My sister-in-law forwarded me a message that included some of the rules women should remember when sandal weather approaches. Included:"I promise to always wear sandals that fit. My toes (or toenails)will not hang over and touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over thebacks. And the sides and tops of my feet will not pudge out betweenthe straps."I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and chip-free. I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe."I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and yellow."I won’t wear pantyhose even if my misinformed girlfriend, co-worker, mother or sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if I tuck it there."I will not live in corn denial; rather I will lean on my good friend Dr. Scholl’s if my feet need him."I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/coworker when she asks me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals. Someone has to tell her that her toes are as long as my fingers and no sandal makes creepy feet look good."The message also included photos of some of the most frightening toenails I’d ever seen. (Believe it or not, the feet at left are one of the tamer pairs — I skipped the airbrush-action ones.) Technically, yes, the polish is good, but for god’s sake, woman: This is just nasty. I can’t accentuate this enough: NASTY! If you want to walk around with bird-talon toenails so you can scratch lines in the dirt with your feet, don’t make innocent bystanders look at them.The only silver lining: The horrific nails distract from the fact she’s got a toe ring on every single toe. That’s Klassy with a capital K.

The opening of Melt might have some readers experiencing a little deja vu: A boutique-type of store with handmade soaps and lotions, with earth-friendly ingredients? Sounds like competition for Lush, another four-letter-word store that sells similar items. Tale of the tape is after the jump. (Note: Because shipping costs extra, these Web prices are often lower than in-store prices.)LAVENDER SOAP?Lush: Ooh La La, $7.55 for 3.5 ouncesMelt: Desert Lavender, $6 for 5 ounces

CITRUS BATH BOMB?Lush: The Happy Pill, $4.95Melt: Solar Flair, $4

TREAT FOR SCARY FEET?Lush: Volcano Foot Mask, $16.20Melt: Foot Soldier Scrub, $14

CH-CH-CHILLY SHOWER GEL, PER OUNCE?Lush: Freeze, $18.95 for 16.9 ounces

I like to time how long it takes before sales clerks come up and ask if they can be of assistance; it’s a good gauge of customer service. Chances are if someone greets you when you walk in, it’s a good sign you won’t be wandering around later, trying to find an employee who can tell you if they’ve got more of this shirt in your size in the back.Some department stores have a hands-off policy, especially if they’ve got central registers. And the people at Saks only come up and ask if I need help if I’m in the totally "wrong" department, like when I’m scouting for a shoot in the women’s sportswear section.On the other end of the spectrum: I’ve never wanted to be ignored so much as this weekend, when I went to Melt, the body-products store at Arrowhead Towne Center.It started with the initial "Are you familiar with our store?" greeting, and the "personal care" didn’t let up for a good 15 minutes. Had I tried this product? Did the gift recipient like to take baths? (Uh, could you not make me think of my mom taking a bath?) Could he put some of this scrub on my hands?Then there was the squeezing of the lotions: Each bottle was opened and wafted, with a detailed explanation as to … OK, I stopped paying attention after a while. There was talk of sulfates and surfectants and everything was said so quickly that it made me very suspicious, like I was being sold aromatherapeutic snake oil.Sure, it was slow in the store, and they were eager to try out their spiel on a customer, but by the time the talk was done, I just wanted to get out of the store. Not linger, not browse, not make chat with the employees.There can be too much of a good thing. Next time I’m ignored at Saks, I might just say a little thank-you. (My credit card company will, that’s for sure.)That said, Melt did have some cool products. Three of them will be in my Great Stuff column this Sunday, April 30, so check it out.

Congratulations to the following winners of reader giveaways:

Norma Rasmussen of Mesa will receive the Essie polishes.

Sandy Vinson of Apache Junction will receive two products from the Cosmedicine brand.

Cristie Campbell of Scottsdale and Keri Rhinehart-Rogers of Gilbert will receive the Sephora gift bags full of products.

Look for more contests soon — I’ve still got tons of stuff to give away.

-sam

The other day we were eating lunch and I was transfixed by a woman who was decked out: See-through Louis Vuitton bag, great hair color, great clothing … and the whole effect was ruined because she was way too tan — I’m talking as dark as a belt — and she was wearing coral lipstick and polish.So, as a primer, this is what coral should look like on your face.Not this.

Lindsay Lohan’s recent appearance on "Saturday Night Live" just reminded me how awful of a mom she must have.

Remember when, for a blessed few months, LiLo just kind of disappeared from the face of the earth — no eating-disorder rumors, no late-night liquor-"energy drink"-fueled binges? (And, really, if Red Bull makes you look like this, stop drinking it)?

Then she ended up in the hospital. And her mom gave the creepiest explanation why: Dina couldn’t just say, "oh, she slipped at a friend’s house." …

No, Mom had to go into this really detailed explanation — you know, the kind of explanations you used to do when you were a kid when you were lying, because you thought all the details would make it seem real? And in the process, she managed to leak out several details for pervs everywhere:

"She had just come out of the shower, so she was still wet and had some lotion on, and she completely flipped on the stairs."In one sentence she managed to evoke images of Lindsay taking a shower; applying lotion to her still-wet body after the shower; and wandering around the house all wet and slippery.

Thanks, Mom! That sound you hear is thousands of imaginative, lonely men typing with one hand. Maybe Dina could meet up with Joe "doesn’t my daughter have great breasts?" Simpson to trade some creepy-parent tips.

Lindsay did look a lot better than last time she hosted the show, though…

In a season where stores are pushing white pants and white loafers like crazy, it seems counterintuitive to declare one snow-white garment off-limits for men, but here’s the deal:Those white belts have got to go. Seriously.There’s a reason they’re on the clearance rack, and that’s because they’ve been worn out for months.

I’ve tried the MegaDose serum — and I’m, uh, keeping the Hydra Healer for myself to text that next — but it’s time to give away a few other Cosmedicine products. Ship me a note with "Cosmedicine" as the subject line by noon April 20, and I’ll draw one entry to win Healthy Cleanse two-in-one cleanser and toner and Medi-Matte oil control cream with SPF 20. Total value: $77.

Essie suggests that brides offer these Wedding Collection 2006 Mini-Wedding four-pack to their bridesmaids so their fingernails can be matching, soothing, neutral pinks — the better not to distract from the bride. The kits contain Mademoiselle, Limo-Scene, Ballet Slippers and Blanc, three shades of what Julia Roberts referred to in "Steel Magnolias" as "blush" and "bashful" and one creamy white.My advice: Ease off, Bridezilla. Their hands are going to be hidden under bouquets. Anyone who "thoughtfully" gives you one of these kits deserves to see a finger, all right. . . .That said, they are kind of pretty, as far as invisible-pinks go. Shoot me a note by noon Wednesday, April 19, and I’ll draw one winner who’ll win the kit.

The good news: The Frutezia wine-beverage company is offering five $1,000 grants to –OK, that’s where the good news ends. The money’s going to nail artists, the kind of people who are responsible for inflicting atrocities like the glamour-length backscratchers at left on an unsuspecting public.Really, at what point do you think: "You know what would make me look great? Two-inch-long sky blue fingernails with designs embossed on them." And what kind of person lets you get them?