever heard of microexpressions? They’re instantaneous, fleeting expressions that people try to hide but can’t — investigators look for them during interviews as indicators of what people are really thinking. And let me translate Kayne’s microexpression as she says that: "Oh no you didn’t, beeyotch."Indeed, he later interviews, "Amanda … I will use her in the future, but put duct tape on her mouth."Robert’s having issues with his outfit. He cautions his model to be "still as a stone, because this (badword) is wrinkling like crazy." He interviews that "a miracle from heaven is needed to turn this whole thing around." Unless that miracle turns his dress into something interesting, a la water into wine, he’s not going to do so well. And if something did happen and suddenly his plain linen suit with ill-fitting blouse turned into a chic little outfit in a smart print … well, that might just get me to go to church again.Anyway, it’s runway time!But first, Heidi. Her hair is up in loose tendrils and she’s wearing a dress with a plunging, wide-open top with big sleeves made out what looks like lingerie material and a high-waisted supershort skirt. Plus: big bulky knee-high tan boots. She looks horrible, like a slutty Swiss Miss.Alison’s version of Farrah … well, at least she got the hair right. (Thanks, Nathaniel!) The brown blouse is very open in the front, with sparkly silver superhero-style trim. The skirt is weird — too short, too flowy and too see-through. And seafoam green? The blouse has a tie in the back that hangs down and looks at first glance like the skirt has brown detail on it. It looks like a bad costume design for a "Star Trek" vixen, or "Wonder Woman" characters on Paradise Island.Bradley’s Cher is the most boring outfit, which is a sin for when your reference is a woman who showed up at the Oscars one year in a mohawk that made her like 10 feet tall, and picked up her Oscar in a see-through bodysuit. Lame-pronounced-la-MAY refers the shiny fabric, and lame-pronounced-like-dame means something is lousy, and this top is both of them at once. And then his white low-rise trousers have fringe trim on the front pockets. Because it’s not bad enough they’re tight, they also have to have strings hanging down right near the crotch, too.Angela’s Audrey dress is … not as bad as I had imagined, but I still don’t like it too much. What is it with very wide-open tops? Did Laura consult on every outfit this week? The chiffon overlay gives it detail but the vertical seaming makes it come off a little lingerie-ish to me. She’s got those cursed rosettes as trim at the hip and lining the whole hem.Kayne’s gown is very Marilyn. The sheer black over the nude gives it a greenish effect. Amanda’s hair and makeup make her look Marilynish, too. Nathaniel’s been doing research!Laura’s Katharine outfit is a pair of high-waisted trousers in a camel-colored plaid fabric that looks suspiciously similar to her coat from the dog challenge. Now, it’s one thing to stick to a signature style, and another thing to churn out variations on the same thing every week. The top is a cool blush-colored top with a wrap waist and a long sash that hangs on one side.Vincent’s Twiggy jumper is … part horrific plaid, half black, the sleeves are big and swingy and the poor model has eyelashes painted on that make her look like a Harajuku girl. Vincent starts talking about how "Twiggy was this, Twiggy was that," and Diane Von Judge interrupts him to say she thinks it’s important to note that Twiggy is still alive. If by "alive" you mean "a replacement judge on ‘America’s Next Top Model,’ " then sure. But is Living Twiggy 2006 a fashion icon? No. I like most of Michael’s Pam outfit but want to tweak little things all over: The halter-style top is so wide on each side that it looks like a skinny girl is trying to wear an outfit made for a woman with Giant Knockers. The gathered waist with Gucci-style chain-bit detail is awesome, but the hot pants seem like they’re cut a little wide. I mean, on the runway is when ideas are at their most true — the translation to the consumer market (a wider hip, a longer hem) shouldn’t come into play here, should they?Robert’s Jackie linen suit looks vaguely like the "Barefoot Appalachian L’il Abner Barbie" outfit Raymundo created last season, without the frayed edges. You’d think the Barbie designer would have steered far away from something like that. I don’t even like the blouse hidden under the jacket.Uli’s Diana gown is pretty awesome — stripes and leopard patterns, all in flowy, shiny violets and purples with a cross-halter top.Jeffrey’s Madonna outfit reminds me of something Bai Ling would wear in a red carpet disaster: The top looks like it was ripped off a toy solider, is stiff and rigid, and the black fabric of the skirt is really deconstructed.The judges are Michael Kors, guest judge Diane Von Furstenberg, Nina Garcia and Heidi.Laura, Uli, Jeffrey and Alison are safe. The judges love Kayne’s dress: Using leather was "genius," and Michael thinks it’s like "goth Marilyn" and "the back’s fab." At this point, Kayne reveals that he’s a lot like his model and won’t shut up, going on and on about how he likes the black crystals instead of the usual ones, etc., etc.Nobody really likes Vincent’s dress. They wish it were "happier," which I translate as "better."They do, however, drool over Michael’s outfit, including the proportion of shorts (ahem). Diane says: "I wore a lot of hot pants in my days, and those are good ones." Maybe they need to sit closer to the runway.Diane also has the most subdued comment about Bradley’s work: "I don’t really love that outfit too much." Michael says the crotch is "insane," and Nina compares it to "an old Halloween costume you pick up in a mall." Yikes!The judges like Angela’s dress a lot. I think Vera Wang taste cooties have infected the chairs, because Heidi says, "I would want to have that dress in every color." And then Angela announces that she’s calling those rosettes "fleurchons," which makes me want to reach into the TV screen and smack the faux-French right out of her. Robert’s choice of linen was the worst mistake, the judges tell him, because Jackie O was always impeccable, neat and sharp.Angela’s safe. Michael’s announced as the winner, and Kayne’s next microexpression is: "(Dirtyword)." Kayne is safe. Then Vincent.I’ll let Heidi speak for me: "Robert, you couldn’t have chosen a worse fabric for your style icon. And once again, we were bored. Bradley, your poorly made, cheap-looking outfit was unworthy of your style icon." Ah, the "poorly made" — the kiss of death for Bradley, who gives one final weird interview: "There’s serious high fashion going on, and I made a Tinkertoy. And they kicked me out!"I would be sadder, but I totally called this one earlier today. I just hope my ominous premonitions about Laura and Michael don’t come true next week.As Michael and his model posed for the Tresemme ad, I noticed they both have pretty jacked-up teeth. Look for a closed-mouth ad in an episode of Elle near you, soon!

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