Tonight’s episode shows what happens when passive-aggressive meets full-blown crazy, and it’s not pretty. And neither are many of the dresses the designers create for Miss USA Tara Conner, who’s going to wear one (highly tweaked) gown in the Miss Universe contest.Perhaps not surprisingly, self-described pageant freak KAYNE (pictured) wins the challenge with an orchid-and/or-mocha colored confection pretty much guaranteed to garner major beauty queen kudos. (I’ll get it over with early: Miss USA has been branded with the mark of Kayne!) Surprisingly, I feel sad — no, cheated — when it’s MALAN who’s sent packing, and not unhelpful harpy ANGELA or exasperatingly dithery nutjob VINCENT.Oh, and there are models. One’s not picked by a designer and goes home. This part bores me.Anyway, the designers get 30 minutes to sketch their proposals. Angela spends all her time latched onto Kayne like a remora on a shark, proposing they work together so she can "bring him out of his safety zone," presumably by suggesting some lame-@55 version of that whole bubble-skirt-with-Frye-boots outfit she’s been working since she showed up.The designers meet with Tara individually; KEITH makes some creepy comments about her legs — maybe it’s the way he’s looking at her? — while Angela informs her she has no sketch, because she doesn’t sketch, and instead starts asking questions: How does she feel about an empire waist? Until this moment Tara has fielded every silly comment or question nobly, but the look she shoots the camera when Angela shows up is priceless. Hers is not one of the designs chosen — because she doesn’t even have a design.The team leaders — Keith, ULI, Vincent, LAURA, Malan, JEFFREY and Kayne — pick partners to work with; Angela is the last one chosen. In a moment that sums up the next 40 minutes, Vincent says: "I’d be pleased to work with ALISON," then winces when Angela informs him of her actual name.The other designers seem to get along swimmingly: Kayne and ROBERT are like two peas in a pod; Laura picks MICHAEL because she knows he’d challenge her weaknesses; Uli and BONNIE seem full of girl power; BRADLEY’s not sure about Keith at the beginning but seems reassured relatively quickly; Malan and KATHERINE seem a bit chilly but agreeable; Jeffrey and Alison are there somewhere. …Vincent and Angela, meanwhile, are starring in the fashion-design production of "Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" It begins as early as the fabric store, where Angela persistently reminds Vincent how much time they have. Now, I’m not saying I wouldn’t have worried about a nutjob like Vincent blowing the whole half-hour by wandering around muttering, "I’m liking this! It’s hitting me like now!" while he stares at a bolt of muslin and a sewing needle. But going after him like an SAT monitor is hardly helping things. Neither is telling him his design looks like something you made in college. Even if it’s true.Before the end of Day One, Vincent has ordered Angela to stay 3 feet away from him so he can hallucinate — I mean, work — and she reacts the way you and I probably would if issued a restraining order by someone who’s obviously had a few served on himself a few times: By seething and disavowing any blame for the dress.Yay, Tim Gunn time! He warns Malan that his dress looks "heavy — like it was carved out of a big log." The ruching on the bodice looks like lumpy walnuts: Exactly what every beauty queen wants to wear on the stage. Katherine tells Malan he’ll have to defend it to the judges, because she won’t.Oh, Malan has major mom issues: He says to nobody in particular that when he was 13 he showed his mother his sketches, which she threw on the ground and told him never to do that again. He vows his success on this show is "going to show her."Anyway, it’s runway time: Guest judge is Vera Wang, who actually makes me miss Michael Kors’ braying. She may be a talented designer — or at least she supervises talented designers and slaps her name on their creations — but she’s bland as butterless grits. And she has questionable taste, as we’ll find out. Jeffrey’s "beautifully grotesque" creation features a one-shouldered champagne satin bodice draped casually over a matte gold camisole-style top, lending it a haphazard, next-day walk-of-shame look that’s not helped by the unevenly slung sash waist of the bronze satin ball gown skirt. It also makes the model look disproportionately stacked. Keith’s strapless ombre chiffon gown is voluminous with a Grecian feel — pretty, but pretty simple: Better for a designer runway than the spectacle required in pageantry.Kayne, meanwhile: Has. It. Down. The fabric is iridescent — orchid? canteloupe? mocha? yes, all of the above — satin with a sweetheart neckline, but an amazing necklace of amber and amethyst beads spills gemstones down to the model’s navel and, on the other side, to the small of her back. It’s hourglassy and cut to fit like a glove until the knee, when it busts out into a ruffled, gathered train. It’s exactly what you would expect from a guy who specializes in pageant gowns, who had assistance from a guy who’s worked for years making clothing for Barbie. It’s awesome.The bodice of Malan’s copper-colored satin gown is covered with matte burnt-umber gathered silk. The ruching is flattering at the waist but bunches unevenly across the breasts, lending the model a lumpy, disproportionate look. The bottom is several inches too short, and unfinished.Uli’s dress alternates layers of chiffon — mauve atop copper atop mauve– and when the model walks, the fabric wafts and flows like crazy. The halter-style top is cut kind of low with little support, however, which allows for a distracting amount of jiggle.Laura has created a simple, classic white column sheath with sensational beading. Beautiful but sort of nondescript, except for the beading — again, nothing a pageant girl would wear. And, curiously, she picked the color even though Tara had suggested earth tones and requested no white. I wonder if she thought her design would trump Tara’s preferences?And Vincent: Poor, clueless, assistant-less Vincent. His kiwi/chartreuse satin gown has awkward cap sleeves and an ill-fitting bodice with what looks like diagonal seaming. The sides of the bust fan out in an unflattering manner, and the gathers that create the sleeves look uneven.Runway talk: Vera Wang, for some reason, likes Vincent’s dress (maybe it’s the simplicity of the back?), as does Tara, who nonetheless would like to see it tailored to get rid of the "space cadet" sleeves. The judges take Angela to task for working against her partner, not with him. However, nobody takes her to task for wearing yet another stupid bubble skirt with cropped denim jacket, those boots … and vertically striped sheer hose. She is dressed like Ariel from "Footloose" channeling Madonna circa "Desperately Seeking Susan."Katherine says she wouldn’t like to go home if they don’t like Malan’s dress, since it was his design. To his credit, he offers to fall on his own sword if his dress is the worst. Apparently he’s the only person who doesn’t remember what happens to people who do that. (See: Daniel Franco’s ouster during the lingerie challenge from Season 2.)Laura, Jeffrey and Keith, you and your partners are safe. So are Bonnie, Uli, Robert and Katherine. Kayne is the winner. And then — what the…? Vincent is SAFE?! (Oh, yeah: We need "crazy" around to balance out the "egotistical" that’s about to blow up in a few weeks.)It’s down to Malan and Angela. Which is worse: Bad design skills or bad cooperation skills? And just when you start tallying the screen time in tonight’s episode — usually a fair barometer of who’s going home (more camera = more likely) — Angela is safe.Malan seems pretty stoic, except when he starts crying outside the room and talking about how he never had many friends growing up and how he finally felt like he was part of something here, until he was kicked off. (Which is to say, the entire time he’s on camera.) And, just one week after I hated him on first sight, I feel sorry for the man and his rheumy eyes and weird accent.Mama, he’s coming home. Be gentle with him: He’s a fragile boy.

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