Lindsay Lohan’s recent appearance on "Saturday Night Live" just reminded me how awful of a mom she must have.

Remember when, for a blessed few months, LiLo just kind of disappeared from the face of the earth — no eating-disorder rumors, no late-night liquor-"energy drink"-fueled binges? (And, really, if Red Bull makes you look like this, stop drinking it)?

Then she ended up in the hospital. And her mom gave the creepiest explanation why: Dina couldn’t just say, "oh, she slipped at a friend’s house." …

No, Mom had to go into this really detailed explanation — you know, the kind of explanations you used to do when you were a kid when you were lying, because you thought all the details would make it seem real? And in the process, she managed to leak out several details for pervs everywhere:

"She had just come out of the shower, so she was still wet and had some lotion on, and she completely flipped on the stairs."In one sentence she managed to evoke images of Lindsay taking a shower; applying lotion to her still-wet body after the shower; and wandering around the house all wet and slippery.

Thanks, Mom! That sound you hear is thousands of imaginative, lonely men typing with one hand. Maybe Dina could meet up with Joe "doesn’t my daughter have great breasts?" Simpson to trade some creepy-parent tips.

Lindsay did look a lot better than last time she hosted the show, though…

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